Closet Clutters

Noong isang araw habang palakad-lakad ako mag-isa sa mall, napag-isip-isip ko: "paano ba style ko noon 'pag gusto kong magtanggal ng init?" Ngayon kasi parang kailangan o mas maganda yung may magtatanggal noon para sa'yo 'di ba. Paano ba ako noon? Noon, masaya na ko magjakol mag-isa. 'Yung parang may sariling buhay yung etits mo at titigas na lang siya nang kusa kaya no-choice ka kung hindi magbate. Tapos naka-tengga ka lang sa bahay, sa kwarto mo, kaya sa tuwing titigas si Junjun, parang pilit ka pang magjakol para lumambot siya. You'll be like, " You're hard again! Jeez!" Noon solb na ko sa literotika, sa mga kwentong malilibog. Kahit walang picture, basta hindi jejemon yung pagkakasulat tsaka maayos yung sentence construction, pwede na pagjakulan. Alala ko pa nga, isang beses, sa sobrang libog ko sa binabasa ko, nilabasan ako nang hindi ko hinahawakan etits ko. Pramis! Mabaog man ako. Doon ko lang napatunayan na pure libog and ima...

I remember my initial reaction - sincere happiness. I was happy for him, for having found that one special person he would love; someone he won't grow tired loving. And most especially, I was happy that he is happy. But later on, I can't help but feel sad, sad that he is someone else's love; sad that it wasn't me. But mostly because I felt sorry for myself believing that we can be together, that there can be us. This happened a long time ago. I had a crush on him the moment I saw his face. And I began to like him more as we get to spend more time with each other. He was good-looking, cool and very much masculine; traits that are a huge turn-on to me. I told myself that there is no way this guy would like someone like me. So I just settled to being his friend. That way, I can still be close to him. But there came a time when things went further than friendship, well, at least that's what I thought it did. Something happened between us. I was hesitant a...

Yan ang kadalasang tanong sa akin ng mga taong nakakasalamuha ko. Minsan wala lang para sa akin. Minsan kinakabahan ako dahil baka naghihinala na sila sa aking pagkatao. Minsan nama'y naiinis na ko sa pagtatanong nila nang paulit-ulit para bang nanghihimasok na sa buhay ko. Siyempre ang mga nagtatanong nito sa akin ay iyong mga taong iniisip pa rin nila ay straight ako - mga kamag-anak, mga kaibigang lalaki at babaeng, mga katrabaho, at mga kakilala sa simbahan. Sa dalas na natatanong yan sa akin, hindi ko na pinag-iisapan sila ng masama kung bakit biglang natanong nila 'yon. Kaya sa lahat ng nagtatanong sa akin, isa na lang ang sagot ko. "Career muna bago girlfriend." Straight man o hindi, valid naman din para sa akin iyong dahilan ko. Bakit? Una, ayaw ko munang pumasok sa isang relasyon nang hindi ako panatag kung pera ang pag-uusapan. Ayaw ko yung sa tuwing lalabas kayo, iisipin mo kung saan makakatipid o kung ano ang pedeng gawin sa limitadong bud...

Before they've been labeled as powers , I think they all went through a learning phase. Nobody can be experts on their first try, right? It takes practice to master any skill and develop a personal approach for each technique and position.   I remember the first time I was given some pointers by a former lover. I was such naive about certain things. When it came to the bed department, all I had was the one and only style I ever did to pleasure my partner. So having someone to mentor me and showing me the ropes widened my perspective on things you could do  in bed. It's good that you're willing to learn and try. But I guess it's far better if you're partner is also willing to learn and try as much as you do. The zeal in trying out things really spices up the relationship. I remember this guy I dated. He's really cool. One night, we wanted to try out something we haven't done before but nevertheless  very much willing to experience it. Two condoms and...

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We just came from a back-breaking, knee-shattering training. Alright, I'm just exaggerating  But it was really a tiring day full of drills and exercises. It was summer then and the heat didn't help in making our life easier that day. After dinner, we got settled in our bunk beds. All the double-deckers was filed side-by-side to accommodate more people. And since we were all guys there, there were no qualms in sleeping together. I decided to sleep on the top bed with another comrade. I never liked being in the bottom... bed, I mean. And yeah, in bed *wink*. As I was saying. I was on the top bed with someone in our team. He was on my left. On my right was someone from the other team, so never mind him. Going back to the story. I was always been curious with this teammate of mine. He was lean and slightly taller than me. Stories went around that he was gifted. He was even called Jake the Snake. And you know what they say about lean men: the leaner they are, t...

"Kung gusto mong makasigurado, gusto mo subukan natin." Isa siya sa mga classmates ko noong highschool. Marahil maihahanay natin siya sa mga magugulo at maiingay. Bully kung minsan at alam mong lalaking lalaki. Eto yung panahon na malakas na ang pakiramdam kong iba nga ako sa karamihan. Ngunit dahil sa posisyon ko sa paaralan at silid-aralan, di ko magawang ipahalata ito. Naging katabi ko siya ng upuan. Hindi yun nagkataon lamang dahil ako ang naataasang gumawa ng seating arrangement at sinadya ko talagang itabi siya sa akin. Gusto ko noong makilala siya ng lubusan kasi mukha naman siyang mabait kahit na gagago-gago siya minsan. Man-crush ata tawag doon ngayon. Tsaka inisip ko, kung mabarkada man ako sa kanya, baka matuto akong maging straight. Noong umpisa ay di kami masyadong nag-uusap. Ngayon lang naman kasi kami naging magkatabi kahit na pangalawang taon na naming maging magka-klase. Kinalaunan, nakakapag-usap na kame dahil sa mga seatwork at homewo...

Yesterday night, my friends and I went out for dinner. During our talk a friend suggested to share our year-end evaluations. Since I've already blogged about how my year went, I was quick to answer his question. His next topic was to complete the statement: 2012 taught me to.... I haven't really thought of the lessons or general theme of the closing year so I got to think about my answer. And here's what I shared. "2012 taught me to just keep on trying. Maybe I'll succeed, maybe I won't. No matter what the outcome may be, what's important is that I have tried that I have exerted effort to reach my dream. Even though I take things a day at a time, not really making long term plans, I still have goals for whatever opportunities and I would make every step to take advantage of that chance. I believe that it's better to have tried (in love, in career, and in life) than to regret not trying at all." So that's it. And with this, I end my 2012 ...

There are three JOHNS. 1) The REAL JOHN; known only to his Maker. 2) JOHN'S ideal JOHN; never the real one, and often very unlike him. 3) THOMAS' ideal JOHN; never the real John, nor John's John, but often very unlike either.  - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Autocrat of the Breakfast-table Throughout the course of our life, we try to discover who we really are. Because it is knowing who we are that we may know the things that could satisfy our every needs. But who among us can, without even an ounce of doubt, say that he truly knows his own self? In this very social world where one of our aims as residents of this world is to exist in harmony, we tend to create different personas to handle different characteristics and personalities we encounter in a daily basis. This reflex, sometimes voluntary action, is rooted in our ability to adapt to certain situations, especially if our survival is at stake. However, in doing so, we create different layers that unconsciously hi...

In a jeepney. Still on my struggle in finding my identity, a scene flashed backed in my head. Inside the bathroom. Just came home from a recurring one night stand.  I was taking a bath. All that was in my head was the thought of being dirty. I needed to clean myself thoroughly. I felt so dirty. So this is how someone raped must feel like, I thought. But I was not raped. Yet I felt so empty, so used. It felt like nothing good came out of that night. Though I had a moment of pleasure, it still wasn't what I needed. Maybe I have done it so many times that it wasn't as special as before. At some point, I grew tired of the same pattern. We meet. We eat. We go somewhere quiet. Or we drink. But as always, we end up in bed. I leave, he leaves, or we both leave separately. Maybe that's where my perception of love and relationship got messed up. At some point, I got fed up of being in this lifestyle / orientation. I got even more confused. If I am already sick of rods, does...

Taking off from my last entry, I was feeling kinda adventurous one night. I took a leak in a comfort room in a mall in Mandaluyong. It was one of those comfort rooms on a floor with less traffic. I immediately felt the tension inside as I entered the room. I went straight to the last cubicle and didn't bother to close it shut. After pissing, as I've said, felt adventurous. I haven't done anything naughty inside a public restroom before. So there I went. There was a certain excitement knowing that someone might come in maybe join or watch me. I was almost close to coming when I heard the door open slowly. I stopped for a while and tried to sense if I had company. I turned my head and there's no one there. Somewhat relieved that I was still alone, I tucked in my junk inside my pants and went out the cubicle. As I approached the door, I could see three men handwashing and two men drying their hands. I just smiled and said audibly: "may conference ba?" :) I...

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