Closet Clutters

Sister went home this afternoon accompanied by a male coworker (MC). MC is tall, seemed fit and good-looking. I was inside the kitchen preparing lunch. When I peeked into the living room, I saw MC playing with the nephew. He seemed to be enjoying being with the kid and my nephew seemed be having fun as well. It was a good sight to see. Then, cue day dream... I see me and my partner (and maybe child) going home every Sundays to have lunch with my mother. My sister along with her husband and my nephew arriving with their own prepped food. We'll all be sitting around one big table having a great time with each other - our partners getting some beers, our children playing, and us having a meaningful conversation. It will be like in a scene from Brothers and Sisters or 7th Heaven. I know that dream would be impossible to happen. But I'm still optimistic.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko dati, ngayong taon ay magbabago ang buhay ko. Hindi ko inakala na ganito pala ang mangyayari. Malaking pagbabago nga sa buhay ko ang hinihingi ng pagkakataong ito. Ngayon palang ay dama ko na. Dahil sa nangyari, marahil ay lumipat muna ko sa Laguna para masamahan si mama habang siya ay nagdadalamhati. Marahil dito na rin ako maghanap ng trabaho para sa katuparan naman ng pangarap ko. Lilipat ako para rin masamahan ang pamangkin ko habang naghahanap pa ng kapalit na yaya ang aking kapatid. Di pa kami nakakapag-usap ng masinsinan ni Mama kung paano ang balak niya. Naiwanan ang sasakyang walang magmamaneho. Malaki ang posibilidad na ako ang aatasan maging tigahatid at sundo ni Mama sa opisina. Ngunit kailangan ko pa matutunan magmaneho lagpas ng second gear. Umpisa palang ng taon ay malaking dagok na sa buhay ng mga kapamilya ko ang nangyari. Hindi ko pa tuloy alam kung paano ko pagagalawin ang buhay ko ngayon gawa ng di kanaisnais na pangyayari. Ipinagdadasal...

Akala ko kaya ko. Na madali lang harapin ang pangyayaring iyon na matatag at buo ang loob. Ngunit hindi rin pala ganoon kadali iyon. Hindi ko rin nagawang tatagan ang sarili ko. Akala ko kaya kong maging malakas para sa nanay ko, pero mahirap din pala lalo na kapag nakikita ko siyang umiiyak.  Di rin biro ang pinagdadaanan niya. Nawalan siya ng kasama sa buhay at kasama sa karera. Kaya malaking dagok ito sa kanyang buhay. Di ko ngayon alam kung ano ang dapat gawin. Ano nga ba ang masasabi mo sa isang taong nawalan ng kasama sa buhay? Ano nga ba ang masasabi mo sa isang taong nagdadalamhati? Ano nga ba? Napakahirap din pala.

Yesterday night, my friends and I went out for dinner. During our talk a friend suggested to share our year-end evaluations. Since I've already blogged about how my year went, I was quick to answer his question. His next topic was to complete the statement: 2012 taught me to.... I haven't really thought of the lessons or general theme of the closing year so I got to think about my answer. And here's what I shared. "2012 taught me to just keep on trying. Maybe I'll succeed, maybe I won't. No matter what the outcome may be, what's important is that I have tried that I have exerted effort to reach my dream. Even though I take things a day at a time, not really making long term plans, I still have goals for whatever opportunities and I would make every step to take advantage of that chance. I believe that it's better to have tried (in love, in career, and in life) than to regret not trying at all." So that's it. And with this, I end my 2012 ...

Pagkababa ko ng EDSA-Crossing, naisipan kong maglakad-lakad muna sa Greenfield District. Ibang-iba na talaga siya sa pagkakaalala ko dito noon. May parang park sa gitna tapos marami ng magagandang kainan. Tumotyal na talaga yung lugar. Sa park ang daming tao. Mga batang nagtatakbuhan, mga mag-syota naglalampungan at pamilyang nagpipicnic. Aba! Ginawang luneta ang totyal na park. Tapos may tumutugtog sa katapat ng The Hub. Instrumental. Flute at Piano. Puro Christmas songs. Ang ganda lang ng rendition nila. May jazz flair yung mga kanta. Sarap mag-stop and stare kaso wala namang taong nakatigil so gora lang ako sa paglalakad. Habang naglalakad na-gets ko tuloy kung bakit maraming magsyotang pinipiling tumambay lang sa park. Iba rin kasi yung feeling na kayo lang, naglalakad or magkatabing nakaupo. Staring at the moonlit sky. Tapos magkahawak ng kamay. Nakasandal yung ulo niya sa balikat mo. O di kaya, nakahiga ka sa hita niya. Hangsweet lang di ba? Ako naman si inggetero. Tseh...

Kausap ko kaninang hapon yung kaibigan ko. Nabanggit ko sa kanya na parang ngayon, di ko dama yung pasko. Parang dumating ang December na wala lang. Tapos sa susunod na linggo ay Pasko na. Eh ano naman. Parang walang pinagkaiba. Anong nangyari sa atin? wika ko sa kanya. Bumaba kami ng mall para pakinggan yung choir na kumakanta. Rockwell kasi yun kaya wala masyadong tumitigil para makinig. They're all busy with their sosy problems. Unlike, jologs like me na pag may libreng concert, manonood talaga. Sabi ko sa kaibigan ko. Sa mga ganitong pagkakataon lang - referring to hearing the choir sing - nararamdaman na pasko na nga. Siya naman daw naramdaman niyang pasko na nung magkasama kaming umiikot ng mall with matching picture-picture pa sa mga decors. Iba talaga kung bata ka sa ganitong panahon. Pinakaaabangan mo yung araw na sasapit kung saan dadami na naman ang iyong pera at regalo. Dalawang linggong bakasyon kung saan pwede kang pumunta kung saan mo gusto pumunta at gawin ano...

In a jeepney. Still on my struggle in finding my identity, a scene flashed backed in my head. Inside the bathroom. Just came home from a recurring one night stand.  I was taking a bath. All that was in my head was the thought of being dirty. I needed to clean myself thoroughly. I felt so dirty. So this is how someone raped must feel like, I thought. But I was not raped. Yet I felt so empty, so used. It felt like nothing good came out of that night. Though I had a moment of pleasure, it still wasn't what I needed. Maybe I have done it so many times that it wasn't as special as before. At some point, I grew tired of the same pattern. We meet. We eat. We go somewhere quiet. Or we drink. But as always, we end up in bed. I leave, he leaves, or we both leave separately. Maybe that's where my perception of love and relationship got messed up. At some point, I got fed up of being in this lifestyle / orientation. I got even more confused. If I am already sick of rods, does...

Inside a church, I saw two brothers. The older one looked like he was in his teens and his brother seemed he was just around eight. Then, another brother came along, he seemed to be a year or two younger than the older brother. Just like you and me.  Then it got me thinking, what would it be like if you were here? Would life be any different if I'd be an older brother? If you were here, I'd have a constant buddy in everything I wanted to do. We can go nature-tripping and be adventure junkies. We can drive around the city or even outside the city just because we're bored. I wouldn't have to look anywhere else for a companion because there you'll be in your room always ready to tag along. We could do all sort of things together. If you can play an instrument and me singing, we can form a band. We could excel in sports together and later be known in the community. We can enter showbiz together and be famous. We can party all night long and not care abo...

Saw two guys from my past today. It was just so unexpected meet them in those places. First was JM. As I was walking through the neighborhood streets, I saw a familiar figure walking towards my direction. I couldn't have been more certain that it was him. A sweet smile confirmed my guess. He just came from work and was just about to go home. Since it was the first time since we saw each other after so long, he decided to accompany me in my errands. While walking to different establishments, we were like our old selves again together - joking and teasing each other. It was just fun to see him again after both us became busy with our lives. And as we walked further, it was apparent that our relationship stayed the same after months of not speaking and seeing each other. It's as if nothing changed. And I was glad it was like that.  Then I realize, this is what I want. Maybe with him or not. Who knows. I just want to have somebody who can be my best bud in public and in the...

We remember those who went ahead of us. May their souls celebrate with our Creator and watch over us always.

I've already thought of this topic two weeks ago but I can't seem to put into words the things that I want to say. I wanted to  provide an argument - based on Church doctrines and scriptures - on what Christianity thinks of homosexuality. But I'm not really articulate and I struggle with words. So I'll just leave it to the writers to give you that. Plus, there's a lot of sites in the internet about this topic. So, what exactly do I want to say? Well, I mentioned earlier that I thought of this topic two weeks ago. It happened when I attended a catholic charismatic group's program. At that time I was kind of missing something in my life. And I knew what or who that is. It was Jesus. I had been missing celebrating mass during Sundays and I haven't turned to God for a long time. I just wondered, can a guy like me - with this urges and thoughts - join a religious group and not feel any hypocrisy? Is there such a thing as gay christian? I know J...

The other night, I met a blogger for the first time. We had a dose of coffee and conversation. Most of the topics that came up were about love and relationships, topics which I seldom talk to someone because I have limited confidante. Anyway, in the conversation, some of the beliefs and principles I that live by came up.  Find someone who complements you and not someone who'll complete you. Love yourself first before you can love others. Love should bring out the best in you and not the worst in you. Sa pag-ibig kapag may sumuko na, ibig sabihin nito tapos na ang relasyon. (syempre, you should fight for it first. pero pag di naman talaga nag-work out, dapat ng sumuko) Guard your heart. Don't give yourself wholly to a person. Leave some for yourself. Kung kayo talaga para sa isa't isa, kayo talaga sa huli. Kapag nagawa niyang saktan ka o lokohin ka once, malamang mauulit din yun. Once trust is lost or tainted it's hard to regain or mend. Basic lang naman tala...

Indeed, I have leveled up. Officially, I'm at level 26! Wuhoo! Last year, I spent the first day of my twenty-sixth year at the highest peak in the Philippines, and today I closed the year quietly here at our house. This past year has been very memorable for me. A lot of things have happened that have made me stronger and wiser. New places conquered. New profession. New learning. Strengthened bonds.Love found and lost. New friendships. Truly, a lot to be thankful for. All I can do now is cherish all that happened to me this past year and still be hopeful for the coming year. Here's to success and surprises! :) *dear, there's always two sides of the story.

While browsing through YouTube's full length animated Marvel movies, I stumbled upon a short film entitled 'Closet.' By just looking at the title and thumbnail, I instantly knew what the story was all about. And I was right. It was a story of boy living the life of a closeted gay. Quite ordinary, actually. A lot of movies have already portrayed this kind of story line. But this film had a different way of attacking it. The boy was literally hiding his secret life in his closet. "In here, we are safe..." It was one of the subtitles in the movie. It stuck in my mind because personally, it think it is the main reason why gaymen stay inside their closets - they feel safe. And for me, it holds true. I feel that living in the closet guards me from ridicule, embarrassment, prejudice, and other ill feelings. In my closet, I am safe. I love how the movie portrayed the closet as the character's sanctum. Inside his closet, he was free. He can be whoever h...

In light with what happened in the last months, I can't help but to reflect on this stage of life that we would all have to go through - death. ****** On consoling and mourning - I really don't know how to act in this kind of situation. I don't know what I should do or what I should say to someone who just lost somebody. All I can say is a simple 'how are you.' I have gone to two wakes last month. The first one was in the wake of my friend's father and the next was in a  friend's grandmother's. All I did was to ask my friends how their relatives died. Then they will go on and narrate the events that lead to their relatives' death. After that we continue to converse about our current lives. I don't know if I should be giving words of encouragement or inspiration. Actually, if I do want to share some words of wisdom, I can't cause I don't know what to say to someone grieving. I don't know what they are feeling and I don...

Lumabas ako ng pinto nang hindi pa rin makapaniwala sa aking narinig. Naglakad patungo sa kalsada na di mawari kung ano ang dapat isipin. Tulala at lito, tangan ko ang mga gamit, niyayapos ito nang mahigpit. Sa gilid ng kalsada, nag-abang ng masasakyan, hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ang dapat gagawin. Di pa rin matanggap ang malabangungot na balita.

If someone asks me that today, I don't think I could answer that easily. Honestly, I don't even like that question. I'm like, why do you have to ask? Why do you have to know? Well that's just in my mind. I don't actually say it. But you get my point, right? Why do people need to ask it anyway? Would their lives be different to know the answer? Would there be world peace if I would affirm their suspicion?

Lately, I've been thinking of coming out. It's like I want to free of myself of the burden of keeping my identity a secret. But before I come out, I just have some personal conditions I need to accomplish first. I won't be doing these things just to earn people's approval on my lifestyle but more for me being comfortable in the path I've chosen to live.

Recently, ang dami-dami ko ng pangarap na gustong maabot. Dati rati ay kuntento na ko kung nasaan ako. Masaya na ko sa mediocre job with mediocre pay. Di pa nga umabot sa 5 digits ang sweldo ko, pero ayus lang sa akin. Single naman ako at walang binubuhay. Nabibili ko naman ang ilang bagay na nakakaapagpasaya sa akin. At nakakakain naman ako 3-5 times a day. Simple lang naman ako. Masaya kung anong meron ako. Kahit kelan di na ko naghangad ng marangyang buhay at malaking sweldo.

This week's episode of Glee struck a chord with me. The show tackled bullying and teen suicide. Karofsky was bullied by everyone from his school for being gay. He was attacked personally and through cyberspace. What pushed him over the edge was the word "FAG" written on his locker. I am still in the closet, and am not planning to come out anytime soon because of a number of reasons, primarily  for the fear of being ostracized. But I do feel for the character. For being in the situation where everything seemed to be hopeless, and that the only way out was to take away his own life.