What if you were here


Inside a church, I saw two brothers. The older one looked like he was in his teens and his brother seemed he was just around eight. Then, another brother came along, he seemed to be a year or two younger than the older brother. Just like you and me. 

Then it got me thinking, what would it be like if you were here? Would life be any different if I'd be an older brother?

If you were here, I'd have a constant buddy in everything I wanted to do. We can go nature-tripping and be adventure junkies. We can drive around the city or even outside the city just because we're bored. I wouldn't have to look anywhere else for a companion because there you'll be in your room always ready to tag along.

We could do all sort of things together. If you can play an instrument and me singing, we can form a band. We could excel in sports together and later be known in the community. We can enter showbiz together and be famous. We can party all night long and not care about the world. We can start a business from what we are passionate about. We can go to the gym together and look all sexy. Girls (and guys) would fall head over heels for us. We would be each other's biggest competition which would motivate us to be the best.

If you were here, we could explore puberty together. It's more fun to have someone to compare things with and experience things with. I could teach you a thing or two, or maybe you'll do all the teaching. It'll be like comparing notes and maybe more.

If you were here, even though dad is not participatory in our family, I would still have all the male-love I can have from you. You'll be my brother, bestfriend, and partner-in-crime. We would be inseperable. And we could bully our older sister all day and all night long.

But I wonder if things would have been different if your're here. Would I still be me? The smart, kind, gentle son that I am now. The favorite of the family. Or would I fall into the stereotype of a middle child - the rebel, disrespectful, arrogant. 

I wonder if I would still turn out the same way. Would I be in this same lifestyle, same orientation? Perhaps not.Perhaps, I would have taken the big brother role and protect my siblings. I would have defended you from bullies and taught you how to be a man since our father couldn't.

If I'd be the same, would you accept me for who I am? I want to think so, and you'd be cool about it. We'd still do guy stuff, or you'll teach me sports, cars, and all that shiznit.

I wonder if you'd turn out to be like me. If you did, just like me, then we could grow more closer. Having someone close to you, guide you through the process is such a big deal. It's hard enough to go through it in a homophobic environment, let alone experience it on your own.

I bet life would have been easier if you're here. I bet our family would have been still together if you're here. I bet I would be less lonely knowing I have someone to lean on for strength. 

I really wish you're still here. 

Photo from here.
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Whenever we feel tensed, our instinct is to relieve it. We don't want to hold on to it because we know that if we do so, what little tension we feel at the beginning will build up. And later on, once it becomes so big we won't be able to control or bear with it, and we will just explode.

And what are these that cause tension? Most likely, it's stress from work or the anxiety from deadlines. There's also pressure from different aspects of our lives - family, friends, school, work, love life. These stressors keep our bodies contracted - our shoulders shrugged, wrist clenched, back tightened, toes curled. Not allowing our muscles to loosen up and relax results to poor performance.

Like what I've said earlier, we immediately want to relieve the tension before it becomes problematic. What do we do? We relax. Have a break. Go on a vacation. Meet up with friends. Do just anything that puts our minds away from thinking about work. So that when we do return to our routine, we can start fresh and energized.

Now that we have that out of the way, let's now go to sexual tension. Do we relieve it immediately or wait 'til the right time?

Did you ever feel like when you meet a person for the first time that there's an unexplainable vibe of attraction and lust between the two of you? And you're just dying to find out if that tension can lead to some chemistry in bed?

When I was young, I thought that it's requisite for any relationship to begin with sleeping together because I thought that it's the only way to be close with someone. I thought that getting to know a person comes after spending the night together. Looking at those I did shared a night or two together, most of them still remained to be some of my closest friends. I guess we charged our follies to youth, curiosity, and raging hormones. Therefore, I later thought that it shouldn't be that way.

However, there's still a small part of me that says it's better to relieve the sexual tension at the beginning to rid of distraction from getting to know the person beyond the superficial. Here's my logic behind that. When you meet a person you have the hots for, all you can think of is how good that person is in bed or how sexy he is or how wild he is. But once you get over that question with some bing-bam-boom, you can now focus on the more important things like, what he likes doing, or what he's into, and where he usually goes.

On the other hand, base on experience, there some downside to early relief of sexual tension. If one finds the sex so much better than the other things like dating, then in no time you two will turn into sex partners /  fuck buddies / jack-off buddies. Some may even lose interest early on because they would feel that they have already succeeded in their "conquest."

But I guess it all depends on the intention of both parties. They can get things over with at the beginning so that they can enjoy a sincere friendship afterwards (and just have something-something on the side); or first, get to know each other better to build up tension and have an explosive first night together.

What do you think?

photo from here
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If it was just me and him...

Nako kung siya lang at ako ang nasa room kanina, malamang di ko na talaga napigilan sarili ko. Baka nahubaran ko na siya ng tuluyan.

Kasi ba naman bigla-biglang magbaba ng shorts at brief. Well gilid lang naman. Parang ganyan oh. Isipin niyo lang may t-shirt at shorts.

Pero kahit na. Konting baba pa ay kitang kita na ang singit niya. (Singit na ata yung nakita ko e) Pati pubes. Mukhang di naman siya balbon. Kaya siguro wala ko masyado nakita. Or nag-aahit siya. Haays. My imagination.

May susukatin lang dapat ako sa hita niya nang walang ano-ano, habang ako ay nakaupo at siya naman ay nakatayo at nakaharap sa akin, biglang binaba ang shorts.

Pasensya na at naulit. Di pa rin kasi ako makapaniwala na wala pang isang dipa ang layo ng crotch niya sa face ko nung gawin niya yun e.

Manukso ba kasi.

Kulang na lang ngumanga ako at maglaway.

Grabe lang. Ako naman yung nawalan ng composure. For a moment nag-lag ako, iniisip ko na ako na lang ang hahawak at magbababa. Pero nung nahimasmasan. Umiwas naman ako baka kasi ma-obvious na pinagnanasaan ko siya.

Grabe talaga. Di ko talaga maalis sa isip ko yung moment na yun. Maputi. Malinis. Lean. Toned. 17 % body fat.

Haay. Shet. And that smile. That boyish smile.

Haays. Bakit ba kasi nataranta ako agad e. tsk.

Iyon lang naman. Ang highlight ng life ko. Kung sa MMK siguro to, ang title ng episode ngayon ay... "SINGIT"
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Is it just me, or did he just do what I think he did?


I was with some friends that time. At the street as we were all having a conversation, I noticed, through my peripheral vision, three men approaching. They're tall, lean yuppies wearing what looked like uniforms, their polo barongs. They were all good looking. When they walked behind me, I tried to subtly turn my head and follow them. But when I turned my head to the other side, I saw my guy friend's eye looking, no, staring at the three tall yuppies. I just returned my head and smiled. I felt like my suspicion were validated. But later on, when we all went our separate ways, I wondered,was that really a validation rooted from my wishful thinking or do guys check other guys out?

I have asked my girl friends if they check other girls out too. Almost all of them said yes. They do so because  (1) they find the girl's dress / outfit / accessories interesting, (2) they want to check the competition, or (3) they want to feel good about themselves by finding flaws from other girls. Guys check out girls for obvious reasons, and most of the time it's sex-related. But can / do straight guys check out / look at guys without malice? I mean head-turning, eyeball-rolling stare.

I don't want to out him if in case my gaydar is correct. It's just that sometimes you just wish there's someone close who understands what you feel. I guess it would be nice to know someone who's rooting for the same team.

photo from here.
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Ghost of boys-in-my-life past


Saw two guys from my past today. It was just so unexpected meet them in those places.

First was JM. As I was walking through the neighborhood streets, I saw a familiar figure walking towards my direction. I couldn't have been more certain that it was him. A sweet smile confirmed my guess. He just came from work and was just about to go home. Since it was the first time since we saw each other after so long, he decided to accompany me in my errands. While walking to different establishments, we were like our old selves again together - joking and teasing each other. It was just fun to see him again after both us became busy with our lives. And as we walked further, it was apparent that our relationship stayed the same after months of not speaking and seeing each other. It's as if nothing changed. And I was glad it was like that.  Then I realize, this is what I want. Maybe with him or not. Who knows. I just want to have somebody who can be my best bud in public and in the company of people but my sweetest lover when we're alone.

Next was D. As I alighted from an FX near a well-known mall in Ortigas, I saw a guy walk towards me. He had style, so my gazed followed as he walked pass me. And who to follow him was my first ex looking down as if hiding his face. I stared at him and waited for him to look at me and say "hi." When he did look, it was just the most weird and awkward moment. I greeted him and stopped for a while, awaiting a quick chit-chat. However, he just continued to walk faster and just nodded and waved his hand so awkwardly. At first, I thought it was funny because it seemed like that he was on a date and the sight of the exes talking wouldn't count as an awesome first date. But when I walked inside the mall, scene from the previous awkward encounter keeps on replaying in my head. I got annoyed and pissed off. I was like, "where the F*** did that come from?!" And there was a text message that he sent me hours later that got me all steamed up again. Then I realize, there was really a reason why we broke up, and this was it. Valid and reasonable. And most of the time, there's no use in reconciling with an ex because you can expect that what he was then will most likely be what he still is.

They say that in order to move on to another chapter in your life, you should not go over the previous chapters. But on the other hand, it's in reviewing the past that we discover the secret for our present lives. Yesterday's failure is today's success.
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Tweeps on Top


At natuloy din ang akyat namin ni Heyoshua yesterday. Di ba I was talking about trekking again in one of my previous posts. Hayan, ginawa na namin. Todo sa pawis pero todo naman sa bawi sa picture-picture. Sa Mt. Gulugod Baboy nga pala ito sa Anilao Batangas. At dahil successful naman ang climb, inisip naming ulitin 'to. At tulad naman din dati open naman ang akyat kung sino gusto sumama. The more the merrier, di ba. 
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Makakatikim na naman ako ng inipit mula sa Eurobake. Naku, kapag bibisita kami sa mga kamag-anak namin sa Bulacan, lagi kaming may pasalubong nito. Mahilig kasi ako sa tinapay at matatamis. So it's always a treat to have this as we go back home. Before, the filling was thicker. It was more fun to eat it. Pero tulad ng former favorite kong burger, nagbago na rin ito. Still, it was  nice to see the store still alive after all these years. I hope my children can still enjoy their delicious delicacies. 
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Former Favorite

Dati super favorite ko ang Bacon Mushroom Melt. Kumpara mo sa Champ or BigMac, mas gusto ko parin ito. Naka-styro tapos served hot pa. Talagang melt.

Pero simula nang nagmahal ang Wendy's, nagbago na rin ang BMM. Lumiit na siya. Numipis ang patty. Nagbago na rin ang lasa ng buns niya.

Nung nag-order ako kanina ulit nito, mejo na-disappoint ako. Di na talaga siya tulad ng dati. Di nito na-trigger ang childhood memories ko. Happy memories with BMM. Sayang. Na-miss ko na ang Bacon Mushroom Melt...
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We Remember


We remember those who went ahead of us. May their souls celebrate with our Creator and watch over us always.
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