Clarity

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Thing are starting to be clear now.

I have been seeing a number of pictures of Ilocos in my Newsfeed. It reminded me of the trip with the ex. It was a fun memory. Touring the region, the attractions, scenes, and landmarks.

But along with those happy memories is the first time we almost break up. For some reason I was having a fit. I wasn't sure what I was going through but it felt like I was having a tantrum. 

Looking back, I realize now why I said thoses words to him that time. I told him that he was better off without me, that he needs ssomeone else, that he needs someone who would be able to take care of him. In short, he needed someone better.

Remembering it all now, I realize more things about my feelings then. I realize now that it would be selfish for me to want him to go to the US with me and leave his family. It would be selfish for me to leave him in the Philippines for a while and wait for me to petition for him. And it wouls be selfish of me to ask him to marry me so he can be an immigrant too if he doesn't want to.

Now it's becoming clear. All this time that I kept on wanting him back is because I don't want to be alone and lonely. I was being selfish. I am being selfish.

Now I realize that I do have to let him be. Let him be happy where he is now and who he is with.

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the blues

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Matapos kong ihinto ang sasakyan sa paradahan, di ko na napigilang umiyak. Habang tumutugtog ang kanta ni reyna Whitney Houston na I Have Nothing, ako naman ay humahagulgol. Di ko maintindihan kung anong lungkot yung bumalot sa akin.

Galing ako sa pasyente kanina. Sila ay matandang mag-asawa na nakatira sa isang assisted living facility. Tinanong ko yung babae tungkol sa kanilang anak. Ika niya, sa malapit lang nagtatrabaho yung anak niya kaya dito sila tumira para malapit lang habang hinihintay nilang sila ay umalis.

Nakuha ko agad ang gusto niyang sabihin. Doon sila tumira upang malapit lang sila sa kanilang anak kung sakaling may mawal sa kanilang dalawa.

Tuloy-tuloy lang ang hagulgol ko sa kotse sa pagpatuloy ni Whitney sa I Will Always Love You. Inisip ko marahil nabalot ako ng pinaghalong takot at lungkot.

Takot na tumanda mag-isa. Takot na tumanda na walang makakasama. Takot na umabot ako sa edad na hindi ko man lamang kayang alagaan ang sarili ko.

Ganito na lamang ba ang buhay? Magtatrabaho ka para kumita pero para saan? Malaki nga ang kita ko dito sa America pero mag-isa naman ako. Maganda nga ang buhay ko pero pag-uwi ko naman sa apartment, walang sasalubong sa akin. Malungkot. Malungkot mamuhay sa ibang bansa. Sana kayanin ko.


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