On Regrets

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Have you ever done something that later you wished you haven't done? Something that you wanted to do or believed you wanted to do but deep inside you really didn't want to do. That there is a certain force that lets you give in without even considering all the factors of the situation.
In this instances, not only is your life affected but also someone else's. The decision you made was based primarily on the goal to please. But in doing so, your principles and beliefs as well as others' are bent or disregarded.
You may even think that it's deja vu. That you'd think you'll learn from the past. Now that this thing happened again with you allowing it, you'd think that you can handle this better than before. But it looks like history taught you nothing. The only thing that you can think of is to escape. Then you realize that there is no other alternative. You'd make certain sacrifices. You'd give up certain habits. A small price to pay for some peace of mind and guiltless nights.
You'd wake up one morning believing that it was all a bad dream. That whatever  happened was just a product of your imagination. But then you realize that it did happen. That whatever you fantasized became a sad reality.
No, we cannot turn back time. We cannot undo what just happen. we can never bring back the day when we shouldn't or should have done certain things. Now that it already happened. Now that lives are changed. What we can only do is try to fix the mess we've created. We must make right the choices that was done erratically. We can try to restore things as it was before.
Then as we live the rest of our lives may these experiences leave us with lessons that will be engraved in our minds. To remind us what principles we live by. And haunt us of the looming sense of regret in not making the right choice.
In the end, we are ever hopeful that things will indeed be back to normal. That the lives we've changed will go back to what it's supposed to be like - you, going about your own business while the whole world minds its own.




So my 22-year old self says
March 11, 2009
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is-pah-kohl

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SPAKOL - n. (SPA + jaKOL) isang spa na bentahe na ang extra service.

Matapos ang usapang McArthur, Spiderman, Hello world!, at iba pa (sa mga hindi ito alam, usapang tae po ito. isipin ninyo na lang) - sa gitna ng pagkukumbinsi sa kasama naming manlibre ng lugaw o pares matapos ang inuman, lumabas ang terminong spakol. Sabi kasi nung isa naming friend meron daw lugawan malapit sa Timog bago daw sa spakolan sa Kamuning. Bilang tipshhhy na ako, di ko agad nagets yung sinabi niya. Dinig ko nga palakol. Nagets ko lang siya nung inulit lang niya yung sinabi niya. Laking tawa namin bilang ang manlilibre naming friend ay gurl. At ika nga ni gurl, "dapat bang naririnig ko to?!" haha. Tukso pa namin sa kanya na dun niya na lang kami ilibre. "Ba't ko naman kayo ililibre sa ganun?!" halakhakan na naman kami. 

Aksheli, di iyun ang first time kong marinig yung term na yun. Narinig ko siya sa isa ko pang gurl na friend. Ishinare niya kasi noon na nagpupunta daw yung boyfriend nya sa spakol sa may Quezon Ave. At kinikwento pa ni boyfriend kung kelan siya pumupunta at kung ano ginagawa dun. Sabi ng friend ko, "diba, bakit niya kailangan sabihin sa akin yung ganung bagay?! di naman yun yung tipo na gusto mo marinig." Sabi pa ng boyfriend niya naaya lang daw siya ng mga kaibigan niya from their basketball team. Hala! At kasali pala yun sa regimen ng pagiging mahusay na player yung ganung activities. At least andun parin ang camaraderie. the team that spakols together, wins the game together (sa araneta or moa arena).

Di ko naman ikinakailang nagpupunta ako sa ganito. Ganun siguro talaga minsan kapag stress ka. Magpapamasahe ka. Kung magpapamasahe ka na rin, buti na yung may pang pa-good mood sa dulo. Para paglabas mo sa establishment, blooming at blushing ka naman, di yung mukhang nalamutak ka. Ganun din siguro yung logic ng mga basketball players at ibang mga yuppie friends ko. after a stressful training or game, or toxic day sa office, it's good to reward yourself a nice rub down. up and down. up and down.

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Please Try Again

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Last week I applied for a study program in Japan. It was supposed to last for 5months that will run from September to February next year. If I would be chosen, I would stay in a dormitory or in a local household and will be immersed in the community where the earthquake made greater damage. More than the chance to live abroad, enroll in a foreign university, and be surrounded by students from different countries, I was looking forward spending Christmas and New Year in a foreign land and seeing snow. I know, my motivations seems childish. What can I do, I want to personally experience diving in snow.

So anyway, the program mechanics said that chosen participants will be notified by email on July 25 (Wednesday). I sent my application last Friday. The wait was very excruciating. Four nights of anxiety, until the day came. All day, I waited - from the moment I woke up at noon till 6pm before I go to a meeting. No email came from the embassy from Japan. So I guess I wasn't accepted. 'I shouldn't feel rejected, at least I tried, it would have hurt more if I didn't, I should just think that there are others more suited for the program,' I thought.

But until dawn today when I got home, I still opened my email inbox to see if there's a message from the embassy. When I woke up today at noon, the first thing I did was still open my inbox. I felt kind of pathetic still hoping for an email. I guess I'm still in denial or maybe there's still hope inside that wants to believe in miracles. In any case, I did learn something about myself in this experience.

I learned that I want to be notified even if I am to be rejected. I'd rather have the embassy send me a Thank-you-for-applying-but-your-not-the-one-we-are-looking-for message, than keep on opening my inbox hoping for good news. Like I want you to tell me the truth even though it hurts. Like I want to feel the immense pain now, than prolong the agony. Because, I think that the more one is kept in the dark, he'll keep on guessing, and as he keeps on guessing, he'll be stuck in that moment. and when he's stuck he can't progress. and if he can't progress how can find other things that can help him feel fulfilled.


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Gender

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Natutuwa ako sa class kanina. Our topic was about gender. We're asked to divide into small groups and discuss its concept, issues, and the advantages of gender development. Bilang wala naman akong karanasan sa usaping gender, hinayaan ko na muna silang magsimula. 

Ang ganda noong naging usapan namin, talagang tutok ako sa diskusyon. Bawat isa sa amin ay may sariling pananaw- yung iba pareho, yung iba salungat. Pero hindi namin pinipilit ang paniniwala namin sa iba. Hinahayag lang namin ang mga bagay na sa tingin namin ay tama halaw sa kung ano ang natutunan at naranasan namin. 

Natutuwa ako sa mga usapang ganito na may kabuluhan at lalim. Kaya naman hanggang ngayon ang dami paring pumapasok sa isip ko na konsepto na hindi ko nabanggit sa silid kanina. Kaya dito ko na lang isusulat upang balang-araw mabasa ko ito muli, maalala ko kung ano ang pananaw ko sa gender sa mga panahong it.

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Introductions

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Nakakainis. Missed chance na naman!

When he rode the FX, sa likod ako nakaupo, our eyes met. Tapos the whole trip going to megamall, we've been exchanging signals. Lam ninyo na yun. The occasional rub ng knees, tapos frequent stares, tapos occasional tap ng legs. It seems ok na ang lahat, until we got to megamall. Tapos nun, di ko na alam gagawin ko. Pumasok kame sa loob, I was still following him. Tapos, he went walking. I didn't know kung susundan ko pa rin siya or what. Eh I was supposed to go to the basement to have my bag repaired. So I made a split second decision to ride the escalator. Tapos when I looked at his direction, I could see he stopped and was staring at me. Hala. Di ko alam kung ano gagawin ko. I stayed near the escalator for some time then decided to go back up. But when I went to the place he stood, he was gone. Aw. Sayang. 

Naiinis lang ako kasi I didn't have the courage to have even introduced myself to him. Naunahan ako ng takot at hiya. E wala naman sigurong masama kung magpakilala lang di ba. It's not as if may gagawin na kami agad. Ang nasa isip ko kasi, what should I say? How should I introduce myself?

Hi, I'm Justin. I really liked how you rubbed my leg with your knee. You made me hard. 
or
Hi, I'm Justin. And this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me maybe?

At honestly, yung Call Me Maybe yung kinakanta ko sa isip ko while I went on walking feeling like a coward. I'm no good in introductions. Don't know what to say, and how to say it. Plus I'm scared.

Siguro next time tapangan ko na lang.
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Entablado

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Kakagaling ko lang sa Ateneo para suportahan ang aking kaibigan. Pinanood ko yung unang pagtatanghal ng Entablado ngayon taon na pinangalan nilang Mutya. Dalawang play to na pinakamamahal daw nila kasi marami daw ang gusto mapanood ito ulit kahit 9 years ago pa nila unang itananghal yung mga play na yun. At di naman ako nagulat kung bakit nagustuhan ng tao yun. Sobrang nakakatawa at nakakaaliw yung dalawang play. Ang ganda ng kwento pati yung mga linya. Napakagaling ng mga nagsiganap, ang galing nila magbato ng mga salita pati na ang mga bitaw ng kanilang punchline. Sobra talaga akong natuwa ngayong gabi. Pero sa kabilang dako na-miss ko tuloy magtanghal din sa ibabaw ng stage.

Naaalala ko pa nung highschool kami laging mayroong sabayang-bigkas. Lagi yun. Kada Filipino week at English week. It was a competition between sections sa isang grade level. Aside from that meron pa kami declamation. Ang elimination sa classroom, tapos pipili yung teacher ng pinakamagaling na ilalaban sa ibang section. Tapos nakasali din ako sa isang team na lalaban ng sabayang-bigkas sa ibang school. Member din ako ng choir noon tapos laban kami sa contest - Voices in Harmony ata yun at sa concerts with other choirs. Nakakamiss lang yung ganun. Yung mga practice. Yung mga drama. Yung pagod. Yung bonding. At syempre, yung tagumpay.

Tsaka iba rin kasi yung nasa entablado ka. May certain kaba at excitement na naghahalo sa loob mo. Parang overload ng emotions. Nakakawindang pero parang nakakaadik kapag paulit ulit mo nang gagawin. Hahanap-hanapin mo talaga. Siguro pede mo siyang ihambing dun sa nararamdaman ng mga runners pag tumatakbo sila - yung runners' high. Grabe namiss kong magperform sa stage. Kaya natutuwa ako sa kaibigan ko. Kahit na pinagsasabay ang pagtrabaho at pag-aaral, nagagawa pa rin makapaglaan ng oras sa bagay ng gusto niyang gawin. Siguro ang makakaya ko rin yun balang-araw. Pero sa ngayon, ang entablado lang ng buhay ang pagtatanghalan ko.
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More to Life

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What's this I'm feeling again. Loneliness? Boredom? Discontent? Frustration? Disappointment? I don't know. I feel like I'm Stripe, the little caterpillar in the book Hope for the Flowers. Like him, I feel that there's got to be more to life than just this, this, whatever this is I have now. Sometimes, I do things to alleviate this gloomy feeling that has been recurrently swallowing me up. I go out, have a massage, see a movie, walk around campus, just to pass the time even if I'm all by myself. But all of these aren't solving my problem. That's why sometimes I don't even bother going out because it does nothing for my general disposition. They are just temporary. They are just giving me a false sense of bliss and satisfaction. I need to find what would give me a true sense of happiness. I got to search for something more, more to life.


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I Just Don't

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Talking to a friend about when her tongue slipped the other night.

Her: Oh, I didn't know she doesn't know.
Me: No, I haven't told her.
H: I thought she knows.
M: No.
H: Does [insert another close friend's name] know?
M: No. She doesn't know either.
H: Why? Why don't you wanna tell her?
M: I just don't.
H: We're friends, we'll understand you.
M: I just don't want to tell anybody else about it.
H. Why? I don't get it.
M: I just don't want to say.
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Press Delete

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"Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward." 
~Soren Kierkegaard

February 25, 2010 12:10AM

Before, I used to laugh at people who erase their former lovers or ex-gf/bf from their cellphone contacts and social networking sites. I think it's childish to do that. But now I realize that it's not childish, not even immature. I think they just want to forget - to forget everything about that person. they may not be angry or bitter but i think they just want to move on. I think they have decided that it would be easier and healthier if they lose contact with that person. And how would they move on if everyday that they check their facebook accounts, they see news feeds about that person. It's much painful that way. So they choose to rid of any connection and anything that may remind them of that person. 

So now, I say to those people who want to move on... go.. erase.. forget... let go... grow...
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