Closet Clutters

Thing are starting to be clear now. I have been seeing a number of pictures of Ilocos in my Newsfeed. It reminded me of the trip with the ex. It was a fun memory. Touring the region, the attractions, scenes, and landmarks. But along with those happy memories is the first time we almost break up. For some reason I was having a fit. I wasn't sure what I was going through but it felt like I was having a tantrum.  Looking back, I realize now why I said thoses words to him that time. I told him that he was better off without me, that he needs ssomeone else, that he needs someone who would be able to take care of him. In short, he needed someone better. Remembering it all now, I realize more things about my feelings then. I realize now that it would be selfish for me to want him to go to the US with me and leave his family. It would be selfish for me to leave him in the Philippines for a while and wait for me to petition for him. And it wouls be selfish of me to ask him to...

Matapos kong ihinto ang sasakyan sa paradahan, di ko na napigilang umiyak. Habang tumutugtog ang kanta ni reyna Whitney Houston na I Have Nothing, ako naman ay humahagulgol. Di ko maintindihan kung anong lungkot yung bumalot sa akin. Galing ako sa pasyente kanina. Sila ay matandang mag-asawa na nakatira sa isang assisted living facility. Tinanong ko yung babae tungkol sa kanilang anak. Ika niya, sa malapit lang nagtatrabaho yung anak niya kaya dito sila tumira para malapit lang habang hinihintay nilang sila ay umalis. Nakuha ko agad ang gusto niyang sabihin. Doon sila tumira upang malapit lang sila sa kanilang anak kung sakaling may mawal sa kanilang dalawa. Tuloy-tuloy lang ang hagulgol ko sa kotse sa pagpatuloy ni Whitney sa I Will Always Love You. Inisip ko marahil nabalot ako ng pinaghalong takot at lungkot. Takot na tumanda mag-isa. Takot na tumanda na walang makakasama. Takot na umabot ako sa edad na hindi ko man lamang kayang alagaan ang sarili ko. Ganito na lamang ba ...

Unsettling - adj. making you upset, dismay, disturb, uneasy This is the feeling I really hate experiencing. It's like when something disrupts your current state and makes you feel uneasy and anxious. It's like having your brain think of a thousand thoughts all at the same time. I never liked this feeling even in growing up. I see to it that everything is put into place before I retire to bed or leave the scene. I don't want to go home with so much uncertainty and vagueness. It'll just keep me up at night. What happens if the issue is left hanging is that I wouldn't be able to think straight or I might make decisions hastily. It wouldn't be a sound decision. It would be rushed and I wouldn't care about what would happen next. I would just like to settle things at once. Another is if that thing is left hanging, I would just totally give up on that. I would have to turn my back and just not care - at all. I'd rather be apathetic than feel hurt or ...

Sa madaling salita, paano iuwi si Mamon [noon]? Bago ko simulan ang pagbalik-tanaw, sagutin ko muna yung tanong ninyo marahil na 'anong kalibugan na naman ito?' Pramis, di [lang] libog ito. Napadaan kasi ko sa SOGO sa North Edsa kanina kaya may bigla lang akong naalala. ("Napadaan," ibig sabihin ay dumaan yung bus na sinakyan ko,) Kaya ito ang ilang maiksing kwentong kaladkarin ni Mamon. "Saan ka? Kape tayo. Sunduin kita." - Kung saan ang "kape" ay nangahulugan ng libreng kape, libreng kwentuhan at libreng espadahan. "Sa amin ka na muna tumuloy, uwi ka na lang kinabukasan. Walang masasakyan papunta sa inyo pauwi. Gabi na." - Kung saan natulog ako sa bahay nila sa probinsya nang wala sa plano" "Masakit kasi balakang ko ngayon, punta ka dito. Tignan mo nga kung ano problema." - Nang nagamit ang aking propesyon para sa init ng katawan "Pansin mo di kita pauuwiin. Mag-check-in tayo ah"...

Sa mga bansang pinupuntahan ko mag-isa, gusto kong maranasan kung paano nagsasaya ang sangkabaklaan nila. Kaya noong nakakilala ako ng bakla dito, inaya ko siyang puntahan yung mga gaybar dito. Una namin pinuntahan yung Apollo . Sabi niya, iyun daw yung pang upperclass na gaybar. Nasa loob siya ng isang mall tapos di rin naman kalakihan. May bar, magandang lighting, lighted runway, stage, tables na kailangan ng reservation at DJ's booth. Tama nga sinabi niya. Upscale gaybar nga yun dahil mga yuppies, execs, at may kaya ang mga andun. Tsaka marami ring foreigners. At di tulad ng karamihan sa Indonesia, maraming nag-e-english doon kaya alam mong upscale. Kasama na sa entrance fee na 175,000rp (700php) ang isang drink. Elibs (wow, straight) ako sa pantatak nila. Invisible ink na kita lang sa blacklight. totyal. discreet ang peg. Mga 12mn na kami nakarating. Sabi ng kasama ko kabubukas lang daw ng bar kaya kakaunti pa lang ang nandoon. So usap-usap muna kami....

That moment he said he wanted to tell me something, I already knew what it was. I guess it's that feeling that you know what the other one feels. It's like your hearts are in synced and you're just waiting for the other one to confirm your suspicion. Nasabi ko na ba sa'yo na... Na ano? Na mahal kita?... Lost for words, all I could do was reply with a tight hug and a hundred kisses. Our hearts were one in feeling the same thing. We were in love. I love you too, I finally replied. A hundred kisses and tight hugs followed. They say, often you have to choose between someone you love or someone who loves you. That's why I feel lucky to have that guy who loves me the same way that I love him.

Those nights I spent with you It was really special Those nights I laid beside you It seemed right Those mornings I woke up in your arms It's how I imagined it Those mornings I greeted you with a kiss or two It's just bliss That moment We held hands in silence Time seemed to stop Those nights Those mornings Those moments All kept in my heart. :')