Closet Clutters

 I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I know what I need to do. I know how important it is for my future and yet, here I am having an extremely difficult time getting things done. I am easily distracted from doing the thing I need to finish. I begin another project that is not important or do a completely unproductive, useless activity just to pass the time. I honestly, don't know. I don't if I lack motivation or if I want to fail or I just don't want to be. It's frustrating because I know I'm fully capable but I keep on doing this to myself.  I don't know. I keep telling myself that I need professional help. Yet, I haven't sought help. If only I could just fade away. I'm tired.

Sa mga oras na iyon, tipong game na lang kaming magkakaibigan kung anong mangyari. Inumpisahan kasi nung isang guy na tumingin sa aming direksyon sa may Starbucks sa Greenfield. Tipong nag-uusap kaming magkakaibigan doon sa labas na tables nang sabay-sabay kaming napatingin sa isang lalaking dumaan. Sabay-sabay kaming nagtawanan nang mahuli kami. Pero ang nakakapagtaka ay kahit makalagpas na siya, ilang ulit pa rin ang dungaw niya sa amin. Eh di parang, "trip ata tayo noon." Sinundan namin ng tingin yung guy hanggang sa nakumbinse namin yung isa naming kaibigan na sundan siya talaga para ayaing makipagkape or whatever. Bumalik si friend na hindi bitbit si Kuya. Ang pangalawang tagpo ay noong papalakad na kami sa EDSA kung saan sasakay ang mga kaibigan ko. Tinagos namin ang Greenfield papunta sa direction ng Rob Forum. Sa bandang Flair pa lang may nakipagtitigan na sa aming lalaki. Yung isa naming kaibigan ang tumawag sa aming atensyon. Sabi niya, tigil lang daw muna kami a...

I I was the first one to arrive to his house. It was a familiar feeling being back there. It was even more familiar when we hugged. We hugged for a while before letting go. He toured me around his flat. It was huge. I was proud of him. I was proud of what he became. We went to the living to room to chat. I sat beside him. There was no awkwardness, nothing that will tell you that it's been more than year since we last saw each other. I snuggle beside him. I scooted closer to him and laid my head on his chest. I felt no resistance. We were still talking about our daily lives when he stood, took my hand and led me to one of the two bedrooms. We laid down and this time we were full blown cuddling. It was just like before, just like when we started to become close and leveled up our friendship. I thought it was nice for him to let us relive what we had before. I thought nothing of it. I thought we were just being sweet and nothing will happen. I was caressing his chest, running ...

I recently watched/attended my first Pride Parade ever. This happened in San Francisco. Just a few hours drive from where I recently moved. I was very excited in the days prior to the parade. I told my friend, whom I was meeting there, that I can't help but be giddy and ecstatic knowing I would be watching my first ever Pride. But why was I so excited? I won't be able to post whatever photos I take in the parade in my social media accounts. Nor can I tell anyone that I have been in my first ever Pride unless I want to out myself. So can there still be Pride for the closeted gay like me? The Pride movement started a year after the famous Stonewall Riot in NYC in 1969 where the patrons of the gay bar stood up against the police raid. It was done to commemorate the resistance of the gay community demonstrated against the status quo. The term pride was coined by L. Craig Schoonmaker when trying to name the series of events they have planned. According to an interview, he ...

I've been pondering for hours now (days now, actually, since I've been meaning to write since Tuesday night) on how I would like to begin this series of blog posts from my holiday. There have been a lot of emotions and experiences that I wanted to share with you and to my future self, but I didn't want to make it too emotional nor dramatic. At first, before all of these happened, I was just planning to write and share the possible sexcapades that would happen in my trip. - you know, like I always do. Also as I mentioned in my last post, I got to schedule a date meet-up with my last ex which was already big by itself. That meet-up also had a follow-up. I didn't have any expectation in our meeting but I guess it helped me in finally moving on from that break up. So now, where would I begin. I'll probably start from the last, the most recent one. I would like to share  with you where I am right now and how I am dealing. It has been a struggle to be honest on how I...

Oh yasss! I'm beckla from outer space. Just turn around now. It's nice to back in my home country, home of beautiful smiles and luscious men. Charot. Higit sa isang taon din akong nawala at ngayon ay nagbabalik. Nagbalik upang makasama ang pamilya at mga kamag-anak, at makita ang mga kaibigan, lalong-lalo na ang sangkabaklaan kong tropa mula noon highschool hanggang sa blog at twitter. Totoo. Other than my family, seeing and hanging out with my gay friends is what I'm mostly looking forward to in this holiday. You see, sa Tate, walang nakakaalam na bakla ang inyong lingkod. Tagong-tago at closetang closeta ang lola ninyo. Sige lumalabas ang pagkapamintang buo ko pero walang confirmation at walang sabi-sabi. Kaya sobrang repressed ko doon. So far, puro gay friends na yung mga nakita ko. Sobrang excited ko lang sa baklaan portions with them. Chikahan about our love lives na yung akin ay non-existent. Ang isa ko pang kinapananabikan ay ang boys. Dahil nga non-existent ...

Bale ika-16 na ng Hulyo ngayon sa Pinas at bukas ay ika-17 na. Dapat ay tatlong taon na kami ng huli kong kasintahan bukas. Ngunit  tulad ng nasabi ko na sa nakaraang post ay wala na kami. Hindi kami umabot ng isang taon, ni hindi namin nasubukan 'yung pinaghahandaan naming LDR. Kung bakit kami naghiwalay ay sa ibang pagkakataon ko na sasabihin. Hindi iyon ang pakay ko sa post na ito bagkos, ngayon ang simula ng aking paghilom. "Paghilom?! Arteh! Dalawang taon na kayong wala. Move-on, move-on din." Oo, paghilom. Tama nga, dalawang taon na nga. Ngunit kailangan ko maging totoo. Hindi ganoon kadali ang magpatuloy o mag-"move on" tulad ng sinasabi ng nakararami. Sabi nga sa kasabihan, madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. Ngunit pakiramdam ko ito na ang tamang oras na harapin lahat ng mga alaala at pangyayari at ito na rin ang tamang panahom simulan ito. Sa totoo, ito na ang pinakamatagal ko bago maka-move-on. Doon sa unang tatlo kong kasintahan, mabilis akon...