Words

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Honestly, I didn't know he still had that effect on me. Many months have passed and alot has happened. I had my share of successes and failures that's why I never thought he still mattered to me, until that text message I received from him.

I must admit, I didn't expect he would contact me ever again after reading what I wrote about him. But he did. And I can't say I was happy he did.

For the months I erased him in my life, I already thought I have moved on. I didn't think of him anymore. And just recently, I was able to disconnect him from all my social media.

So that text he just sent me came in by surprise. And damn it, all that feelings resurfaced - feelings I didn't know I still kept. Anger. Regret. Pity. Hurt. Intense. Everything just came back.

For sometime, I was back in that emo shit I was months ago. I wanted to explode. I wanted to express myself. I wanted to write something hurtful. But I didn't, I controlled myself. I guess I'll just have to wait to see my go-to person to do that.

So here's what I'm going to say to you who surprisingly still read my blog:

Yes, by now, you'd probably know that that post was about you. Us being friends? Ahh.. I don't know. I don't see it happening anytime soon. But thanks anyways for wishing me well. I too sincerely wish you happiness. But I hope that's the last text I'll receive from you. And I hope our paths won't cross again. Let's just be happy in our own circles. alright? Ciao :)




Postscript:

As I read my post about him, I realized at some point in my life I was my most recent date. Just a realization. We sometimes let others feel what we ourselves wouldn't want to feel nor experience.
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Our story

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I wanted to write something for so long because these past few days to weeks were a rollercoaster (yes, that analogy again) of emotions.

But where should I begin?

I wanted to start at the ending, the very last text message he sent where I didn't have the will or drive to reply at. And from there, I could do a flashback of how happy and content I was seeing him, though not much often than he wanted to. Then I could finish with how we started, the first and the second time we went out.

But, this is a story I can't fully grasp. Conflicting emotions overcome me up to this very moment. Regret. Relief. Hurt. Sadness. Embarrassment. And I guess more.

I wanted to write a decent explanation, but I don't think it would have any bearing now. I could write an apology but he said he doesn't need it.

Am I really that numb? Maybe. I guess. Perhaps being hurt for so many times makes one that way.

So, about our story... I guess it ended before it even began.


*image from here
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Of Booze, Excitement, Dancing

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Sa gitna ng dumadagungdong na musika, napapaligiran ng mga nag-iinuman at nagsisiyahan, at habang pinapanood ang mga katabi at nasa entabladong kalalakihan na nagsasayawan, maraming bagay ang sumagi sa aking isipan.

This is so high school. Like Blue Onion days. Standing in a corner. Swaying from side to side. Occasionally, sipping beer. Trying to be more frugal. Looking at the crowd. Seeing mostly gorgeous people. Feeling insecure.  Smiling at the weirdness, sexiness, and horniness around. Very high school, indeed. The only difference is, this time, I could go home with a number or a guy. *sees a guy already staring.*

Sabay tugtog ng Wrecking ball... Applause... at kung ano-ano pang kantang na-remix upang umakma sa mood na sayawan at gilingan.

Just the other day, I was applauding in praise to the great Creator. Tonight, I'm applauding how those half-naked men are gyrating their hips. The other day, I was praising the beauty of His creation. Now, I'm praising how those ledge dancers' body is cut in God-like beauty.

This is what they're saying, serving two masters. I am serving two masters, ain't I? 

Sinilip ko ang cellphone ko. Walang reply.

I did it again, didn't I? I blew it big time. Someone was already pouring his heart out but I  still didn't let him inside mine. Was I still confused? Lack commitment? Or are we simply not meant to be? I don't know. I knew I needed help in dating. I don't know how one does it. I don't know what to make sense of the things that happened. I do what I do best in things like this, I give up. I bail. Sorry. I feel embarrassed.

Paalis na raw ang kasama ko. Sabi ko'y sasabay na rin ako. Ang gabing iyon napuno ng iba't ibang pakiramdam at karanasan. Iba-iba ngunit naging makabuluhan.

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Sa coffee shop: Caught off guard

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[PBB teens-level. Pasensya na]

Sa glass wall, malayo pa lang ay nakita ko na siya papalakad sa field. nakita ko siyang pumasok.
[sana hindi siya lumapit, sana hindi siya lumapit, sana hindi siya lumapit. hindi ako ready]

> Hi!
- Oh Hi! (kunyari di ko siya nakitang pumasok)
> San si…? Punta ba siya?
- Ah, hindi daw. tinatamad ata siya.

Shet!!! Andito si Crush! Grrrr! Nakapangbahay pa naman ako! Nakakahiya naman. Next time dapat laging ready. He’s soo professional-looking. jeez. haay. Crush.

[some random small talk later]

> sige una na ko.
- bagsak ka naman niyan sa kama. [parang may something wrong sa sinabi ko]
> ha? hindi siguro, nood pa ko ng live streaming, ay hindi live streaming. streaming lang pala ng volleyball game kanina.
- ah.. ok.. ingat ka. [wag ka muna umalis. kape muna tayo!!!!]

pagkaalis niya...

type sa cellphone kay mutual friend 
Single ba si ….? Pressed send.
Did I really just text that?! lol
oh shoot shoot shoot shoot! don’t mind my last text!
Yess. Gow lang.
SHOOT! single si crush! lol
didn’t really mean to send that haha erase that.
But I did. I did mean to send it. lol Kinginang kilig ko lol

Professional. [career guy]
Dresses well. [pangbalanse sa pagka-koboy ko]
Ortigas nagwo-work [geographic advantage]
Cute [sarap ipakilala sa mga friends]
has big ears [parang satellite dish lang, makes him cuter]
Lean [body  I just wanna put my arms around]
Soft spoken [tipong nasa loob ang kulo, makes him more interesting]
And that smile [makes me wet, I mean, weak. makes me weak lol]

He is available.

Ay potek talaga! lol Mapapadalas na ko dito sa coffee shop na 'to *grin*

At dahil jan ang mga natitirang oras ko sa coffee shop ay nagugol sa pagpapantasya kay crush. hehe
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Bulong (2)

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Ang nakaraan.


Hindi iyon ang unang pagkakataong nagkaraon siya ng realization habang nasa kama kasama ang isang lalaki.


- wala namang nagkakagusto sa akin e. puro na lang katawan ko gusto nila, pabiro niyang banat. Maybe he was also fishing for some compliments. Ngunit sa likod ng banat na iyon ay nagtatago ang totoong frustration na nararamdaman niya sa mga lalaking nakikilala niya. 

> bakit, hindi mo ba  naisip na baka ilan sa kanila ay relasyon ang hinahanap? Ikaw lang talaga ang may ayaw, sagot niya na tila kuya na nagpapayo.

- choosy ko noh. ang hot ko kasi e, sarkastikong sagot niya. Nagpatawa na lang siya para maitago ang kahihiyan sa kanyang sinabi.


Ang payo na iyon ay nagmula sa kanyang matagal nang crush na minsan ay nagkataong nagtagpo ang kanilang pagnanasa.

Akala niya ay wari'y sinasabi sa kanya na relasyon ang gusto sa kanya, na wari'y seryoso ang kanyang pinagpapantasyahan na ng kay tagal sa kanya, na gusto niya na maging sila.

Ngunit mali ang kanyang inakala. Sa dulo'y hindi rin sila ang nagkatuluyan. Marami siyang naisip na dahilan kung bakit hindi nangyari ang inaasam niya; ngunit lahat ng iyon ay magiging ispekulasyon lamang. Dahil masyado siyang nasaktan, marahil hindi na niya makakayanang makipagkita muli.
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Bulong

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Walang-ano-ano ay naibulong niya ang kanyang munting tanong...

- Nagustuhan mo rin ba ako?

Nahihiya pa niyang naitanong iyon habang nakapatong at nakasiksik ang kanyang mukha sa leeg ng kanyang kasama.

- I mean... nagkagusto ka ba sa akin ever?

Gusto man niyang bawiin, wala na siyang magawa. nasabi na rin niya eh. He might as well clear what he wanted to ask.

> Di ba nga sabi ko sa'yo noon... magpapayat ka lang ng konti, ang hot mo na.

- eeeeh. di mo naman sinagot yung tanong ko...

Tanging tawa na lang ang naisagot sa kanya.

Parang lahat, siguro halos lahat, na lang ng nakakasama niya sa kama ay iniisipan niya ng potential na maging kasintahan. Siguro dahil na rin sa pagkasawa niya sa palagian na lang sex ang bagsak ng nakakasama niya na kung saan siya ang madalas ang nagbibigay. Kaya marahil napapaisip na siyang lumagay sa tahimik.

Hindi na niya ipinagpatuloy ang pagtatanong tungkol sa nararamdaman para sa kanya. Tila mayroon na siyang hinala kung ano iyon at ayaw na naman niyang makadama ng sakit ng rejection. Sa palagay niya hindi dahil nagkaroon sila ng pagkakainitindihan ng nararamdaman kundi dahil sa sabay lamang silang nalibugan.

Siguro mabuti na yung hanggang doon lang ang pag-iisip niya ng ganoon. Mabuti na rin na tapos na rin ang paminsang pagsasama nila sa kama. Tama na marahil yung kaswal na lang sila na magkakilala o magkaibigan.
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