Back again


I was the first one to arrive to his house. It was a familiar feeling being back there. It was even more familiar when we hugged. We hugged for a while before letting go. He toured me around his flat. It was huge. I was proud of him. I was proud of what he became.

We went to the living to room to chat. I sat beside him. There was no awkwardness, nothing that will tell you that it's been more than year since we last saw each other. I snuggle beside him. I scooted closer to him and laid my head on his chest. I felt no resistance.

We were still talking about our daily lives when he stood, took my hand and led me to one of the two bedrooms. We laid down and this time we were full blown cuddling. It was just like before, just like when we started to become close and leveled up our friendship. I thought it was nice for him to let us relive what we had before. I thought nothing of it. I thought we were just being sweet and nothing will happen.

I was caressing his chest, running my fingers around his nipples to his belly button. I kissed his neck to his chin to his chest. He offered no signs of resistance so I went on. All this happened while we were still talking about our lives.

I mustered up some courage and ran my fingers from his body to his legs then his crotch. I saw him winced, grinned and smiled. We did this for a while, not breaking our conversation. "Are you alright with this?" I asked. He just nodded.

I guess the pressure was building up when he sat up, and said "Let's do this before they arrive. You want to do this, right?"

Surprised but a little excited, I sheepishly said, "yes, of course."

He then laid me down and undressed me, pulled out my shorts and brief. He started to go down on me which surprised me more because as I remember it, he doesn't want to give head, he wants to fuck.

Feeling almost exploding, I pulled him up and push him to the bed. It's your turn, I told him. I began kissing him on his lips and his face. I went down to his neck to his chest. Lingered for a while at his nipples - biting, licking and sucking it. Finally, went down on him.

I was surprised when he got up and pulled me to the bathroom. He turned the shower on and knelt down to suck me. It was electric. I guess he was trying to hurry when he said, "Let's cum, they might arrive any moment." I pulled him up and went down on him. He asked, "Where do you want it?" I pointed to my chest. He pulled out his dick  and jacked off to explode on my chest.

We cleaned up and laid back down to bed until our friends arrive.

*This is one of the many sexual encounters I had while I was back in the homeland early this year.
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Pride of a Closeted Gay

I recently watched/attended my first Pride Parade ever. This happened in San Francisco. Just a few hours drive from where I recently moved.

I was very excited in the days prior to the parade. I told my friend, whom I was meeting there, that I can't help but be giddy and ecstatic knowing I would be watching my first ever Pride.

But why was I so excited? I won't be able to post whatever photos I take in the parade in my social media accounts. Nor can I tell anyone that I have been in my first ever Pride unless I want to out myself.

So can there still be Pride for the closeted gay like me?

The Pride movement started a year after the famous Stonewall Riot in NYC in 1969 where the patrons of the gay bar stood up against the police raid. It was done to commemorate the resistance of the gay community demonstrated against the status quo.

The term pride was coined by L. Craig Schoonmaker when trying to name the series of events they have planned. According to an interview, he said why he suggested gay pride over gay power,  "People did not have power then; even now, we only have some. But anyone can have pride in themselves, and that would make them happier as people, and produce the movement likely to produce change."*

A closet gay guy like me surely doesn't have any power. It's exactly the opposite. At least that's what I feel. I feel powerless. I am always in hiding, always denying, always dodging questions about my sexuality. Always scared that if others may find out what I was hiding, my whole world will shatter.

Can I still be proud? Can I be proud of who I am, of being gay, while still be in the closet?

I have long accepted who I am many years ago. I have come to grips that the reality is I am exclusively attracted to men. I have bargained with myself before that I will wait until I get to have a sexual encounter with a woman before I decide if I'm definitely gay. And since that encounter, I firmly believe without a shadow of doubt that I am 100% gay.

I may have accepted myself, however, I don't think my family is ready to know the truth. They have, in multiple occasions, expressed their disdain with homosexuals appearing in media. They are tolerating, sure, but I don't think they will be accepting once they find out that I am one of those they usually look down on or mock.

So to answer that question, I don't think I feel proud of who I am right now, still being in the closet. Pride is having that pleasure or satisfaction of one's own qualities or achievements. Pride is being in the best state. Therefore, having pride is not being afraid to speak your truth, or be embarrassed to admit to everyone who you really are.

Therefore, I attended Pride envious of the people who can shout to the world "This is me. Deal with it." or those who are openly fighting for the same rights that heterosexuals are enjoying, or those who are openly supporting advocacies for the betterment of the society. I envy does who could tell the world that they are proud of who they are and there's nothing wrong about that.

My only hope once I do come out that my family would accept me not because I have a lot of accomplishments, nor because I am financially stable, not even because I have travelled the world, but because I am still me, that no matter what my sexuality is nothing has changed, and that I am still the same person they loved.

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Where do I begin?

I've been pondering for hours now (days now, actually, since I've been meaning to write since Tuesday night) on how I would like to begin this series of blog posts from my holiday. There have been a lot of emotions and experiences that I wanted to share with you and to my future self, but I didn't want to make it too emotional nor dramatic.

At first, before all of these happened, I was just planning to write and share the possible sexcapades that would happen in my trip. - you know, like I always do. Also as I mentioned in my last post, I got to schedule a date meet-up with my last ex which was already big by itself. That meet-up also had a follow-up. I didn't have any expectation in our meeting but I guess it helped me in finally moving on from that break up.

So now, where would I begin. I'll probably start from the last, the most recent one. I would like to share  with you where I am right now and how I am dealing. It has been a struggle to be honest on how I would approach this. But I guess everything is simmering down and the effect of Pisces is slowly dissipating, so I'm now more shall I say, logical and clear-headed, and probably more accepting of the outcome.

So there, lastly, I just wanted to share that when I came back here, I didn't feel the same feeling of home I had in the Philippines. I thought as soon as I'd step foot in my apartment, I'd feel relieved. I didn't. I felt like, oh shit, I'm here again. Oh well, this is the life I chose. So, I guess I should just learn to love it all over again. 

See you folks again. 
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Back from Outer Space

Oh yasss! I'm beckla from outer space. Just turn around now. It's nice to back in my home country, home of beautiful smiles and luscious men. Charot.

Higit sa isang taon din akong nawala at ngayon ay nagbabalik. Nagbalik upang makasama ang pamilya at mga kamag-anak, at makita ang mga kaibigan, lalong-lalo na ang sangkabaklaan kong tropa mula noon highschool hanggang sa blog at twitter.

Totoo. Other than my family, seeing and hanging out with my gay friends is what I'm mostly looking forward to in this holiday. You see, sa Tate, walang nakakaalam na bakla ang inyong lingkod. Tagong-tago at closetang closeta ang lola ninyo. Sige lumalabas ang pagkapamintang buo ko pero walang confirmation at walang sabi-sabi. Kaya sobrang repressed ko doon.

So far, puro gay friends na yung mga nakita ko. Sobrang excited ko lang sa baklaan portions with them. Chikahan about our love lives na yung akin ay non-existent.

Ang isa ko pang kinapananabikan ay ang boys. Dahil nga non-existent and lovelife ko doon, non-existent din ang sex life ko. So kamusta naman ang pagkahalaman ko, di man lang nadidiligan.

Tapos heto pa, tatlong taon na noong naghiwalay kami ni huling ex di ba. On my first week here, I messaged him kung pwede makipagkita. Pumayag naman siya. Di ko tinanong kung sila pa noong boyfriend niya or hindi na. Hindi ko muna kinamusta. I was already satisfied that he agreed to see me. So this coming Saturday, we will see the Madrigal Singers perform. Mahilig ako sa concerts at kantahan, at ganun din naman siya. So bakit pa? Bakit ko nga ba siya inaya. Siguro I wanted to clear the air and finally feel some closure of letting go the right way. I don't know. Wala naman din akong expectation sa meeting naming kundi makasama siya probably for the last time. And this time, properly.

hays. hahaha

Anyway, abangan na lang ang mga susunod na post. See you.


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Bale ika-16 na ng Hulyo ngayon sa Pinas at bukas ay ika-17 na. Dapat ay tatlong taon na kami ng huli kong kasintahan bukas. Ngunit  tulad ng nasabi ko na sa nakaraang post ay wala na kami. Hindi kami umabot ng isang taon, ni hindi namin nasubukan 'yung pinaghahandaan naming LDR. Kung bakit kami naghiwalay ay sa ibang pagkakataon ko na sasabihin. Hindi iyon ang pakay ko sa post na ito bagkos, ngayon ang simula ng aking paghilom.

"Paghilom?! Arteh! Dalawang taon na kayong wala. Move-on, move-on din."

Oo, paghilom. Tama nga, dalawang taon na nga. Ngunit kailangan ko maging totoo. Hindi ganoon kadali ang magpatuloy o mag-"move on" tulad ng sinasabi ng nakararami. Sabi nga sa kasabihan, madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. Ngunit pakiramdam ko ito na ang tamang oras na harapin lahat ng mga alaala at pangyayari at ito na rin ang tamang panahom simulan ito.

Sa totoo, ito na ang pinakamatagal ko bago maka-move-on. Doon sa unang tatlo kong kasintahan, mabilis akong nakabawi dahil sa iba't ibang dahilan. Ngunit sa kanya, doon sa huli, hindi ko akalaing aabot ako ng ganito katagal, marahil dahil siya ang una kong minahal nang buo, marahil dahil kasalanan ko kung bakit kami naghiwalay, at marahil dahil nagpakabaliw ako masuyo lang siya ulit. 

Noong mga unang linggo ko dito ay, hindi ko masyadong naiisip ang mga nangyari sa amin, sa aming paghihiwalay. Masyado pa akong abala sa pag-ayos ng bago kong buhay dito sa Amerika. Nagdaan ang ilang buwan ay pasulpot-sulpot lang ang mga alaala ko sa kanya dahil babalik ako sa pamomroblema sa mga bagay-bagay dito at sa bago kong trabaho.

Ngunit noong humapa na ang mga bagay at ako na mag-isa sa bahay at sa pagmamaneho, unti-unti nang nanunumbalik ang mga alaala ng mga kaganapan sa mga unang buwan ng taong iyon na humantong sa aming pahihiwalay. Tila sirang plaka or pelikula na nanunumbalik sa isip ko ang mga pangyayari sa usapan sa cellphone, sa Art Fair, sa choir practice niya, sa sambahan nila, sa Go Hotel, at sa Eastwood. Minsan, sige na nga, madalas sa pag-aalala ko ng mga nangyari ay napapaluha na lang ako bigla. Minsan may isang pagkakataon na kailangan ko muna maghanap ng mapaparadahan bago magmaneho upang iiyak lang lahat ng luha na naipon sa mga mata ko. Minsan natatawa na lang ako sa sarili ko tuwing nangyayari iyon at minsan nilalamon lang ako ng lungkot.

Totoo pala iyon, binubulong ko sa sarili ko noon. Iyong sinabi ni Angelica Panganiban sa pelikula nila ni JM de Guzman. Sabi niya noon na lahat ng bagay na nikikita niya ay nagpapaalala sa kanya ng dati niyang kasintahan. Napatunayan ko iyon. Lahat na lang. Yung mahabang pagmamaneho, yung damit, yung amoy, yung pakiramdam, at lalong lalo na yung mga kanta sa radyo, lalong lalo na yung mga kanta sa radyo. Parang bawat salita ay nangungusap sa mga pinagdadaanan ko noon, sa pag-iibigan namin hanggang sa paghihiwalay namin. Totoong nakakaiyak, Ate Charo. hehe Ang tanging nakakayanan kong pakinggan sa kotse ay mga kantang pagpuri at pagsamba. Naisip ko na lang noon na marahil may nais ipahiwatig sa akin ang Diyos kaya ko pinagdadaanan lahat ng iyon.

Ngayon, tulad nga ng nasabi ko na kanina ay handa na akong simulan ang aking paglalakbay sa paghilom at gagamitin ko itong pagsusulat upang mailabas lahat ng matagal ko nang kinikimkim at pilit na binabaon sa limot. Handa na akong balikan ang masasaya at masasakit na alaalang nakalipas kung iyon ang magiging daan sa aking pagsulong.

Sa seryeng ito, susubukan kong ibahagi ang mga panahong magkasintahan pa kami gamit ang mga kantang nakapagpaalala sa akin sa kanya, at ang mga bagay na natutunan ko sa kanya at sa mga dati ko pang naging kasintahan. Ibahagi ko na rin sa inyo ang mga taong nakilala ko simula noong paglipat ko dito at kung bakit wala parin akong kasintahan ngayon. Ang mga isusulat ko ay magsisilbing isang talaarawan upang magpaalala sa akin ng mga napagdaanan ko upang magsilbi ring aral para sa mga susunod na relasyon ko. Marahil may iba rin taong nasa katulad na sitwasyon na nais ng payo, baka makatulong ang kwento ko sa kanila.

Sabayan niyo ako. 

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