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Pride of a Closeted Gay

I recently watched/attended my first Pride Parade ever. This happened in San Francisco. Just a few hours drive from where I recently moved.

I was very excited in the days prior to the parade. I told my friend, whom I was meeting there, that I can't help but be giddy and ecstatic knowing I would be watching my first ever Pride.

But why was I so excited? I won't be able to post whatever photos I take in the parade in my social media accounts. Nor can I tell anyone that I have been in my first ever Pride unless I want to out myself.

So can there still be Pride for the closeted gay like me?

The Pride movement started a year after the famous Stonewall Riot in NYC in 1969 where the patrons of the gay bar stood up against the police raid. It was done to commemorate the resistance of the gay community demonstrated against the status quo.

The term pride was coined by L. Craig Schoonmaker when trying to name the series of events they have planned. According to an interview, he said why he suggested gay pride over gay power,  "People did not have power then; even now, we only have some. But anyone can have pride in themselves, and that would make them happier as people, and produce the movement likely to produce change."*

A closet gay guy like me surely doesn't have any power. It's exactly the opposite. At least that's what I feel. I feel powerless. I am always in hiding, always denying, always dodging questions about my sexuality. Always scared that if others may find out what I was hiding, my whole world will shatter.

Can I still be proud? Can I be proud of who I am, of being gay, while still be in the closet?

I have long accepted who I am many years ago. I have come to grips that the reality is I am exclusively attracted to men. I have bargained with myself before that I will wait until I get to have a sexual encounter with a woman before I decide if I'm definitely gay. And since that encounter, I firmly believe without a shadow of doubt that I am 100% gay.

I may have accepted myself, however, I don't think my family is ready to know the truth. They have, in multiple occasions, expressed their disdain with homosexuals appearing in media. They are tolerating, sure, but I don't think they will be accepting once they find out that I am one of those they usually look down on or mock.

So to answer that question, I don't think I feel proud of who I am right now, still being in the closet. Pride is having that pleasure or satisfaction of one's own qualities or achievements. Pride is being in the best state. Therefore, having pride is not being afraid to speak your truth, or be embarrassed to admit to everyone who you really are.

Therefore, I attended Pride envious of the people who can shout to the world "This is me. Deal with it." or those who are openly fighting for the same rights that heterosexuals are enjoying, or those who are openly supporting advocacies for the betterment of the society. I envy does who could tell the world that they are proud of who they are and there's nothing wrong about that.

My only hope once I do come out that my family would accept me not because I have a lot of accomplishments, nor because I am financially stable, not even because I have travelled the world, but because I am still me, that no matter what my sexuality is nothing has changed, and that I am still the same person they loved.




Source: https://www.bustle.com/articles/166925-the-origins-of-pride-month-what-you-should-know-about-its-history

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