Closet Clutters

Bale ika-16 na ng Hulyo ngayon sa Pinas at bukas ay ika-17 na. Dapat ay tatlong taon na kami ng huli kong kasintahan bukas. Ngunit  tulad ng nasabi ko na sa nakaraang post ay wala na kami. Hindi kami umabot ng isang taon, ni hindi namin nasubukan 'yung pinaghahandaan naming LDR. Kung bakit kami naghiwalay ay sa ibang pagkakataon ko na sasabihin. Hindi iyon ang pakay ko sa post na ito bagkos, ngayon ang simula ng aking paghilom. "Paghilom?! Arteh! Dalawang taon na kayong wala. Move-on, move-on din." Oo, paghilom. Tama nga, dalawang taon na nga. Ngunit kailangan ko maging totoo. Hindi ganoon kadali ang magpatuloy o mag-"move on" tulad ng sinasabi ng nakararami. Sabi nga sa kasabihan, madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. Ngunit pakiramdam ko ito na ang tamang oras na harapin lahat ng mga alaala at pangyayari at ito na rin ang tamang panahom simulan ito. Sa totoo, ito na ang pinakamatagal ko bago maka-move-on. Doon sa unang tatlo kong kasintahan, mabilis akon...

Matanda na tayo para gawin pang komplikado ang mga bagay-bagay. Natuwa naman ako sa papanaw ng kausap ko. Tama nga naman. Bakit nga ba kailangan pang gawing kumplikado ang buhay. Pwede naman i-brush-off yung mga bagay na di umayon sa plano mo. Kebs na lang 'di ba. Take things as it is. We dated before, had an awesome time together. Kaso hindi naging kami. Sabihin na lang nating hindi tugma yung oras at panahon. Pero nakakapag-usap pa rin kami ng maayos ngayon. Naglolokohan at nagbibiruan. Napag-uusapan namin ang nangyari noon nang walang halong kapaitan. Nakakatuwa lang. Inisip ko tuloy yung mga nangyari sa akin noon, sa mga bago kong nakilala. Siguro kung ganyan din ang pananaw ko noon marahil nakakausap ko pa rin sila hanggang ngayon. Kung sana'y hindi ko inuna ang aking emosyon, marahil ay buong puso ko pa rin silang maituturing na kaibigan. Ngunit nanaig ang damdamin. woah. Bridges were burned. Relationships lost. Kung noon sana ay naging simple lang ang tin...

Mabilisang sabawan... **** Walang nangyari sa 'min. -Weh?! Naku. Alam ko na yang karakas mo. Kilala na kita. Agh!  Ano tingin mo sa 'kin?! Nakaka-offend yun ah. -Charot! hahaha **** Sa totoo lang, sa kanya ko lang unang narinig yung term na 'yun. Ayon sa pagkakapaliwanag niya sa akin at sa pagkakainitindi ko ang karakas ay yung teknik mo o moves  mo na kadalasang ginagamit upang mambiktima magpa-enamor o magpahumaling ng isang tao. Eh ano naman kung may karakas ako. Palagay ko naman may kanya-kanya tayong moves para makabingwit e. Ayon sa kanila, eto raw karakas ko: 1. Makikipagkaibigan - [wala naman masamang makipagkaibigan di ba?!] 2. Mag-aaya ng kape-kape, inom, o akyat ng bundok - [it's my way of getting to know that person. yung kami lang. far from influence of others. Nothing wrong about knowing what he likes or dislikes, right?!] 3. Mahilig daw ako maghawak ng kamay. Touchy ba. - [well, wala ako magagawa it's in my nature and professi...

Honest question. or like a survey. If a blogger's niche is his sexual encounters, fantasy, romance and sexuality, is there a perception that he's easy to get?  Take this blog for example. It's almost all about sex. Do you, as a reader, someone who has not met me personally [yet] (or for those who have, your first impression of me), think that I would sleep with just about anyone? So you'd know, I'm not fishing for compliments or anything. Say whatever, you want to say. I don't actually even mind what other people think. I am just honestly curious if there's such a inkling. Just wondering.  ^.^

Conversation with a friend... Ayaw ko na nga ng fubu. gusto ko na ng relasyon. haays. haha drama E ang taas kaya ng standards mo.. pano kaya yun??? hahaha Ewan ko. basta. anjan ka pa naman e. kaw na yung malapit sa pagiging bf sa buhay ko hahaha *Thought* Mas mahirap kayang maghanap ng karelasyon kung kuntento at masaya ka na sa nakukuha mong atensyon at pagtingin sa mga kaibigan mo? Kasi inisip ko, sa ayaw mo man o hindi, maikukumpara mo ang relasyon mo sa malapit mong kaibigan sa taong tipo mo. Ewan ko. Naisip ko lang.

Kamakailan lang ay nadagdagan na naman ang bilang ng aking gulang. Hindi na mapagkakaila na tumatanda na talaga ako sa bente-syete. Masaya ko namang ipinagdiwang ang araw na ito sa pamamagitan ng pagsalubong sa aking kaarawan kasama ng malalapit na kaibigan. Tunay ngang naging masaya ang pagsalubong namin - kain sa buffet at inom ng mga banyagang alak na noon ko lang nakita. Simple ngunit may kurot pa rin. Ngunit sa aking pagsalubong, hindi ko naiwasang malungkot nang bahagya. Naisip ko, sa gulang kong ito, ano na ba ang narating ko? Nadadagdagan ako ng taon ngunit hindi naman nadagdagan ang mga nagagawa ko sa buhay. Parang ganoon pa rin, walang pagbabago. Nabulalas ko ito nang sandali sa aking kasama sa hotel room nang kinamusta niya ko. Ngunit sa alaalang iyon ang aking kaarawan, pinapaliban ko muna ang isipang iyon. Kailangan masaya ako, bulong ko sa sarili. Sinaglitan kong binisita ang facebook. Nagulat ako sa aking nakita; ang mga kamag-aral ko noong kolehiyo ay g...

"You did break up. But you guys are back together now. I won't dwell on what happened or ask why or who did what. I'm just curious. What was it that you felt or heard from someone, or saw that made you realize that getting back together was the best thing to do?" I forgot to ask that to my friend who after breaking up with his boyfriend is now back in each others arms. They seemed to be sincerely happy in their relationship. So i guess there's truth in the saying " love is sweeter the second time around. " But there's another school of thought in break-ups. And this is something I generally believe in. They say that you should never get back with your ex because there's a great chance that what caused your break-up is still there - may it be an attitude, a feeling, or an underlying issue, it's bound to be brought up eventually. So now I wonder, if there's such a thing as reconciliation, what could be the circumstances that ...

I remember a discussion in twitter about mom confronting her son as being gay. Most moms know it even before their sons tell them. Some even know that their sons are gay even before their sons know it. It's mothers' intuition. They say mothers are the first ones to know but last to confirm or confront their gay sons. My mom is apparently not one of those moms.I guess she's one of the naive ones - those who can't keep with the times, those who were born yesterday. How can I say this? Well there were a lot of times where I thought that my mom still believes that to be gay is to be cross-dressing, effeminate, or flamboyant. One time she asked me if one of my cousins is gay. I'm not one who tells on a sister. So I just returned with a question, probing why she thought so. She told me that her sister (my cousin's mother) suspects that her son is gay. I don't know, I answered her. Siguro malambot lang talaga siya , I added. And I guess she believes  me. An...

He stood there watching. Sobbing. Weak. Helpless. Little John, there in the corner, wishing that they would stop. The fighting. The shouting. Screaming. Cursing. Hitting. He couldn't take it. He just stood there watching. He never liked conflicts - the shouting and screaming. As much as possible, he stayed away from them. He kept distance. In his nook, his corner. The only thing he knows to do was cry. Now older, still little John dislikes conflicts especially coming from the family. How can something that's supposed to cradle love and affection possess so much anger and hostility, he thought. He wanted to run as far away as possible. He wanted to just disappear.

After meeting these guys, something kinda dawned on me... -- I met him for the first time that day. He agreed to accompany me to an 'important' matter. Though we have been exchanging  messages for quite some time, I was still anxious for our first actual meet up. I already knew what he looked like. Based on the picture he sent, he could pass as a print ad model. He has a boyish charm to him, with rosy cheeks, and fair complexion. And according to him, he's also tall. First things I thought of when I saw the photo he sent me was 'Oh, he's so freaking hot!' 'He's so gorgeous!' "WOW" "Take me home!" hehe. Honestly, I didn't want to believe that it's his actual photo. I was like, 'no, he can't be this hot.' I was thinking, maybe he's just shy or maybe he wants to project a persona. And since our interaction was always pleasant (he's really very nice, friendly and funny), I went along with it, thinki...

Sa tagal mo nang naglalaro, akala mo bihasa ka na. Na kahit anong gawin mo, hindi ka madadala. Na ikaw pa rin ang nagpapatakbo ng laro. Ngunit minsan bibigay ka rin at susuko. Bagamat gusto mo nang umiwas sa paglalaro, di mo pa rin magawang talikuran ang nakasanayan. Tila naging bahagi na ito ng iyong pagkatao na kahit kailan ay di kayang iwaksi. Kaya maiisip mo, sasaya pa kaya ako nang tunay? Madali kasing sabihing hindi ka pa handa sa pakikipagrelasyon. Dahil alam mo sa sarili mo na di mo pa kayang maglaan ng atensyon para sa iisa lamang. At alam mo na kapag nangyari iyon, ay makakasakit ka lang ng damdamin. Ngunit ang malaking tanong ay hanggang kailan? Hanggang kailan ka magpapatuloy sa paglalaro. Alam mong nagsasawa ka na, pero bakit nahihirapan ka pa rin magbago? Ano ang hinihintay mo para ikaw ay tumalikod sa nakagawian? Marahil may hinihintay ka. Marahil may inaabangan kang tao kung saan ilalayo ka sa ganoong pag-iisip. Isang tagapagligtas na maunawain at mapagmahal. Yu...

Mula sa isang usapan sa twitter, napaisip ako... "...may  crush ako  na pangkama..." May kategorya pala ang mga crush. Sabagay, hindi ba't lahat naman ay nagsisimula sa crush. Pero ano nga ba ang crush? Hindi ba ang crush ay paghanga, pagkabighani, pagkapukaw ng atensyon? Sa isip ko naglalaro ang iba't ibang crush na naranasan ko. Crush na pangkama. - Eto yung basic crush. Bale carnal in nature. Yung crush mo tapos gusto mo ikama tapos you'll take from there. Crush na pangkaibigan - Eto naman crush mo kasi dami ninyong things in common. Parang pede kayong maging activity buddies. Yung tipong magkakasundo kayo sa mga bagay. Crush na pangkapamilya - Eto naman yung crush na tipong nakikita mo siya as an older brother who'll give you pieces of advice or wisdom, or shield you from hurt. O younger brother na ibu-bully or papayuhan. Sasabihan kung sino sa ka-twit ang dapat o di dapat lapitan. O siguro parang tatay na maalaga at maasikaso. Crus...

I just love bus rides. Looking out the window. Seeing how the landscape changes as the bus navigates its way to the expressway.  Everything is so calm and sure.  It's the certainty of it all that I love so much in bus rides or any other forms of transportation. You get on a bus in point A and you'll alight in point B. That simple. There's a beginning and an end. You know where you'll start. Track your progress to where you're currently at. And you'll know if you're nearing your destination. In trips, it's just the same. You have an itinerary. You follow it. Then it's done. No matter how many changes or revisions happen to that itinerary, you'd still know where it leads to and ends.  But in the journey that we call life (yeah, too cliche), it's a different story. No matter how you navigate. No matter how much you plan. No matter how many goals you set. You can't still be sure what you'll get and when you'll get it.  I...

Last weekend, one of the topic of conversation among former classmates was the news of one of our batchmates coming out. Questions like, "How did he come out?" "Who did he come out to?" "Who's his boyfriend?", emerged. I shouldn't have been that excited with the news because since I've met him, I already knew we're playing on the same side, and the recent turnout was just confirmation of my ever so reliable gaydar. In our excitement, we tried to answer one of our questions, who is his current boyfriend. And to do so, we decided to visit his Facebook timeline. We remember seeing a coded status he posted months ago that seem to be saying something but very subtly. As we browse through his status, one commenter caught our attention. His comments were to bland or straightforward, lacking any emotion which seemed to be odd since all other comments were humorous. By instinct, I opened that guy's profile in a new tab and browsed through his t...

Pumasok ako sa grupo na iyon para maging mabait at maituwid ang mga mali kong pamamaraan at pamumuhay. Sabi ko kapag napaligiran ako ng mababait o nagpapakabait, baka naman mahawahan ako at magpakabait na ko. Ang grupo na ito ay binubuo ng mga taong wala pang asawa. Kamakailan ay lumabas kaming mga lalaking magkakapatid sa pananampalataya para sa aming buwanang pagtitipon. Ginanap ito sa bahay ng isa sa amin sa Rizal. Sa laboy naming iyon ay napalapit ako sa isa sa kanila. Nagkasabay kami sa paglalakad at doon kami nakapag-usap ng matagal. Sa umpisa pa lang ay parang 'naamoy' ko na siya. Mayroon siyang kakaibang 'mannerisms,' pananalita, at galaw. Malakas ang tiwala ko sa aking radar sa mga ganyang bagay. Ngunit isinangtabi ko ito dahil baka nagiging malisyoso lang ako. Hanggang sa nagkaroon ng pagkakataong nagkasama kami sa ilalim ng payong upang umiwas sa init ng araw. Nagkaroon ng oras na nakahawak siya sa braso ko. Madali talaga ako mahulog 'pag nahahawakan...

I remember an advice I gave someone before. I asked him if it was really love that he was feeling for someone or has he just fallen in love with the idea of loving that someone. Too many of us mistake the feelings we have towards a person as love. We easily jump to the conclusion that indeed we have fallen for that person. We sometimes neglect to re-examine our feelings to trace where it's coming from. I remember telling him that in my opinion, what he was feeling was not love, at least not yet. I acknowledge that he indeed have strong feelings towards that person, but i think not enough to call it "love."  Strong feelings. At that time, it was easy for me to say it. It was easy to give an advice without even understanding how he must have felt. But now I somewhat get the idea of strong feelings. There's that attraction you feel with out having an explanation. For me, it's the butterflies I feel in my stomach when I am having a conversation with him. ...

Memories, I believe, is neither good nor bad. It depends on how these still in time is interpreted in our mind or how it affects us in certain situations. Memories can sometimes lighten our day. Those sweet moments you spent together with your loved ones or even just a normal day would just take you back to those happy times and make you feel so much better. On the other hand, memories sometimes can hold you back from moving on. When a person leaves, he's not completely gone because you still have memories of him. And unless you'll acquire a selective amnesia, that person will still live in your mind. So, memories it's just a matter of having more with different people so you'll have a lot more to look back on and not just on one. ******* On my way back to the greater manila area, I looked back on the closing month and decided to start a regular month-ender series. They say that it's important to evaluate the day that passed so that it wouldn't be w...

Mahilig akong makiramdam. Siguro dala na rin ng pagiging dominantly observer personality ko kaya ganoon. Mahilig ako makiramdam sa paligid at sa mga tao. Pinagmamasdan ang bawat kilos, bawat kumpas ng kampay, ngiti at tingin. Minsa'y napapangiti rin ako sa aking mga nakikita. Marami ka kasing matutuklasan sa isang tao kahit sa pakikiramdam lamang. Minsa'y mali ang mga inferences ko ngunit mas madalas namang tama. Empathy nga raw ang strongest trait ko. I'm best in understanding how others feel daw to the point of feeling what they are feeling. Saktong sakto nga sa propesyon ko sa larangan ng medisina. Pakiramdam. Feel. Touch. Ano nga ba meron dito. Aaminin kong mahilig ako sa skin contact. Akap. Akbay. Hold hands. Shake hands. Bro hug. Ganyan. Iba kasi 'yung pakiramdam. Parang ang intimate kasi. Sabi nga nila touch or the sensation of someone touching you releases Serotonin in your circulation. The neurotransmitter Serotonin is responsible in alleviating depress...

Sabi ko sa sarili ko dati, ngayong taon ay magbabago ang buhay ko. Hindi ko inakala na ganito pala ang mangyayari. Malaking pagbabago nga sa buhay ko ang hinihingi ng pagkakataong ito. Ngayon palang ay dama ko na. Dahil sa nangyari, marahil ay lumipat muna ko sa Laguna para masamahan si mama habang siya ay nagdadalamhati. Marahil dito na rin ako maghanap ng trabaho para sa katuparan naman ng pangarap ko. Lilipat ako para rin masamahan ang pamangkin ko habang naghahanap pa ng kapalit na yaya ang aking kapatid. Di pa kami nakakapag-usap ng masinsinan ni Mama kung paano ang balak niya. Naiwanan ang sasakyang walang magmamaneho. Malaki ang posibilidad na ako ang aatasan maging tigahatid at sundo ni Mama sa opisina. Ngunit kailangan ko pa matutunan magmaneho lagpas ng second gear. Umpisa palang ng taon ay malaking dagok na sa buhay ng mga kapamilya ko ang nangyari. Hindi ko pa tuloy alam kung paano ko pagagalawin ang buhay ko ngayon gawa ng di kanaisnais na pangyayari. Ipinagdadasal...

Kausap ko kaninang hapon yung kaibigan ko. Nabanggit ko sa kanya na parang ngayon, di ko dama yung pasko. Parang dumating ang December na wala lang. Tapos sa susunod na linggo ay Pasko na. Eh ano naman. Parang walang pinagkaiba. Anong nangyari sa atin? wika ko sa kanya. Bumaba kami ng mall para pakinggan yung choir na kumakanta. Rockwell kasi yun kaya wala masyadong tumitigil para makinig. They're all busy with their sosy problems. Unlike, jologs like me na pag may libreng concert, manonood talaga. Sabi ko sa kaibigan ko. Sa mga ganitong pagkakataon lang - referring to hearing the choir sing - nararamdaman na pasko na nga. Siya naman daw naramdaman niyang pasko na nung magkasama kaming umiikot ng mall with matching picture-picture pa sa mga decors. Iba talaga kung bata ka sa ganitong panahon. Pinakaaabangan mo yung araw na sasapit kung saan dadami na naman ang iyong pera at regalo. Dalawang linggong bakasyon kung saan pwede kang pumunta kung saan mo gusto pumunta at gawin ano...