Thing are starting to be clear now.
I have been seeing a number of pictures of Ilocos in my Newsfeed. It reminded me of the trip with the ex. It was a fun memory. Touring the region, the attractions, scenes, and landmarks.
But along with those happy memories is the first time we almost break up. For some reason I was having a fit. I wasn't sure what I was going through but it felt like I was having a tantrum.
Looking back, I realize now why I said thoses words to him that time. I told him that he was better off without me, that he needs ssomeone else, that he needs someone who would be able to take care of him. In short, he needed someone better.
Remembering it all now, I realize more things about my feelings then. I realize now that it would be selfish for me to want him to go to the US with me and leave his family. It would be selfish for me to leave him in the Philippines for a while and wait for me to petition for him. And it wouls be selfish of me to ask him to marry me so he can be an immigrant too if he doesn't want to.
Now it's becoming clear. All this time that I kept on wanting him back is because I don't want to be alone and lonely. I was being selfish. I am being selfish.
Now I realize that I do have to let him be. Let him be happy where he is now and who he is with.