Sa Taon at Pagtanda

Kamakailan lang ay nadagdagan na naman ang bilang ng aking gulang. Hindi na mapagkakaila na tumatanda na talaga ako sa bente-syete.

Masaya ko namang ipinagdiwang ang araw na ito sa pamamagitan ng pagsalubong sa aking kaarawan kasama ng malalapit na kaibigan. Tunay ngang naging masaya ang pagsalubong namin - kain sa buffet at inom ng mga banyagang alak na noon ko lang nakita. Simple ngunit may kurot pa rin. Ngunit sa aking pagsalubong, hindi ko naiwasang malungkot nang bahagya.

Naisip ko, sa gulang kong ito, ano na ba ang narating ko? Nadadagdagan ako ng taon ngunit hindi naman nadagdagan ang mga nagagawa ko sa buhay. Parang ganoon pa rin, walang pagbabago.

Nabulalas ko ito nang sandali sa aking kasama sa hotel room nang kinamusta niya ko. Ngunit sa alaalang iyon ang aking kaarawan, pinapaliban ko muna ang isipang iyon. Kailangan masaya ako, bulong ko sa sarili.

Sinaglitan kong binisita ang facebook. Nagulat ako sa aking nakita; ang mga kamag-aral ko noong kolehiyo ay ganap ng mga doktor sa pagpasa nila ng board exams. Dama ko ang tuwa nila sa bawat status ng pasasalamat. Lubos akong nagalak para sa tagumpay ng aking mga kaibigan. Ngunit dinalaw na naman ako ng panghihinayang.

Kung sana ay pinagpatuloy ko ang pag-aaral ko sa pagdo-doktor ay marahil kasama na rin nila ako ngayong nagbubunyi. Wala pa kasing doktor sa pamilya kaya magiging isang kakaibang tagumpay iyon kung sakali.

Pero araw ko nga iyon, 'ka ko. Araw ko iyon upang ipagdiwang ang taon na nakalipas. Bagaman may ganoon man akong naramdaman kailangan kong maisip na mas marami pa rin ang dapat ipagpasalamat at ipagdiwang - ang aking buhay, kalusugan, pati na sa aking pamilya, kamag-anak at kaibigan, ang aking edukasyon, at ang aking pag-iisip at kalagayan.

Ika nga ng aking kasama, may takdang oras para sa lahat ng bagay. Marahil hindi pa ngayon ang oras na iyon. Ngunit wala namang hindi nadadaan sa pagsisikap at pananampalataya.

Para sa kasiyahan, kalusugan at sa hinaharap! Para sa buhay! Cheers!

 Sige sa mantsa!!!

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Bakit wala ka pang girlfriend?

Yan ang kadalasang tanong sa akin ng mga taong nakakasalamuha ko. Minsan wala lang para sa akin. Minsan kinakabahan ako dahil baka naghihinala na sila sa aking pagkatao. Minsan nama'y naiinis na ko sa pagtatanong nila nang paulit-ulit para bang nanghihimasok na sa buhay ko.

Siyempre ang mga nagtatanong nito sa akin ay iyong mga taong iniisip pa rin nila ay straight ako - mga kamag-anak, mga kaibigang lalaki at babaeng, mga katrabaho, at mga kakilala sa simbahan. Sa dalas na natatanong yan sa akin, hindi ko na pinag-iisapan sila ng masama kung bakit biglang natanong nila 'yon. Kaya sa lahat ng nagtatanong sa akin, isa na lang ang sagot ko.

"Career muna bago girlfriend."

Straight man o hindi, valid naman din para sa akin iyong dahilan ko. Bakit? Una, ayaw ko munang pumasok sa isang relasyon nang hindi ako panatag kung pera ang pag-uusapan. Ayaw ko yung sa tuwing lalabas kayo, iisipin mo kung saan makakatipid o kung ano ang pedeng gawin sa limitadong budget. Nakakahiya para sa akin. Nangyari na kasi yan. Dating-phase pero di ako makapag-aya dahil wala akong panggastos. Pag siya naman nag-aaya, tumatanggi ako. Kaya di ko muna pinagpatuloy.

Pangalawa, sa karera pa rin, ito ang sinasabi ko sa aking mga kamag-anak. Ayaw ko kasi nang may maiiwan ako. Bakit? Dakila man ang propesyon ko dahil tao at buhay ang aming binabalik sa dati nilang kalagayan, hindi ito masyadong napapahalagahan dito sa ating bayan. Ang natatanging paraan upang ang buhay naman namin ay guminhawa kahit papaano ay mangibang bansa. Kaya wala ring saysay magkaroon ng girlfriend at iiwan ko rin sa huli.

Pangatlo, bakit wala akong girlfriend. Wala namang kinalaman sa career o pera, takot lang kasi ako sa commitment. Bakit? Dahil sa mga relasyon sa paligid ko - ang mga magulang ko ay naghiwalay noong bata pa ako at ang kapatid kong babae ay isang crazy girlfriend. Kaya siguro ayaw ko lang maranasan yung naranasan nila. Sabi nga ng mga katrabaho ko, baka kailangan ko raw magpatingin sa psychologist para maayos ang issues ko. Siguro isa rin yan sa dahilan (hindi naman sa sinisisi ko sila) kung  bakit naging ganito ako ngayon.

Panghuli, nais ko munang makamit ang tunay na kalayaan - kalayaan sa pagpasya, kalayaan sa utang, at kalayaan sa tirahan. Sa ngayon kasi ay nakaasa pa rin ako sa pamilya para sa mga kailangan ko sa aking pang-araw-araw na gastusin at gawain. (May trabaho ako ngunit boluntaryo lang iyon, at pinagpapatuloy ko ang pag-aaral ko.) Sa totoo lang, hindi iyon nakakatulong sa self-esteem ng isang tao lalo na ng isang lalaki. Gusto natin tayo ang nasusunod, ang gumagawa ng desisyon. Kaya't hanggang andito pa rin ako sa puder ng aking pamilya, kailangan ko munang magtimpi at magpasensya.

Ngunit, para sa inyong nagbabasa, marahil ang tanong ninyo ngayon, "kung makamit mo na lahat yan, hahanap ka na ba ng girlfriend?"

Para sa akin, mahirap magsalita ng tapos. Marami pa akong mas kailangang pagtuunan ng pansin kaysa magpasya agad kung ano ba talaga ang makakasama ko sa buhay. I'll just cross the bridge when I get there. Sa ngayon, kinikilala ko pa ang aking sarili. Kada araw naman na lumipas ay isang araw upang makilala natin ang ating sarili. Kaya umaasa naman akong darating din ang panahon na masasagot ko rin yan nang diretso at walang alinlangan. Sabi ko nga sa isang nakaraang entry, ako lang ay isang taong nagmamahal - ngayon siguro ang pagmamahal na iyon ay naitutuon ko lang sa lalaki.

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Quotes

I tried to declutter the room since I didn't do anything productive today. On the shelf, I found a piece of paper with something written at the back. It looked like some quotes my sister copied from her phone and wrote it down. Since the quotes were something you can advice others with, I was inspired to put it into graphics. Here are two of my favorites.

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Sunday Daydream

Sister went home this afternoon accompanied by a male coworker (MC). MC is tall, seemed fit and good-looking.

I was inside the kitchen preparing lunch. When I peeked into the living room, I saw MC playing with the nephew. He seemed to be enjoying being with the kid and my nephew seemed be having fun as well. It was a good sight to see. Then, cue day dream...

I see me and my partner (and maybe child) going home every Sundays to have lunch with my mother. My sister along with her husband and my nephew arriving with their own prepped food. We'll all be sitting around one big table having a great time with each other - our partners getting some beers, our children playing, and us having a meaningful conversation. It will be like in a scene from Brothers and Sisters or 7th Heaven.

I know that dream would be impossible to happen. But I'm still optimistic.

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Isang Saglit

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Reconciliation... what?!

"You did break up. But you guys are back together now. I won't dwell on what happened or ask why or who did what. I'm just curious. What was it that you felt or heard from someone, or saw that made you realize that getting back together was the best thing to do?"

I forgot to ask that to my friend who after breaking up with his boyfriend is now back in each others arms. They seemed to be sincerely happy in their relationship. So i guess there's truth in the saying "love is sweeter the second time around."

But there's another school of thought in break-ups. And this is something I generally believe in. They say that you should never get back with your ex because there's a great chance that what caused your break-up is still there - may it be an attitude, a feeling, or an underlying issue, it's bound to be brought up eventually.

So now I wonder, if there's such a thing as reconciliation, what could be the circumstances that would let one consider doing so?

Tweeps say that it depends on the situation. Of course, if the couple had a bad break-up, who in their right mind would want to get back together with that. Who would want to have a lying, cheating, son of b*tch as their partner, right? One would just be dumb enough to take him back. And I personally believe that if he was able to cheat, lie, fuck up, it's more likely that he'll do it again. But what if the couple separated amicably - no quarrels, no bitterness, they just went on their separate ways - what could be some reasons that they might get back together?

Well, I could just think of a few. Maybe the couple had, as the song goes, the right love at the wrong time. They say timing is everything. Perhaps they are truly in love, however they have other plans that could not include the other one. But once the time is appropriate, maybe they could pick up where they left off.

Maybe, one of them is not wholly into the commitment as the other one. Some people enter in a relationship halfheartedly, not really evaluating his self if he is truly capable of loving someone with all their heart and soul. Some bring into the relationship their personal baggage which will later prove to be troublesome for the both of them. And one would eventually grow tired and give-up, and just let the other one handle his personal problems first. Maybe, once everything has been settled and that person has all the love to give, maybe they can give it another try.

Lastly, maybe there's a feeling of guilt that's why he opted to get back to together with his ex. Guilt is felt when one did something wrong, obviously. It can be the reason why one breaks up with his partner. It can also be the reason why one takes back an ex. The reason for the latter is sometimes people want to make right what they did wrong. They felt that it was a mistake to leave the other one, or maybe they're in a cycle of separation with different partners, doing the same thing over and over again, that's why they decided to just break that cycle. Personally, I don't prefer this way of reconciliation. It's just wrong to get back together just because of guilt. It's just unfair for the other one.

Again, I don't believe in reconciliation, that's coming from my experience. But other's might consider it - well, I might do to, nothing is final - if the circumstance is right. What's important is that the reason why these people choose to be with their exes should be fair for both parties and should not be because of some feelings - guilt, pity, shame, pressure - other than sincere, unconditional, true love.

*photo from here

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After the Storm

Sometimes storms come into our lives. And most of the time, they come without warning. You'd think that everything is fine, that the day would turn out to be sunshiny. But all of a sudden, there are big dark clouds covering the skies. It creates an overcast over your once pleasant and content lives. Then the storm hits.

The storm brings heavy rains and stron winds. It destroys everything in its path. Nothing is spared. And since it came by surprise, nothing is saved.

What else can one do after a disaster but to move on. Our lives should not stop after such incidents. Dreams should still be made come true.

But moving on doesn't happen as fast as a storm can unleash its fury into our lives. Moving on takes time. We cannot tell someone to just move on and expect him to drop everything and go on with his life. We must acknowledge whatever he is feeling for feelings are always valid.

Someone who just experienced loss can feel whatever he wants to feel, say whatever he wants to say, and do whatever he wants to do. He is grieving. He is entitled to do that. He deserve that release. And we as onlookers can just let them do their thing to cope and grieve.

As onlookers, we should also not instigate ill-feelings and provoke them into feeling angry or bitter. We ourselves should also move on. We should be sources of strength and support in order for them not to dwell on the tragedy that befell in the lives.

Ultimately, all throughout our lives many storms would enter. Some may just stay for a while and some may linger for a longer period. But what we should remember is that storms do not stay forever. Storms come and go. People do too. Therefore, let's bear in mind that our feelings should be fleeting. It shouldn't hover over heads and let it control our lives. Our lives do not take a break with every loss. We should still persevere and try to achieve whatever plans we had before the storm.

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Crowd / What If

Walking with the crowd. Crossing the street. I see a lot of cute guys. One by one, I looked at them. Young professionals. Students. Regular employees.

Then I wonder. From the hundreds of people I've met in my lifetime, how come I couldn't find Mr. Right For Me? Where is he?

The questions just kept on going. Did he already come? Was I just too busy that I didn't notice him? Was I ready when he came?

As we reached the other side of the street, the crowd slowly dispersed. Each going to their respective destinations. I was left walking still. Alone. Still with the questions in my mind. And playing what if's.

What if...
               I was already stable when they came into my life?

What if...
               I was ready to be in a relationship?

What if...
                I have the resources to go on dates?

What if...
                I was sure of myself to be faithful even in a long distance relationship?

What if...
                I met him before he met his boyfriend?

What if...
                I was better than his ex?


Then I realize, there's no use playing this game.

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Book of Secrets

While watching the History channel this evening, I saw a preview of a show called America's Book of Secrets. As soon as I read and heard those words, I suddenly remembered something. I did once possess my very own Book of Secrets. Well, it was more like a Filler of Secrets but even so, it still contained all my secrets, dark secrets that I haven't told a single soul at that time. Before, I remember saying to a friend that I am the perfect person to share secrets to because I'm very forgetful. I would have forgotten a secret you have confided to me months after you've shared it. The forgetfulness prompted me to write all the secrets that I keep. Now looking back, having to write one's secrets in a thin, small book seemed to be a very bad idea. Now, I can't remember where I hid it. I can't even remember the things, all the promiscuity and curiousity, I wrote there. Should my relatives find my secrets I'm pretty sure all hell will break loose. 

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