Closet Clutters

Feeling loved and inspired, I ask my friends, who are in long-term, serious relationships, how and when they realized that their partners were the ones. Here are their answers: 1) "You don't know. You feel . Nagkakasundo kami palagi. And we have similar tastes." 2) " I just felt it . Despite everything that happened to us, we still chose each other . I just knew it. Tapos nagising na lang din ako isang araw na nung nakita ko siya pagkagising ko na katabi ko siya eh iba na yung feeling ko." 3) "Pasok siya sa criteria ko na kailangan lagi ako chinachat. Kaya nga until now lagi pa rin kami magkachat kahit nakatira na kami sa iisang bahay. Pinakaimportante dapat damang dama mo na gustong gusto ka niya.: 4) " Hindi niya ako iniwanan in my lowest point . He's one of the people na napaka-pure ng intention. Love personified." 5) " I just knew somehow .Yung di ako mahihiya ipakilala sa mga tao. Yung di na ako kailangan magtago." 6) "Sig...

Bale ika-16 na ng Hulyo ngayon sa Pinas at bukas ay ika-17 na. Dapat ay tatlong taon na kami ng huli kong kasintahan bukas. Ngunit  tulad ng nasabi ko na sa nakaraang post ay wala na kami. Hindi kami umabot ng isang taon, ni hindi namin nasubukan 'yung pinaghahandaan naming LDR. Kung bakit kami naghiwalay ay sa ibang pagkakataon ko na sasabihin. Hindi iyon ang pakay ko sa post na ito bagkos, ngayon ang simula ng aking paghilom. "Paghilom?! Arteh! Dalawang taon na kayong wala. Move-on, move-on din." Oo, paghilom. Tama nga, dalawang taon na nga. Ngunit kailangan ko maging totoo. Hindi ganoon kadali ang magpatuloy o mag-"move on" tulad ng sinasabi ng nakararami. Sabi nga sa kasabihan, madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. Ngunit pakiramdam ko ito na ang tamang oras na harapin lahat ng mga alaala at pangyayari at ito na rin ang tamang panahom simulan ito. Sa totoo, ito na ang pinakamatagal ko bago maka-move-on. Doon sa unang tatlo kong kasintahan, mabilis akon...

Delete all messages? -Yes. Delete locked messages? *what locked messages?* I just read your blogspot about me. Or was it? I treat you as a close friend. I also thought that we could be what others cal as "partners." I thought I couldn't stand in the way of your dreams. Yun lang. I hope we can remain good friends. I wish you success and continued happiness Mamon! that day he knew what I felt about him... Mamon! baka wala ka ng load kaya di ka makareply... hihi.. just before this night ends for me (im abt to sleep), tandaan mo, lagi kang may friend at ako yun! I appreciate your effort to dropby and tell me your story. Hindi man ako ang magiging perfect friend mo, ang mahalaga dun, may perfect ears ako for you anytime na kelangan mo at available ako.. hehehe.. basta i-count mo na ako sa mga taong "like" ka naman.. hihihi.. have a great night my friend.. brush off the negative vibes and don't linger on what happened.. may kasunod yan na ...

Honestly, I didn't know he still had that effect on me. Many months have passed and alot has happened. I had my share of successes and failures that's why I never thought he still mattered to me, until that text message I received from him. I must admit, I didn't expect he would contact me ever again after reading what I wrote about him. But he did. And I can't say I was happy he did. For the months I erased him in my life, I already thought I have moved on. I didn't think of him anymore. And just recently, I was able to disconnect him from all my social media. So that text he just sent me came in by surprise. And damn it, all that feelings resurfaced - feelings I didn't know I still kept. Anger. Regret. Pity. Hurt. Intense. Everything just came back. For sometime, I was back in that emo shit I was months ago. I wanted to explode. I wanted to express myself. I wanted to write something hurtful. But I didn't, I controlled myself. I guess I'll just...

I wanted to write something for so long because these past few days to weeks were a rollercoaster (yes, that analogy again) of emotions. But where should I begin? I wanted to start at the ending, the very last text message he sent where I didn't have the will or drive to reply at. And from there, I could do a flashback of how happy and content I was seeing him, though not much often than he wanted to. Then I could finish with how we started, the first and the second time we went out. But, this is a story I can't fully grasp. Conflicting emotions overcome me up to this very moment. Regret. Relief. Hurt. Sadness. Embarrassment. And I guess more. I wanted to write a decent explanation, but I don't think it would have any bearing now. I could write an apology but he said he doesn't need it. Am I really that numb? Maybe. I guess. Perhaps being hurt for so many times makes one that way. So, about our story... I guess it ended before it even began. *image fr...

I tried to declutter the room since I didn't do anything productive today. On the shelf, I found a piece of paper with something written at the back. It looked like some quotes my sister copied from her phone and wrote it down. Since the quotes were something you can advice others with, I was inspired to put it into graphics. Here are two of my favorites.

"You did break up. But you guys are back together now. I won't dwell on what happened or ask why or who did what. I'm just curious. What was it that you felt or heard from someone, or saw that made you realize that getting back together was the best thing to do?" I forgot to ask that to my friend who after breaking up with his boyfriend is now back in each others arms. They seemed to be sincerely happy in their relationship. So i guess there's truth in the saying " love is sweeter the second time around. " But there's another school of thought in break-ups. And this is something I generally believe in. They say that you should never get back with your ex because there's a great chance that what caused your break-up is still there - may it be an attitude, a feeling, or an underlying issue, it's bound to be brought up eventually. So now I wonder, if there's such a thing as reconciliation, what could be the circumstances that ...

It's just something that I've been thinking of lately. Sex, I think, changes everything. For some, sex can be as casual as just having dinner together. Expecting nothing in return. Just contented with a night's pleasure and waking up in the morning with someone to cuddle. But for most people, including me (well, most of the time), post-sex is very crucial. It'll either make or break the relationship, even if it's just starting as friendship or dating. There's this guy who I like very much. We spent the night together in our first date. The night was very much enjoyable - and the things that happened. But come morning, it just went downhill. There were already disparity in our expectations which was mostly my fault. I have to admit, I really did something wrong. So now, the sweetness that once filled his messages became more generic and friendly. I'm still trying to turn things around with him. Trying to bring back what I wrecked. But, there's o...

when having sex, seek to pleasure yourself and not your partner Since I needed some distraction last night, I went out with my straight guy friends. Though there was no booze involved since liquor ban already started when we got to the fort, we just settled for a cup of coffee and some good ol' fashioned lafftrip conversation. Sometimes there were some bits of wisdom I heard from them. On kissing  having sex and telling: My friend had classified his friends into groups if ever they have sex: when both of them are game, either one of them is game when wasted (drunk or high), or both of them are game when wasted. When asked what the difference was, he said it's what can be told or be kept a secret. He keeps mum on his adventures when booze or drugs is involved. It belongs to the what-happens-in-stays-in category. Therefore, we, his friends, wouldn't hear about that story from him ever. On sex and pleasure: Another friend shared something he read when he was still in gr...

Sa tagal mo nang naglalaro, akala mo bihasa ka na. Na kahit anong gawin mo, hindi ka madadala. Na ikaw pa rin ang nagpapatakbo ng laro. Ngunit minsan bibigay ka rin at susuko. Bagamat gusto mo nang umiwas sa paglalaro, di mo pa rin magawang talikuran ang nakasanayan. Tila naging bahagi na ito ng iyong pagkatao na kahit kailan ay di kayang iwaksi. Kaya maiisip mo, sasaya pa kaya ako nang tunay? Madali kasing sabihing hindi ka pa handa sa pakikipagrelasyon. Dahil alam mo sa sarili mo na di mo pa kayang maglaan ng atensyon para sa iisa lamang. At alam mo na kapag nangyari iyon, ay makakasakit ka lang ng damdamin. Ngunit ang malaking tanong ay hanggang kailan? Hanggang kailan ka magpapatuloy sa paglalaro. Alam mong nagsasawa ka na, pero bakit nahihirapan ka pa rin magbago? Ano ang hinihintay mo para ikaw ay tumalikod sa nakagawian? Marahil may hinihintay ka. Marahil may inaabangan kang tao kung saan ilalayo ka sa ganoong pag-iisip. Isang tagapagligtas na maunawain at mapagmahal. Yu...

As of publish time, kahahatid ko lang kay... itago na lang natin sa pangalang.. Tol sa sakayan. (back story here .) Nanggaling siya dire sa bahay namin at dito na siya nagpalipas ng kaunting oras matapos ang aming munting lakad kagabi. Ang plano kagabi ay magpunta sa Fair upang makipagsaya at dun magpalipas ng araw ng mga puso. Pag dating namin sa lugar ay sandamukal ang tao sa may main entrance. Makikita ang isang mahabang pila para sa tickets at tatlong mas mahabang pila pa para sa entrance. Bilang alas nuebe na iyon ng gabi ay nagpasya kami na kumain na lamang sa Technohub. Doon ay nagkwentuhan kami habang nagsasalo sa lechon at lechong paksiw. Gusto ko sanang itanong sa kanya yung tungkol sa mga text message namin, at sa mga subtle hints noong kami ay nag-overnight. Pero syempre baka assuming lang ako kaya pinigilan ko ng itanong. Nang nasa bus na kami pauwi (lintik na bus yan, puro na lang sa bus :p) hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. Symepre humawak na rin ako nang mahigpit...

Pumasok ako sa grupo na iyon para maging mabait at maituwid ang mga mali kong pamamaraan at pamumuhay. Sabi ko kapag napaligiran ako ng mababait o nagpapakabait, baka naman mahawahan ako at magpakabait na ko. Ang grupo na ito ay binubuo ng mga taong wala pang asawa. Kamakailan ay lumabas kaming mga lalaking magkakapatid sa pananampalataya para sa aming buwanang pagtitipon. Ginanap ito sa bahay ng isa sa amin sa Rizal. Sa laboy naming iyon ay napalapit ako sa isa sa kanila. Nagkasabay kami sa paglalakad at doon kami nakapag-usap ng matagal. Sa umpisa pa lang ay parang 'naamoy' ko na siya. Mayroon siyang kakaibang 'mannerisms,' pananalita, at galaw. Malakas ang tiwala ko sa aking radar sa mga ganyang bagay. Ngunit isinangtabi ko ito dahil baka nagiging malisyoso lang ako. Hanggang sa nagkaroon ng pagkakataong nagkasama kami sa ilalim ng payong upang umiwas sa init ng araw. Nagkaroon ng oras na nakahawak siya sa braso ko. Madali talaga ako mahulog 'pag nahahawakan...

Gusto mo nga Di ka naman gusto Iyak ka na lang Gusto mo nga Asa malayong lugar naman LDRs don't usually work out Gusto mo nga May jowa naman Maninira ka pa ng relasyon Gusto mo nga Di naman nya alam Nganga ka na lang Gusto mo nga May gusto naman siyang iba Makikipag-agawan ka pa Gusto mo nga Straight naman Converter ka na te? Gusto mo nga Gusto ka rin pala Ano pa hinihintay mo? Gusto mo nga E ano naman.

I remember an advice I gave someone before. I asked him if it was really love that he was feeling for someone or has he just fallen in love with the idea of loving that someone. Too many of us mistake the feelings we have towards a person as love. We easily jump to the conclusion that indeed we have fallen for that person. We sometimes neglect to re-examine our feelings to trace where it's coming from. I remember telling him that in my opinion, what he was feeling was not love, at least not yet. I acknowledge that he indeed have strong feelings towards that person, but i think not enough to call it "love."  Strong feelings. At that time, it was easy for me to say it. It was easy to give an advice without even understanding how he must have felt. But now I somewhat get the idea of strong feelings. There's that attraction you feel with out having an explanation. For me, it's the butterflies I feel in my stomach when I am having a conversation with him. ...

Whenever I have this feeling, Citybuoy's literary piece comes to mind - Never Yours . (If you haven't had the time to read it, now is the best time to do so.) However, I'm no master storyteller. I can't whip up a great storyline from an emotion or experience. But I do feel. So I'll just write whatever it is that I feel. Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I can't feel jealous. He's never mine. I wanna be happy.. I AM happy for him. I would just like to think that it was just never meant to be. The truth is, I am not ready. I think I'm not. He's just better off without me. I would just like to think I'm no good for him. Maybe I'm good for someone else but not him. Rationalizing, I am. But that's life. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I did feel a little jealous. But why should I, he's never mine. Confused. Awkward. Insanely uncomf...

The other night, I met a blogger for the first time. We had a dose of coffee and conversation. Most of the topics that came up were about love and relationships, topics which I seldom talk to someone because I have limited confidante. Anyway, in the conversation, some of the beliefs and principles I that live by came up.  Find someone who complements you and not someone who'll complete you. Love yourself first before you can love others. Love should bring out the best in you and not the worst in you. Sa pag-ibig kapag may sumuko na, ibig sabihin nito tapos na ang relasyon. (syempre, you should fight for it first. pero pag di naman talaga nag-work out, dapat ng sumuko) Guard your heart. Don't give yourself wholly to a person. Leave some for yourself. Kung kayo talaga para sa isa't isa, kayo talaga sa huli. Kapag nagawa niyang saktan ka o lokohin ka once, malamang mauulit din yun. Once trust is lost or tainted it's hard to regain or mend. Basic lang naman tala...

It started with Jap Nishi posting a link in twitter. Well, he was talking to Miss Chuni and I happened to be observing my timeline. Since I didn't have much to do, I clicked the link which led me to Jap's old blog. The entry that opened was about his take on the beauty of goodbyes. Since I'm in a goodbye-phase myself, I got hooked. I decided to read through his blog from his last entry. But what caught my eye almost instantly was his entry about why he started blogging. The final push in starting his blog, as he mentioned, was his breakup. And so, I was like 'what break-up? what happened?' So on to his first blog entry I hopped to find the answer. Word for word I read intently. I could relate in some if not in most of the things he was saying. Cheating. Facebook. Emotional. Distraction. Then I turn to their last day (Jap and Ex). Different characters, different setting, but it was just like my last day with my ex. We were happy on our last day. I took him ...

Why can't love be as simple as any other sensation in the body?

Have you ever loved someone so much  that it hurts?