What 2012 taught me..

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Yesterday night, my friends and I went out for dinner. During our talk a friend suggested to share our year-end evaluations. Since I've already blogged about how my year went, I was quick to answer his question. His next topic was to complete the statement: 2012 taught me to....

I haven't really thought of the lessons or general theme of the closing year so I got to think about my answer. And here's what I shared.

"2012 taught me to just keep on trying. Maybe I'll succeed, maybe I won't. No matter what the outcome may be, what's important is that I have tried that I have exerted effort to reach my dream. Even though I take things a day at a time, not really making long term plans, I still have goals for whatever opportunities and I would make every step to take advantage of that chance. I believe that it's better to have tried (in love, in career, and in life) than to regret not trying at all."

So that's it. And with this, I end my 2012 with my 100th post for the year. Here's to a hundred more next year!

Friends, I'd love for you to share what 2012 taught you.. :) Cheers to us!
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Sa Pagtatapos ng Taon

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Too-Ow-Wan-Too

Ang saya rin ng naging taon na ito. Kahit na wala masyadong gala o outdoor activities o active lifestyle keme (nahawa na ko sa mga kaibigan ko, hehe), naging maayos at makabuluhan pa rin ang taon.

Pasado!

May dalawa akong mga exams na kinuha noong simula ng taon. Awa ng Diyos nakapasa naman ako sa pareho. Kahit di ko pa dama ang epekto ng pagpasa ko sa exams na yun ngayon, masaya pa rin ako na nagbunga rin ang mga paghihirap ko sa pag-aaral para dun.

Pagkabigo.

Sabi nga nila, subok lang nang subok. Try lang nang try. Go lang nang go. Kaya marami akong sinubukan ngunit marami rin ang pagkakataong ako ay nabigo. Pero hindi ba't ganyan naman talaga ang buhay. Kailangan natin maramdaman ang pagkabigo para mas pahalagahan natin ang tagumpay. Tsaka sabi nga nila 'di ba, mas mabuti na 'yung subukan kaysa pagsisihan ang lumagpas na pagkakataon.

Love and Lost


Tumibok ang puso ko muli ngayong taon ngaunit kung gaano kabilis siya dumating ganoon din siya kabilis naglaho (isang linggong pag-ibig lang ang peg hehe). Sabi nga ng isang kaibigan, di naman daw sa tagal ng pagsasama nasusukat ang pagmamahal, asa haba ng nota daw. dyuk (kopya lang din yan). Minahal ko naman yung mokong kaso may pagkakataon lang talaga na hindi ko na nagustuhan ang pagbabago sa sarili dahil sa kanya. Inisip ko kasi, di na healthy ang relationship kung hindi mo na nakikilala ang sarili mo. Basta hayun, tinapos na lang namin bago pa kami magkasakitan ng loob. Pero ang maayos naman dun, nagkakausap pa rin naman kame pero madalang na. Marami rin naman akong natutunan sa pagsasama namin. Una dun ay marahil di pa ko handa sa isang relasyon - handang umibig pero di pa sa commitment (meganun ba?)

Bundok

Buti na lang hindi natapos ang taon na hindi ako nakaakyat ng bundok. Ang masaya pa dun, nakasama ko pa sa isa sa mga akyat ko ang isang bagong kaibigan.

Salamat, Dok.

Ang hula noong 2011 ay dapat daw mag-ingat ang mga Tiger para sa kanilang kalusugan sa taon ng 2012. Mukhang hindi ko nasunod ang warning ni Ateng Zenaida kasi nakabisita ako sa apat na doctor ngayong taon. Iba't ibang parte ng katawan. Iba't ibang karamdaman. Awa ng Diyos pa rin at buhay pa ko at di ako na-confine sa hospital. Lakas ko pa rin siguro kay Bro.

Pangarap kong Jackpot.

Hindi naman talaga jackpot ang pangarap ko. Pangarap ko lang mangibang bansa upang umunlad naman ang buhay naming mag-anak. Kaya isa yun sa mga pinagkaabalahan ko ngayong taon. Nakatatlo o apat yata akong bisita at tanong sa mga agency para maipadala na ko sa tate. Loobin sana na makaalis ako sa susunod na taon. Samahan ninyo ako sa pag-pray.

Mga bagong kaibigang nakilala.

Napakasaya talaga (oo, super) na makilala ang mga tao sa likod ng mga blog at tweets na nababasa ko. Noong una kasi sabi ko di ako magpapakita kanino man. Anonymous lang ang peg ko dapat. Dala na rin siguro ng paghanga, curiosity, at kasiyahan, naisipan ko na rin makipagkita. Heto kasi yung pagkakataon na makakilala ka ng tao na di mo naman madalas makasalamuha. Mga taong galing sa iba't ibang industriya at propesyon ngunit marami ring pagkakapareho sa iyo. Ang dami kasing pwedeng matutunan at maintindihan tungkol sa mundo mula sa kanila na maaring iba ang pananaw sa iyo. Kaya ang saya lang. Lalo na't magiging kaibigan mo ang karamihan sa kanila at tuluyan ng uukit ng marka sa iyong buhay. O di ba, saya lang.


Marami pa rin talagang dapat ipagpasalamat sa nagdaang taon. Naging makulay ito dahil sa mga pangyayari at taong naging bahagi ng aking buhay. Sabi nga nila, wala namang pirmi sa mundo, ang tanging pirmi lang ay ang pagbabago. Kaya kailangan lang nating namnamin ang bawat sandaling nangyayari at ang mga taong dumadaan sa ating buhay.


Happy New Year sa atin, Friends!
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Stroll

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Pagkababa ko ng EDSA-Crossing, naisipan kong maglakad-lakad muna sa Greenfield District.

Ibang-iba na talaga siya sa pagkakaalala ko dito noon. May parang park sa gitna tapos marami ng magagandang kainan. Tumotyal na talaga yung lugar.

Sa park ang daming tao. Mga batang nagtatakbuhan, mga mag-syota naglalampungan at pamilyang nagpipicnic. Aba! Ginawang luneta ang totyal na park.

Tapos may tumutugtog sa katapat ng The Hub. Instrumental. Flute at Piano. Puro Christmas songs. Ang ganda lang ng rendition nila. May jazz flair yung mga kanta. Sarap mag-stop and stare kaso wala namang taong nakatigil so gora lang ako sa paglalakad.

Habang naglalakad na-gets ko tuloy kung bakit maraming magsyotang pinipiling tumambay lang sa park. Iba rin kasi yung feeling na kayo lang, naglalakad or magkatabing nakaupo. Staring at the moonlit sky. Tapos magkahawak ng kamay. Nakasandal yung ulo niya sa balikat mo. O di kaya, nakahiga ka sa hita niya. Hangsweet lang di ba?

Ako naman si inggetero. Tseh. Baduy kaya nun. hehehe

Pero parang solb ka narin sa mga ganoong moments with your ispeyshal samwan. Kilig moments. Tone down muna sa gastos and just cherishing every moment with each other.

Haay. Ako na ang walang lablayf. hahaha.


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The Kiss

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All I need

Kissing you is not what I had planned
And now I'm not so sure just where I stand

I wasn't looking for true love
But now you're looking at me
You're the only one I can think of
You're the only one I see

All I need
Is just a little more time
To be sure what I feel
Is it all in my mind
Cause it seems so hard to believe
That you're all I need


Honestly, I didn't know how to start this post. All I knew was I wanted to write about the topic. And surprisingly the song above by Jack Wagner played on the radio.

I experienced my first kiss in high school when a lover greeted me as I wake up with what I recalled to be the most magical moment in my life. His kiss was soft and tender, passionate but a little restrained, and there was definitely fireworks. I was euphoric for days after that.

Same goes with my first girl kiss. But this time, she was aggressive. Her lips was soft and cherry-flavored. I walked like a zombie after that, still in shock and ecstasy. Even in school all I can remember was her soft lips against mine.

Kissing, aside from cuddling, is one of my most favorite sexual / romantic activities. In kissing, you can just get lost in the deed with your eyes closed and just let your others senses do its work. You can feel your partner's breath in your neck, and his soft gasps of air and grunts. It's just sexy and surreal. And while your lips are locked in, your hands explore every inch, every curve of your lover's body.

More than the actual kiss, the moments before the kiss is all the same, thrilling. That moment when your minds become in synced and you just gaze at each other's eyes as if both of you are having a conversation. Or that moment when your bodies are pressed against each other and you feel your lips just simply gravitate towards his.

There's also certain, well, cuteness moments after the kiss. As you let go of his lips and your heads part, for some seconds you're still stuck in the bliss of kissing, your lips still pouting or half-opened and your eyes still closed, still hanging on that moment. And as you open your eyes, you see your partner looking at you with that eyes, oh that sexy eyes, and that soft smile. It's just a moment on its own.

Even before your bodies join, your hearts and soul are already together in kissing. Well, at least that's what I think. You already open up your heart when you let someone kiss you with all the passion in the world, and you reciprocate which, as they say in contracts, consummates the understanding.

Ah kissing....


Well, that's that. It's just my kissing randoms for today.


It's still the holidays so I guess people are still in the mood to kiss, cuddle and more. 

Have a good one, guys!

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It's Christmas and what am I doing here

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Pardon the tone.

I just came home from the Christmas eve mass filled with the Christmas spirit. I was giddy and chirpy coming home, excited to see all my little siblings.

But when I came home, there were no lights, no children. There was no one there. I ate spaghetti alone on a table made for eight.

Then annoying Auntie went down the stairs from her room and social-climbing cousin came in the front door. Then I felt all my Christmas spirit get bottled up again and locked in a vault with all my Christmas spirits in the past years.

I went to the local convenience store to grab a bottle of wine for myself. I want to drown myself in the spirit of alcohol just to make myself a little bit happier. But I thought, I would seem more pathetic and miserable to drink all by myself.

I don't know what's with these recent Christmases that made me feel this way. I feel like a child who did not receive a gift, or one whose parents did not come home from their work abroad, or an orphan who spends the holidays not knowing who his real parents are. And as I scroll through Instagram, I feel like a beggar watching people enjoy their time together near a warm fireplace. It just feels so empty and cold now.

I do hope this would be the last time I feel this way during Christmas. I pray that things will get better next year. But for now, I'll just sleep this one again.


Again, friends, Merry CHRISTmas!

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Pasko ba?! Anyare?!

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Kausap ko kaninang hapon yung kaibigan ko. Nabanggit ko sa kanya na parang ngayon, di ko dama yung pasko. Parang dumating ang December na wala lang. Tapos sa susunod na linggo ay Pasko na. Eh ano naman. Parang walang pinagkaiba. Anong nangyari sa atin? wika ko sa kanya.

Bumaba kami ng mall para pakinggan yung choir na kumakanta. Rockwell kasi yun kaya wala masyadong tumitigil para makinig. They're all busy with their sosy problems. Unlike, jologs like me na pag may libreng concert, manonood talaga.

Sabi ko sa kaibigan ko. Sa mga ganitong pagkakataon lang - referring to hearing the choir sing - nararamdaman na pasko na nga. Siya naman daw naramdaman niyang pasko na nung magkasama kaming umiikot ng mall with matching picture-picture pa sa mga decors.

Iba talaga kung bata ka sa ganitong panahon. Pinakaaabangan mo yung araw na sasapit kung saan dadami na naman ang iyong pera at regalo. Dalawang linggong bakasyon kung saan pwede kang pumunta kung saan mo gusto pumunta at gawin ano mang gusto mong gawin.

Ewan ko ba kung bakit di ko masyadong nadama ang pasko. Siguro nalunod narin ako sa hype na dapat ang pasko ay panahon ng marami kang pera at marami kang bagong damit. Eh wala akong trabaho for like more than 1 year na. So wala akong bagong damit. wala akong bagong sapatos. Wala nga rin akong mga regalo sa mga chikiting kong kapatid at sa pamangkin-inaanak ko e.

Pero naisip ko. Eh ano naman kung walang pera. Ang mahalaga naman talaga ngayong pasko ay yung oras kasama ng ating pamilya at kaibigan. Panahon na mapalapit muli tayo sa isa't isa. Panahon para pagtuonan ng pansin ang mga taong mahalaga sa atin. Masyado na kasing na commercialized ang pasko.

Sabihin na nating sweet-lemoning or rationalizing. Pero para sa akin basta sama-sama sa pasko at may kaunting handa, ubod na ng saya ang pasko. Merry Christmas Friends :D
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Clandestine lives

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There are three JOHNS. 1) The REAL JOHN; known only to his Maker. 2) JOHN'S ideal JOHN; never the real one, and often very unlike him. 3) THOMAS' ideal JOHN; never the real John, nor John's John, but often very unlike either. 
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Autocrat of the Breakfast-table


Throughout the course of our life, we try to discover who we really are. Because it is knowing who we are that we may know the things that could satisfy our every needs. But who among us can, without even an ounce of doubt, say that he truly knows his own self?

In this very social world where one of our aims as residents of this world is to exist in harmony, we tend to create different personas to handle different characteristics and personalities we encounter in a daily basis. This reflex, sometimes voluntary action, is rooted in our ability to adapt to certain situations, especially if our survival is at stake.

However, in doing so, we create different layers that unconsciously hide our true self and hinder it from resurfacing again. We get lost in the masks that we wear that we forget which one is real and which ones are fake. What started as masks will soon become a whole outfit of lies creating another persona in our lives.

Clandestine lives. I believe everyone will agree that even once in their lives, they have lived secret lives aside from their own lives. Some may project their fame and rich resources, and others become the opposite of what they currently are.

I began to wear a mask when I realized that I was different from other boys in school. I saw how they tease the ones who were effeminate and showed unmanly mannerisms. For someone who is very self-conscious and introverted, it's very important for me that I be left alone in peace.

Now I realize that throughout my life since I first put on a mask, I became more confused of who I really  am. In the hopes of finding my real self by trying out new stuff, I just got buried in my own lies and began losing my very identity. Sometimes its fun to be a different person in certain situations with different sets of friends. But there would always come a time that the mind will grow tired and all your other personas will leak out.

Everyone has their own secret lives hidden behind their rank, attitude, or social status. But I guess what's most important is that we do not lose sight of who we really are, or at least who we're made to be. We should hold on, tightly, to the very principle and belief that made us who were are for most of the people who know us. And we must always be prepared and accept at eventually all our masks would be taken off. 
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Facebook Friendship

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Do you know the Friendship feature of Facebook? The friendship page is like your usual profile page, in timeline format with cover photo. The difference is that it only shows the posts and photos and other mutual connections you and your friend has. For example, I go to my friendship page with friend A. I would expect to see our mutual friends, mutual likes, timeline conversation, and photos that we are both tagged in. It's an old service actually, but it's only now that I discovered it's full potential. It's one great stalking tool. I know, boredom made me do it.

I initially thought that the service works just for you and your friend, hence its link 'See Friendship.' I then discovered that you can write virtually anyone in the box and see if they have mutual friends.

Here's the thing. I've been stalking this guy, a classmate, which I have a strange vibe with. Everytime I'm with him, my gaydar goes wild - like butterflies in my tummy.

A little bit earlier, I opened the FB page of O-bar Ortigas (just because my people are going there tonight). And just out of sheer boredom and curiosity, I sought the friendship between my friend and O-bar. Lo and behold they have 61 friends in common. Most, if not all, are buffed up guys who you wouldn't have thought to be clubgoers. (Well, di ko pa naman nakikita ang demographics ng O-bar clubgoers. So what do I know.) Most of them are sports-enthusiasts, gym-goers, and corporate weekend warriors. 

Then, I wonder, how do you subtly tell a guy, who you are friends with - but not yet in the secret-sharing level, that you are also on a common boat as he is? May code ba tayo para jan -  hand signals, chants, secret password, secret handshake? 
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Sigaw sa isip

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Salamat nakasakay rin ng jeep.
Ang sakit na ng paa ko kakahintay.

Wait. Ano yung naaamoy ko?
Jeez! Amoy sibuyas! Jutoks? Where?

Oh. Ate, why you so stinky?
OMFG! Nagtaas ka pa ng kamay? Baba mo yan ate!
Nose, I'm so sorry you have to smell this.
Tingin na lang ako sa other side.

Grabe. Tindi talaga ng jabar mo ate.
Ano yun? May isa pa kong naaamoy.
But wait there's more pala BO mo.
Amoy kachichas naman.

Posible pala yun noh, magkatawang tao ang katchichas.
At kaw yun ate.
Abah. Abah.

Kaw na nga ang matindi sa amoy, kaw pa may ganang magtakip ng ilong dahil sa amoy ng trak ng basura.
At least yun fleeting. pag lumagpas na, wala na.
Eh yung sa'yo integrated na sa pawis mo.
Grabe!!!



Grabe!
Ang sama ko.
Kakagaling ko lang nyan sa prayer meeting kung ano-ano na iniisip kong masama.
Dala lang siguro to ng puyat. Mejo aburido lang ako.
Usually naman talaga, mabait ako e. Kind-meek-gentle.
Minsan naman, tulad ngayon, sarcastic and loud. pero buti pagod na kong mag make parinig. baka majombag ako ng big smelly arms ni ate.
Madalang naman arrogant and proud. Pag may nakikilala lang naman akong kala nila ay ke gagaling na nila. Tseh.



Wala pa bang bababa jan sa dulo nang makausog na ko.
Baka kasi dumikit yung amoy ni ate sa damit ko.
Susunugin ko na to pag ganun.

Haays hayaan ko na nga.
Pag pray ko nalang na sana mababait ang mga kaibigan ni ate at i-gift sa kanya ay complete bath set ng Bench or ng Marks and Spencer.




Sarap din pala maging bakla no.
Nakaka-hug ka sa mga friends mo nang walang malisya.
Nakakasandal ka ng pasweet-sweet lang. ganyan.
Holding hands kahit nag-uusap lang.
Akbay-akbay.
Touchy-touchy ba.
Sarap lang may ka-skin contact.
Speaking of touchy, hahaha Mac!

para po! (may sumigaw)

Ay dito na pala ko.

Ay. Taray ni ate. Fishnet stockings at pekpek shorts.
Masubukan nga yan minsan pag namundok ako.
Well yung stockings lang. Taray siguro ng tan lines ko nun.
And we sometimes wonder why women get raped.
Gusto ko ma-rape sa bundok. chos.

Magpapamasahe ba ko ngayong gabi?
Gusto ko bang mamolestya at ma-violate?
Ano nga bang term na yun, donselya? Nabasa ko lang sa twitter. Hanapin ko nga mamaya.
Kaso sayang sa pera.
Though studies have shown that an hour of a good massage is equivalent to 8 hours of sleep.
Tipid mode parin ang mananaig.
Uwi na lang ako.

Buti nalang may jeep na nag-aabang.
Uy, cute. sana taga sa amin lang siya.

Boss, bayad po. Brad, paabot. (sabi ko)




-tahimik na ang utak hanggang sa balur-
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Never mine

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Whenever I have this feeling, Citybuoy's literary piece comes to mind - Never Yours. (If you haven't had the time to read it, now is the best time to do so.) However, I'm no master storyteller. I can't whip up a great storyline from an emotion or experience. But I do feel. So I'll just write whatever it is that I feel.


Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I can't feel jealous. He's never mine. I wanna be happy.. I AM happy for him. I would just like to think that it was just never meant to be. The truth is, I am not ready. I think I'm not. He's just better off without me. I would just like to think I'm no good for him. Maybe I'm good for someone else but not him. Rationalizing, I am. But that's life. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.

Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I did feel a little jealous. But why should I, he's never mine. Confused. Awkward. Insanely uncomfortable. And irritatingly curious. That's what I felt. It was awfully hard to keep a straight, perky face. Quiet, I was. I wasn't able to react to the scenes. But it's hard to dwell on vagueness. It's hard to tread the path filled with grey areas. At some point, I would want to seek clarity. But that's life. It's just meant to be experienced.

Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I can't feel angry because he's never mine. There were no agreements confirmed, no commitment sealed. Helpless. Powerless. All I can do is watch. Hopeful, I am. That though many came that never became mine, there is someone out there, someone in this hopeful universe, that I would eventually call mine.


/me slaps face (3 times)
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Jeepney chronicles (again)

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In a jeepney.

Still on my struggle in finding my identity, a scene flashed backed in my head. Inside the bathroom. Just came home from a recurring one night stand. 

I was taking a bath. All that was in my head was the thought of being dirty. I needed to clean myself thoroughly. I felt so dirty. So this is how someone raped must feel like, I thought. But I was not raped. Yet I felt so empty, so used. It felt like nothing good came out of that night. Though I had a moment of pleasure, it still wasn't what I needed. Maybe I have done it so many times that it wasn't as special as before. At some point, I grew tired of the same pattern. We meet. We eat. We go somewhere quiet. Or we drink. But as always, we end up in bed. I leave, he leaves, or we both leave separately. Maybe that's where my perception of love and relationship got messed up. At some point, I got fed up of being in this lifestyle / orientation. I got even more confused. If I am already sick of rods, does that mean I should start enjoying labias? I doubted if I was really meant to be in the rainbow team.

Alighted. Walked through the pedestrian crossing.

Is this just a phase? If this was a phase, shouldn't I be moving on now? Am I that fixated? But fixated on what? Penis envy? Daddy issue? Longing for a brotherly love?

But sometimes I enjoy it. Seeing their facial expression as they come. Cringing in ecstasy with their mouths open. Unable to contain the sensation as I continue to pump out every single drop until they beg me to stop. Quite fun to see them drop and just lay there, totally spent and sweaty. But sweet as I rest my head on their warm chest.

I can't be a metrosexual. I don't even care about my clothes and my body image. Bisexual maybe. But I should be aroused or attracted to women to be that. Maybe I am just that lustful that I could swing both ways. Maybe. I dunno.

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Style envy and turn-on: Ectomorphs

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I'm a shirt-jeans kind of guy. My sense of style, at least what I want for myself, is more on simplicity and comfort, relaxed. I'm not really into layering, or colors, or brands, or accessories. As long as I feel comfortable with what I'm wearing and the clothes match, I'm okay. I'm bordering on the heavy side, fine I'm already gone over the heavy limit, which makes my choice of clothes , style, and pattern very limited.

Here are some of the people I envy who just look good in anything.


Joseph Gordon-Levitt



Ryan J. Adams


Harry Shaum




Ectomorph - a bodytype. typically a skinny guy. small frame, long limbs, lean muscles.



*Photos are not mine.
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Nakakatuwang gising

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Nakakatuwang kahit alas sais ka na nakatulog at alas nuebe ka bumangon ay masaya ka parin sa gising mo. Yung tipong ang saya-saya mo lang nang ikaw ay humimbing sa pagtulog tapos dala mo pa rin sa pagmulat ng iyong mga mata. Nakakatuwa lang.

Nakakatuwa rin na kahit di ka masyadong nakainom, ang katotohanan ay isang baso lang ng wine ang ininom mo, ay naging ubod pa rin ng saya ang gabi mo dahil nakita mo ang mga taong nasisisyahan kang makita muli, at ang mga taong gustong gusto mo ng makita at makilala. Nakakatuwa lang.

Nakakatuwa lalo na yung ang gaan na agad ng pakiramdam mo sa mga taong unang beses mo lang nakilala dahil lang ang dali nilang pakisamahan at kausapin. Yung tipong ang tagal ninyo ng magkakakilala. Nakakatuwa talaga.

Nice to be in your company guys ulit kahit saglit lang- Nimmy, Leo, Nikki, Nate, Louie, Beej - at sa nakaka-awestruck na sina Joms at Jap. Salamat sa masayang madaling araw Josh, Josh, Keemo, Migs, at sa butihing hostess Mac. Nakakatuwa talaga.

PS.
Dito ko na lang din isisingit. Did you ever hava a you-remind-me-of-a-friend/person-I-know moment? Kasi madalas mangyari sa akin yun. Yung tipong kapag kasama mo yung tao, may naaalala kang ibang taong katulad niya - sa itsura, sa kilos o galaw, sa pananalita, sa paggamit ng wika, o maging sa mga mannerisms. Di naman sa crush/pinagnanasaan mo yung taong naiisip mo. Basta bigla mo lang siya naalala out of the blue dahil sa naobserbahan mo sa kasama mo. Isa pang yung nakakatuwa. Nakakatuwang isiping kahit sabihin nating unique tayong lahat, meron at merong tao sa mundo na katulad o kamukha mo. If everybody is unique, therefore, everybody is the same. Di ko alam ang connect, naisip ko lang. :D
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Tease and Control

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A friend (yes, friend talaga, sana mabasa mo 'to) and I were having a light conversation through text one night. One of the topics was something about refraining from being a tease. I told him that for me it's alright to tease, it's the thing after the tease that should be controlled. Same is my belief on flirting. He replied, "gawain mo kasi kaya alam mo mag control..."

I didn't know how to react at first. I was thinking, "should I feel insulted?" Then, I tried to reflect on his statement. Am I tease, I said to myself. If I tease or flirt, am I able to control myself?

That's when I realized that more often than not, I would give in to my urge and wouldn't resist invites. I am after all allowed to enjoy my single-hood, right? Plus, it's really nice to cuddle afterwards.

Oh, but there's a lot of times I tease without anything happening, like in random places. I'm not a horny bunny to approach just about anyone who returns a look.

But still, I firmly believe (haha, with conviction) that flirting / teasing is very healthy and necessary. It gets our mojos up and our sense in heightened levels. Pleasure centers are very much ready to process even the slightest stimuli for maximal arousal.


photo from here.


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Peeking inside: Why I Blog

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I started this blog last year in April. At the beginning, I just wanted an outlet where I can narrate my most recent sexual encounters as well as my past conquests. Usually these kinds of stories along with my normal daily adventures are written in my journal which I started in 2006. But since I spend more time in front of the computer, blogging seemed to be more feasible. I've been blogging since Friendster came out, then Myspace, then Livejournal, then Multiply, then Wordpress, Tumblr, and Blogspot. The surviving blogs that still get updated are my Wordpress blogs and this one. Wordpress is where I blog everything under the sun with the exception of gay materials. As I have said earlier, this blog started primarily as an avenue for my past and present sexual adventures. It was supposed to be a little something like Solotouch where I share true sex stories. But I later learned that it could turn into something more.

When I started, I wasn't concerned with other blogs. All I did was write my story and publish it, expecting nothing from the blogosphere. But then somewhat of a problem came up. I needed to vent out the heartache I was feeling. At that time, I could not get anyone from my circle of gay friends to go out with me. Plus, I'm not too comfortable to bare my soul to them and be all dramatic. So what else could I go but to blog about it. Then, this blog became my confidant for my times of loneliness and weakness as a loving gay guy. 

Later on, I began to wonder, if I'm having this kind of problems, would there be someone out there who knows how to handle these kinds of situations? That inquiry led me to seek wisdom from those who have already gone through the phases that I'm going through. I remember subscribing first to the blogs of the Fabcasters. And from their blogs, I looked for the people who left comments and followed them to their blogs. If I find it interesting and helpful in my life, I would without a doubt subscribe to their blogs. That's why until now, I continue to read blogs because there is so much wisdom and experience to be learned and understand from others.

I didn't really think that people would want to subscribe to my blog because all I wrote that time was stories of love and lust. I'm not even a good writer at that. But I was very much ecstatic when one-by-one bloggers began to subscribe and leave comments in my entries. What I didn't realize was that in this part of reality, there exists a community ready to help and be a friend to others.

From the start I promised myself that I would remain anonymous as to protect the life that I'm living (homophobic family and nosy neighbors). But after sometime, interacting with other bloggers, reading their stories, and exchanging twits, one could not help but grow a certain trust in them somehow. And all you wanted to do is put a face to their names / usernames. This year, I am very fortunate to have met and shared  moments with some of the bloggers I follow. All our meetings were pleasant and enjoyable which makes me hopeful and eager to met more of them in the coming months.

Lastly, I would like my stories be helpful to others as well. I would like them to know that they are not alone in their journey, that they are not alone in asking questions and seeking answers, that there are people who have gone through the things they are going through, that there are people who may be in the other side of the country or the world who are ready to help, and there are people who are very accepting and non-judgmental. Bloggers are very diverse - there are people whose stories and use of words are as deep as the ocean, some write with wit, others write with authority. I'm sure there are people in this side of the worldwide web who can be role models to others.

PS.

I just want to share something I read in some guy's tumblr blog. It serves as a reminder for me whenever I write.

Write for yourself.
Write what you would read.
Write to tell more than a story. 





photo from here
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Just some lines

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Mothers will always love you. But grandmas will always be on your side. - Suits
I really have a soft spot when it comes to grandmothers. Most of my childhood was spent under the care of my grandparents. Through my parents' separation, they became my stronghold especially my grandma. I guess, I'm a lola's boy. And as a lola's boy, the statement above speaks the truth. Grandmothers will always back you up and be on your side no matter what happens. I remember when I was young, I lost a 500-peso bill. Actually, it was stolen by my classmate. Anyway, my aunt was pestering me to show her where my money was. Then grandma butted in and told her that we already deposited it in the bank. There are a lot more times when my grandma came to my rescue. I just can't thank her enough for doing that for me. 

Akala ko ang mga nanay lang, mga magulang lang, yung magbibigay ng unconditional love. Hindi pala. - Carmina 
This was one of the sweetest lines I have heard someone say to their special someone. One could expect unconditional love would only come from parents - like in the Filipino saying: matitiis ng anak ang magulang, pero di matitiis ng magulang ang anak. But Zoren proved that love, any kind of love, should be given unconditionally and unselfishly. For pointers on how to love, seek 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Hon, anong kailangan mo?Ikaw at ikaw lang, mahal ko. - From MMK, Pulang Laso episode
 My heart melted. I wished I have the same love they had for each other. Sweet. Another example of an unconditional and unselfish love. Putting the needs of his partner over his own.
Distillery - Fort. Beki nights pag Sabado. Dami lang.
Sama ako!
 This one is from our get-together the other night. I've always wanted to try places where modern day bekis go and hang-out or party or even meet. I'm primarily curious if I could fit in that scene or not. I also wonder how PLU interact and socialize. Lastly and more importantly, I'm looking forward people-watch and admire male beauty and hotness.



photo from here
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Pulang Laso Aftermath

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Kasama ang mga kaibigan, pinag-usapan namin ang nakaraang episode ng MMK.

"Pag AIDS, kelangan bakla dapat? That is so stereotypical."

"Pag bakla AIDS na agad? Di pa pedeng tulo muna?"

"Or di ba pedeng lagnat muna o sipon?!"

Siyempre katuwaan lang naman yun. Alam naman naming ito ay isang napakahalagang paksang talakayin at pag-usapan.

"Pero pano ba talaga naghahawahan?"

"Alam ko tatlo lang yan: dugo, karayom (galing sa may AIDS), at pagpasa ng ina sa anak."

"Ang alam ko any body fluids e. Mapa-tamod at laway."

"Pano naghahawahan pag sa lalake at babae. Di ba tamod naman yun."

Lumabas tuloy ang katotohanang kakaunti lang ang alam namin tungkol sa HIV.

"Wag kang mag-alala. 1% lang naman ang chance mong mahawa sa unprotected sex e."

"Yun nga e, dapat di ka umaasa dun sa 1% na yun e."

At least sa huli, tama naman ang nasabi namin.
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MMK's Pulang Laso

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Did you catch last Saturday's episode of MMK, starring Joem Bascon and Carlo Aquino? They did an episode in line with the World AIDS Day.

I really love their approach on a very sensitive topic. They were able to portray the hardships people living with AIDS go through and how they cope. What I love most about the story of the characters was their undying love for each other.

I'm really one who easily cries. And for most parts of the show, I was crying alongside the characters. I don't know if it's just me putting myself in their shoes or they're just great actors.

I felt for Carlo Aquino's character when his parents disowned him for being gay And after finding out that he had HIV/AIDS, instead of showing sympathy, his parents was embarrassed and disgusted of him. Joem's character's father (played by kuya Bodji) was the contrary. He was sympathetic and supportive. He did not blame nor scolded Joem for being careless. Instead, he did what every parent should do. He expressed his unconditional love and support to his son.

I also loved Joem's line to Carlo's mother which goes, "Hindi siya bakla. Hindi rin siya AIDS-victim. Siya si Kevin." (Not sure if I remember it correctly.) Madalas kasi para sa karamihan yung HIV/AIDS lang ang nakikita nila sa mga taong may ganitong sakit. Hindi nila inisip na tao parin naman ang kaharap nila. Tsaka kung naaalala ko ng tama ang seminar namin dati, di naman talaga tamang tawaging AIDS-victim dahil ito ay parang nangangahulugan ng kahinaan at kawalan ng pag-asa. Kaya mas tamang sabihing Person/People Living with HIV (PLHIV / PLWHIV) para naman mangahulugang may pagkakataon pa ring mabuhay nang normal at di pa katapusan ng mundo kapag mayroon kang ganitong sakit.

Nagalingan talaga ako sa episod na yun. Sana maraming nakapanood para mamulat sila kahit papaano tungkol sa buhay HIV/AIDS.
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What if you were here

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Inside a church, I saw two brothers. The older one looked like he was in his teens and his brother seemed he was just around eight. Then, another brother came along, he seemed to be a year or two younger than the older brother. Just like you and me. 

Then it got me thinking, what would it be like if you were here? Would life be any different if I'd be an older brother?

If you were here, I'd have a constant buddy in everything I wanted to do. We can go nature-tripping and be adventure junkies. We can drive around the city or even outside the city just because we're bored. I wouldn't have to look anywhere else for a companion because there you'll be in your room always ready to tag along.

We could do all sort of things together. If you can play an instrument and me singing, we can form a band. We could excel in sports together and later be known in the community. We can enter showbiz together and be famous. We can party all night long and not care about the world. We can start a business from what we are passionate about. We can go to the gym together and look all sexy. Girls (and guys) would fall head over heels for us. We would be each other's biggest competition which would motivate us to be the best.

If you were here, we could explore puberty together. It's more fun to have someone to compare things with and experience things with. I could teach you a thing or two, or maybe you'll do all the teaching. It'll be like comparing notes and maybe more.

If you were here, even though dad is not participatory in our family, I would still have all the male-love I can have from you. You'll be my brother, bestfriend, and partner-in-crime. We would be inseperable. And we could bully our older sister all day and all night long.

But I wonder if things would have been different if your're here. Would I still be me? The smart, kind, gentle son that I am now. The favorite of the family. Or would I fall into the stereotype of a middle child - the rebel, disrespectful, arrogant. 

I wonder if I would still turn out the same way. Would I be in this same lifestyle, same orientation? Perhaps not.Perhaps, I would have taken the big brother role and protect my siblings. I would have defended you from bullies and taught you how to be a man since our father couldn't.

If I'd be the same, would you accept me for who I am? I want to think so, and you'd be cool about it. We'd still do guy stuff, or you'll teach me sports, cars, and all that shiznit.

I wonder if you'd turn out to be like me. If you did, just like me, then we could grow more closer. Having someone close to you, guide you through the process is such a big deal. It's hard enough to go through it in a homophobic environment, let alone experience it on your own.

I bet life would have been easier if you're here. I bet our family would have been still together if you're here. I bet I would be less lonely knowing I have someone to lean on for strength. 

I really wish you're still here. 



Photo from here.
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Tension

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Whenever we feel tensed, our instinct is to relieve it. We don't want to hold on to it because we know that if we do so, what little tension we feel at the beginning will build up. And later on, once it becomes so big we won't be able to control or bear with it, and we will just explode.

And what are these that cause tension? Most likely, it's stress from work or the anxiety from deadlines. There's also pressure from different aspects of our lives - family, friends, school, work, love life. These stressors keep our bodies contracted - our shoulders shrugged, wrist clenched, back tightened, toes curled. Not allowing our muscles to loosen up and relax results to poor performance.

Like what I've said earlier, we immediately want to relieve the tension before it becomes problematic. What do we do? We relax. Have a break. Go on a vacation. Meet up with friends. Do just anything that puts our minds away from thinking about work. So that when we do return to our routine, we can start fresh and energized.

Now that we have that out of the way, let's now go to sexual tension. Do we relieve it immediately or wait 'til the right time?

Did you ever feel like when you meet a person for the first time that there's an unexplainable vibe of attraction and lust between the two of you? And you're just dying to find out if that tension can lead to some chemistry in bed?

When I was young, I thought that it's requisite for any relationship to begin with sleeping together because I thought that it's the only way to be close with someone. I thought that getting to know a person comes after spending the night together. Looking at those I did shared a night or two together, most of them still remained to be some of my closest friends. I guess we charged our follies to youth, curiosity, and raging hormones. Therefore, I later thought that it shouldn't be that way.

However, there's still a small part of me that says it's better to relieve the sexual tension at the beginning to rid of distraction from getting to know the person beyond the superficial. Here's my logic behind that. When you meet a person you have the hots for, all you can think of is how good that person is in bed or how sexy he is or how wild he is. But once you get over that question with some bing-bam-boom, you can now focus on the more important things like, what he likes doing, or what he's into, and where he usually goes.

On the other hand, base on experience, there some downside to early relief of sexual tension. If one finds the sex so much better than the other things like dating, then in no time you two will turn into sex partners /  fuck buddies / jack-off buddies. Some may even lose interest early on because they would feel that they have already succeeded in their "conquest."

But I guess it all depends on the intention of both parties. They can get things over with at the beginning so that they can enjoy a sincere friendship afterwards (and just have something-something on the side); or first, get to know each other better to build up tension and have an explosive first night together.

What do you think?

photo from here
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If it was just me and him...

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Nako kung siya lang at ako ang nasa room kanina, malamang di ko na talaga napigilan sarili ko. Baka nahubaran ko na siya ng tuluyan.

Kasi ba naman bigla-biglang magbaba ng shorts at brief. Well gilid lang naman. Parang ganyan oh. Isipin niyo lang may t-shirt at shorts.


Pero kahit na. Konting baba pa ay kitang kita na ang singit niya. (Singit na ata yung nakita ko e) Pati pubes. Mukhang di naman siya balbon. Kaya siguro wala ko masyado nakita. Or nag-aahit siya. Haays. My imagination.

May susukatin lang dapat ako sa hita niya nang walang ano-ano, habang ako ay nakaupo at siya naman ay nakatayo at nakaharap sa akin, biglang binaba ang shorts.

Pasensya na at naulit. Di pa rin kasi ako makapaniwala na wala pang isang dipa ang layo ng crotch niya sa face ko nung gawin niya yun e.

Manukso ba kasi.

Kulang na lang ngumanga ako at maglaway.

Grabe lang. Ako naman yung nawalan ng composure. For a moment nag-lag ako, iniisip ko na ako na lang ang hahawak at magbababa. Pero nung nahimasmasan. Umiwas naman ako baka kasi ma-obvious na pinagnanasaan ko siya.

Grabe talaga. Di ko talaga maalis sa isip ko yung moment na yun. Maputi. Malinis. Lean. Toned. 17 % body fat.

Haay. Shet. And that smile. That boyish smile.

Haays. Bakit ba kasi nataranta ako agad e. tsk.

Iyon lang naman. Ang highlight ng life ko. Kung sa MMK siguro to, ang title ng episode ngayon ay... "SINGIT"
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Is it just me, or did he just do what I think he did?

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I was with some friends that time. At the street as we were all having a conversation, I noticed, through my peripheral vision, three men approaching. They're tall, lean yuppies wearing what looked like uniforms, their polo barongs. They were all good looking. When they walked behind me, I tried to subtly turn my head and follow them. But when I turned my head to the other side, I saw my guy friend's eye looking, no, staring at the three tall yuppies. I just returned my head and smiled. I felt like my suspicion were validated. But later on, when we all went our separate ways, I wondered,was that really a validation rooted from my wishful thinking or do guys check other guys out?

I have asked my girl friends if they check other girls out too. Almost all of them said yes. They do so because  (1) they find the girl's dress / outfit / accessories interesting, (2) they want to check the competition, or (3) they want to feel good about themselves by finding flaws from other girls. Guys check out girls for obvious reasons, and most of the time it's sex-related. But can / do straight guys check out / look at guys without malice? I mean head-turning, eyeball-rolling stare.

I don't want to out him if in case my gaydar is correct. It's just that sometimes you just wish there's someone close who understands what you feel. I guess it would be nice to know someone who's rooting for the same team.


photo from here.
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Ghost of boys-in-my-life past

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Saw two guys from my past today. It was just so unexpected meet them in those places.

First was JM. As I was walking through the neighborhood streets, I saw a familiar figure walking towards my direction. I couldn't have been more certain that it was him. A sweet smile confirmed my guess. He just came from work and was just about to go home. Since it was the first time since we saw each other after so long, he decided to accompany me in my errands. While walking to different establishments, we were like our old selves again together - joking and teasing each other. It was just fun to see him again after both us became busy with our lives. And as we walked further, it was apparent that our relationship stayed the same after months of not speaking and seeing each other. It's as if nothing changed. And I was glad it was like that.  Then I realize, this is what I want. Maybe with him or not. Who knows. I just want to have somebody who can be my best bud in public and in the company of people but my sweetest lover when we're alone.

Next was D. As I alighted from an FX near a well-known mall in Ortigas, I saw a guy walk towards me. He had style, so my gazed followed as he walked pass me. And who to follow him was my first ex looking down as if hiding his face. I stared at him and waited for him to look at me and say "hi." When he did look, it was just the most weird and awkward moment. I greeted him and stopped for a while, awaiting a quick chit-chat. However, he just continued to walk faster and just nodded and waved his hand so awkwardly. At first, I thought it was funny because it seemed like that he was on a date and the sight of the exes talking wouldn't count as an awesome first date. But when I walked inside the mall, scene from the previous awkward encounter keeps on replaying in my head. I got annoyed and pissed off. I was like, "where the F*** did that come from?!" And there was a text message that he sent me hours later that got me all steamed up again. Then I realize, there was really a reason why we broke up, and this was it. Valid and reasonable. And most of the time, there's no use in reconciling with an ex because you can expect that what he was then will most likely be what he still is.

They say that in order to move on to another chapter in your life, you should not go over the previous chapters. But on the other hand, it's in reviewing the past that we discover the secret for our present lives. Yesterday's failure is today's success.
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Tweeps on Top

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At natuloy din ang akyat namin ni Heyoshua yesterday. Di ba I was talking about trekking again in one of my previous posts. Hayan, ginawa na namin. Todo sa pawis pero todo naman sa bawi sa picture-picture. Sa Mt. Gulugod Baboy nga pala ito sa Anilao Batangas. At dahil successful naman ang climb, inisip naming ulitin 'to. At tulad naman din dati open naman ang akyat kung sino gusto sumama. The more the merrier, di ba. 
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Native

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Makakatikim na naman ako ng inipit mula sa Eurobake. Naku, kapag bibisita kami sa mga kamag-anak namin sa Bulacan, lagi kaming may pasalubong nito. Mahilig kasi ako sa tinapay at matatamis. So it's always a treat to have this as we go back home. Before, the filling was thicker. It was more fun to eat it. Pero tulad ng former favorite kong burger, nagbago na rin ito. Still, it was  nice to see the store still alive after all these years. I hope my children can still enjoy their delicious delicacies. 
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Former Favorite

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Dati super favorite ko ang Bacon Mushroom Melt. Kumpara mo sa Champ or BigMac, mas gusto ko parin ito. Naka-styro tapos served hot pa. Talagang melt.

Pero simula nang nagmahal ang Wendy's, nagbago na rin ang BMM. Lumiit na siya. Numipis ang patty. Nagbago na rin ang lasa ng buns niya.

Nung nag-order ako kanina ulit nito, mejo na-disappoint ako. Di na talaga siya tulad ng dati. Di nito na-trigger ang childhood memories ko. Happy memories with BMM. Sayang. Na-miss ko na ang Bacon Mushroom Melt...
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We Remember

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We remember those who went ahead of us. May their souls celebrate with our Creator and watch over us always.
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Boy-bata sa Bus

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Sa bus, nakaupo ako sa may window side. Hinihintay na lang mapuno ito para makaalis na. Isa na sa mga huling pumasok ay si boy-bata may suot na backpack at may dala-dalang grocery bags sa magkabilang kamay. May sinusundan siyang lalaking may malaking bag na dala. Inakala kong magkasama sila. Naupo si Boy-bata sa tabi. Napatingin ako at napaisip, pede si Boy. Ako ay pagod na dahil sa buong umagang pagbabanat kaya di ko na lang siya pinansin. O sige, inaamin ko na minsa'y tila inakit ko siya sa paminsang pagkambyo. Pero natapos lang yun sa ganun. Nang magsimula ng umandar ang bus. Napansin kong si BB ay palinga-linga sa direksyon ko. Naman, trained eye ata 'to. Malinaw ang peripheral vision. Noong nakita ko ulit siya tumingan, ginantihan ko rin siya ng tingin. Iniisip ko kung may balak nga si BB sa akin ay makikipagtitigan ito. Nang pagtingin ko sa kanya, bumaling naman siya ng tingin. Malamang assuming lang ako, bulong ko sa isip ko. Matapos makaikot na ang kundoktor at mangolekta na rin ng bayad ay hinanda ko na ang shades ko para makatulog na. Dahil uber pagod na ko't kelangan ko ng beauty rest sa tanghali. At hayun nga at nakatulog na ko, yakap-yakap ang aking bag. Nagising na lamang ako nang biglang may tumapik sa hita ko. Nahulog pala ang kamay ni BB sa hita niya at tinamaan ako. Napatingin ako kay BB, baka kasi magpaumanhin. Aba natutulog pala. Boy, alam ko na yang style na ganyan, tengenang bitch ko sa utak ko. At nagpatuloy na lang ako sa pagtulog. Makalagpas ng kalagitnaan ng expressway ay nagising na naman ako. Ngayon, parang may tumatapik naman sa hita ko. Naka-shorts kasi ako at sensitive ang balbons ko kaya na-felt ko agad. Huli ka balbon, este, bata. natapik nga siya with matching kaskas pa sa hair ko. Nako-nako-nako. Tong batang to. Hinahamon ata ako. Sa puntong iyon, napaisip ako. Una, ano kaya tong trip ni bata. Pedeng gancho to libog talaga. Gusto kaya niyang ipasok yung kamay niya sa short ko o gusto niyang maligayahan siya? Pinagmasdan ko ang setting. Bus. Tanghaling tapat. Gisng ang tao sa kabilan aisle. Malapit na ang exit. At higit sa lahat, menor de edad to. Napaisip ako ng malalim. Ang isang panandaliang saya ay pedeng mauwi sa habang buhay na parusa. Kaya naman I held back. Opo, ate charo. Nagpigil ako. Honestly, naisip ko yung tweet dati ni (insert tweep name here) nang may lumandi ata sa kanyang bata. di ko na maalala ang tweet ngunit alam ko tinanggihan niya ito. kaya yun ginawa ko. o diba kuya lang ang dating, parang si bro WWJD. Hayun, desidido na kong tatanggi kahit anong mangyari. Kaya kahit anumang tapik o kiskis ni BB sa hita ko. NR na lang ako. Hanggang dumating na sa terminal. At nagsibabaan na ang mga tao pati si BB. Huling tingin bago maghiwalay. Sabay smile. The End. Bow. Kung iba lang ang pagkakataon marahil iba ang kwento ni Boy-bata. Kung sakaling, gabi iyon, nasa bandang likod kame ng bus, walang tao sa row namin, malikot ang kanyang kamay, at may titigang naganap, kung si boy-bata ay mga 20's man lang. baka patulan ko pa. Hope you had a great weekend!
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The Past and The Last

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Taking off from my drunk tipsy headache-driven post earlier this morning (which I reverted back to draft), I wonder: Is the past of a person really important to know? Do past loves, exploits, and heartaches have bearing on the present one?


I really love this short film because they handled the question "how many have you loved?" so maturely. Some people when asked that, even me, would be defensive. But the story gave such a romantic treatment to the situation.

As for my question earlier, I guess it depends on the intention of the question and the manner of answering.

Props to WongFu Productions for another brilliant masterpiece!
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Mema Lang

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Since my last post, I haven't had any ideas yet on what to write. So I just frequent my blogspot to read bloggers' post and scan through my stats. Now, I just want to acknowledge the sources of my blog's traffic.

Top Referring URLs (All time)

Top Referring Sites (All time)
Google Philippines
Google
Souljacker
Orallyours

Top Search Keywords (All time)
equanimity spa
homme spa kamuning
rustic spa kamuning
japanese bath house
japanese bathhouse

Thanks! 

Sabi na sa inyo e, mema post lang :P
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Week's Bits and Plan

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Taking off from my last entry, I was feeling kinda adventurous one night. I took a leak in a comfort room in a mall in Mandaluyong. It was one of those comfort rooms on a floor with less traffic. I immediately felt the tension inside as I entered the room. I went straight to the last cubicle and didn't bother to close it shut. After pissing, as I've said, felt adventurous. I haven't done anything naughty inside a public restroom before. So there I went. There was a certain excitement knowing that someone might come in maybe join or watch me. I was almost close to coming when I heard the door open slowly. I stopped for a while and tried to sense if I had company. I turned my head and there's no one there. Somewhat relieved that I was still alone, I tucked in my junk inside my pants and went out the cubicle. As I approached the door, I could see three men handwashing and two men drying their hands. I just smiled and said audibly: "may conference ba?" :) I hope they heard me.

*****

It was a delight to be among PE teachers, trainers, and coaches not just because I was surrounded with sports-minded people but mostly because everywhere I look there's at least one eye candy. Lean guys, muscular guys,  athletic guys, with cute to gorgeous faces. It was such a treat. In one of the workshops I attended, I saw this guy. My gaydar went off. He seemed to straight but danced with grace. But after talking with one of the participants, I found out he was married. So I guess I have to modify my gaydar for certain populations, then.

*****

I've been itching to go back to the mountains one of these days. It has been around nine months since my last climb. So I decided to go back to my leisure trekking activities. I have recently met with  a blogger-friend and shared with him my plan. I invited him to my trip and he agreed. So now I'm thinking of opening up the climb to anyone of you, my dear friends, who want to join us. It will be a dayhike on a weekend, tentatvely 1st or 2nd week of November. So, if anyone's interested just tell me, okay :)
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Touching Self: Techiniques and Variety

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For as long as I remember, I've been masturbating almost the same way as I first did it. Lying on my back and pumping Bruno (yes, he has a name) using a forehand grip. Well, there's a slight variation from what I originally did when I was a kid. Back then, when Bruno still had foreskin, I used the index-middle finger-thumb grip, and sometimes the palm on the crown with the fingers dangling down on the shaft. And as I reach orgasm (still dry then), my toes will point upward towards my head. When I grew older and my body matured, I began to use the forehand grip still lying on my back, but when I consummate my toes would curl and my feet would point away from my body. I wouldn't consider myself adventurous when it comes to self-pleasuring. As long as I can release, I'm content. I hear different variations from my friends like kneeling, standing, or with one leg on top of a chair, or humping a pillow, or the two hand pump or edging or twisting, wringing. Though I tried them at least once, I still remained faithful to the classic technique. Sometimes I use aids to increase sensation like lubrication and the grip will be mostly placed just on the head with squeezing and turning motions.  The recent one that I tried was while sitting down. It happened just after a massage. 

It was, shall I say, a legit massage place but still the masseur occasionally rubbed the sac and Bruno which excited him. As I sat to dress up, I can't control the urge to release and so I went for it. Sitting and using a backhand grip I pumped away. Occasionally closing my eyes to enjoy the moment, while still being on guard if ever someone might enter the room. And alas, I was able to finish the deed. Amazingly, I didn't have to lie on my back just to get off. Maybe it's from the long foreplay-ish massage that made it easy for me to come. Ikaw ano ang kwentong jaks mo?

Curious about masturbation techniques and variations, like me? Here's a helpful site: Art of Male Masturbation
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Gay Banters

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I really don't know how to handle gay banters like the ones straight people do. Minsan pakiramdam ko pag di ako sumagot, lalabas naman akong guilty or affected at pag sumagot naman ako, lalabas namang umaamin na ko. Ang weird lang. Di ko alam kung ano ang tamang timpla ng comedy na di naman ako mabubuking. Pasensya na, dito ko na lang kinikuwento, kasi feeling ko friends naman tayo lahat dito e. Where was I? Ah, banters. Like tonight. Casually, I asked a classmate to open a tight bottle for me. Wala naman talaga kong ibig sabihin doon eh. I was just asking him a favor to open the bottle for me because I honestly can't. Then, he jokingly remarked, "Si girlfriend talaga oh." In my mind, I was like, 'what?! where did that come from.' Shux. For a moment, I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. (Pero syempre may kasama ng kilig yun. Si crush kasi yun e.) Ayus lang sana kung kami lang e, pede pa ko maglambing ng konti kaso ang masama  doon ay narining pa nung isa naming classmate. Sumagot na lang ako na pagod na kasi ko kaya di ko na mabuksan yung bote. And she was really laughing. Tapos pabiro niyang tinanong: Sino sa inyo ang babae, sino lalake? Di ako makasagot. Make or break question. Napabulalas na lang ako na alternating kame, para di magkasawaan. Tapos humirit naman yung isa na ngayon daw siya ang lalaki kasi siya yung nagbukas ng bote ko. Ang weird lang kasi feeling ko I outed myself at that moment. Parang dapat ngumisi na lang ako at tumawa. Less talk, less mistakes ika nga. Kayo, paano ninyo ba hinaharap yung mga ganoong biruan?
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Of brotherhood and flirting

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I just can't understand myself. Whenever I like a guy just because I want to be his friend, I can't seem to approach him without thinking of flirting with him. It's like that's my default mechanism in approaching the male species. Naalala ko tuloy yung movie na napanood ko sa youtube. The only way this kid knows how to repay a guy's kindness was to give his self. Nagiging ganun kaya ako. Pero di naman sa lahat. I feel that way towards someone who (1) I really want to befriend and (2) I am really attracted to. Like last weekend, I went with a group in an outing. There was this married guy who was really appealing, cute, and funny. I really wanted to get to know him more and be close to him. I kinda see an older brother figure in him. When we were night swimming in the pool, I kept on resisting the urge to make a move on him. Even in our sleep when we were assigned to adjacent beds, I was trying hard to control my actions because as they say you don't shit in your neighborhood. Baka kasi ang panandaliang saya ay mauwi sa pangmatagalang kahihiyan. And never imagined myself as a home-wrecker. As if naman iiwan niya ang asawa at anak niya para sa akin. hehe. So, just to finish the story, wala namang nangyari sa amin ni daddy-i-like-to-mess-around-with-and -get-rough-with. Anyway, I don't know how I can get rid of this reflex on cute guys. In phobias, the only way to get rid of a fear on something is to let that person face his fears. A process called desensitization. Should I then desensitize myself by being surrounded by cute friendly guys? I guess I just lacked cute friends growing up. 
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Homosexuality and Christianity

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I've already thought of this topic two weeks ago but I can't seem to put into words the things that I want to say. I wanted to  provide an argument - based on Church doctrines and scriptures - on what Christianity thinks of homosexuality. But I'm not really articulate and I struggle with words. So I'll just leave it to the writers to give you that. Plus, there's a lot of sites in the internet about this topic.

So, what exactly do I want to say? Well, I mentioned earlier that I thought of this topic two weeks ago. It happened when I attended a catholic charismatic group's program. At that time I was kind of missing something in my life. And I knew what or who that is. It was Jesus. I had been missing celebrating mass during Sundays and I haven't turned to God for a long time.

I just wondered, can a guy like me - with this urges and thoughts - join a religious group and not feel any hypocrisy? Is there such a thing as gay christian?

I know Jesus did not turn his back on sinners. And I know that people in the congregation are not perfect themselves. But I just can't help but wonder, is there a room for openly gay people to be active in the Church?

Here's a good read, though I share it to you: I'm Christian, unless you're gay.

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What a smile can do

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Smiles can truly turn a frown rightside up. Whenever I see someone smile even if the smile was not meant for me, or if someone smiles at me even if it was a stranger, I feel like everything's going to be all good like sunshine on a cloudy day. Yeah, that's a line from a song. Like last night when two guys smiled at me while I was eating alone in a fastfood chain. Like this morning when someone across my seat inside the train smiled at me. Like this evening someone smiled at me as I was walking inside the mall. It's just refreshing to see sweet smiles from people. Made me blush, honestly. Smiles are like ice cream. No one can resist it. Everybody likes it. And what's cherry on top of that ice cream of smile? Well, why the lingering look (or a second look), of course! 
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A treasure

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"You're a treasure! You know that? :D"

Ang sarap lang masabihan ng ganun. Kahit sa simpleng usapan lang sa chat, iba pa rin ang naging dating sa akin. Parang napakahalaga ko. Parang ang laki ng nagawa ko para sa kanya. Sobrang nakakagaan ng puso. Lalo na ngayong hindi ko alam kung anong ginagawa ko sa buhay, napakalaking tulong ng mga salitang iyan para maibsan ang nararamdaman kong lungkot. Salamat. Salamat sa mga salitang iyan. Salamat lalo na't galing iyon sa iyo.
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Going Solo: Touching Self

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Being a teenager, trying to look for answers to what I was feeling, it was hard not to have someone to talk to who you'll feel secure in sharing intimate emotions. It becomes important that the person you are telling your stories to is someone who is going through the same phase or events in your life as you are. Being in the same boat, so to speak, removes the discriminating attitude and the judgmental mindset. Both of you are exploring and discovering things about yourselves that may help one another.

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Trying out a new dish

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I remember corpcloset's advice in a talk some time ago that if a gay guy should decide to stay in the closet, he should be ready to play the part. But my dilemma was that I don't know anything about what straight guys talk about like cars, sports, or girls.

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I have long chosen not to put a finality on my gender orientation until I haven't been with a girl. Wouldn't you agree that as a consumer, before we decide which product to buy, we look at other alternatives. Maybe there's something the one has that the other has not. 

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Stand Up - Gay themed Short Film

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Just thought of sharing.


“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” ― Barack Obama
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Love principles

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The other night, I met a blogger for the first time. We had a dose of coffee and conversation. Most of the topics that came up were about love and relationships, topics which I seldom talk to someone because I have limited confidante. Anyway, in the conversation, some of the beliefs and principles I that live by came up. 
  • Find someone who complements you and not someone who'll complete you.
  • Love yourself first before you can love others.
  • Love should bring out the best in you and not the worst in you.
  • Sa pag-ibig kapag may sumuko na, ibig sabihin nito tapos na ang relasyon. (syempre, you should fight for it first. pero pag di naman talaga nag-work out, dapat ng sumuko)
  • Guard your heart. Don't give yourself wholly to a person. Leave some for yourself.
  • Kung kayo talaga para sa isa't isa, kayo talaga sa huli.
  • Kapag nagawa niyang saktan ka o lokohin ka once, malamang mauulit din yun.
  • Once trust is lost or tainted it's hard to regain or mend.
Basic lang naman talaga yung mga principles na yan. Pero dala na rin ng nag-uumapaw na pagtingin sa isang tao, minsan natututunan nating kalimutan ang mga iyon.



*Drafted in March 2012

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Flatlined

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When I opened my dashboard today as I would like to follow-up on my blog reading, I noticed my stats. It already flat-lined. For more than a week now, I haven't published any post to gain traffic. Just when I thought I was the only one who finds it taxing to write a decent blog nowadays, I saw Mugen's post 'Why Its Hard To Blog These Days.' I have easily identified with some reasons listed in his post. There are 100 posts in my blog yet only 73 are published. I don't think I ran out of ideas to write. It's just I couldn't find the energy or zeal to finish the entries that I've started. I even had a series in mind with all the titles and the outlines already listed. But I guess what's lacking is the drive and excitement I used to have. And now, I feel I'm back at the beginning - trying to find my voice, trying to discover my style. But if I remember it correctly, this was how I started blogging - from reading other blogs and being inspired by their thoughts. 
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Level 26

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Indeed, I have leveled up. Officially, I'm at level 26! Wuhoo! Last year, I spent the first day of my twenty-sixth year at the highest peak in the Philippines, and today I closed the year quietly here at our house.

This past year has been very memorable for me. A lot of things have happened that have made me stronger and wiser. New places conquered. New profession. New learning. Strengthened bonds.Love found and lost. New friendships. Truly, a lot to be thankful for.

All I can do now is cherish all that happened to me this past year and still be hopeful for the coming year. Here's to success and surprises! :)




*dear, there's always two sides of the story.
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Unknown

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It was a missed call.
I didn't know the number but it looked familiar.
I wasn't sure who the number belongs to so I sent a message.
~Sori I missed your call. Who's this?
My phone rang. It was the unknown number. I answered.
~Hello. Sino to?
>Sino to? Bakit ka nagtetext sa akin?!
~Huh? Sorry, di nakaregister number mo sa phone ko. Anong message?
>Nagse-send ka ng text sa akin e.
Sensing the conversation was senseless, I hung up.
The voice wasn't familiar. It was deep.
I don't think it's someone I know.
But his mobile number rings a bell.
Maybe it was him, I thought -the number I deleted from my contacts list months ago.
Feeling guilty for hanging up and somewhat wishing it was him, I sent a message.
~Sori dude binabaan kita. baka hindi ako yung nagtext. check mo na lang yung number.
My phone rang again. This time another unknown number.
~Hello! sino to?
>Sino ka? bakit ka nagtetext sa kapatid ko?
~Ano bang text yun?
>Baka nagkamali ka lang ng text?
~BAKA NGA!
It was his sister? But person I used to know didn't have a sister.
So it definitely wasn't him.
I looked at the number again, wondered why it was very familiar.
Searched for my own number in my contacts list.
Lo and behold, the first 9 digits of our mobile numbers are the same.
That's why it was familiar.
So much for wishing it was him - trying to reconnect or something.
Oh, hang-ups.
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Closet: In here, we are safe

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While browsing through YouTube's full length animated Marvel movies, I stumbled upon a short film entitled 'Closet.' By just looking at the title and thumbnail, I instantly knew what the story was all about. And I was right. It was a story of boy living the life of a closeted gay. Quite ordinary, actually. A lot of movies have already portrayed this kind of story line. But this film had a different way of attacking it. The boy was literally hiding his secret life in his closet.

"In here, we are safe..."

It was one of the subtitles in the movie. It stuck in my mind because personally, it think it is the main reason why gaymen stay inside their closets - they feel safe. And for me, it holds true. I feel that living in the closet guards me from ridicule, embarrassment, prejudice, and other ill feelings. In my closet, I am safe.

I love how the movie portrayed the closet as the character's sanctum. Inside his closet, he was free. He can be whoever he wants to be. And of course, his closet became witness to his hardships, problems, and worries of living a double life.

I remember how when I was a kid, I would usually hide inside my (walk-in) closet [pangarap lang.] whenever I wanted to be alone or when I wanted to just cry. It served as my venue to let out steam and to escape from all the bad people, and the bad things that came my way. My closet became my me-time-me-place for so long until I was grew big enough not to fit inside it.

I believe that hiding inside the closet is not a show of cowardice. There is no harm in having your own place of retreat, your own corner of the world. But there would be a time where you should find a way to release yourself from the comfort of your sanctuary and express out loud and proud who you really are.

But as for now, I'm comfortable in my own little corner, in my own closet. 
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