Bits of Wisdom

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In my earlier post, I have written moments in 2013 that one way or another made an impact in my life. Those moments shaped me and molded my thoughts in what I am and have today. Now, I want to list down some bits of learnings I have picked up and realized throughout the year. Since life on the other side (meaning, outside Mamon) has been all the same, these notes were derived and lifted from events with and of people from twitterlandia and the blogosphere.

1. There's no harm in hoping and seeing the good in people but you just have to prepare yourself for anything that might come; people aren't perfect. Disappointments and frustrations may occur.

2. Poison in friendship (read: lasunan) should and must be avoided at all cost. [unless, there's a clear agreement of terms and expectations.]

3. Being sweet in DM, PM & texts does not translate sweetness or even liking in real life. Even if something happens between the both of you, live or online, that still doesn't mean anything.

4. As easy as it is to follow and "friend" a person online, blocking is just the same. Discard unnecessary entities in your life.

5. There's still hope in finding true friends online. They are precious and rare as diamonds. Once you found them, you'll gain treasures of laughter and moments with them.

6. Gay by association. Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you they're gay and so are you. Birds of the same feather love birds [and sausages] too.

7. People who seek attention will create conflict with everyone. Don't give them the fame they yearn; just ignore them.





A prosperous new year to all of us! :D
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Sa tapos ng taon

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Ang bawat taon ay nag-iiwan sa atin ng mga alaala at mga aral na bago lang or marahil ay nalimutan na natin sa pagdaan ng panahon. Ang patapos na taon ay hindi naiiba. Bawat araw ay isang pagsubok ng ating pagkatao at paniniwala.


Pamamaalam

Hindi naging maganda ang bungad ng taon na ito sa akin dahil sa pamamaalam ng isang taong naging bahagi na ng aming pamilya. Nang sumakabilang-buhay ang aking amain nagbago ang lahat sa amin. Kinailangan kong maging matatag para sa aking ina para magabayan at suportahan siya habang siya ay nagdadalamhati. Hindi madali para sa isang anak na makita niyang nalulungkot ang taong inaasahan niyang magiging malakas para sa kanya. Pero sa awa ng Diyos at sa tulong na rin ng malalapit na kaibigan, unti-unti kaming nakabangon at nagpapatuloy ng aming buhay.


Propesyon

Noong nakaraang taon ay hindi ko masyadong nagamit ang propesyon ko dahil pinagtuunan ko ng pansin ang aking pag-aaral. Ngunit dahil na rin sa mga pangyayari sa pasok ng taon at sa pangungulit ng aking agency napilitan akong mamasukan ulit. Nakakatuwa dahil maliban sa aking trabaho sa ospital, nagkakaroon din ako ng paminsan-minsang raket kung saan nakakapunta ako sa iba't ibang lugar kung saan ako kailanganin - naging assessor, lecturer, on-call, at event medical personnel. Ang masarap pa sa mga out of town trips, libre na nga transpo at lodge, may kita ka pa.  


Kaalaman

Pinagpatuloy ko ang aking pag-aaral. Ngayon ay nasa kalagitnaan na ako ng paggawa ng aking thesis. At sa susunod na taon ay inaasahan ko na ang aking pag-graduate at pagmartsa sa entablado. Ang isa pa sa nagpasaya sa akin ngayong taon bilang isang mag-aaral ay ang paggiging US ko. Hindi man ako naging dean's list noon, naging US naman ako kahit sa isang semester lang. :)

Akyat

Buti naman at nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong makaakyat sa tatlong bundok ngayong taon. Isa ay sa bundok na hindi ko pa napupuntahan noon. Ni-request ko talaga ito sa aming grupo na akyatin. At yung isa ay kasama ang mga tao sa twitter na sina Kiko at GK. Naging masaya ang akyat kasama ang mga tweeps kaya napag-isipan kong magandang gawin iyon ng mas madalas.


Usapang Puso

Marami na rin akong nakilala at naka-date ngayong taon ngunit marahil hindi pa ito ang tamang oras para doon. Dama ko naman - mula sa ilan -  na totoo ang nararamdaman nila para sa akin. Ngunit marahil ako mismo ang lumayo dahil natakot akong hindi masuklian ang ganoong pagtingin nila sa akin. Ngayon taon ko rin naranasan ang sa pagkabigo. Nakakatuwa lang mapagtanto at maranasan kung gaano talaga kabilog ang mundo. Naniniwala naman akong nariyan lang yung taong nababagay para sa isang tulad ko.


Lipad at Gala

Maliban sa mga akyat, nakapaglamyerda rin ako ngayon taon. Nakarating ako ng Malaysia sa simula ng taon kasama ng isa sa mga pinakamatalik kong kaibigan. Bago matapos ang taon, nakapaglibot din ako ng Baguio (na hindi ko naman nagawa noong umakyat kami ng bundok sa Benguet) kasama ng ilang blogero.


Safe

Ngayon taon ko rin unang naranasang magpa-test. Hinarap ko ang takot ng pagpapatest sa tulong na rin ng mga taong nakilala ko sa twitter na sinamahan ako sa proseso. Dahil na rin pamilyar na ko sa The LoveYourself mas naging komportable ako. 


Pangarap

Ngayon din nagsimula ang pagtutupad ng aking pangarap na makapagtrabaho sa ibang bansa. Halos kalahati ng taon ang ginugol ko sa pag-aayos ng mga kailangan at paggawa ng mga nararapat upang matugunan ang mga kagustuhan ng agency ko. Tanging ipinagdadasal ko na lang ay sana maganda ang pasok ng taon para sa akin. Lahat naman ng ginagawa ko ay hindi lang para sa akin, higit ito para sa aking pamilya.


Online hanggang Offline

Noong nakaraang taon nagsimula ang pagpapakilala ko sa piling mga tao sa twitter at blog. Naging masaya naman ang karanasan kong ito kaya naman pinagpatuloy ko ang pagkita sa ilang mga taong nais rin ako makilala. Dito ko nakasama at nakilala ang ilan sa pinakamalalapit at totoo kong kaibigan. At dahil sa kanila kaya hindi pa rin ako nawawalan ng gana sa nasabing sites.


Napakarami pang bagay na nangyari sa taong ito na kaya pang daigin ang mga eksena sa sine o sa tv - mula rated G hanggang SPG. Marami rin talagang pagkakataong susubukin ang pagkatao mo at paniniwala mo. Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat, nandoon pa rin ang pasasalamat sa mga itinuro ng ating karanasan upang tayo ay lumago bilang isang matibay at matatag na nilalang. At pinakamahalaga sa lahat, nandoon din ang paniniwala at pag-asang ang susunod na taon ay mas magiging matiwasay o kung hindi man, ay mas mapapadali dahil sa mga aral na ating natutunan.


Salamat 2013 at maligayang pagdating sa 2014 :)


PS: Oo nga pala, makalipas ang dalawang taon, 100 na followers ko! wuhoo! Magpapa-raffle ako! hahaha choz lang :)
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Misconceived Actions

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I remember my initial reaction - sincere happiness. I was happy for him, for having found that one special person he would love; someone he won't grow tired loving. And most especially, I was happy that he is happy.

But later on, I can't help but feel sad, sad that he is someone else's love; sad that it wasn't me. But mostly because I felt sorry for myself believing that we can be together, that there can be us.

This happened a long time ago. I had a crush on him the moment I saw his face. And I began to like him more as we get to spend more time with each other. He was good-looking, cool and very much masculine; traits that are a huge turn-on to me. I told myself that there is no way this guy would like someone like me. So I just settled to being his friend. That way, I can still be close to him.

But there came a time when things went further than friendship, well, at least that's what I thought it did. Something happened between us. I was hesitant at first but since it was what I wanted for so long and he seemed to wanted it too [at that time], who am I to resist, right?

It happened so fast. From that night on, we started to exchange sweet messages. I believed that there was something that could happen between us. We already had a pet name to call each other. I was so into him. And I think I told him that I liked him  even before I have met him. We looked forward to another chance to spending the night together.

But I was such a fool for playing it cool. I knew he was seeing other people. Still, I tried to block the emotions out and didn't let it bother me. It was my mistake for playing the supportive friend.

One night, I was just surprised to discovered that he's already taken and that it was very much serious.

I was just dumbfounded. I didn't know how to react. We were not a couple in the first place, so why should I be jealous? Why should I be angry? But I was just in so deep that it was hard not to feel broken.

And what's more heartbreaking was that his partner was someone who I had a thing with as well. (What happened to me and his partner was not the same as what happened to us. It was mostly rousing online videos and chats.)

****

So what's the point of this entry? Please don't get me wrong. I'm not being bitter.

I just what to remind myself of that time when I felt my heart break. It's just sad. It was an awful feeling. Maybe you'll wonder why I felt that way where in the first place, there was no commitment from any of us; no exclusivity; no agreement. But you have to understand. It was my emotion that I invested. Therefore, it is valid for me.

And more than feeling sad, I felt sorry for myself. Sorry for allowing myself to feel that way. Sorry for letting someone come in too close. Sorry for being so vulnerable.

It wasn't their fault, obviously not. It was all on me. I was the idiot one hoping and believing for something so far-fetched. Both of them stable, both good-looking. They're perfect for each other.

As for me, I learned a lot from this experience. No matter how hard you try to guard your heart, there will come a person who'll let all those chains loose. And when that moment comes, you'll be vulnerable You won't even notice you're already baring your soul. It would be a nice ride. You'll feel blissful, heavenly, even. However when the heartache comes, it will take you by surprise. You'll think less of yourself, feel sorry for yourself, and eventually question if you're still worthy of any love. You'll cry alone. You'll even cry in front of your friends. You'll laugh at your silliness, crying over a guy, in front of your friend, in a public place. But what's important is that you don't let go of yourself as you go through this tough times. Life goes on. There is nothing you can do about it and obviously nothing you can do about them. After you cry your heart out, block out everything that brings back those sad memories. Don't think it's sour graping. It's called moving forward. Remember that moving on is a choice. It is your choice who you want to keep in your life and who you discard. You write your own story. You decide it's ending. And dear, you'll know it's just about time to write a new chapter.


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All I Want for Christmas 2013

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I never really make a Christmas wishlist because I seldom get what I wish for. Plus, gift-giving is not really something that we do in the family. I always end up buying them for myself. But since I was tagged and this would be a nice reference to what I want to have, maybe not this Christmas, I'll just go along. :)

Tagged by Victor.  The rules are: 
1. Make a post entitled “All I Want For Christmas 2013” and use the photo above.
2. List 6 things that you want to receive as a gift.
3. Tag 3 friends who will make the same post (no tag backs).
4. Send me the link so I could check it too (optional).

image from here

1. Navi Planner. Alright not to be a copycat. But this is really what I want most for next year. I began to love the Navi Planner ever since I won one from a blog contest last 2011. So I used it ever since. It's a great way to keep tabs on special dates and plans for the month or the year. And also, I use it as a diary of sorts of what happened to me each day. I'm very much forgetful that's why this comes very handy to me. And as a bonus, it comes with loads of coupons to avail of discounts from their partner establishments


Image from here
2. Backpack. I need a sturdy backpack since I usually carry along with me my laptop and books for review. Maybe a Northface, or High Sierra or a Columbia bag will do. And I can use it as a dayhike backback too. As per design, I love the colorful ones.

3. Gym Membership. At any of those gyms with a lot of branches. More than increasing marketability, I want to get back in shape for my health.


image from here
4. Color Pants. I have pairs of red and violet pants, and I seem to like the change in my look. It's not the usual blue or black jeans. Having colored pants seems to give one a more lively vibe.


image from here
image from here
5. Shoes. Something to match the new pair of pants. I've always wanted those loafers, maybe some boat shoes or even sneakers - just something to spice up the wardrobe.


image from here
6. Reviewers. Since my exam is fast approaching, I would want the handy reviewers / flashcards that I could carry around with me. So that anytime I want to study or refresh my memory, I can just take it out and review.


As you can see, all that I wish are for personal and career growth. I think it's time to give myself more attention and not be distracted by irrational feelings of infatuation and, uhm, love. Here's to the best me this 2014 :)


I'd like to see your list:


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Not that it matters now

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I remember there were 7 or 8 of us boys in that room. It was an out-of-town trip organized by a school organization. The room had four double-decks; each of us having our own bed. On our last night of the week-long activities, we decided to join two of the double-decks and just sleep close to each other. Four on the upper beds and four of us on the beds below.

Before we all went to sleep, we decided to have some drinks and just talk about each other's lives. Here was when the fun began. We learned a lot more about each other than before. And that made us much more comfortable with each other.

The guy on my right was the first one to sleep. He seemed very tired from the day's activities. Then we all followed suit. In the middle of the night, I was awaken by some motion from the guy from my left side. My initial reaction was that he maybe masturbating. That got me curious and wide awake. As I observe in silence and closed eyes, that guy still shook his body and moved his legs as if he was squirming. But then I noticed that his right hand was on my left hand. We were holding each other's hands. So how the heck can he shake (or masturbate)?! He must have been using his left hand, right? But I know how a body shakes when one masturbates. Then, someone must be giving him a hand. Oh, it was guy from the far left, the other guy beside him! (I kinda caught a glimpse of it from my peripheral view)

Things did really begin to be interesting. The guy from the far left was masturbating the guy on my left. Of course, I wanted join in the fun. I turned to my left to face them and try to catch them in action. But the movement stopped. Guy on my left went to the loo. When he came back to bed, he laid on his belly.

Not to be stopped, I began to run my hands over his body and hugged him. I was hoping that the guy from the far left would join; but he just remained still. So my hand began to linger towards left guy's crotch. I didn't feel any objection, therefore, I just continued.

Left guy turned to his back and just laid there, allowing me full access to his groin. Without hesitation I began to masturbate him. I pumped his dick for quite some time. I kept on pausing because my arm began to cramp. When I can't pump no more, I just let him do it on his own. I just kept my hands circling on his body to arouse him. When he came, I did my signature move and squeezed his dick until all cum has come out. I guess it got a little out of hand that left guy became noisy and unruly in bed. That lead to the guy to speak up and say that we should keep it down coz we were quite noisy. Oh shit! Was he awake the whole time? Was he watching us since we started? Why didn't he join since it was him who first touched the guy in my left?

When morning came, the guy from the far left didn't speak to us. He was the only one that seemed to be different. When I tried to talk to him and apologize, he just shrugged it off. What I didn't understand was how come it was such a big deal to him, when it was him who initiated it with our buddy? Was he frustrated that I got to finish what he started? Was he frustrated that I didn't get to do to him what I did to our bunkmate? I really don't know. At that time, I can't seem to grasp the idea of him being so mad at us. Since then on, we didn't speak to each other until we graduate and went our separate ways. I haven't heard from him since. And I guess I won't ever hear his explanation. Not that it matters now.

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A poem

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Noon ay may isang bata
Kargada'y kurba't mataba
Ayaw niya noon ng pasukan
Hilig lang niya'y halika't subuan

Ngunit nang toro ay nasubukan
Ito ri'y parang nagustuhan
Nasubukan niyang pumasok
pati mapasok siya ring nasubok

Mapasukan unang naranasan
kakaiba man ngunit nasarapan
Nang siya nama'y inupuan
sa giling at indayog, agad siyang nilabasan

Ngunit dahil nga kargada'y mataba
Marami ang nalulula
Sa pagsubo sila'y umiiwas
At mapasukan, sila ay pass

Kaya ngayon ano ang gagawin ng bata
kung ganyang walang nais sumubo at magpatira
hahanap na lang ba siya ng power B
o kaya'y balik na lang siya sa matamis na kiliti.



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Players

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Minsan pakiramdam mong sobrang pamilyar mo na sa laro na tingin mo ay di ka na maiisahan o malalamangan. Pakiramdam mo na kahit bali-baliktarin man ang laro ay kaya mo itong ipanalo. Sabi mo sa sarili mo, dahili marami ka ng napagdaanan, wala ng makakapagpaikot sa'yo. Bagkos, ikaw pa ang magpapaikot sa kanila. Wala silang magagawa kapag ikaw na ang naglabas ng baraha.

Ngunit darating ang araw kung saan makakakilala ka ng tao na mas magaling at mas bihasa kaysa sa iyo. Mas magaling siyang dumiskarte at mas marami siyang alas. At pag sinumulan na niya ang paglabas ng kanyang baraha ay wala ka ng magagawa. Ang pagkatalo mo ay sigurado na. Uuwi ka na lang luhaan at nasasaktan. At ang tanging baon mo sa iyong pag-uwi ay ang aral na kahit anong galing mo makipaglaro, makakilala ka rin ng katapat mo o higit pa ang husay sa iyo. Kaya kahit bihasa ka man, dapat handa ka rin matalo, masaktan, at umiyak.


*****


Laro tayo! -
Sige! -
Ang laro ay Sweet-sweet-tan! Ang unang mag-fall sa isa, talo. Game? -
Game! Ay mukhang talo na agad ako -
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About blogging and tweeting

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Napag-isip-isip ko lang noong isang araw na ang laki rin pala ng naitulong ng pag-blog at tweet sa buhay ko. Totoo.

Noon, tulad ng nasabi ko na sa  Why I blog post ko, nagsimula ako mag-blog just to let out steam and share some personal and intimate stories. Sinimulan ko siya out of sheer boredom dahil nasa kabilang bahagi ako ng mundo, malayo sa aking mga kaibigan. Di nagtagal naging hobby na rin siya na mahirap alisin.

Lalo pa akong nahumaling sa pag-blog nang nagsimula na ang pagdating ng followers na sinundan ng comments. Di ko naman naisip noon na magkaroon ng tagasubaybay dahil gusto ko lang naman talaga magsulat. Pero aminin ninyo, ang sarap lang magbukas ng blog tapos makikita mong tumataas yung stats mo lalo na kung may nag-iwan ng comment kahit "nice post" lang yung sinabi niya. Nakaka-good vibes lang kahit papaano.

Nang nakisali na rin ako sa pagtalon ng ibang bloggers sa twitter lalo naman akong natuwa. Kasi kita mo na agad in real time kung ano nangyayari sa buhay nila. Una kong finollow yung mga bloggers na sinusundan ko. Sabi ko limit ko muna doon. At tulad sa blog, di ko rin naman inaasahang mag-follow back sila. Pero natuwa naman ako if they did. Lalo pa noong nagsimula na kaming makapag-exchange ng tweets. Feeling fanboy lang. Syempre sa simula, careful lang ako kasi baka isipin nila napaka feeler ko naman - feeling close. hehe

Naku, humahaba na pala yung post. Ngayon, bakit ko nga ba nasabi na malaki rin ang naitulong ng pag-blog at tweet sa buhay ko. Di naman actually sa buhay, pero sa sarili ko.

Dahil kasi sa blogging at tweeting, I met a lot of interesting people like me. Naisip ko yun when I was out with some friends from twitter. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, di ko sila makikilala under normal circumstances. Salamat na lang sa blog at twitter, nakilala ko sila. Karamihan sa nakilala ko ay nasa BPO industry, maraming young professionals, entrepreneurs, mga executives, politicians, artista, musician, at porn stars. char lang sa last 5. hehe Pero seriously, salamat sa blog at twitter, masasabi kong naging tunay kong kaibigan ang karamahian sa kanila.

At dahil na rin nga marami akong nakilalang tulad ko, mas nakilala ko rin ang sarili ko. Sabi nga nila, tulad ng isang bahaghari, ang mga tulad natin ay mayroon din iba't ibang kulay. Merong nasa side ng pink, yellow orange. Yung iba asa blue, green, violet. Ngunit kahit na saan man silang kulay ng bahaghari, dala naman nila ang sarili nila. Lahat sila ay kaya dalhin kung sino at kung ano sila. Iyon ang isa sa mga natutunan ko sa kanila. Kung ano ka, panindigan mo. Huwag mong hayaang ibang tao ang magdikta kung paano mo patakbuhin ang buhay mo.

At huli, sa pagkilala sa iba't ibang tao, mas nakilala ko o mas napagtanto ko kung anong mga katangian ang hinahanap ko sa isang special someone. Hindi naman sa nagkakaroon ako ng checklist o requirements sa jowa, nagkakaroon lang ako ng idea kung anong klaseng personalities ang tutugma o magko-compliment sa ugali ko. Mahirap naman yung mag-clash kayo ng personalities di ba. Swak nga sa sex pero pag date na, sablay na kayo. You can't even carry a sensible conversation. Eh yun pa naman ang importante pag tumanda kayo ah di na keri magjugjugan. Lagi kong iniisip na that special someone in your life should bring out the best in you. Kung mas madalas na umiinit ang ulo mo pag magkasama kayo, malamang sa malamang, di kayo tugma sa isa't isa. Kaya nga sabi nila, when you're out meeting people, you're not looking for a perfect guy but someone who is perfect for you. O divah.

Alam kong marami pa kong dapat ipagpasalamat sa blogging at tweeting, sa mga kaibigan kong bloggers at tweeps. Pero yung lang muna ang nasa isip ko. Pag naisip ko na yung iba, next post na lang. 

O siya. Good morning!


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That Feeling I Hate

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I swore that I won't ever feel this feeling again. I guess I had it coming. Investing feelings in a friendship that I don't know if it's mutual.

--

I recently met with a friend. We had a very nice chat after an event and we caught up with the lives of the people we both know.

Then we went on with his recent conversation of a friend from a far off place. This friend of ours was, shall we say, elusive and mysterious. According to him, our friend was involved in an unfortunate incident which is why he was out of the radar for the past months. He continued by saying that our friend was still recovering from his injuries -and her's the kicker - here in the country, which kinda stunned me. All the while, I thought our dear friend went abroad. Well that's what he made me believe. The more my friend continued with his story, the more I felt betrayed.

There I was being concerned with that friend, asking him how he was or how he's doing just to find out that he's not fully truthful to me. Of all the things I dislike most, making me feel like a fool was the worst. And yes, at that point I felt like a fool. I was a fool for believing that he considered me as his good friend.

It's just very disappointing. And I hate myself for feeling that.. again.

In my youth I used to be that guy who was always concerned with my friends. I wanted to know how they're doing and what's going on with them. I made sure that I was always updated with their lives. I wasn't nagging them, it just became natural that when I ask my friends, they answer me truthfully. I learned the hard way that not all people are like that. I learned that it was much more painful knowing about things from other people rather than hearing them from those who you treat as friends. It's just sad.

As I got older, I tried to find out little about people. I shy away from investing a lot of emotions because I know I get hurt easily. But sometimes, I still slip. I still give myself out wholly to people only to find out that they don't think of me the same way I think of them, a true friend.

And just what I told another person who made me feel that way. Circumstances like this are just sad. But I understand. It just hurts but I got to suck it up and just move on. Eventually I can teach my heart to always guard itself.
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When it's over

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Sabi nila, kapag gumawa ka daw ng isang bagay, alam mo na dapat kung paano ito tatapusin.

Noong mga nakaraang araw napaisip ako.. paano nga ba magwawakas ang blog na ito?

Choices:

  • Di ko na lang kaya gawan ng posts...hayan ko na lang amagin ang blog ito...
  • delete ko na lang lahat ng mga sinulat ko..
  • Patayin ko na lang [kunyari] si Mamon...pero nagawa na yan e
  • Gumawa na lang kaya ako ng tell-all entry tungkol sa mga nangyari at sa mga taong 'nayari' ko dahil sa blog [at twitter] na ito... no-holds-barred, name-dropping, with details pa... *smirk*
Marami na rin akong naisulat dito. Karamihan ay mahahalay yung iba madrama at yung iba naman ay wala lang. Ito ay ilan lamang sa mga bumubuo ng bahagi ng buhay ko na tago sa ibang tao na kilala ko.

Bakit ko nga ba naisip na isarado na ang blog na ito. Marahil dala na rin ng mga nangyari sa buhay ko sa mga nakaraang araw na masasabi kong overwhelming. Andyan ang buhay pamilya, karera, at pag-aaral na kailangan kong pagtuunan ng pansin. Not to mention the emotional stress these aspects of my life bring.

Pakiramdam ko kasi nahati ang buhay ko bilang Mamon at ang totoo kong sarili. I guess I thought that it's just about time to reconcile my persona and just live one whole life from now on.

Noon kasi kinailangan ko ng lugar kung saan mailalabas lahat ng suliranin ko patungkol sa buhay 'tago.' Palagay ko kasi nakulangan ako noong panahon na iyon ng support system. Laking pasasalamat ko naman sa blogging - pati na rin sa twitter - na nakakilala ako ng mga taong pupuno sa kakulangan na iyo.

Naisip ko rin na naibahagi ko na naman ang mga nais kong ibahagi para sa mga bagong henerasyon ng tulad ko. Na tila naging bukas na libro ang buhay ko para sa lahat ng nais magbasa. Kaya sa palagay ko ay oras na upang isarado muli ang libro at gumawa ng panibagong kabanata sa buhay ko.

Kaya ngayon, nagpapasalamat ako sa mga taong sumubaybay at nagtiyagang basahin itong bahagi ng buhay ko. Nagpapasalamat rin ako sa mga taong tumawid ang pagkakakilalan sa akin mula sa virtual papunta sa reality. Nagpapasalamat ako sa mga bloggers na naging inspirasyon ko na rin dahil sa kanilang magagandang kwento at sulat.

Hindi ko naman masasabing tuluyan nang magsasarado ang bakery ni Mamon. Siguro'y magpapahinga muna ko.

Kaya sa ngayon, ako'y pansamantalang magpapaalam. Sa muling pagkikita.



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just a thought

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Conversation with a friend...

Ayaw ko na nga ng fubu. gusto ko na ng relasyon. haays. haha drama

E ang taas kaya ng standards mo.. pano kaya yun??? hahaha

Ewan ko. basta. anjan ka pa naman e. kaw na yung malapit sa pagiging bf sa buhay ko hahaha


*Thought*

Mas mahirap kayang maghanap ng karelasyon kung kuntento at masaya ka na sa nakukuha mong atensyon at pagtingin sa mga kaibigan mo? Kasi inisip ko, sa ayaw mo man o hindi, maikukumpara mo ang relasyon mo sa malapit mong kaibigan sa taong tipo mo. Ewan ko. Naisip ko lang.
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Sa Taon at Pagtanda

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Kamakailan lang ay nadagdagan na naman ang bilang ng aking gulang. Hindi na mapagkakaila na tumatanda na talaga ako sa bente-syete.

Masaya ko namang ipinagdiwang ang araw na ito sa pamamagitan ng pagsalubong sa aking kaarawan kasama ng malalapit na kaibigan. Tunay ngang naging masaya ang pagsalubong namin - kain sa buffet at inom ng mga banyagang alak na noon ko lang nakita. Simple ngunit may kurot pa rin. Ngunit sa aking pagsalubong, hindi ko naiwasang malungkot nang bahagya.

Naisip ko, sa gulang kong ito, ano na ba ang narating ko? Nadadagdagan ako ng taon ngunit hindi naman nadagdagan ang mga nagagawa ko sa buhay. Parang ganoon pa rin, walang pagbabago.

Nabulalas ko ito nang sandali sa aking kasama sa hotel room nang kinamusta niya ko. Ngunit sa alaalang iyon ang aking kaarawan, pinapaliban ko muna ang isipang iyon. Kailangan masaya ako, bulong ko sa sarili.

Sinaglitan kong binisita ang facebook. Nagulat ako sa aking nakita; ang mga kamag-aral ko noong kolehiyo ay ganap ng mga doktor sa pagpasa nila ng board exams. Dama ko ang tuwa nila sa bawat status ng pasasalamat. Lubos akong nagalak para sa tagumpay ng aking mga kaibigan. Ngunit dinalaw na naman ako ng panghihinayang.

Kung sana ay pinagpatuloy ko ang pag-aaral ko sa pagdo-doktor ay marahil kasama na rin nila ako ngayong nagbubunyi. Wala pa kasing doktor sa pamilya kaya magiging isang kakaibang tagumpay iyon kung sakali.

Pero araw ko nga iyon, 'ka ko. Araw ko iyon upang ipagdiwang ang taon na nakalipas. Bagaman may ganoon man akong naramdaman kailangan kong maisip na mas marami pa rin ang dapat ipagpasalamat at ipagdiwang - ang aking buhay, kalusugan, pati na sa aking pamilya, kamag-anak at kaibigan, ang aking edukasyon, at ang aking pag-iisip at kalagayan.

Ika nga ng aking kasama, may takdang oras para sa lahat ng bagay. Marahil hindi pa ngayon ang oras na iyon. Ngunit wala namang hindi nadadaan sa pagsisikap at pananampalataya.

Para sa kasiyahan, kalusugan at sa hinaharap! Para sa buhay! Cheers!

 Sige sa mantsa!!!


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Bakit wala ka pang girlfriend?

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Yan ang kadalasang tanong sa akin ng mga taong nakakasalamuha ko. Minsan wala lang para sa akin. Minsan kinakabahan ako dahil baka naghihinala na sila sa aking pagkatao. Minsan nama'y naiinis na ko sa pagtatanong nila nang paulit-ulit para bang nanghihimasok na sa buhay ko.

Siyempre ang mga nagtatanong nito sa akin ay iyong mga taong iniisip pa rin nila ay straight ako - mga kamag-anak, mga kaibigang lalaki at babaeng, mga katrabaho, at mga kakilala sa simbahan. Sa dalas na natatanong yan sa akin, hindi ko na pinag-iisapan sila ng masama kung bakit biglang natanong nila 'yon. Kaya sa lahat ng nagtatanong sa akin, isa na lang ang sagot ko.

"Career muna bago girlfriend."

Straight man o hindi, valid naman din para sa akin iyong dahilan ko. Bakit? Una, ayaw ko munang pumasok sa isang relasyon nang hindi ako panatag kung pera ang pag-uusapan. Ayaw ko yung sa tuwing lalabas kayo, iisipin mo kung saan makakatipid o kung ano ang pedeng gawin sa limitadong budget. Nakakahiya para sa akin. Nangyari na kasi yan. Dating-phase pero di ako makapag-aya dahil wala akong panggastos. Pag siya naman nag-aaya, tumatanggi ako. Kaya di ko muna pinagpatuloy.

Pangalawa, sa karera pa rin, ito ang sinasabi ko sa aking mga kamag-anak. Ayaw ko kasi nang may maiiwan ako. Bakit? Dakila man ang propesyon ko dahil tao at buhay ang aming binabalik sa dati nilang kalagayan, hindi ito masyadong napapahalagahan dito sa ating bayan. Ang natatanging paraan upang ang buhay naman namin ay guminhawa kahit papaano ay mangibang bansa. Kaya wala ring saysay magkaroon ng girlfriend at iiwan ko rin sa huli.

Pangatlo, bakit wala akong girlfriend. Wala namang kinalaman sa career o pera, takot lang kasi ako sa commitment. Bakit? Dahil sa mga relasyon sa paligid ko - ang mga magulang ko ay naghiwalay noong bata pa ako at ang kapatid kong babae ay isang crazy girlfriend. Kaya siguro ayaw ko lang maranasan yung naranasan nila. Sabi nga ng mga katrabaho ko, baka kailangan ko raw magpatingin sa psychologist para maayos ang issues ko. Siguro isa rin yan sa dahilan (hindi naman sa sinisisi ko sila) kung  bakit naging ganito ako ngayon.

Panghuli, nais ko munang makamit ang tunay na kalayaan - kalayaan sa pagpasya, kalayaan sa utang, at kalayaan sa tirahan. Sa ngayon kasi ay nakaasa pa rin ako sa pamilya para sa mga kailangan ko sa aking pang-araw-araw na gastusin at gawain. (May trabaho ako ngunit boluntaryo lang iyon, at pinagpapatuloy ko ang pag-aaral ko.) Sa totoo lang, hindi iyon nakakatulong sa self-esteem ng isang tao lalo na ng isang lalaki. Gusto natin tayo ang nasusunod, ang gumagawa ng desisyon. Kaya't hanggang andito pa rin ako sa puder ng aking pamilya, kailangan ko munang magtimpi at magpasensya.

Ngunit, para sa inyong nagbabasa, marahil ang tanong ninyo ngayon, "kung makamit mo na lahat yan, hahanap ka na ba ng girlfriend?"

Para sa akin, mahirap magsalita ng tapos. Marami pa akong mas kailangang pagtuunan ng pansin kaysa magpasya agad kung ano ba talaga ang makakasama ko sa buhay. I'll just cross the bridge when I get there. Sa ngayon, kinikilala ko pa ang aking sarili. Kada araw naman na lumipas ay isang araw upang makilala natin ang ating sarili. Kaya umaasa naman akong darating din ang panahon na masasagot ko rin yan nang diretso at walang alinlangan. Sabi ko nga sa isang nakaraang entry, ako lang ay isang taong nagmamahal - ngayon siguro ang pagmamahal na iyon ay naitutuon ko lang sa lalaki.


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Quotes

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I tried to declutter the room since I didn't do anything productive today. On the shelf, I found a piece of paper with something written at the back. It looked like some quotes my sister copied from her phone and wrote it down. Since the quotes were something you can advice others with, I was inspired to put it into graphics. Here are two of my favorites.




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Sunday Daydream

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Sister went home this afternoon accompanied by a male coworker (MC). MC is tall, seemed fit and good-looking.

I was inside the kitchen preparing lunch. When I peeked into the living room, I saw MC playing with the nephew. He seemed to be enjoying being with the kid and my nephew seemed be having fun as well. It was a good sight to see. Then, cue day dream...

I see me and my partner (and maybe child) going home every Sundays to have lunch with my mother. My sister along with her husband and my nephew arriving with their own prepped food. We'll all be sitting around one big table having a great time with each other - our partners getting some beers, our children playing, and us having a meaningful conversation. It will be like in a scene from Brothers and Sisters or 7th Heaven.

I know that dream would be impossible to happen. But I'm still optimistic.
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Isang Saglit

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Reconciliation... what?!

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"You did break up. But you guys are back together now. I won't dwell on what happened or ask why or who did what. I'm just curious. What was it that you felt or heard from someone, or saw that made you realize that getting back together was the best thing to do?"

I forgot to ask that to my friend who after breaking up with his boyfriend is now back in each others arms. They seemed to be sincerely happy in their relationship. So i guess there's truth in the saying "love is sweeter the second time around."

But there's another school of thought in break-ups. And this is something I generally believe in. They say that you should never get back with your ex because there's a great chance that what caused your break-up is still there - may it be an attitude, a feeling, or an underlying issue, it's bound to be brought up eventually.

So now I wonder, if there's such a thing as reconciliation, what could be the circumstances that would let one consider doing so?

Tweeps say that it depends on the situation. Of course, if the couple had a bad break-up, who in their right mind would want to get back together with that. Who would want to have a lying, cheating, son of b*tch as their partner, right? One would just be dumb enough to take him back. And I personally believe that if he was able to cheat, lie, fuck up, it's more likely that he'll do it again. But what if the couple separated amicably - no quarrels, no bitterness, they just went on their separate ways - what could be some reasons that they might get back together?

Well, I could just think of a few. Maybe the couple had, as the song goes, the right love at the wrong time. They say timing is everything. Perhaps they are truly in love, however they have other plans that could not include the other one. But once the time is appropriate, maybe they could pick up where they left off.

Maybe, one of them is not wholly into the commitment as the other one. Some people enter in a relationship halfheartedly, not really evaluating his self if he is truly capable of loving someone with all their heart and soul. Some bring into the relationship their personal baggage which will later prove to be troublesome for the both of them. And one would eventually grow tired and give-up, and just let the other one handle his personal problems first. Maybe, once everything has been settled and that person has all the love to give, maybe they can give it another try.

Lastly, maybe there's a feeling of guilt that's why he opted to get back to together with his ex. Guilt is felt when one did something wrong, obviously. It can be the reason why one breaks up with his partner. It can also be the reason why one takes back an ex. The reason for the latter is sometimes people want to make right what they did wrong. They felt that it was a mistake to leave the other one, or maybe they're in a cycle of separation with different partners, doing the same thing over and over again, that's why they decided to just break that cycle. Personally, I don't prefer this way of reconciliation. It's just wrong to get back together just because of guilt. It's just unfair for the other one.

Again, I don't believe in reconciliation, that's coming from my experience. But other's might consider it - well, I might do to, nothing is final - if the circumstance is right. What's important is that the reason why these people choose to be with their exes should be fair for both parties and should not be because of some feelings - guilt, pity, shame, pressure - other than sincere, unconditional, true love.



*photo from here
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After the Storm

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Sometimes storms come into our lives. And most of the time, they come without warning. You'd think that everything is fine, that the day would turn out to be sunshiny. But all of a sudden, there are big dark clouds covering the skies. It creates an overcast over your once pleasant and content lives. Then the storm hits.

The storm brings heavy rains and stron winds. It destroys everything in its path. Nothing is spared. And since it came by surprise, nothing is saved.

What else can one do after a disaster but to move on. Our lives should not stop after such incidents. Dreams should still be made come true.

But moving on doesn't happen as fast as a storm can unleash its fury into our lives. Moving on takes time. We cannot tell someone to just move on and expect him to drop everything and go on with his life. We must acknowledge whatever he is feeling for feelings are always valid.

Someone who just experienced loss can feel whatever he wants to feel, say whatever he wants to say, and do whatever he wants to do. He is grieving. He is entitled to do that. He deserve that release. And we as onlookers can just let them do their thing to cope and grieve.

As onlookers, we should also not instigate ill-feelings and provoke them into feeling angry or bitter. We ourselves should also move on. We should be sources of strength and support in order for them not to dwell on the tragedy that befell in the lives.

Ultimately, all throughout our lives many storms would enter. Some may just stay for a while and some may linger for a longer period. But what we should remember is that storms do not stay forever. Storms come and go. People do too. Therefore, let's bear in mind that our feelings should be fleeting. It shouldn't hover over heads and let it control our lives. Our lives do not take a break with every loss. We should still persevere and try to achieve whatever plans we had before the storm.
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Crowd / What If

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Walking with the crowd. Crossing the street. I see a lot of cute guys. One by one, I looked at them. Young professionals. Students. Regular employees.

Then I wonder. From the hundreds of people I've met in my lifetime, how come I couldn't find Mr. Right For Me? Where is he?

The questions just kept on going. Did he already come? Was I just too busy that I didn't notice him? Was I ready when he came?

As we reached the other side of the street, the crowd slowly dispersed. Each going to their respective destinations. I was left walking still. Alone. Still with the questions in my mind. And playing what if's.

What if...
               I was already stable when they came into my life?

What if...
               I was ready to be in a relationship?

What if...
                I have the resources to go on dates?

What if...
                I was sure of myself to be faithful even in a long distance relationship?

What if...
                I met him before he met his boyfriend?

What if...
                I was better than his ex?


Then I realize, there's no use playing this game.


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Book of Secrets

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While watching the History channel this evening, I saw a preview of a show called America's Book of Secrets. As soon as I read and heard those words, I suddenly remembered something. I did once possess my very own Book of Secrets. Well, it was more like a Filler of Secrets but even so, it still contained all my secrets, dark secrets that I haven't told a single soul at that time. Before, I remember saying to a friend that I am the perfect person to share secrets to because I'm very forgetful. I would have forgotten a secret you have confided to me months after you've shared it. The forgetfulness prompted me to write all the secrets that I keep. Now looking back, having to write one's secrets in a thin, small book seemed to be a very bad idea. Now, I can't remember where I hid it. I can't even remember the things, all the promiscuity and curiousity, I wrote there. Should my relatives find my secrets I'm pretty sure all hell will break loose. 


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Thank You

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"Thank you..."
Parang iyon lang ang pinakaangkop na sabihin sa oras na iyon.
Wala ng iba pang maaring ibahagi kung hindi ang pasasalamat.
Sa kanilang pagsasama ay pawang kasiyahan lang ang nadama.


"Thank you..."

Sabay nilang nabanggit ang mga salitang iyon.
Isang maiksing katahimikan bago mabulalas.
Nagkatinginan, nagkangitian. Tugma ang damdamin,


"Thank you..."

Hindi man alam saan patutungo, o saan man makakarating.
Hindi man sigurado sa mga ginagawa at nararamdaman.
Ang pinakamahalaga marahil ay manatili ang pagsasamahan.

"Thank you..."



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Gin Pom at kung ano-ano pang ka-highschool-an

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Ewan ko. Sa aming magkakaibigan parang ako lang ata ang mas nag-enjoy sa highschool kesa sa college. Siguro dahil marami akong nagawa noong highschool, mas naging totoo ako noong highschool, mas active at mas sikat ako noong highschool, at higit sa lahat, sa highschool ko nakilala ang ilan sa pinakamalalapit at pinakapinapahalagahan kong kaibigan. Kaya eto ang ilan sa mga namiss ko noong highschool.


GINPOM
Hindi ako sigurado kung dahil uso yun noon or kung dahil yun lang ang alam namin inumin, pero sa  dalas naming nag-iinuman sa bahay ng tropa namin, di mawawala ang gin + any powedered drink.


MINDORO SLING
pic from tanduay
Maliban sa Gin+fruit drink ay nahumalingan din namin ang Mindoro sling. Di na namin kelangan pang dumayo ng mindoro para matikman ito. Dito lang malapit sa amin ay mayroon kaming naging tambayan kung saan naging paborito namin ito, kapares ng kropek o sizzling hotdogs. 


TAMBAY, YOSI, KAPE
Bago pa man mauso ang ban ng yosihan sa malls, naalala kong naging tambayan namin ang Shangri-la kung saan kami (well, yung mga tropa ko lang) nagyo-yosi. Madalas dun sa 5th floor, dun sa may dome na ceiling. Kung saan ito rin ang naging awrahan ng mga sholbomb noon, hanggang ngayon din ata.

Nagsimula na rin ang boom ng coffee shops noon. Kaya madalas, right after school, automatic yun na pag walang gagawin ay tambay kami sa Seattle's Best Coffee. As usual yosi and kwentuhan. Sa dalas namin doon, lalo na yung isa naming katropa (halos araw-araw andoon siya), ay naging kaibigan na rin namin ang mga barista. Minsan umaabot na rin kami hanggang closing.


SLEEPOVERS
Madalas ay sa bahay ng isa naming tropa lang kami nag-oovernight. Sobrang kilala na nga kami ng family niya e. Parang pag andun kami, nagtataka sila kung bakit wala kahit isa man sa amin. In short, at home na at home at kilala na kami doon. Kaya naman dun kami lagi ay una, malaki ang place. tapos accessible. tapos welcome kami lahat. tapos maraming pedeng gawin - swimming, videoke, inuman, takbuhan, kwentuhan, yosihan, at dramahan din. Marami rin kaming moments sa bawat sleepover namin doon.


KARAOKE
At ang pinaka gusto kong activity namin noon ay kantahan! Bago pa mauso ang Centerstage, Red box at Music 21, meron na noong Encore! Encore! videoke sa Megamall. At dun kami madalas tumambay at mag-merry making. As in super dalas yun. Kung walang gimik sa tugs-tugs (Blue Onion at Ipanema noon) dito kami nagpapakasaya. Biritan galore kami. At sa panghuli, di mawawala ang isang Spice Girls song na kadalasan ay Stop. hehe


Marami pa kong dahilan kung bakit mas nagustuhan ko ang highschool life kesa sa college. Pero eto na ang pinaka-pinaka. hehe

#memapost
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Taking the Risk

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"Given the chance to go back in time, would you try to change what you did or still do the same and take the risk?"

"Siguro, I'll still do the same. Naging masaya naman... Yeah, I'll do the same."

May gusto pa akong itanong sa kanya noong tanghaling iyon. Gusto kong itanong kung ang kasayahan na naranasan niya noon ay higit pa sa nararanasan niyang kalungkutan ngayon.

Ngunit pinigilan ko na ang sarili ko. Ang nangingilid na luha sa kanyang mga mata ang tila sumagot sa katanungan ko. Dama ko ang katotohanan sa kanyang mga salita. Ngunit dama ko rin ang kulungkutang di na niya kailangan sabihin.

Nang araw na iyun ay naging taenga at balikat ako sa isang taong nagmahal at nasaktan. Isang taong sinuko ang lahat para sa kanyang mahal. Nang walang kasiguraduhan. Ngunit nang wala ring alinlangan.

Bagamat ganoon man ang nangyari ay naging matatag pa rin siya sa pagharap sa buhay. Nagdurugo man ang puso at nalulungkot sa bawat gabing lumipas, pinipilit pa rin niyang maging masaya dala narin ng alaala ng bawat sandaling sila ay nagkasama. Kahit na ito ay sa maiksing panahon lamang.
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Cuddle [3]

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ang nakaraan...
[Cuddle]
[Cuddle 2]



sa pagpapatuloy....

Iba yung pagnanais kong ilapat ang aking mga labi sa kanyang mga labi. Nanginginig at nakakapanabik. Pero umatras ako. Nahiya. Ayaw kong lumabis sa naaayon sa aming pagkakaibigan. Kaya yumuko na lang ako at isiniksik ang mukha sa kanyang katawan.

Bitin, isip ko. Wala ng ibang pagkakataon pagkatapos nito. Kung di ngayon, baka pagsisihan kong pinalagpas ko ang pagkakataon. What's the worse thing that can happen? Baka iiwas lang niya ang mukha niya. Ayos lang, at least malinaw. O di kaya magkunyari siya bukas na di niya maalala. Pede naman din akong magpatay-malisya. Bahala na!

Nang nakapagpasya na ko, dahan-dahan kong inangat ang ulo ko. Tinignan siyang mabuti. Marahan kong nilapit ang aking mukha sa kanya. Dama ko ang panginginig ng labi ko sa kaba. At sa wakas naglapat na aming mga labi. Ilang segundo rin yun nga awkwardness. Parang first time lang. Nakatikom ang aming mga bibig ngunit magkadikit. Binawi ko ang aking mukha at pinagmasdan siya mabuti. Hayan, okay na ko. Nahalikan ko na siya, masaya kong isip. Kaya bumalik na ko sa pagkakasiksik ko sa kanya. Ngunit bago man ako tuluyang makayuko, siya naman ang sumalo sa mukha ko at hinalikan ako. Sa pagkakataong iyon, hindi na nakakailang. Matamis na at mariin. Masarap at mahinahon pero andun parin ang pananbik.

Buong gabi este madaling araw din namin ginawa yun. MOMOL lang ang peg. Halik. Ganti ng halik. Tawa. Ngiti. Yakap. Halik. Ganti ng halik. Tawa. Ngiti. Yakap. Ihi lang ang break. May school pa kami the next morning kaya nagpasya kaming matulog na ng bandang alas-tres. Ngunit bago matulog, parang natural na ang goodnight kiss sa lips. Sarap lang.

Pagkamulat ng mata ko, ang unang pumasok sa isip ko ay halikan siya. Para kasing naging natural na. Good morning, bungad ko sa kanya kasabay ng matamis na halik sa labi. Ligo na ko. Pero bago man bumangon ay yumakap muli ako ng mahigpit at humalik sa kanya. Dumagan pa ko, na tila unan ang tangan ko. Pinapangarap lang kita dati hehe, bulong ko sa kanya. Bilisan mo na nga jan at baka mahuli ka na sa klase mo, sagot niya. Dali-dali naman akong pumunta sa banyo at naligo.

Makaraan ng ilang araw matapos ng insidente namin ay nakapag-usap muli kami. Parang wala rin namang nagbago sa amin at yun naman ang lubos kong ikinatuwa. Todo parin sa kulitan at kamustahan. Wala na ngang kaso kung pag-usapan pa namin o hindi yung nangyari sa amin e. Dahil alam ko naman na di nasira ang aming pagkakaibigan. At iyun naman ang mas pinahahalagahan ko.

Pero isang araw dumating kami sa usapang iyon. Alam mo may naisip ako dun sa nangyari sa atin, bungad niya. Kinabahan na agad ako dahil baka mawala na ang pagkakaibigan at tuluyan na kaming mag-iwasan. Naisip ko that I felt the friendship you had for me more than it being a sexual thing. Kaya parang di ako nagsisi or nag-worry. Nakahinga naman ako ng maluwag sa pagkakasabi niya nun. Sumang-ayon naman ako sa kanya. Nabanggit ko rin na kahit di naman niya sinabi yun, kampante naman akong walang nagbago o magbabago sa amin. Hiyang-hiya nga ako sa'yo kasi  baka may gawin ako na di mo pala gusto e, biro ko sa kanya. Gustong-gusto ko nga e, sagot naman niya. At sabay kaming nagtawanan.

Simula noon ay naging mas malapit nga kaming magkaibigan. Tila ang isang gabi naming pagsasamang di sinasadya ay nauwi sa mas malalim na pagkakakilanlan. Kahit na walang nangyari sa amin uli buhat noon, naging masaya naman ang aming samahan. Tuloy pa rin ang kulitan at tawanan. Matapos ang pag-eeskwela ay bihira ko na siyang makita. Ngunit tuwing nagkikita kami hanggang ngayon ay ganoon pa rin ang samahan. Walang pinagbago. 


-Wakas-
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Cuddle [2]

,
ang nakaraan....



sa pagpapatuloy ng kuwento...

Hayun na nga tumabi na ko sa kanya. Sa ilalim ng iisang kumot, kami ay nagsiping. Hanggang maari ayoko haluan ng malisya kung ano man ang ginagawa namin o gagawin. Ayaw ko pa naman yung The Mistress o My Husband's Lover ang peg. Masyado akong affected sa mga ganyang istorya ng sulutan, ahasan, at salisihan kaya ayaw ko gawin sa iba yun. Pero sa isang banda, sabi ko nga, matagal na ko akong may gusto sa kanya.

Humiga ako sa tabi niya nang hindi alam ang gagawin. Gusto ko siyang yakapin ng mahigpit tulad ng yakap niya sa akin kanina. Pero ayaw ko nga mauna, di ba. Kung siya ang magsisimula ay sigurado namang di ko siya pipigilan at di ako tatanggi noh.

Nahiga ako sa tabi nang nakahilata. Umikot siya paharap sa akin at ako'y niyakap ng mahigpit. May panggigigil tulad ng kanina. Malamang sobrang tuwa ko. Sa tuwa ko, di ko mapigilan tigasan. Di ko na inintindi yung tigas. Basta masarap yung may nakayakap.

Sa yakap niya, di ko na rin mapigilan ang sarili ko. Kahit na alam kong madali at mabilis ako mawili sa body-contact ay pinagpatuloy ko na. Niyakap ko na rin siya. Di ko lang maipaliwanag yung pakiramdam ko noon nang mahigpit ko na siyang nabalot sa aking braso.

Di pa rin ako makapaniwala noon. Eto na talaga, sigaw ko sa isip ko. Enjoy the moment lang, wag kang lalabis. Matagal rin ang sagutan namin ng yakap. Mahigpit. Matagal. Malapit sa isa't isa. Mag-aayos lang kami ng puwesto pag nangangawit na yung isa sa amin.

Sa kaunting liwanag na nanggagaling sa labas, sinubukan kong tignan ang mukha niya. Masaya kaya siya sa nangyayari. Napipilitan. O wala lang. Tinitigan ko siya. Naaninagan kong siya rin ay nakatingin. Napangiti lang ako. May sparks. Chos. Bakit, aniya. Wala lang, sabi ko. Sabay pikit, ngiti at sandal sa dibdib niya.

Nahaluan din ng lokohan yung yakapan-portion namin. Bastos mo talaga, sabi niya habang nakahawak sa tigas kong tarugo. Tarugo?! Xerex?! hahaha Tawa lang talaga ako. Eh kaw rin naman oh, sabay hawak at pisil na matigas niya ring.. uhm.. tarugo. hahaha Minsan niyakap ko siyang parang hotdog pillow na nakapatong yung hita ko sa kanya. Sabay kiskis ko naman sa etits niya gamit ang hita ko. Tawa lang siya sa ginawa ko sa kanya.

Naging mapanghas na ko ng kinatagalan. Sinira ko na rin ang batas kong wag mauuna. Hinalikan ko siya. Well, more like Kisngot (kiss + singhot). yung halik na ginagawa sa ating ng mga lola natin. Ganun. Kisngot sa balikat, dibdib, leeg at likod ng tenga. Nahiya ako ituloy sa pisngi. Baka kasi off-limits. For boyfriend's use and pleasure only.

Tinigil ko na ang pag-kisngot ko sa kanya kasi baka madala akong ng pagkakataon. Naiyakap ko na lang siya ng mahigpit at sinubukang matulog.

Papunta na ko sa dreamworld noon ng makaramdam ako ng labi sa aking pisngi. Humalik siya sa akin. Yes! Ano yun, tanong ko sa kanya with slight pigil ng kilig. Good night kiss, sagot niya. Ahh, sabay ngiti ko naman. Sinandal ko ulit ang ulo ko sa kanya at pumikit nang nakangiti pa rin. Ilang sandali pa'y binuksan ko ulit aking mga mata at gumanti rin ng halik sa kanya sa pisngi. Ano yun, tanong naman niya. Good night kiss, pangising sagot ko sa kanya. Kita kong nakangiti rin siya kaya nagtatatalon na ko sa isip ko sa tuwa.

Nakaidlip kami sandali nang magkayakap. Nag-ayos ng braso at katawan. Tumayo muna ako sandali para umihi. Pagbalik ko sa kama ay matiwasay siyang natutulog. Pumaloob ako sa kumot at niyakap ko siya mula sa kanyang likod. Siya naman ay humarap ulit sa akin upang muling yumakap.

Sa kanyang pagyakap, nagkatapat ang aming mukha. Op kors, nagkatitigan kami. Ang lakas ng tension. Ewan ko lang kung ako lang nakaramdam noon oras na yun. May gusto akong gawin. Gusto ko siya halikan sa lips. Pinipigalan ko lang. Uy, may gusto siyang gawin, biro niya. Ngiti lang ang sagot ko sa kanya. May gusto siyang gawin oh, ulit pa niya. Eeeeeeeeeee kasi eh, tanging nasagot ko.

Pano nga ba to , gusto ko siyang halikan.


ipagpapatuloy... [Cuddle 3]
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Cuddle

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Nakatayo siya sa labas ng building, nagyo-yosi. Ang tagal na noong huli naming pagkikita. Lumapit ako sa kanyang abot tenga ang ngiti. Na-miss ko talaga siya. Napakabait kasi niyang kaibigan sa akin.

Pumasok kami ng building at sumakay ng elevator papunta sa room niya. Dalawa ang kama sa silid kaya natanong ko kung nasaan ang kanyang kasama. Umuwi muna sila sa kanila, sabi niya.

Nag-alok ng pagkain na di naman binigay. Nahiga sa magkibilang kama. Nanood ng TV. Nagkwentuhan. Naging masaya ang takbo ng gabi. Naging masaya iyon dahil napakagaan niyang kakwentuhan at katsimisan. Tawanan lang kami ng tawanan na may kasamang kantyawan at asaran.

Nabanggit niyang masakit raw ang kanyang likod gawa na rin ng maling pag-upo tuwing nag-aaral siya at nagko-computer. Bilang ako naman noon ay may kaunti ng alam sa katawan ng tao, binagbigay yan ko ang pabor niyang masahihin ko siya.

Kaba at tuwa ang naramdaman ko nang mahawakan ko na ang likod niya. Sa isang banda, natutuwa ako dahil matagal ko ng gusto ang kaibigan kong ito. Pinipigilan ko lang dahil attached na siya. Sa kabilang banda, kinakabahan ako dahil baka may magawa akong susobra sa dapat na gawin bilang isang kaibigan.

Habang nanonood kami ng movie sa laptop niya, tuloy pa rin kami daldal at ako naman sa paghagot sa kanyang likod. Nakadapa siya at ako naman ay nakaupo sa may gilid niya. Mula batok, balikat, likod, puwet, hita at binti, hinimas at pinisil ko na. Sabi ko nga pigil ako dahil baka may magawa akong makasira ng aming pagkakaibigan.

Napagod na ang aking kamay kaya pinahinga ko na ito. Pinahinga ko ang aking mga kamay at braso sa likod niya. Wala naman siya reklamo kaya hinyaan ko lang yun doon.

Sa pagkakadapa, tumagilid naman siya para mas makapanood. Di naman sinasadya, siguro dala na rin ng pagod, napasandal na ko sa katawan niya. Parang ginawa kong unan yung trunk niya.  Hirap naman manood kasi mabigat, biro niya. Natawa na lang ako at napaupo ako bigla  ng maayos. Masyado lang siguro ko nag-enjoy nakadikit sa katawan niya.

Pano ka hihiga, tanong ko. E di jan, sabi niya sabay turo kung saan ako nakaupo. Hinatak ko ang unan niya papunta sa hita ko. Ang sweet lang ng dating, yung ulo niya nakahiga sa hita ko. Sa oras na iyon ay nagkakamalisya na ako. Pano ba naman hindi ko pag-iisipan ng mahalay yun, e ang sweet kaya ng ganung posisyon. Aminin nyo. Tas sabay patong ko pa yung braso ko sa dibdib niya, hagod sa katawan niya tapos hawak sa konting stubbles sa mukha niya. Halata ng may malisya. Kaya bago pa man madala ako ng moment na iyon ay nagpasya na akong maligo nang makapagpalamig naman dahil nag-iinit na ko noon.

Pagbalik ko sa kwarto ay nagpasya na akong sa kabilang kama maupo. Nilabas ko ang aking mga notes at nagbasa-basa muna habang siya naman ang naligo. Meron na siya. Di ko dapat siya nilalandi. Ayaw ko maging homewrecker. Ayaw ko maging kabit. At lalo ng ayaw ko mawalan ng malapit na kaibigan, bulong ko sa aking isip.

Pumwesto ulit siya sa kabilang kama at patuloy kami sa pag-chika. Kamay ko naman masahihin mo, pakiusap niya. Parang alam ko na kung saan papunta to. I shouldn't make the first move, kumbinsi ko sa sarili. Mahirap nga naman kasi yung mauna ako 'pagkat ako ang  dehado kung nagkataon. Dapat cool lang. Go with the flow. Marupok din naman ako at bibigay din kung sakali. Ang mahalag di ako ang manguna.

Mahirap pumwesto sa kama ng maayos nang hindi nahaharangan ang panonood niya ng TV. Sa huli, nauwi na naman sa paghiga niya sa may hita ko ang puwesto namin. Sa puntong ito, di ko na mapigilang tigasan. Nakaboxers lang ako noon at basketball jersey kaya malayang nakakagalaw si junjun. Buti na lang at may unan na nakapatong upang di niya maramdaman ang paninigas ko.

Natapos na ang palabas na pinapanood namin. Dahil sa pangangawit sa pagkakaupo, tinabihan ko na siya sa kama upang makahiga na rin. Yumakap siya sa akin na animo'y nanggigigil. Di ko naman masyadong inisipan ng masama iyon. Baka kako nasanay lang ng kayakap. At dahil madaling araw na ng mga oras na iyon, napagpasyahan na naming matulog. Tumayo ako sa kama upang patayin ang mga ilaw sa kwarto at sa kubeta.

Nang madilim na ang paligid, tumingin ako sa kama kung saan siya nakahiga. Tatabi ba ako o hindi, pagtatalo sa isip ko. Worst thing that could happened, mag-cuddle lang naman kame. Wala namang masama dun, patuloy kong pag-rationalize sa utak ko.

Naglakad ako patungo sa kanya. Inangat ang kumot na nakabalot at sabay tumabi sa kama sa kanya.


ipagpapatuloy... [Cuddle 2]
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Race Time

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Even before fun runs and marathons became a hit in this generation, our school had already been organizing races annually. One night, being part of the boyscout family, we were tasked to become marshals for the annual fun run. We were asked to stay overnight at school to prepare all the things needed for the race - water in plastics, straw markers, route markers, stage and other things.

If you're a regular reader of this blog, you'll have a good idea what went on during our overnight stay. So here it goes.

After all materials have been prepared and tasks for the race were already delegated, it was time to hit the sack. However at that time, we were not equipped with sleeping bags nor tents. So we settled with sleeping on top of disassembled pingpong tables on top of a dirty, muddy floor. There were around 7 or 8 of us squeezing in on two adjacent tables. I was next to a higher classman near the edge.

This upper classman is a jovial person. There's not a bad bone in his body. He's always game and he's always kidding around. That made me like him.

I had a hard time sleeping since it was a humid night without any electric fan plus we were packed like sardines on those tables. After sleeping for a short time, I woke up. I just stared through the dark court were we stayed with little light coming from outside. Suddenly, my curiosity kicked in. I had a lot of those when I was in puberty. Penis envy perhaps? Anyway, since I've had several encounters with one of my 'brothers' in the club since summer training, I was kind of bold enough to push with another one.

Upper classman was sound asleep. He was snoring with his mouth slightly opened. Actually, all the people inside the room were sleeping based on the loud snores they make. I mustered up all my courage and proceeded with my plan. I turned to my side and faced him. My left hand started to linger on his body. Inch by inch my fingers walked until they reached his crotch area. I was cautious as to not wake him up and planned a quick retreat if he did. Fortunately, he stayed asleep.

Feeling around his pants, I finally recognized his now growing member. Fudge! I exclaimed in my mind. Lean guys do have the largest dicks. His was just as big and just as thick as the one from one of my post. I started to squeeze and rub his dick through his pants. He was already in his camouflage uniform that night.

I wasn't really contented. I wanted to feel his hard on. I needed get my hands inside hi pants.

I knew I wouldn't be able to do it with my left hand so I turned and lied on my back. With my right hand I reached down into his pants. He wasn't wearing any belt and his underwear's garter was fairly loose that's why my hand was able to get in easily. Inside, my hand played with his tool. Hard, thick and long. I wanted to let the monster out but I got too scared. I wanted to jack it off but I might risk being caught by someone outside. All this happened with my eyes fully closed or slightly opened.

Time seemed to stop while I was playing with his member. I didn't care how long it took if he does ejaculate with my strokes. He was already precumming based on his tool's wet head. When I just can't resist it, I tried to unhook the button of his pants and unzip it too. However, upperclassman's hand stopped me from doing so. I froze.

I thought he'll be furious or make a scene. But slowly, he got my hand out from his pants and just tapped it twice as if saying, you naughty boy. I looked at him with the little light that shone outside. He was just smiling as if he approved what had happened. He placed my hand on top of my body and he turned to his side, away from me.

Everything was back to normal when all of us woke up the next morning. The race went on smoothly and nobody suspected a thing.

Upperclassman confronted me later about what happened. He told me he wasn't able to sleep properly since I was playing with his member. I just told him I wasn't able to resist. It was just too big to pass out. Though nothing followed after, we were still cool ever since.

At present, upperclassman is happily married. We still communicate every now and then since we share the love for the outdoors.
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Moms Know (Most of them)

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I remember a discussion in twitter about mom confronting her son as being gay. Most moms know it even before their sons tell them. Some even know that their sons are gay even before their sons know it. It's mothers' intuition. They say mothers are the first ones to know but last to confirm or confront their gay sons.

My mom is apparently not one of those moms.I guess she's one of the naive ones - those who can't keep with the times, those who were born yesterday.

How can I say this? Well there were a lot of times where I thought that my mom still believes that to be gay is to be cross-dressing, effeminate, or flamboyant.

One time she asked me if one of my cousins is gay. I'm not one who tells on a sister. So I just returned with a question, probing why she thought so. She told me that her sister (my cousin's mother) suspects that her son is gay. I don't know, I answered her. Siguro malambot lang talaga siya, I added. And I guess she believes  me.

Another time, there was a pair of guys inquiring about investing on real estate property. The moment I saw the two of them, I already knew they're gay. I also suspect that they were a couple. Apparently, they're each planning to invest on a lot before going back to Saudi to work as gym instructors. Mom's agent came to us telling the pair's story. He added that one of them was gay because of how he looked at him. When the agent went back to the pair, my mom turned to me and said, bakla daw?! paano naman niya nasabing bakla yun, e ang lalaki ng katawan nila. I just told mom that I also think so because one of them was eyeing me out.

And the last one came from a conversation I had with my sister. She told me that mom is excited for another grandchild but she's not expecting it to come from me. Seems like my mom doesn't see me as one who could bring a life into this world, not because she thinks I'm gay but because she thinks I don't have a lustful bone in my body. She thinks I'll die a virgin. She has no idea.

Most moms really do know things that go on with their children even before they could confess it to them. But out of love and respect, they just let their children be happy for who and what they are.

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Senses

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Have you ever experienced while walking by a restaurant, seeing its name or smelling their freshly cooked meals, you suddenly remember events that took place there? They say that our senses are closely associated with our memories and emotions due to their close proximity in our brains. It makes us call up powerful memories almost instantaneously with the aid of our senses.

Since I tend to be a by-stander inside malls, I can't help but recall certain events in my life whenever I see these establishments:

Friday's
Burgoo 
Trelli's
KFC
Bellini's
Pepper Lunch
Bon Chon
Sizzling Pepper Steak
Googel
Aveneto
Karate Kid
Starbucks 
Gong Cha
Cha Time 

Good or bad, memories are events that made a mark in our lives. It may hurt or calm us, crush or heal us. What's important is the lessons we've learned. Cherish the good ones and try to make good memories in place of the bad ones.

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Little John

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He stood there watching. Sobbing. Weak. Helpless. Little John, there in the corner, wishing that they would stop. The fighting. The shouting. Screaming. Cursing. Hitting. He couldn't take it. He just stood there watching.

He never liked conflicts - the shouting and screaming. As much as possible, he stayed away from them. He kept distance. In his nook, his corner. The only thing he knows to do was cry.

Now older, still little John dislikes conflicts especially coming from the family. How can something that's supposed to cradle love and affection possess so much anger and hostility, he thought. He wanted to run as far away as possible. He wanted to just disappear.
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Terms of endearment

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Minsan pag nagkakaroon ka ng SO (significant other) or SS (special someone) sa buhay mo, di ninyo maiwasang magkaroon ng tawagan or pet names. Classic example nun ay love, darling, mahal, pangga, beau, boo, bubba at kung ano-ano pa. So papatalo ba ko. hehe

DK - naging DK kasi pareho naming nickname sa bahay ay nagsisimula sa D, so ibig sabihin niyan ay D** Ko. oh di ba, baduy. haha simula pa lang yan.

Han - derived from my other name. When he first texted me, and addressesed me with this name, I thought he was just lazy typing. So I replied with the same name, and everything started from there.

Mahal - Ito yung wala lang maisip na tawagan kaya nakiuso na lang sa mahal-mahal na tawagan.

Soulmate - Ang dami kasi naming things in common kaya napagtanto naming soulmates kami. Though he's miles away, may pagkakaintindihan kami somehow. At excited ako makilala siya nang personal, like super personal. haha

Big / little bear - Okay, siguro madali ng isipin kung sino si big bear. hehe. kaya naman bear ang reference namin ay pareho namin pinanggigigilan ang isa't isa - parang teddy bear.

Idol - Ito ang tawag ko sa kanya, pero iba ang tawag niya sa akin (secret na lang yun kasi nakakakilig e. joke). Idol ko siya kasi ang dami niyang alam sa life and love or love and sex. Basta ang dami niyang words of wisdom ala Ate Charo. Nakakatuwa lang kasi kahit anong landi ko sa kanya, di siya nadadala. kainis. hahaha

Someone - sa picture kasi nagsimula yan. we wanted to be that someone for each other. at first, okey naman lahat. kaya lang there's somethings that I guess are not meant to happen. I dunno. Siguro the timing's bad.


Sa mga naging tawagan naming iyan, naging special sila sa akin at sana'y ako rin sa kanila. Natuldukan man o unti-unti man silang  sa buhay ko, nagpapasalamat naman

Sana dumating na ang otter sa buhay ko...




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Muntik sa Bus

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Nakaupo na ko noon sa bus sa tabi ng bintana. Hilig ko talaga maupo sa window-side para pag nakatulog ako, may sandalan ang ulo ko.

Habang dumudungaw sa bintana naramdaman kong may tumabi sa akin. Una kong napansin ang gym bag niyang dala. Abah, fit ito for sure. At hindi nga ako nagkamali. Triceps pa lang puro cuts na. Biceps pati na ang deltoids, toned din. Tumaas ang tingin ko. Dahan-dahan para di niya masyado mahalatang kinikilatis ko siya. Tsaka para malagyan na rin ng mukha yung mga  nakita kong body parts. Pagdating sa mukha, sabi ko, abah, pwede tong si kuya ah.

Nang bubunutin ko sana ang cellphone ko sa bulsa ng pantalon ko na matatagpuan sa side nya, napadikit yung siko ko sa tagiliran niya. Sabay kibot naman si Kuya at tingin sa akin at sa siko ko. Mukhang irritable at inis. Tinamaan namna ako ng takot ng slight. Baka homophobic tong mokong na to. Dumistansya na ko baka mabugbog pa ko.

Emote na lang ulit ako sa bintana habang pinagmamasdan ang mga palayang lagi ko nang nakikita sa linggo-linggo kong pagluwas. Nagulat na lang ako nang makita ko sa repleksyon sa salamin ng bintana ang liwanag mula sa cellphone ni kuya. Isang naghuhumindig na lalaking topless at nakabikini ang nasa cellphone niya. Hala! May tinatago din pala si kuya. Pasimple kong tinignan kung ano talaga ang ginagawa ni kuya. Napangiti na lang ako nang makita ko na ang nasa cellphone pala ni kuya ay Grindr. Ibig sabihin ang pagkibot ni Kuya kanina ay arte lang. Kala ko pa naman allergic siya sa bading. Pareho pala ang koponan namin. Gusto ko sanang batiin eh kaso busy siya sa pagsagot sa mga messages niya sa text, Grindr at Twitter.

Kaya sa buong byahe, nakangiti na lang ako. Mukhang ang dami kasing ka-aura ni Kuya eh. Natuwa ako for him.

****

Sa isa pang byahe, pauwi naman ako. Galing ako sa Timog sa isang pagsasalo. Nakailan ding bote ng SML at RH kaya noong palakad ako pa-EDSA ay mejo gago-gago na ko. Kumakanta ng malakasa at tumatawa. Noong napansin ko yung ibang taong naglalakad na nakatingin sa akin ay medyo tinamaan na ko ng hiya.

Sa bus naupo ako sa may aisle. Tumabi sa lalaking natutulog. Masayang-masaya ang mood ko noong gabing yun. Bakit ba naman hindi ako sasaya eh noon lang ulit ako nakainom at nakahalakhak ng ganoon nang matagal na panahon. So sa bus, gagong ngiti naman ako.

Napatingin ako bigla sa kaliwa ko sa kabilang side ng upuan. Meron lalaking, di naman kagwapuhan, di rin naman kapangitan, na nakita ko. Ayos lang naman siya. Tipong constru-level na saktong pang-romansa, ganyan. Hayun, tinignan ko. Tumingin din naman siya at tumango at sabay ngiti. Ngiti din naman ako.

Sa byahe namin, nakailang tingin din naman din ako sa kanya hanggang sa malaman kong marami pa siyang kasamang kapwa constru. Kaya sinukuan ko na ang pagtingin sa kanya.

Nang makita ko yung mga kasama niyang nagsitayuan, sinubukan ko siyang titigan ulit. Tumingin ulit siya sabay sabi, ano pre, kursunada mo ba ko? Malaki ang boses at halatang lasing sa tono pa lang. Napatalon yung puso ko at natakot ako bigla. Umiling na lang ako at yumuko hanggang sa bumaba silang lahat. Di ko na sinubukang silipin pa sila sa bintana dahil baka balikan pa ko.

Ngayon, ano ang natutunan ko sa pangyayaring ito: Kailangang matutong mangilatis ng titigan. Matuto ring huminay-hinay sa mga ginagawa sa bus at ibang public transportation. Baka maging mitsya pa yun ng buhay ko at ma-gangbang pa ko.
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