Where do I begin?

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I've been pondering for hours now (days now, actually, since I've been meaning to write since Tuesday night) on how I would like to begin this series of blog posts from my holiday. There have been a lot of emotions and experiences that I wanted to share with you and to my future self, but I didn't want to make it too emotional nor dramatic.

At first, before all of these happened, I was just planning to write and share the possible sexcapades that would happen in my trip. - you know, like I always do. Also as I mentioned in my last post, I got to schedule a date meet-up with my last ex which was already big by itself. That meet-up also had a follow-up. I didn't have any expectation in our meeting but I guess it helped me in finally moving on from that break up.

So now, where would I begin. I'll probably start from the last, the most recent one. I would like to share  with you where I am right now and how I am dealing. It has been a struggle to be honest on how I would approach this. But I guess everything is simmering down and the effect of Pisces is slowly dissipating, so I'm now more shall I say, logical and clear-headed, and probably more accepting of the outcome.

So there, lastly, I just wanted to share that when I came back here, I didn't feel the same feeling of home I had in the Philippines. I thought as soon as I'd step foot in my apartment, I'd feel relieved. I didn't. I felt like, oh shit, I'm here again. Oh well, this is the life I chose. So, I guess I should just learn to love it all over again. 

See you folks again. 
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Back from Outer Space

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Oh yasss! I'm beckla from outer space. Just turn around now. It's nice to back in my home country, home of beautiful smiles and luscious men. Charot.

Higit sa isang taon din akong nawala at ngayon ay nagbabalik. Nagbalik upang makasama ang pamilya at mga kamag-anak, at makita ang mga kaibigan, lalong-lalo na ang sangkabaklaan kong tropa mula noon highschool hanggang sa blog at twitter.

Totoo. Other than my family, seeing and hanging out with my gay friends is what I'm mostly looking forward to in this holiday. You see, sa Tate, walang nakakaalam na bakla ang inyong lingkod. Tagong-tago at closetang closeta ang lola ninyo. Sige lumalabas ang pagkapamintang buo ko pero walang confirmation at walang sabi-sabi. Kaya sobrang repressed ko doon.

So far, puro gay friends na yung mga nakita ko. Sobrang excited ko lang sa baklaan portions with them. Chikahan about our love lives na yung akin ay non-existent.

Ang isa ko pang kinapananabikan ay ang boys. Dahil nga non-existent and lovelife ko doon, non-existent din ang sex life ko. So kamusta naman ang pagkahalaman ko, di man lang nadidiligan.

Tapos heto pa, tatlong taon na noong naghiwalay kami ni huling ex di ba. On my first week here, I messaged him kung pwede makipagkita. Pumayag naman siya. Di ko tinanong kung sila pa noong boyfriend niya or hindi na. Hindi ko muna kinamusta. I was already satisfied that he agreed to see me. So this coming Saturday, we will see the Madrigal Singers perform. Mahilig ako sa concerts at kantahan, at ganun din naman siya. So bakit pa? Bakit ko nga ba siya inaya. Siguro I wanted to clear the air and finally feel some closure of letting go the right way. I don't know. Wala naman din akong expectation sa meeting naming kundi makasama siya probably for the last time. And this time, properly.

hays. hahaha

Anyway, abangan na lang ang mga susunod na post. See you.

xoxo



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Simula

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Bale ika-16 na ng Hulyo ngayon sa Pinas at bukas ay ika-17 na. Dapat ay tatlong taon na kami ng huli kong kasintahan bukas. Ngunit  tulad ng nasabi ko na sa nakaraang post ay wala na kami. Hindi kami umabot ng isang taon, ni hindi namin nasubukan 'yung pinaghahandaan naming LDR. Kung bakit kami naghiwalay ay sa ibang pagkakataon ko na sasabihin. Hindi iyon ang pakay ko sa post na ito bagkos, ngayon ang simula ng aking paghilom.

"Paghilom?! Arteh! Dalawang taon na kayong wala. Move-on, move-on din."

Oo, paghilom. Tama nga, dalawang taon na nga. Ngunit kailangan ko maging totoo. Hindi ganoon kadali ang magpatuloy o mag-"move on" tulad ng sinasabi ng nakararami. Sabi nga sa kasabihan, madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. Ngunit pakiramdam ko ito na ang tamang oras na harapin lahat ng mga alaala at pangyayari at ito na rin ang tamang panahom simulan ito.

Sa totoo, ito na ang pinakamatagal ko bago maka-move-on. Doon sa unang tatlo kong kasintahan, mabilis akong nakabawi dahil sa iba't ibang dahilan. Ngunit sa kanya, doon sa huli, hindi ko akalaing aabot ako ng ganito katagal, marahil dahil siya ang una kong minahal nang buo, marahil dahil kasalanan ko kung bakit kami naghiwalay, at marahil dahil nagpakabaliw ako masuyo lang siya ulit. 

Noong mga unang linggo ko dito ay, hindi ko masyadong naiisip ang mga nangyari sa amin, sa aming paghihiwalay. Masyado pa akong abala sa pag-ayos ng bago kong buhay dito sa Amerika. Nagdaan ang ilang buwan ay pasulpot-sulpot lang ang mga alaala ko sa kanya dahil babalik ako sa pamomroblema sa mga bagay-bagay dito at sa bago kong trabaho.

Ngunit noong humapa na ang mga bagay at ako na mag-isa sa bahay at sa pagmamaneho, unti-unti nang nanunumbalik ang mga alaala ng mga kaganapan sa mga unang buwan ng taong iyon na humantong sa aming pahihiwalay. Tila sirang plaka or pelikula na nanunumbalik sa isip ko ang mga pangyayari sa usapan sa cellphone, sa Art Fair, sa choir practice niya, sa sambahan nila, sa Go Hotel, at sa Eastwood. Minsan, sige na nga, madalas sa pag-aalala ko ng mga nangyari ay napapaluha na lang ako bigla. Minsan may isang pagkakataon na kailangan ko muna maghanap ng mapaparadahan bago magmaneho upang iiyak lang lahat ng luha na naipon sa mga mata ko. Minsan natatawa na lang ako sa sarili ko tuwing nangyayari iyon at minsan nilalamon lang ako ng lungkot.

Totoo pala iyon, binubulong ko sa sarili ko noon. Iyong sinabi ni Angelica Panganiban sa pelikula nila ni JM de Guzman. Sabi niya noon na lahat ng bagay na nikikita niya ay nagpapaalala sa kanya ng dati niyang kasintahan. Napatunayan ko iyon. Lahat na lang. Yung mahabang pagmamaneho, yung damit, yung amoy, yung pakiramdam, at lalong lalo na yung mga kanta sa radyo, lalong lalo na yung mga kanta sa radyo. Parang bawat salita ay nangungusap sa mga pinagdadaanan ko noon, sa pag-iibigan namin hanggang sa paghihiwalay namin. Totoong nakakaiyak, Ate Charo. hehe Ang tanging nakakayanan kong pakinggan sa kotse ay mga kantang pagpuri at pagsamba. Naisip ko na lang noon na marahil may nais ipahiwatig sa akin ang Diyos kaya ko pinagdadaanan lahat ng iyon.

Ngayon, tulad nga ng nasabi ko na kanina ay handa na akong simulan ang aking paglalakbay sa paghilom at gagamitin ko itong pagsusulat upang mailabas lahat ng matagal ko nang kinikimkim at pilit na binabaon sa limot. Handa na akong balikan ang masasaya at masasakit na alaalang nakalipas kung iyon ang magiging daan sa aking pagsulong.

Sa seryeng ito, susubukan kong ibahagi ang mga panahong magkasintahan pa kami gamit ang mga kantang nakapagpaalala sa akin sa kanya, at ang mga bagay na natutunan ko sa kanya at sa mga dati ko pang naging kasintahan. Ibahagi ko na rin sa inyo ang mga taong nakilala ko simula noong paglipat ko dito at kung bakit wala parin akong kasintahan ngayon. Ang mga isusulat ko ay magsisilbing isang talaarawan upang magpaalala sa akin ng mga napagdaanan ko upang magsilbi ring aral para sa mga susunod na relasyon ko. Marahil may iba rin taong nasa katulad na sitwasyon na nais ng payo, baka makatulong ang kwento ko sa kanila.

Sabayan niyo ako. 

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Linger

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It was in an event of some sort. The venue was packed. People were chatting, drinking, dancing in every corner. Around the venue were booths, probably of the event's sponsors.

I went around the place, trying to see who was there. Surprisingly, I was with a date. I have met him weeks before, but the interest slowly faded.

As I walk around the dance floor, moving from booth to booth, I noticed a familiar signage. It was the logo of the company where the ex works. Manning the booth was none other than HiM, my ex.

Throughout the event, I tried my best to avoid seeing him, or even talking to him. But the more I try to avoid him, the more that we tend to gravitate towards each other.

Then finally, as I was talking to some random dude, like in a classic cliche rom com fashion, we were back to back having our own separate conversations, when we bumped into each other.

"Oh. Hi!" I said, as if I was surprised.

"Hey!"

"You wanna grab something to drink from the bar?"

"Sure."

We excused ourselves and proceeded to the bar.

I couldn't remember what we talked about or how long we were talking. I could just remember the warm feeling I had, finally being able to talk to him after more than a year of trying to avoid him, trying to be the bigger man, the one who's strong and able to move on.

I think I told him that I already saw him when I entered the hall, that I tried my best not to interact with him or look at him, 'coz I didn't want him to know that I still have some feelings for him. He just laughed a little and grinned. Oh that smile, how I missed it.

He then looked away and stared to the crowd. I looked at his face - his nose, his lips, those cheeks I always wanted to kiss and push my face to. I was preparing to give out the speech - the how's and why's, the what if and maybe's, and the longing I have been trying to suppress.

As I was opening my mouth, I woke up.

I wasn't even able to tell him that I still care and that I hope we can be friends, or that I am sorry for everything that I have done, and that I am truly happy in what he is able to achieve.

I'm not really expecting HiM and I to ever see each other again in real life. But if we do, I hope we're both in a better place and be able to move past what happened to us a be mature enough to have a decent meaningful conversation like we used to.
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Love, Mamon.

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Just saw Love, Simon in our town cinema. I saw it alone. I just had to see it. There's something about coming of age movies, and teen love stories that excites me.

I came out of the theater with a renewed sense of hope for love after seeing the movie. Its poster reads "Everyone deserves a great love story." I do believe that now. I do believe that everyone deserves a great love story. I deserve a great love story too.

After my last relationship I lost any hope or enthusiasm for love. I thought that my last relationship might have been the last time I'll be able to love again, the last time I'll be able to give myself and love so much that it hurts. But this movie gave me new found belief that someday, I'll find someone who I could spend the rest of my life with.

It wasn't just the love story that I related to from the movie. It was also the struggle of Simon in coming out and his struggle for acceptance not just by the school but also his family and himself.

I used to think once in a foreign land, living by myself without any family around, I can live however I want. But when I came here, I didn't realize that it would be more difficult. Before, I had friends - close, trusted friends- who know I am gay. I can be who I am with them. I can be the person I want, the person I can't be with my family or at work. Being with friends who I can be free balances out the secret life I am living everyday.

But here, it's different. Nobody knows I am gay and I don't intend on telling anyone too. It's not because I don't think they're not trustworthy or that they might not accept me. It's just that I don't want things to change or be awkward when I hang out with the guys or girls in the community. So, for now, I'm just enjoying gay stuff by myself.

And that's it for tonight. Walang halong kabastusan ngayon (Yes, Im talking to you Mac Callister!)

I have been thinking of a series to write. Something about my last relationship, how it ended and how I got through it. Sorta Moving On series siguro. It'll be therapeutic, hopefully. Also, it could serve as a reminder for future relationships, and sorta advice to anyone who is going through the same thing I did.

Thanks for reading. Til next time.


Love, Mamon.




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