Closet Clutters

Delete all messages? -Yes. Delete locked messages? *what locked messages?* I just read your blogspot about me. Or was it? I treat you as a close friend. I also thought that we could be what others cal as "partners." I thought I couldn't stand in the way of your dreams. Yun lang. I hope we can remain good friends. I wish you success and continued happiness Mamon! that day he knew what I felt about him... Mamon! baka wala ka ng load kaya di ka makareply... hihi.. just before this night ends for me (im abt to sleep), tandaan mo, lagi kang may friend at ako yun! I appreciate your effort to dropby and tell me your story. Hindi man ako ang magiging perfect friend mo, ang mahalaga dun, may perfect ears ako for you anytime na kelangan mo at available ako.. hehehe.. basta i-count mo na ako sa mga taong "like" ka naman.. hihihi.. have a great night my friend.. brush off the negative vibes and don't linger on what happened.. may kasunod yan na ...

Walang-ano-ano ay naibulong niya ang kanyang munting tanong... - Nagustuhan mo rin ba ako? Nahihiya pa niyang naitanong iyon habang nakapatong at nakasiksik ang kanyang mukha sa leeg ng kanyang kasama. - I mean... nagkagusto ka ba sa akin ever? Gusto man niyang bawiin, wala na siyang magawa. nasabi na rin niya eh. He might as well clear what he wanted to ask. > Di ba nga sabi ko sa'yo noon... magpapayat ka lang ng konti, ang hot mo na. - eeeeh. di mo naman sinagot yung tanong ko... Tanging tawa na lang ang naisagot sa kanya. Parang lahat, siguro halos lahat, na lang ng nakakasama niya sa kama ay iniisipan niya ng potential na maging kasintahan. Siguro dahil na rin sa pagkasawa niya sa palagian na lang sex ang bagsak ng nakakasama niya na kung saan siya ang madalas ang nagbibigay. Kaya marahil napapaisip na siyang lumagay sa tahimik. Hindi na niya ipinagpatuloy ang pagtatanong tungkol sa nararamdaman para sa kanya. Tila mayroon na siyang hina...

Yan ang kadalasang tanong sa akin ng mga taong nakakasalamuha ko. Minsan wala lang para sa akin. Minsan kinakabahan ako dahil baka naghihinala na sila sa aking pagkatao. Minsan nama'y naiinis na ko sa pagtatanong nila nang paulit-ulit para bang nanghihimasok na sa buhay ko. Siyempre ang mga nagtatanong nito sa akin ay iyong mga taong iniisip pa rin nila ay straight ako - mga kamag-anak, mga kaibigang lalaki at babaeng, mga katrabaho, at mga kakilala sa simbahan. Sa dalas na natatanong yan sa akin, hindi ko na pinag-iisapan sila ng masama kung bakit biglang natanong nila 'yon. Kaya sa lahat ng nagtatanong sa akin, isa na lang ang sagot ko. "Career muna bago girlfriend." Straight man o hindi, valid naman din para sa akin iyong dahilan ko. Bakit? Una, ayaw ko munang pumasok sa isang relasyon nang hindi ako panatag kung pera ang pag-uusapan. Ayaw ko yung sa tuwing lalabas kayo, iisipin mo kung saan makakatipid o kung ano ang pedeng gawin sa limitadong bud...

I remember a discussion in twitter about mom confronting her son as being gay. Most moms know it even before their sons tell them. Some even know that their sons are gay even before their sons know it. It's mothers' intuition. They say mothers are the first ones to know but last to confirm or confront their gay sons. My mom is apparently not one of those moms.I guess she's one of the naive ones - those who can't keep with the times, those who were born yesterday. How can I say this? Well there were a lot of times where I thought that my mom still believes that to be gay is to be cross-dressing, effeminate, or flamboyant. One time she asked me if one of my cousins is gay. I'm not one who tells on a sister. So I just returned with a question, probing why she thought so. She told me that her sister (my cousin's mother) suspects that her son is gay. I don't know, I answered her. Siguro malambot lang talaga siya , I added. And I guess she believes  me. An...

Last weekend, one of the topic of conversation among former classmates was the news of one of our batchmates coming out. Questions like, "How did he come out?" "Who did he come out to?" "Who's his boyfriend?", emerged. I shouldn't have been that excited with the news because since I've met him, I already knew we're playing on the same side, and the recent turnout was just confirmation of my ever so reliable gaydar. In our excitement, we tried to answer one of our questions, who is his current boyfriend. And to do so, we decided to visit his Facebook timeline. We remember seeing a coded status he posted months ago that seem to be saying something but very subtly. As we browse through his status, one commenter caught our attention. His comments were to bland or straightforward, lacking any emotion which seemed to be odd since all other comments were humorous. By instinct, I opened that guy's profile in a new tab and browsed through his t...

There are three JOHNS. 1) The REAL JOHN; known only to his Maker. 2) JOHN'S ideal JOHN; never the real one, and often very unlike him. 3) THOMAS' ideal JOHN; never the real John, nor John's John, but often very unlike either.  - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Autocrat of the Breakfast-table Throughout the course of our life, we try to discover who we really are. Because it is knowing who we are that we may know the things that could satisfy our every needs. But who among us can, without even an ounce of doubt, say that he truly knows his own self? In this very social world where one of our aims as residents of this world is to exist in harmony, we tend to create different personas to handle different characteristics and personalities we encounter in a daily basis. This reflex, sometimes voluntary action, is rooted in our ability to adapt to certain situations, especially if our survival is at stake. However, in doing so, we create different layers that unconsciously hi...

Do you know the Friendship feature of Facebook? The friendship page is like your usual profile page, in timeline format with cover photo. The difference is that it only shows the posts and photos and other mutual connections you and your friend has. For example, I go to my friendship page with friend A. I would expect to see our mutual friends, mutual likes, timeline conversation, and photos that we are both tagged in. It's an old service actually, but it's only now that I discovered it's full potential. It's one great stalking tool. I know, boredom made me do it. I initially thought that the service works just for you and your friend, hence its link 'See Friendship.' I then discovered that you can write virtually anyone in the box and see if they have mutual friends. Here's the thing. I've been stalking this guy, a classmate, which I have a strange vibe with. Everytime I'm with him, my gaydar goes wild - like butterflies in my tummy. A ...

Whenever I have this feeling, Citybuoy's literary piece comes to mind - Never Yours . (If you haven't had the time to read it, now is the best time to do so.) However, I'm no master storyteller. I can't whip up a great storyline from an emotion or experience. But I do feel. So I'll just write whatever it is that I feel. Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I can't feel jealous. He's never mine. I wanna be happy.. I AM happy for him. I would just like to think that it was just never meant to be. The truth is, I am not ready. I think I'm not. He's just better off without me. I would just like to think I'm no good for him. Maybe I'm good for someone else but not him. Rationalizing, I am. But that's life. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I did feel a little jealous. But why should I, he's never mine. Confused. Awkward. Insanely uncomf...

Whenever we feel tensed, our instinct is to relieve it. We don't want to hold on to it because we know that if we do so, what little tension we feel at the beginning will build up. And later on, once it becomes so big we won't be able to control or bear with it, and we will just explode. And what are these that cause tension? Most likely, it's stress from work or the anxiety from deadlines. There's also pressure from different aspects of our lives - family, friends, school, work, love life. These stressors keep our bodies contracted - our shoulders shrugged, wrist clenched, back tightened, toes curled. Not allowing our muscles to loosen up and relax results to poor performance. Like what I've said earlier, we immediately want to relieve the tension before it becomes problematic. What do we do? We relax. Have a break. Go on a vacation. Meet up with friends. Do just anything that puts our minds away from thinking about work. So that when we do return to our...

I really don't know how to handle gay banters like the ones straight people do. Minsan pakiramdam ko pag di ako sumagot, lalabas naman akong guilty or affected at pag sumagot naman ako, lalabas namang umaamin na ko. Ang weird lang. Di ko alam kung ano ang tamang timpla ng comedy na di naman ako mabubuking. Pasensya na, dito ko na lang kinikuwento, kasi feeling ko friends naman tayo lahat dito e. Where was I? Ah, banters. Like tonight. Casually, I asked a classmate to open a tight bottle for me. Wala naman talaga kong ibig sabihin doon eh. I was just asking him a favor to open the bottle for me because I honestly can't. Then, he jokingly remarked, "Si girlfriend talaga oh." In my mind, I was like, 'what?! where did that come from.' Shux. For a moment, I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. (Pero syempre may kasama ng kilig yun. Si crush kasi yun e.) Ayus lang sana kung kami lang e, pede pa ko maglambing ng konti kaso ang masama  doon ay narining ...