Simula

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Bale ika-16 na ng Hulyo ngayon sa Pinas at bukas ay ika-17 na. Dapat ay tatlong taon na kami ng huli kong kasintahan bukas. Ngunit  tulad ng nasabi ko na sa nakaraang post ay wala na kami. Hindi kami umabot ng isang taon, ni hindi namin nasubukan 'yung pinaghahandaan naming LDR. Kung bakit kami naghiwalay ay sa ibang pagkakataon ko na sasabihin. Hindi iyon ang pakay ko sa post na ito bagkos, ngayon ang simula ng aking paghilom.

"Paghilom?! Arteh! Dalawang taon na kayong wala. Move-on, move-on din."

Oo, paghilom. Tama nga, dalawang taon na nga. Ngunit kailangan ko maging totoo. Hindi ganoon kadali ang magpatuloy o mag-"move on" tulad ng sinasabi ng nakararami. Sabi nga sa kasabihan, madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. Ngunit pakiramdam ko ito na ang tamang oras na harapin lahat ng mga alaala at pangyayari at ito na rin ang tamang panahom simulan ito.

Sa totoo, ito na ang pinakamatagal ko bago maka-move-on. Doon sa unang tatlo kong kasintahan, mabilis akong nakabawi dahil sa iba't ibang dahilan. Ngunit sa kanya, doon sa huli, hindi ko akalaing aabot ako ng ganito katagal, marahil dahil siya ang una kong minahal nang buo, marahil dahil kasalanan ko kung bakit kami naghiwalay, at marahil dahil nagpakabaliw ako masuyo lang siya ulit. 

Noong mga unang linggo ko dito ay, hindi ko masyadong naiisip ang mga nangyari sa amin, sa aming paghihiwalay. Masyado pa akong abala sa pag-ayos ng bago kong buhay dito sa Amerika. Nagdaan ang ilang buwan ay pasulpot-sulpot lang ang mga alaala ko sa kanya dahil babalik ako sa pamomroblema sa mga bagay-bagay dito at sa bago kong trabaho.

Ngunit noong humapa na ang mga bagay at ako na mag-isa sa bahay at sa pagmamaneho, unti-unti nang nanunumbalik ang mga alaala ng mga kaganapan sa mga unang buwan ng taong iyon na humantong sa aming pahihiwalay. Tila sirang plaka or pelikula na nanunumbalik sa isip ko ang mga pangyayari sa usapan sa cellphone, sa Art Fair, sa choir practice niya, sa sambahan nila, sa Go Hotel, at sa Eastwood. Minsan, sige na nga, madalas sa pag-aalala ko ng mga nangyari ay napapaluha na lang ako bigla. Minsan may isang pagkakataon na kailangan ko muna maghanap ng mapaparadahan bago magmaneho upang iiyak lang lahat ng luha na naipon sa mga mata ko. Minsan natatawa na lang ako sa sarili ko tuwing nangyayari iyon at minsan nilalamon lang ako ng lungkot.

Totoo pala iyon, binubulong ko sa sarili ko noon. Iyong sinabi ni Angelica Panganiban sa pelikula nila ni JM de Guzman. Sabi niya noon na lahat ng bagay na nikikita niya ay nagpapaalala sa kanya ng dati niyang kasintahan. Napatunayan ko iyon. Lahat na lang. Yung mahabang pagmamaneho, yung damit, yung amoy, yung pakiramdam, at lalong lalo na yung mga kanta sa radyo, lalong lalo na yung mga kanta sa radyo. Parang bawat salita ay nangungusap sa mga pinagdadaanan ko noon, sa pag-iibigan namin hanggang sa paghihiwalay namin. Totoong nakakaiyak, Ate Charo. hehe Ang tanging nakakayanan kong pakinggan sa kotse ay mga kantang pagpuri at pagsamba. Naisip ko na lang noon na marahil may nais ipahiwatig sa akin ang Diyos kaya ko pinagdadaanan lahat ng iyon.

Ngayon, tulad nga ng nasabi ko na kanina ay handa na akong simulan ang aking paglalakbay sa paghilom at gagamitin ko itong pagsusulat upang mailabas lahat ng matagal ko nang kinikimkim at pilit na binabaon sa limot. Handa na akong balikan ang masasaya at masasakit na alaalang nakalipas kung iyon ang magiging daan sa aking pagsulong.

Sa seryeng ito, susubukan kong ibahagi ang mga panahong magkasintahan pa kami gamit ang mga kantang nakapagpaalala sa akin sa kanya, at ang mga bagay na natutunan ko sa kanya at sa mga dati ko pang naging kasintahan. Ibahagi ko na rin sa inyo ang mga taong nakilala ko simula noong paglipat ko dito at kung bakit wala parin akong kasintahan ngayon. Ang mga isusulat ko ay magsisilbing isang talaarawan upang magpaalala sa akin ng mga napagdaanan ko upang magsilbi ring aral para sa mga susunod na relasyon ko. Marahil may iba rin taong nasa katulad na sitwasyon na nais ng payo, baka makatulong ang kwento ko sa kanila.

Sabayan niyo ako. 

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Linger

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It was in an event of some sort. The venue was packed. People were chatting, drinking, dancing in every corner. Around the venue were booths, probably of the event's sponsors.

I went around the place, trying to see who was there. Surprisingly, I was with a date. I have met him weeks before, but the interest slowly faded.

As I walk around the dance floor, moving from booth to booth, I noticed a familiar signage. It was the logo of the company where the ex works. Manning the booth was none other than HiM, my ex.

Throughout the event, I tried my best to avoid seeing him, or even talking to him. But the more I try to avoid him, the more that we tend to gravitate towards each other.

Then finally, as I was talking to some random dude, like in a classic cliche rom com fashion, we were back to back having our own separate conversations, when we bumped into each other.

"Oh. Hi!" I said, as if I was surprised.

"Hey!"

"You wanna grab something to drink from the bar?"

"Sure."

We excused ourselves and proceeded to the bar.

I couldn't remember what we talked about or how long we were talking. I could just remember the warm feeling I had, finally being able to talk to him after more than a year of trying to avoid him, trying to be the bigger man, the one who's strong and able to move on.

I think I told him that I already saw him when I entered the hall, that I tried my best not to interact with him or look at him, 'coz I didn't want him to know that I still have some feelings for him. He just laughed a little and grinned. Oh that smile, how I missed it.

He then looked away and stared to the crowd. I looked at his face - his nose, his lips, those cheeks I always wanted to kiss and push my face to. I was preparing to give out the speech - the how's and why's, the what if and maybe's, and the longing I have been trying to suppress.

As I was opening my mouth, I woke up.

I wasn't even able to tell him that I still care and that I hope we can be friends, or that I am sorry for everything that I have done, and that I am truly happy in what he is able to achieve.

I'm not really expecting HiM and I to ever see each other again in real life. But if we do, I hope we're both in a better place and be able to move past what happened to us a be mature enough to have a decent meaningful conversation like we used to.
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Love, Mamon.

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Just saw Love, Simon in our town cinema. I saw it alone. I just had to see it. There's something about coming of age movies, and teen love stories that excites me.

I came out of the theater with a renewed sense of hope for love after seeing the movie. Its poster reads "Everyone deserves a great love story." I do believe that now. I do believe that everyone deserves a great love story. I deserve a great love story too.

After my last relationship I lost any hope or enthusiasm for love. I thought that my last relationship might have been the last time I'll be able to love again, the last time I'll be able to give myself and love so much that it hurts. But this movie gave me new found belief that someday, I'll find someone who I could spend the rest of my life with.

It wasn't just the love story that I related to from the movie. It was also the struggle of Simon in coming out and his struggle for acceptance not just by the school but also his family and himself.

I used to think once in a foreign land, living by myself without any family around, I can live however I want. But when I came here, I didn't realize that it would be more difficult. Before, I had friends - close, trusted friends- who know I am gay. I can be who I am with them. I can be the person I want, the person I can't be with my family or at work. Being with friends who I can be free balances out the secret life I am living everyday.

But here, it's different. Nobody knows I am gay and I don't intend on telling anyone too. It's not because I don't think they're not trustworthy or that they might not accept me. It's just that I don't want things to change or be awkward when I hang out with the guys or girls in the community. So, for now, I'm just enjoying gay stuff by myself.

And that's it for tonight. Walang halong kabastusan ngayon (Yes, Im talking to you Mac Callister!)

I have been thinking of a series to write. Something about my last relationship, how it ended and how I got through it. Sorta Moving On series siguro. It'll be therapeutic, hopefully. Also, it could serve as a reminder for future relationships, and sorta advice to anyone who is going through the same thing I did.

Thanks for reading. Til next time.


Love, Mamon.




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Si Tropa

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Recently I got in touch with the highschool barkada and of course, the secret kalandian was there. I think I have mentioned him in one of my entries before. Well, just to give you guys an idea again: he's slightly taller than me, a bit in the skinny side, dark, and well-endowed.

So heto na nga. Bilang matagal kaming hindi nagkitang magbabarkada, maraming kwentuhang naganap. Inabot kami ng madaling araw.

Nagsiuwian na ang lahat maliban sa akin. Si Kalan (kalandian) naman, nandoon rin siyempre kasi bahay niya yun.

Balak ko magpaiwan  talaga para makipagkwentuhan pa kasi matagal ko rin siyang di nakakausap nang personal. At naalala ko noong huli naming pagkikita/pagsasama, wala namang naganap sa amin dahil may gf siya noon. Ngayon, may gf ulit siya (bago) kaya inalis ko na sa utak ko na pwedeng may mangyari ulit sa amin.

Naupo ako sa kama ninya habang nakaharap naman siya sa computer niya at nagke-kwento ng mga bagay tungkol sa trabaho niya at sa hobby niya na video editing.

Tumagal ang usapan hanggang mga alas-tres ng umaga. May lakad pa siya ng umaga na 'yun kaya naisipan na naming matulog. Nasa kama niya ako (walang bed frame, kaya nasa sahig lang). Naglapag na siya ng sarili niyang foam. Pinatay na niya ang ilaw.

Pagod ako noong mga araw na iyon kaya inaantok-antok na rin ako nang mga oras na iyon. Nakakatulog-tulog na rin ako noon. Ngunit, subalit, datapwat, may naramdaman na akong pumatong sa hita ko.

Tulad ng dating gawi, pinatong niya yung kanang hita niya sa kaliwang hita ko. Pucha!, sabi ko sa sarili ko. This is fucking happening, dagdag ko.

Tulad ng dati, ginapang ko ang kaliwang kamay ko sa hita niya patungo sa sandata niya. (whatta?!)

Bumalik ang alaala ng mga kalokohan namin noon. At pucha, malaki parin talaga ang alaga niya.

Hindi na ko nagpa-virgin. Imbes na himas-himasin ko lang muna, tumungo na agad ako sa kanya. Ngumingisi. Gusto kong maging kumportable siya at ipaalam na di niya kailangan magtulog-tulugan.

Sinubo ko na agad siya. Marahil kulang lang ako sa ensayo o talaga lumaki pa siya lalo makalipas ang ilang taon. I vote the latter. Kasi pucha, di talaga kasya yung haba at taba ng alaga niya sa bibig ko. Ang hirap isubo lahat.

Tinanggal ko ang shorts niya at sumagot naman siya sa pagtanggal ng sando niya. So like ako, puta, this is really happening. Sinimulan ko ang pagromansa sa kanya mula leeg pababa. Gusto ko sana subukang halikan siya kaso natakot akong ma-reject.

Makalipas ang ilang minutong pagsubo at pag dila sa kanyang general groin area, di pa siya umaabot sa rurok. Napagod na ang leeg at bibig ko. Kako, nakakapagod. Natawa naman siya ng kaunti.


On having a big dick
"Lalo pa tong lumaki ah," ika ko habang jinajakol siya

"Talaga? Parang hindi naman"

"Kawawa naman yung mga gf mo,"

"Yan nga sabi nila pag nakikita nila agad yan eh. Sa una talaga nasasaktan sila"


Nangawit na talaga ako sa kakajakol sa kanya kaya siya na ang sumalo. Tinuloy ko na lang ang pagdila sa kanya "doon" hanggang siya ay labasan. Pinunsan ko siya at tumabi na ako sa kanya.


On questioning his sexuality
" Bakit ba natin 'to ginagawa?" tanong niya

"Actually, yun nga itatanong ko sa'yo eh", sagot ko

"Di ko rin alam eh. Parang gusto ko lang gawin"

"Ah okay."

"Babae naman gusto ko pero, pag sayo parang gusto ko gawin yan"

On exclusivity
"Bakla ba ako?," aniya

"Nagawa mo na ba yan sa iba... (lalaki)," tanong ko

"Hindi. Simula highschool, ikaw lang, "sagot niya

Sa puntong iyon, medyo natawa ako. Ang mushy diba?

"Haha. Pakinggan mo ulit yung sinabi.."

"Ay pucha, nakakatawa nga noh. Pero seryoso, ikaw lang talaga. Ang weird mang sabihin"

"Haha, salamat ha. Feeling ko malibog ka lang. May gusto kang subukan. Pero sabi mo nga di mo naman hinahanap, tsaka sa babae ka naman nagkakagusto. So wag mo nalang masyado pag-isipan yun."


On coming out
"Tingin mo, okay lang umamin sa kanila (barkada)"

"Kailangan pa ba? Di ba parang open secret naman?"

"Talaga? Yun ba iniisip ninyo?"

"Di naman. Pero parang alam na namin eh. Tsaka kahit sabihin mo, tropa tayo eh. Walang magbabago"

"Awww. Salamat"

"Sino ba naka-ano mo noong highschool?"

"haha. marami pero di na mahalaga yun. may mga asawa at anak na yung iba sa kanila."

"Ang alam ko lang, si *****"

"Bakit alam mo yun?"

"Gagu, ikaw kaya nagsabi noon"


On friendship
"Hoy, mag-iingat ka doon ha."

"Ano?"

"Alam mo na yun."

"Ah. Oo. Malinis naman ako. Di ako naggaganun."


Matapos yung gabing 'yon pakiramdam ko ang lapit na naming dalawa. I mean, kakaiba pala yung may close kang straight. Nakakalungkot lang na di ko siya makausap dahil hawak ng gf niya ang socmed accounts niya.

Kung tinatanong ninyo kung matutuloy parin yung gawain namin kahit magpakasal na siya eventually.. hindi ko alam..

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Inception

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I don't remember if I've written an inception story before but I had the weirdest (or hottest) inception dream the other night.

It was weird because it involves people from college that I haven't seen for quite awhile. So here's how the dream/s went.

I was sitting on a couch with, let's just call him, John. John is tall, dark, quiet, hairy, mysterious, and straight guy that I have always had a crush on since college. We were there talking with another college bud.  The conversation was vague. I don't exactly paid much attention to it because I was a bit distracted. I noticed that John was slightly leaning on my right arm where I was putting my body weight on.

Of course, I am far too familiar with those kinds of signals - brushing, touching, nudging, leaning - coming from straight guys. It's obvious that he was flirting. Being straight, he doesn't want to come of as gay by initiating flirting/sex. They tease you. And I, horny as heck (in my dream, coz it's been so long since my last sex. oh you don't know how hard it is living in a different land without sex or a boyfriend to call at night. well that's a different story) I took the bait.

Not attracting attention, I slid my hand in John's shirt, gliding my fingers on his back. I felt a slight twitch from him. Without him actually looking at me or trying to stop me, I got my approval. continued to rub my hand slowly through his back, teasing ever so lightly his butt crack and cheeks.  The I realized that the dream was a sleepover. So we went to our respective beds.

Here's where it becomes vague. Im not sure what happened in between but we ended up on separate adjacent beds. At that point I got frustrated, I thought he wanted to get freaky (do people still say that?!). I got up my bed and crawled to his. I laid beside him, slid my body in his blanket and inched my way closer to him. (Come to think of it, I guess my mind was recreating a scene from when I had my first night sleeping with a certain blogger/tweep. Going back...)

Just when I was about to go down on his hairy bodeh, I awaken. I awaken thinking what a weird dream that was. They say that your mind tells you things through your dreams, and I thought my mind was telling me to get laid, or I was so tigang na. (pardon the taglish). I went out that day, still thinking about the dream, went about my daily life. At the end of the day, I met up with a college girl friend who had a crush/love for John. I told her about my dream and we were both laughing hard while drinking our cosmos. At that point I realized I was still dreaming because that girl friend was in the other end of the country. That's when I finally awaken.

I got up from bed, which I only sleep on during weekends, and pull out my totem to make sure I was not dreaming anymore. That's when I messaged my girl friend.

"Girl, I just had the weirdest inception dream. It involved you, me and John. Pero bastos."


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