Closet Clutters

Nakaupo na ko noon sa bus sa tabi ng bintana. Hilig ko talaga maupo sa window-side para pag nakatulog ako, may sandalan ang ulo ko. Habang dumudungaw sa bintana naramdaman kong may tumabi sa akin. Una kong napansin ang gym bag niyang dala. Abah, fit ito for sure. At hindi nga ako nagkamali. Triceps pa lang puro cuts na. Biceps pati na ang deltoids, toned din. Tumaas ang tingin ko. Dahan-dahan para di niya masyado mahalatang kinikilatis ko siya. Tsaka para malagyan na rin ng mukha yung mga  nakita kong body parts. Pagdating sa mukha, sabi ko, abah, pwede tong si kuya ah. Nang bubunutin ko sana ang cellphone ko sa bulsa ng pantalon ko na matatagpuan sa side nya, napadikit yung siko ko sa tagiliran niya. Sabay kibot naman si Kuya at tingin sa akin at sa siko ko. Mukhang irritable at inis. Tinamaan namna ako ng takot ng slight. Baka homophobic tong mokong na to. Dumistansya na ko baka mabugbog pa ko. Emote na lang ulit ako sa bintana habang pinagmamasdan ang mga palayang lagi ko ...

I just love bus rides. Looking out the window. Seeing how the landscape changes as the bus navigates its way to the expressway.  Everything is so calm and sure.  It's the certainty of it all that I love so much in bus rides or any other forms of transportation. You get on a bus in point A and you'll alight in point B. That simple. There's a beginning and an end. You know where you'll start. Track your progress to where you're currently at. And you'll know if you're nearing your destination. In trips, it's just the same. You have an itinerary. You follow it. Then it's done. No matter how many changes or revisions happen to that itinerary, you'd still know where it leads to and ends.  But in the journey that we call life (yeah, too cliche), it's a different story. No matter how you navigate. No matter how much you plan. No matter how many goals you set. You can't still be sure what you'll get and when you'll get it.  I...

In a jeepney. Still on my struggle in finding my identity, a scene flashed backed in my head. Inside the bathroom. Just came home from a recurring one night stand.  I was taking a bath. All that was in my head was the thought of being dirty. I needed to clean myself thoroughly. I felt so dirty. So this is how someone raped must feel like, I thought. But I was not raped. Yet I felt so empty, so used. It felt like nothing good came out of that night. Though I had a moment of pleasure, it still wasn't what I needed. Maybe I have done it so many times that it wasn't as special as before. At some point, I grew tired of the same pattern. We meet. We eat. We go somewhere quiet. Or we drink. But as always, we end up in bed. I leave, he leaves, or we both leave separately. Maybe that's where my perception of love and relationship got messed up. At some point, I got fed up of being in this lifestyle / orientation. I got even more confused. If I am already sick of rods, does...

Sa bus, nakaupo ako sa may window side. Hinihintay na lang mapuno ito para makaalis na. Isa na sa mga huling pumasok ay si boy-bata may suot na backpack at may dala-dalang grocery bags sa magkabilang kamay. May sinusundan siyang lalaking may malaking bag na dala. Inakala kong magkasama sila. Naupo si Boy-bata sa tabi. Napatingin ako at napaisip, pede si Boy. Ako ay pagod na dahil sa buong umagang pagbabanat kaya di ko na lang siya pinansin. O sige, inaamin ko na minsa'y tila inakit ko siya sa paminsang pagkambyo. Pero natapos lang yun sa ganun. Nang magsimula ng umandar ang bus. Napansin kong si BB ay palinga-linga sa direksyon ko. Naman, trained eye ata 'to. Malinaw ang peripheral vision. Noong nakita ko ulit siya tumingan, ginantihan ko rin siya ng tingin. Iniisip ko kung may balak nga si BB sa akin ay makikipagtitigan ito. Nang pagtingin ko sa kanya, bumaling naman siya ng tingin. Malamang assuming lang ako, bulong ko sa isip ko. Matapos makaikot na ang kundoktor at mangole...

Kanina pauwi habang nagmumuni-muni sa jeep, napatingin ako sa isang pasahero. Isang tatay kasama ang kanyang dalawang lalaking anak. Siguro nasa mga 30's lang si daddy at mga 6 at 4 years old lang ang mga chikiting. Si daddy maganda katawan. Alam mong manual labor ang ginagawa. May itsura. Kayumanggi at maganda ang smile. At pinaka importante, mukhang mabango. hehe

Sabi ng kapatid ko noon magaling daw ako mag-advice on love. Well, nabasa ko lang naman yun sa mga magazines at books, napanood sa TV, at naobserbahan sa kanila. So kung tutuusin halos theoretical, fictional, at second-hand experiences ang alam ko. Dahil siguro doon kaya ngayon nangangapa ako sa relationship ko. Totoo pala yung 'easier said than done.' Easy to give an advice, difficult to apply in your own life. Sana may manual 'no, na specifically written for you. Tailor-made kung baga. Tapos hard to reach pa ang inner circle ko. Busy sa mga buhay. At yung hihingan ko sana ng advice (5 years na kasi sila ng partner niya) about a budding relationship ay di na rin pala applicable kasi nag-break na sila. Though, pede ko pa rin siguro tanungin kung pano sila tumagal ng 5 years. Naisip ko tuloy, sana meron ding set-up sa PLU na tipong yung nakatatandang couple gagabayan yung younger couple sa kanilang relationship. Parang CFC lang. Household ba yun? hehe O ...

I just read about MRT stories from different blogs but didn't think it will happen to me. At some point, I did hope it would. And now that it happened, I am just giddy grateful for the experience. I boarded the MRT line from the Ayala station coming from a seminar in Makati this evening. My destination was Quezon Ave for a meeting. As expected, the train was packed with commuters. Running from the stairs, I made it to the last cart, at the back of the train. Already, commuters are shoulder to shoulder from each other. This got me excited. It's either I'll experience a signature MRT 'adventure' or at least I would witness one.