Closet Clutters

Feeling loved and inspired, I ask my friends, who are in long-term, serious relationships, how and when they realized that their partners were the ones. Here are their answers: 1) "You don't know. You feel . Nagkakasundo kami palagi. And we have similar tastes." 2) " I just felt it . Despite everything that happened to us, we still chose each other . I just knew it. Tapos nagising na lang din ako isang araw na nung nakita ko siya pagkagising ko na katabi ko siya eh iba na yung feeling ko." 3) "Pasok siya sa criteria ko na kailangan lagi ako chinachat. Kaya nga until now lagi pa rin kami magkachat kahit nakatira na kami sa iisang bahay. Pinakaimportante dapat damang dama mo na gustong gusto ka niya.: 4) " Hindi niya ako iniwanan in my lowest point . He's one of the people na napaka-pure ng intention. Love personified." 5) " I just knew somehow .Yung di ako mahihiya ipakilala sa mga tao. Yung di na ako kailangan magtago." 6) "Sig...

Fell down a rabbit hole reading my previous blog posts tonight. It's like taking a time machine and experiencing the whole thing all over again. There are posts that I could remember who and what I was pertaining to. There are posts that left me wondering what I was talking about there. Though some of those memories are hazy and details aren't as clear, I still remember the feelings I had back then that somehow transcended from my words and paragraphs. See, there's this guy (there's always a guy, right?) that discovered my blog. I was a bit scared and embarrassed about him reading my sexploits and misadventures. And I guess what I'm more concerned about was him seeing my inner thoughts and feelings of my past self and he might think that I am still that person. To be fair to him, he does a good job of assuring me that what's past is past. He does seem genuine and sincere. (And he can read this now hehe) I stopped reading my posts at 2014-ish. Seems to become hea...

So here's the sitch. Plot twist (PT) and I aren't chatting no more. "Why?" you might ask. So here's what happened. On the night we were supposed to meet, he bailed. He said that he was going to his friend's birthday party. I call it BS. We've been planning it for more than a year and we've been talking every day and only that night that he tells me he's not available. I wasn't having it.  Anyway, the next day. I had a misfortune. So, my attention from that night before was all gone. I didn't care about him anymore. All that we talked about and discussed seemed like all lies. I unfriended him from social media. Didn't care for someone can't really communicate and wastes people's time. I recently informed his friend that we were exchanging messages. I also told him that I wasn't surprised about PT flaking because he was also flaky. They're friends after all. So there. That's another charge-it-to-experience kind of thin...

The other day my most recent ex (MRE) messaged me. Actually, he replied in my story. My story was about the 4-year photo trend and his comment was to post the year we were together. Even joked to him "the one with you?" He just laughed at it and I did too. Then, I replied something that I later realized was a mistake. I asked him how he was. MRE: oks naman Me: that's good. MRE: lol. Super happy naman. I should have stopped there. Me: Juicy! Sino naman nagpa-supper happy sayo? MRE: Lol. De found na someone. hehehe la lang SKL I was so dumb with text acronyms nowadays. If I have understood it right away. I would have replied with something polite to end the conversation. Me: Di ko gets. You found someone? Ano yung SKL? MRE: Found a new partner ne hehe After 5 years. lol SKL = Share Ko Lang That led to a long conversation about our relationship that started from him asking me what his "toxic" traits were when we were together. I remember asking him this very same q...

 P*tang ina talaga 'tong mga baklang 'tong salita nang salita sa katawan ko at sa eating habits ko. Pakialam ninyo ba? Akala ninyo ba ikinaganda ninyo 'yan. Ano bang gusto ninyong sabihin ko, Oo, makatakaw ako. Masiba ako. Walang kapaguran ang bituka ko.  Sira ulo pala ninyo eh. Hindi naman kayo ang nagpapakain sa akin. Wala namang kayong naitutulong sa buhay ko eh.  Iyong isa matapos akong landi-landiin, sasabihin ba naman sa story ko na  walang tigil ang bibig ah. Oral fixated? haha. Dinagdagan pa na, So di ka pa tapos kumain? Bravo!  Eh loko ka pala eh, sa'yo ko ba kinuha pambili ko ng pagkain. Tapos yung isa ko namang fubu sa Pinas parang gago rin eh. Sabi ba naman magpapayat daw ako para masarap. Tang*na talaga. Tapos magtatanong siya kung may chance bang sagutin ko siya. Sira ulo ka pala eh. Di ka na nga gwapo, di ka rin naman hot, bulok din ugali mo. Tsaka ninyo ako sabihan ng ganyan kung kayo ang bumubuhay sa akin at nagpapakain sa akin.

Just learned that one of my favorite couple-friends added a third in their relationship since last year. I'm honestly quite curious how that works. I know that it takes a lot of maturity, trust, loyalty, love, respect, communication, and understanding to pull that off. But I wonder, how does the third one come in? Do couples decide first they want a third one or does the conversation happen when one of them started to be attracted to someone else? Does the relationship have to be a certain boring to start the conversation of possibly getting a third? Does the relationship start being open first before being throuple? I really don't know how it starts. Anyway, I'm happy for them. I am happy for every couple who added spice to their relationship by being open or adding a third. But to be honest, I'm envious and upset. There they are having each other, living together, and now adding another one in their lives. And here I am still alone, moping and sulking in my loneliness...

I have been chatting with this guy for a few days now. Nakilala ko siya sa isang social media app - one of those random adds na naman. Yes, I'm that guy. Pero anong magagawa ko, I'm lonely. haha Anyway, I commented one time in his photo, asking if he's still working where his profile says he's working. It was somewhere familiar because I had applied to that company before. So, we kept on chatting from that simple inquiry. I was surprised that he kept the conversation going until the end of the day until we fell asleep. I kinda felt something good going on there. Until this day, we've kept the conversation going every day. Our conversations started wholesome with our jobs, traveling, hobbies, and days off to talking about sleepwear and preference in guys. So I guess, we're already at that getting-to-know stage. His days off are weird and don't usually coincide with my days off. But we have already decided to meet in 2 weeks. Hopefully, we can talk more about ...

 I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I know what I need to do. I know how important it is for my future and yet, here I am having an extremely difficult time getting things done. I am easily distracted from doing the thing I need to finish. I begin another project that is not important or do a completely unproductive, useless activity just to pass the time. I honestly, don't know. I don't if I lack motivation or if I want to fail or I just don't want to be. It's frustrating because I know I'm fully capable but I keep on doing this to myself.  I don't know. I keep telling myself that I need professional help. Yet, I haven't sought help. If only I could just fade away. I'm tired.

Sa mga oras na iyon, tipong game na lang kaming magkakaibigan kung anong mangyari. Inumpisahan kasi nung isang guy na tumingin sa aming direksyon sa may Starbucks sa Greenfield. Tipong nag-uusap kaming magkakaibigan doon sa labas na tables nang sabay-sabay kaming napatingin sa isang lalaking dumaan. Sabay-sabay kaming nagtawanan nang mahuli kami. Pero ang nakakapagtaka ay kahit makalagpas na siya, ilang ulit pa rin ang dungaw niya sa amin. Eh di parang, "trip ata tayo noon." Sinundan namin ng tingin yung guy hanggang sa nakumbinse namin yung isa naming kaibigan na sundan siya talaga para ayaing makipagkape or whatever. Bumalik si friend na hindi bitbit si Kuya. Ang pangalawang tagpo ay noong papalakad na kami sa EDSA kung saan sasakay ang mga kaibigan ko. Tinagos namin ang Greenfield papunta sa direction ng Rob Forum. Sa bandang Flair pa lang may nakipagtitigan na sa aming lalaki. Yung isa naming kaibigan ang tumawag sa aming atensyon. Sabi niya, tigil lang daw muna kami a...

I I was the first one to arrive to his house. It was a familiar feeling being back there. It was even more familiar when we hugged. We hugged for a while before letting go. He toured me around his flat. It was huge. I was proud of him. I was proud of what he became. We went to the living to room to chat. I sat beside him. There was no awkwardness, nothing that will tell you that it's been more than year since we last saw each other. I snuggle beside him. I scooted closer to him and laid my head on his chest. I felt no resistance. We were still talking about our daily lives when he stood, took my hand and led me to one of the two bedrooms. We laid down and this time we were full blown cuddling. It was just like before, just like when we started to become close and leveled up our friendship. I thought it was nice for him to let us relive what we had before. I thought nothing of it. I thought we were just being sweet and nothing will happen. I was caressing his chest, running ...

I recently watched/attended my first Pride Parade ever. This happened in San Francisco. Just a few hours drive from where I recently moved. I was very excited in the days prior to the parade. I told my friend, whom I was meeting there, that I can't help but be giddy and ecstatic knowing I would be watching my first ever Pride. But why was I so excited? I won't be able to post whatever photos I take in the parade in my social media accounts. Nor can I tell anyone that I have been in my first ever Pride unless I want to out myself. So can there still be Pride for the closeted gay like me? The Pride movement started a year after the famous Stonewall Riot in NYC in 1969 where the patrons of the gay bar stood up against the police raid. It was done to commemorate the resistance of the gay community demonstrated against the status quo. The term pride was coined by L. Craig Schoonmaker when trying to name the series of events they have planned. According to an interview, he ...

I've been pondering for hours now (days now, actually, since I've been meaning to write since Tuesday night) on how I would like to begin this series of blog posts from my holiday. There have been a lot of emotions and experiences that I wanted to share with you and to my future self, but I didn't want to make it too emotional nor dramatic. At first, before all of these happened, I was just planning to write and share the possible sexcapades that would happen in my trip. - you know, like I always do. Also as I mentioned in my last post, I got to schedule a date meet-up with my last ex which was already big by itself. That meet-up also had a follow-up. I didn't have any expectation in our meeting but I guess it helped me in finally moving on from that break up. So now, where would I begin. I'll probably start from the last, the most recent one. I would like to share  with you where I am right now and how I am dealing. It has been a struggle to be honest on how I...

Oh yasss! I'm beckla from outer space. Just turn around now. It's nice to back in my home country, home of beautiful smiles and luscious men. Charot. Higit sa isang taon din akong nawala at ngayon ay nagbabalik. Nagbalik upang makasama ang pamilya at mga kamag-anak, at makita ang mga kaibigan, lalong-lalo na ang sangkabaklaan kong tropa mula noon highschool hanggang sa blog at twitter. Totoo. Other than my family, seeing and hanging out with my gay friends is what I'm mostly looking forward to in this holiday. You see, sa Tate, walang nakakaalam na bakla ang inyong lingkod. Tagong-tago at closetang closeta ang lola ninyo. Sige lumalabas ang pagkapamintang buo ko pero walang confirmation at walang sabi-sabi. Kaya sobrang repressed ko doon. So far, puro gay friends na yung mga nakita ko. Sobrang excited ko lang sa baklaan portions with them. Chikahan about our love lives na yung akin ay non-existent. Ang isa ko pang kinapananabikan ay ang boys. Dahil nga non-existent ...

Bale ika-16 na ng Hulyo ngayon sa Pinas at bukas ay ika-17 na. Dapat ay tatlong taon na kami ng huli kong kasintahan bukas. Ngunit  tulad ng nasabi ko na sa nakaraang post ay wala na kami. Hindi kami umabot ng isang taon, ni hindi namin nasubukan 'yung pinaghahandaan naming LDR. Kung bakit kami naghiwalay ay sa ibang pagkakataon ko na sasabihin. Hindi iyon ang pakay ko sa post na ito bagkos, ngayon ang simula ng aking paghilom. "Paghilom?! Arteh! Dalawang taon na kayong wala. Move-on, move-on din." Oo, paghilom. Tama nga, dalawang taon na nga. Ngunit kailangan ko maging totoo. Hindi ganoon kadali ang magpatuloy o mag-"move on" tulad ng sinasabi ng nakararami. Sabi nga sa kasabihan, madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. Ngunit pakiramdam ko ito na ang tamang oras na harapin lahat ng mga alaala at pangyayari at ito na rin ang tamang panahom simulan ito. Sa totoo, ito na ang pinakamatagal ko bago maka-move-on. Doon sa unang tatlo kong kasintahan, mabilis akon...

It was in an event of some sort. The venue was packed. People were chatting, drinking, dancing in every corner. Around the venue were booths, probably of the event's sponsors. I went around the place, trying to see who was there. Surprisingly, I was with a date. I have met him weeks before, but the interest slowly faded. As I walk around the dance floor, moving from booth to booth, I noticed a familiar signage. It was the logo of the company where the ex works. Manning the booth was none other than HiM, my ex. Throughout the event, I tried my best to avoid seeing him, or even talking to him. But the more I try to avoid him, the more that we tend to gravitate towards each other. Then finally, as I was talking to some random dude, like in a classic cliche rom com fashion, we were back to back having our own separate conversations, when we bumped into each other. "Oh. Hi!" I said, as if I was surprised. "Hey!" "You wanna grab something to drink f...

Just saw Love, Simon in our town cinema. I saw it alone. I just had to see it. There's something about coming of age movies, and teen love stories that excites me. I came out of the theater with a renewed sense of hope for love after seeing the movie. Its poster reads "Everyone deserves a great love story." I do believe that now. I do believe that everyone deserves a great love story. I deserve a great love story too. After my last relationship I lost any hope or enthusiasm for love. I thought that my last relationship might have been the last time I'll be able to love again, the last time I'll be able to give myself and love so much that it hurts. But this movie gave me new found belief that someday, I'll find someone who I could spend the rest of my life with. It wasn't just the love story that I related to from the movie. It was also the struggle of Simon in coming out and his struggle for acceptance not just by the school but also his family and ...

Recently I got in touch with the highschool barkada and of course, the secret kalandian was there. I think I have mentioned him in one of my entries before. Well, just to give you guys an idea again: he's slightly taller than me, a bit in the skinny side, dark, and well-endowed. So heto na nga. Bilang matagal kaming hindi nagkitang magbabarkada, maraming kwentuhang naganap. Inabot kami ng madaling araw. Nagsiuwian na ang lahat maliban sa akin. Si Kalan (kalandian) naman, nandoon rin siyempre kasi bahay niya yun. Balak ko magpaiwan  talaga para makipagkwentuhan pa kasi matagal ko rin siyang di nakakausap nang personal. At naalala ko noong huli naming pagkikita/pagsasama, wala namang naganap sa amin dahil may gf siya noon. Ngayon, may gf ulit siya (bago) kaya inalis ko na sa utak ko na pwedeng may mangyari ulit sa amin. Naupo ako sa kama ninya habang nakaharap naman siya sa computer niya at nagke-kwento ng mga bagay tungkol sa trabaho niya at sa hobby niya na video editing. ...

I don't remember if I've written an inception story before but I had the weirdest (or hottest) inception dream the other night. It was weird because it involves people from college that I haven't seen for quite awhile. So here's how the dream/s went. I was sitting on a couch with, let's just call him, John. John is tall, dark, quiet, hairy, mysterious, and straight guy that I have always had a crush on since college. We were there talking with another college bud.  The conversation was vague. I don't exactly paid much attention to it because I was a bit distracted. I noticed that John was slightly leaning on my right arm where I was putting my body weight on. Of course, I am far too familiar with those kinds of signals - brushing, touching, nudging, leaning - coming from straight guys. It's obvious that he was flirting. Being straight, he doesn't want to come of as gay by initiating flirting/sex. They tease you. And I, horny as heck (in my dream, c...

Thing are starting to be clear now. I have been seeing a number of pictures of Ilocos in my Newsfeed. It reminded me of the trip with the ex. It was a fun memory. Touring the region, the attractions, scenes, and landmarks. But along with those happy memories is the first time we almost break up. For some reason I was having a fit. I wasn't sure what I was going through but it felt like I was having a tantrum.  Looking back, I realize now why I said thoses words to him that time. I told him that he was better off without me, that he needs ssomeone else, that he needs someone who would be able to take care of him. In short, he needed someone better. Remembering it all now, I realize more things about my feelings then. I realize now that it would be selfish for me to want him to go to the US with me and leave his family. It would be selfish for me to leave him in the Philippines for a while and wait for me to petition for him. And it wouls be selfish of me to ask him to...

Matapos kong ihinto ang sasakyan sa paradahan, di ko na napigilang umiyak. Habang tumutugtog ang kanta ni reyna Whitney Houston na I Have Nothing, ako naman ay humahagulgol. Di ko maintindihan kung anong lungkot yung bumalot sa akin. Galing ako sa pasyente kanina. Sila ay matandang mag-asawa na nakatira sa isang assisted living facility. Tinanong ko yung babae tungkol sa kanilang anak. Ika niya, sa malapit lang nagtatrabaho yung anak niya kaya dito sila tumira para malapit lang habang hinihintay nilang sila ay umalis. Nakuha ko agad ang gusto niyang sabihin. Doon sila tumira upang malapit lang sila sa kanilang anak kung sakaling may mawal sa kanilang dalawa. Tuloy-tuloy lang ang hagulgol ko sa kotse sa pagpatuloy ni Whitney sa I Will Always Love You. Inisip ko marahil nabalot ako ng pinaghalong takot at lungkot. Takot na tumanda mag-isa. Takot na tumanda na walang makakasama. Takot na umabot ako sa edad na hindi ko man lamang kayang alagaan ang sarili ko. Ganito na lamang ba ...