Closet Clutters

Feeling loved and inspired, I ask my friends, who are in long-term, serious relationships, how and when they realized that their partners were the ones. Here are their answers: 1) "You don't know. You feel . Nagkakasundo kami palagi. And we have similar tastes." 2) " I just felt it . Despite everything that happened to us, we still chose each other . I just knew it. Tapos nagising na lang din ako isang araw na nung nakita ko siya pagkagising ko na katabi ko siya eh iba na yung feeling ko." 3) "Pasok siya sa criteria ko na kailangan lagi ako chinachat. Kaya nga until now lagi pa rin kami magkachat kahit nakatira na kami sa iisang bahay. Pinakaimportante dapat damang dama mo na gustong gusto ka niya.: 4) " Hindi niya ako iniwanan in my lowest point . He's one of the people na napaka-pure ng intention. Love personified." 5) " I just knew somehow .Yung di ako mahihiya ipakilala sa mga tao. Yung di na ako kailangan magtago." 6) "Sig...

Sa madaling salita, paano iuwi si Mamon [noon]? Bago ko simulan ang pagbalik-tanaw, sagutin ko muna yung tanong ninyo marahil na 'anong kalibugan na naman ito?' Pramis, di [lang] libog ito. Napadaan kasi ko sa SOGO sa North Edsa kanina kaya may bigla lang akong naalala. ("Napadaan," ibig sabihin ay dumaan yung bus na sinakyan ko,) Kaya ito ang ilang maiksing kwentong kaladkarin ni Mamon. "Saan ka? Kape tayo. Sunduin kita." - Kung saan ang "kape" ay nangahulugan ng libreng kape, libreng kwentuhan at libreng espadahan. "Sa amin ka na muna tumuloy, uwi ka na lang kinabukasan. Walang masasakyan papunta sa inyo pauwi. Gabi na." - Kung saan natulog ako sa bahay nila sa probinsya nang wala sa plano" "Masakit kasi balakang ko ngayon, punta ka dito. Tignan mo nga kung ano problema." - Nang nagamit ang aking propesyon para sa init ng katawan "Pansin mo di kita pauuwiin. Mag-check-in tayo ah"...

That moment he said he wanted to tell me something, I already knew what it was. I guess it's that feeling that you know what the other one feels. It's like your hearts are in synced and you're just waiting for the other one to confirm your suspicion. Nasabi ko na ba sa'yo na... Na ano? Na mahal kita?... Lost for words, all I could do was reply with a tight hug and a hundred kisses. Our hearts were one in feeling the same thing. We were in love. I love you too, I finally replied. A hundred kisses and tight hugs followed. They say, often you have to choose between someone you love or someone who loves you. That's why I feel lucky to have that guy who loves me the same way that I love him.

"You did break up. But you guys are back together now. I won't dwell on what happened or ask why or who did what. I'm just curious. What was it that you felt or heard from someone, or saw that made you realize that getting back together was the best thing to do?" I forgot to ask that to my friend who after breaking up with his boyfriend is now back in each others arms. They seemed to be sincerely happy in their relationship. So i guess there's truth in the saying " love is sweeter the second time around. " But there's another school of thought in break-ups. And this is something I generally believe in. They say that you should never get back with your ex because there's a great chance that what caused your break-up is still there - may it be an attitude, a feeling, or an underlying issue, it's bound to be brought up eventually. So now I wonder, if there's such a thing as reconciliation, what could be the circumstances that ...

"Given the chance to go back in time, would you try to change what you did or still do the same and take the risk?" "Siguro, I'll still do the same. Naging masaya naman... Yeah, I'll do the same." May gusto pa akong itanong sa kanya noong tanghaling iyon. Gusto kong itanong kung ang kasayahan na naranasan niya noon ay higit pa sa nararanasan niyang kalungkutan ngayon. Ngunit pinigilan ko na ang sarili ko. Ang nangingilid na luha sa kanyang mga mata ang tila sumagot sa katanungan ko. Dama ko ang katotohanan sa kanyang mga salita. Ngunit dama ko rin ang kulungkutang di na niya kailangan sabihin. Nang araw na iyun ay naging taenga at balikat ako sa isang taong nagmahal at nasaktan. Isang taong sinuko ang lahat para sa kanyang mahal. Nang walang kasiguraduhan. Ngunit nang wala ring alinlangan. Bagamat ganoon man ang nangyari ay naging matatag pa rin siya sa pagharap sa buhay. Nagdurugo man ang puso at nalulungkot sa bawat gabing lumipas, pinipilit pa r...

Minsan pag nagkakaroon ka ng SO (significant other) or SS (special someone) sa buhay mo, di ninyo maiwasang magkaroon ng tawagan or pet names. Classic example nun ay love, darling, mahal, pangga, beau, boo, bubba at kung ano-ano pa. So papatalo ba ko. hehe DK - naging DK kasi pareho naming nickname sa bahay ay nagsisimula sa D, so ibig sabihin niyan ay D** Ko. oh di ba, baduy. haha simula pa lang yan. Han - derived from my other name. When he first texted me, and addressesed me with this name, I thought he was just lazy typing. So I replied with the same name, and everything started from there. Mahal - Ito yung wala lang maisip na tawagan kaya nakiuso na lang sa mahal-mahal na tawagan. Soulmate - Ang dami kasi naming things in common kaya napagtanto naming soulmates kami. Though he's miles away, may pagkakaintindihan kami somehow. At excited ako makilala siya nang personal, like super personal. haha Big / little bear - Okay, siguro madali ng isipin kung sino si big bear...

It's just something that I've been thinking of lately. Sex, I think, changes everything. For some, sex can be as casual as just having dinner together. Expecting nothing in return. Just contented with a night's pleasure and waking up in the morning with someone to cuddle. But for most people, including me (well, most of the time), post-sex is very crucial. It'll either make or break the relationship, even if it's just starting as friendship or dating. There's this guy who I like very much. We spent the night together in our first date. The night was very much enjoyable - and the things that happened. But come morning, it just went downhill. There were already disparity in our expectations which was mostly my fault. I have to admit, I really did something wrong. So now, the sweetness that once filled his messages became more generic and friendly. I'm still trying to turn things around with him. Trying to bring back what I wrecked. But, there's o...

when having sex, seek to pleasure yourself and not your partner Since I needed some distraction last night, I went out with my straight guy friends. Though there was no booze involved since liquor ban already started when we got to the fort, we just settled for a cup of coffee and some good ol' fashioned lafftrip conversation. Sometimes there were some bits of wisdom I heard from them. On kissing  having sex and telling: My friend had classified his friends into groups if ever they have sex: when both of them are game, either one of them is game when wasted (drunk or high), or both of them are game when wasted. When asked what the difference was, he said it's what can be told or be kept a secret. He keeps mum on his adventures when booze or drugs is involved. It belongs to the what-happens-in-stays-in category. Therefore, we, his friends, wouldn't hear about that story from him ever. On sex and pleasure: Another friend shared something he read when he was still in gr...

"Di ba kapag tapos na, pede na pag-usapan?" Matagal rin buhat noong huli naming pag-uusap. Marahil buwan na rin ang nakalipas nang kami ay magkita at magsama. Ngunit ang sandaling oras na nakapag-usap kami kamakailan ay nagdala ng kalinawan para sa aming dalawa. Nagkakilala kami sa isang inuman. Naimbita lang ako ng isang kaibigan dahil malapit lang naman ako kung saan sila umiinom. Bilang ako ang bago, Siya ang naging kausap ko sa buong gabi dahil di na rin ako maasikaso ng kaibigan ko dala ng kalasingan. Naging mabait naman siya sa akin, pala-kausap, pala-biro, at pala-kwento. Mga katangian kung bakit naging magaan na agad ang loob ko sa kanya. Naging malapit kami sa isa't isa na umabot sa paglabas-labas naming dalawa lang. Pamamasyal sa mall, panonood ng sine, pagkain sa labas, at pagsiping. Naramdaman namin ang pagkagusto namin sa isa't isa ng mga oras na iyon. Ngunit di rin kami nagkatuluyan. Nagkalimutan ng sandali sa pag-uusap hanggang sa araw na iy...

"Nahiya ako sa'yo kasi hinawakan ko kamay mo.." Ang tahimik lang niya nang nakilala ko siya noon. Sa ingay at gulo ng paligid, kasama na ang walang humpay na kwentuhan ng barkada, ay sa kanya lang ako napapatitig lagi. Unang pagkakataon ko lang siya nakita noon. Sinama siya ng isang kaibigan sa lakad para ipakilala. Wala namang kakaibang nangyari noong kami ay kumain ng hapunan hanggang sa konting pulutan. Nagkataon naman na kami ay magkatabi habang tuloy ang tawanan at kwentuhan sa may hapag-kainan, kasabay ng saliw ng musika galing sa isang kumakanta sa videoke. Tinibayan ko ang aking sarili. Naging matapang at mapangahas ako nang idinikit ko ang tuhod ko sa hita niya. Naghihintay ako ng pag-iwas ng kanyang hita ngunit di iyon nangyari. Bagkos kumuyakoy pa siya at pakiramdam ko'y may konting pagdiin mula sa hita niya. Itinuloy ko ang aking kapangahasan, habang nakipag-usap at nagke-kwento ay bahagya o sandali ko naman pinapatong ang kamay ko sa hita...

As of publish time, kahahatid ko lang kay... itago na lang natin sa pangalang.. Tol sa sakayan. (back story here .) Nanggaling siya dire sa bahay namin at dito na siya nagpalipas ng kaunting oras matapos ang aming munting lakad kagabi. Ang plano kagabi ay magpunta sa Fair upang makipagsaya at dun magpalipas ng araw ng mga puso. Pag dating namin sa lugar ay sandamukal ang tao sa may main entrance. Makikita ang isang mahabang pila para sa tickets at tatlong mas mahabang pila pa para sa entrance. Bilang alas nuebe na iyon ng gabi ay nagpasya kami na kumain na lamang sa Technohub. Doon ay nagkwentuhan kami habang nagsasalo sa lechon at lechong paksiw. Gusto ko sanang itanong sa kanya yung tungkol sa mga text message namin, at sa mga subtle hints noong kami ay nag-overnight. Pero syempre baka assuming lang ako kaya pinigilan ko ng itanong. Nang nasa bus na kami pauwi (lintik na bus yan, puro na lang sa bus :p) hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. Symepre humawak na rin ako nang mahigpit...

Naalala ko lang Noong tumatawid tayo ng kalsada. Kumakanta ako habang naglalakad Ayaw mo pala ng ganoon. Nainis ka. Natatawa lang ako kasi nakakatuwa ka. Naalala ko lang Noong nanonood ako ng Showtime Ang lakas ng tawa ko Dinig mo pala sa banyo Natawa ka lang sa akin. Mababaw naman talaga kaligayahan ko Naalala ko lang Noong nakasakay tayo ng bus Magkahawak tayo ng kamay Dama ko ang malambot mong palad Nasiyahan naman ako May lambing ka pala kahit papaano Naalala ko lang Noong magkatabi tayo sa kama Magyakap lang tayo pagkagising Gusto ko lang noon ng kayakap Gusto mo rin pala Pakipot ka pa, arteh mo. Naalala ko lang Yung pabangong naiwan sa leeg mo Inaarbor ko yun, ayaw mo naman Sarap lang amoy-amuyin. Naalala ko lang. Ang sarap lang balikan yung mga pangyayaring nakapagpaligaya sa atin, mga bagay na nakapagbigay ng ngiti sa atin, at mga taong nagpasaya sa atin habang tayo ay kanilang kapiling. Magpapasalamat ka na la...

Mahilig akong makiramdam. Siguro dala na rin ng pagiging dominantly observer personality ko kaya ganoon. Mahilig ako makiramdam sa paligid at sa mga tao. Pinagmamasdan ang bawat kilos, bawat kumpas ng kampay, ngiti at tingin. Minsa'y napapangiti rin ako sa aking mga nakikita. Marami ka kasing matutuklasan sa isang tao kahit sa pakikiramdam lamang. Minsa'y mali ang mga inferences ko ngunit mas madalas namang tama. Empathy nga raw ang strongest trait ko. I'm best in understanding how others feel daw to the point of feeling what they are feeling. Saktong sakto nga sa propesyon ko sa larangan ng medisina. Pakiramdam. Feel. Touch. Ano nga ba meron dito. Aaminin kong mahilig ako sa skin contact. Akap. Akbay. Hold hands. Shake hands. Bro hug. Ganyan. Iba kasi 'yung pakiramdam. Parang ang intimate kasi. Sabi nga nila touch or the sensation of someone touching you releases Serotonin in your circulation. The neurotransmitter Serotonin is responsible in alleviating depress...

Pagkababa ko ng EDSA-Crossing, naisipan kong maglakad-lakad muna sa Greenfield District. Ibang-iba na talaga siya sa pagkakaalala ko dito noon. May parang park sa gitna tapos marami ng magagandang kainan. Tumotyal na talaga yung lugar. Sa park ang daming tao. Mga batang nagtatakbuhan, mga mag-syota naglalampungan at pamilyang nagpipicnic. Aba! Ginawang luneta ang totyal na park. Tapos may tumutugtog sa katapat ng The Hub. Instrumental. Flute at Piano. Puro Christmas songs. Ang ganda lang ng rendition nila. May jazz flair yung mga kanta. Sarap mag-stop and stare kaso wala namang taong nakatigil so gora lang ako sa paglalakad. Habang naglalakad na-gets ko tuloy kung bakit maraming magsyotang pinipiling tumambay lang sa park. Iba rin kasi yung feeling na kayo lang, naglalakad or magkatabing nakaupo. Staring at the moonlit sky. Tapos magkahawak ng kamay. Nakasandal yung ulo niya sa balikat mo. O di kaya, nakahiga ka sa hita niya. Hangsweet lang di ba? Ako naman si inggetero. Tseh...

Whenever I have this feeling, Citybuoy's literary piece comes to mind - Never Yours . (If you haven't had the time to read it, now is the best time to do so.) However, I'm no master storyteller. I can't whip up a great storyline from an emotion or experience. But I do feel. So I'll just write whatever it is that I feel. Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I can't feel jealous. He's never mine. I wanna be happy.. I AM happy for him. I would just like to think that it was just never meant to be. The truth is, I am not ready. I think I'm not. He's just better off without me. I would just like to think I'm no good for him. Maybe I'm good for someone else but not him. Rationalizing, I am. But that's life. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I did feel a little jealous. But why should I, he's never mine. Confused. Awkward. Insanely uncomf...

Taking off from my drunk tipsy headache-driven post earlier this morning (which I reverted back to draft), I wonder: Is the past of a person really important to know? Do past loves, exploits, and heartaches have bearing on the present one? I really love this short film because they handled the question "how many have you loved?" so maturely. Some people when asked that, even me, would be defensive. But the story gave such a romantic treatment to the situation. As for my question earlier, I guess it depends on the intention of the question and the manner of answering. Props to  WongFu Productions for another brilliant masterpiece!

"Don't text me anymore.."I finally said to him.  I therefore conclude that ex-lovers cannot be friends unless they were friends before they became lovers. I guess it's hard to move on after a break up if you and your ex are still keeping in touch. There would be days where you can say that you have already moved on being busy with work and other aspects of your life. But the moment you receive a text message from him like simple hi's or "musta," it all comes back even though you don't want to, but it just does. Love doesn't disappear just like that. Love, if it was really love or if there was a sincere genuine care, it will surely linger. Anyway, in my case, it did linger. And every time he sends me a text message, I still feel the same giddy feeling I had when we were still together. But along with that same giddiness is the same feeling of mistrust and disappointment I felt then. It's not just love that lingers, hurt from...

Looking at him sound asleep beside me, I reflected on the night's events. "Ikaw. Ikaw bahala. Ikaw mag-decide." These were the words that resonated in my head. Words which happen to be one of the many pet peeves I have. In most of the people I've been with, which are not so many, I seldom if not rarely decide on matters. I usually just agree to suggestions and go with the flow because I am younger. But now, in this relationship, I am the older half. And somehow I am kind of just getting used to the idea. The idea of making decisions for us, for the both of us. I don't care who take's the lead in our relationship, I just wish I don't get to choose for him all the time.

Two things I can say to two different people. I wish you were here.   That's what I always say to him. Wish you're here by my side, holding you all night. Wish you're here watching TV with me until we both fall asleep. Wish you're here beside me as we both wake up in the morning. Wish you're here and always. I wish you the best. That's what I want to say to him. Wish you the best in all your endeavors. Wish you all the best in your plans for the future. It may not be the right time for us or we may not be the right person for each other. We've already tried it once, and I think it was enough. Sincerely and genuinely, I wish you the best.