Si Tropa

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Recently I got in touch with the highschool barkada and of course, the secret kalandian was there. I think I have mentioned him in one of my entries before. Well, just to give you guys an idea again: he's slightly taller than me, a bit in the skinny side, dark, and well-endowed.

So heto na nga. Bilang matagal kaming hindi nagkitang magbabarkada, maraming kwentuhang naganap. Inabot kami ng madaling araw.

Nagsiuwian na ang lahat maliban sa akin. Si Kalan (kalandian) naman, nandoon rin siyempre kasi bahay niya yun.

Balak ko magpaiwan  talaga para makipagkwentuhan pa kasi matagal ko rin siyang di nakakausap nang personal. At naalala ko noong huli naming pagkikita/pagsasama, wala namang naganap sa amin dahil may gf siya noon. Ngayon, may gf ulit siya (bago) kaya inalis ko na sa utak ko na pwedeng may mangyari ulit sa amin.

Naupo ako sa kama ninya habang nakaharap naman siya sa computer niya at nagke-kwento ng mga bagay tungkol sa trabaho niya at sa hobby niya na video editing.

Tumagal ang usapan hanggang mga alas-tres ng umaga. May lakad pa siya ng umaga na 'yun kaya naisipan na naming matulog. Nasa kama niya ako (walang bed frame, kaya nasa sahig lang). Naglapag na siya ng sarili niyang foam. Pinatay na niya ang ilaw.

Pagod ako noong mga araw na iyon kaya inaantok-antok na rin ako nang mga oras na iyon. Nakakatulog-tulog na rin ako noon. Ngunit, subalit, datapwat, may naramdaman na akong pumatong sa hita ko.

Tulad ng dating gawi, pinatong niya yung kanang hita niya sa kaliwang hita ko. Pucha!, sabi ko sa sarili ko. This is fucking happening, dagdag ko.

Tulad ng dati, ginapang ko ang kaliwang kamay ko sa hita niya patungo sa sandata niya. (whatta?!)

Bumalik ang alaala ng mga kalokohan namin noon. At pucha, malaki parin talaga ang alaga niya.

Hindi na ko nagpa-virgin. Imbes na himas-himasin ko lang muna, tumungo na agad ako sa kanya. Ngumingisi. Gusto kong maging kumportable siya at ipaalam na di niya kailangan magtulog-tulugan.

Sinubo ko na agad siya. Marahil kulang lang ako sa ensayo o talaga lumaki pa siya lalo makalipas ang ilang taon. I vote the latter. Kasi pucha, di talaga kasya yung haba at taba ng alaga niya sa bibig ko. Ang hirap isubo lahat.

Tinanggal ko ang shorts niya at sumagot naman siya sa pagtanggal ng sando niya. So like ako, puta, this is really happening. Sinimulan ko ang pagromansa sa kanya mula leeg pababa. Gusto ko sana subukang halikan siya kaso natakot akong ma-reject.

Makalipas ang ilang minutong pagsubo at pag dila sa kanyang general groin area, di pa siya umaabot sa rurok. Napagod na ang leeg at bibig ko. Kako, nakakapagod. Natawa naman siya ng kaunti.


On having a big dick
"Lalo pa tong lumaki ah," ika ko habang jinajakol siya

"Talaga? Parang hindi naman"

"Kawawa naman yung mga gf mo,"

"Yan nga sabi nila pag nakikita nila agad yan eh. Sa una talaga nasasaktan sila"


Nangawit na talaga ako sa kakajakol sa kanya kaya siya na ang sumalo. Tinuloy ko na lang ang pagdila sa kanya "doon" hanggang siya ay labasan. Pinunsan ko siya at tumabi na ako sa kanya.


On questioning his sexuality
" Bakit ba natin 'to ginagawa?" tanong niya

"Actually, yun nga itatanong ko sa'yo eh", sagot ko

"Di ko rin alam eh. Parang gusto ko lang gawin"

"Ah okay."

"Babae naman gusto ko pero, pag sayo parang gusto ko gawin yan"

On exclusivity
"Bakla ba ako?," aniya

"Nagawa mo na ba yan sa iba... (lalaki)," tanong ko

"Hindi. Simula highschool, ikaw lang, "sagot niya

Sa puntong iyon, medyo natawa ako. Ang mushy diba?

"Haha. Pakinggan mo ulit yung sinabi.."

"Ay pucha, nakakatawa nga noh. Pero seryoso, ikaw lang talaga. Ang weird mang sabihin"

"Haha, salamat ha. Feeling ko malibog ka lang. May gusto kang subukan. Pero sabi mo nga di mo naman hinahanap, tsaka sa babae ka naman nagkakagusto. So wag mo nalang masyado pag-isipan yun."


On coming out
"Tingin mo, okay lang umamin sa kanila (barkada)"

"Kailangan pa ba? Di ba parang open secret naman?"

"Talaga? Yun ba iniisip ninyo?"

"Di naman. Pero parang alam na namin eh. Tsaka kahit sabihin mo, tropa tayo eh. Walang magbabago"

"Awww. Salamat"

"Sino ba naka-ano mo noong highschool?"

"haha. marami pero di na mahalaga yun. may mga asawa at anak na yung iba sa kanila."

"Ang alam ko lang, si *****"

"Bakit alam mo yun?"

"Gagu, ikaw kaya nagsabi noon"


On friendship
"Hoy, mag-iingat ka doon ha."

"Ano?"

"Alam mo na yun."

"Ah. Oo. Malinis naman ako. Di ako naggaganun."


Matapos yung gabing 'yon pakiramdam ko ang lapit na naming dalawa. I mean, kakaiba pala yung may close kang straight. Nakakalungkot lang na di ko siya makausap dahil hawak ng gf niya ang socmed accounts niya.

Kung tinatanong ninyo kung matutuloy parin yung gawain namin kahit magpakasal na siya eventually.. hindi ko alam..

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Inception

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I don't remember if I've written an inception story before but I had the weirdest (or hottest) inception dream the other night.

It was weird because it involves people from college that I haven't seen for quite awhile. So here's how the dream/s went.

I was sitting on a couch with, let's just call him, John. John is tall, dark, quiet, hairy, mysterious, and straight guy that I have always had a crush on since college. We were there talking with another college bud.  The conversation was vague. I don't exactly paid much attention to it because I was a bit distracted. I noticed that John was slightly leaning on my right arm where I was putting my body weight on.

Of course, I am far too familiar with those kinds of signals - brushing, touching, nudging, leaning - coming from straight guys. It's obvious that he was flirting. Being straight, he doesn't want to come of as gay by initiating flirting/sex. They tease you. And I, horny as heck (in my dream, coz it's been so long since my last sex. oh you don't know how hard it is living in a different land without sex or a boyfriend to call at night. well that's a different story) I took the bait.

Not attracting attention, I slid my hand in John's shirt, gliding my fingers on his back. I felt a slight twitch from him. Without him actually looking at me or trying to stop me, I got my approval. continued to rub my hand slowly through his back, teasing ever so lightly his butt crack and cheeks.  The I realized that the dream was a sleepover. So we went to our respective beds.

Here's where it becomes vague. Im not sure what happened in between but we ended up on separate adjacent beds. At that point I got frustrated, I thought he wanted to get freaky (do people still say that?!). I got up my bed and crawled to his. I laid beside him, slid my body in his blanket and inched my way closer to him. (Come to think of it, I guess my mind was recreating a scene from when I had my first night sleeping with a certain blogger/tweep. Going back...)

Just when I was about to go down on his hairy bodeh, I awaken. I awaken thinking what a weird dream that was. They say that your mind tells you things through your dreams, and I thought my mind was telling me to get laid, or I was so tigang na. (pardon the taglish). I went out that day, still thinking about the dream, went about my daily life. At the end of the day, I met up with a college girl friend who had a crush/love for John. I told her about my dream and we were both laughing hard while drinking our cosmos. At that point I realized I was still dreaming because that girl friend was in the other end of the country. That's when I finally awaken.

I got up from bed, which I only sleep on during weekends, and pull out my totem to make sure I was not dreaming anymore. That's when I messaged my girl friend.

"Girl, I just had the weirdest inception dream. It involved you, me and John. Pero bastos."


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Clarity

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Thing are starting to be clear now.

I have been seeing a number of pictures of Ilocos in my Newsfeed. It reminded me of the trip with the ex. It was a fun memory. Touring the region, the attractions, scenes, and landmarks.

But along with those happy memories is the first time we almost break up. For some reason I was having a fit. I wasn't sure what I was going through but it felt like I was having a tantrum. 

Looking back, I realize now why I said thoses words to him that time. I told him that he was better off without me, that he needs ssomeone else, that he needs someone who would be able to take care of him. In short, he needed someone better.

Remembering it all now, I realize more things about my feelings then. I realize now that it would be selfish for me to want him to go to the US with me and leave his family. It would be selfish for me to leave him in the Philippines for a while and wait for me to petition for him. And it wouls be selfish of me to ask him to marry me so he can be an immigrant too if he doesn't want to.

Now it's becoming clear. All this time that I kept on wanting him back is because I don't want to be alone and lonely. I was being selfish. I am being selfish.

Now I realize that I do have to let him be. Let him be happy where he is now and who he is with.

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the blues

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Matapos kong ihinto ang sasakyan sa paradahan, di ko na napigilang umiyak. Habang tumutugtog ang kanta ni reyna Whitney Houston na I Have Nothing, ako naman ay humahagulgol. Di ko maintindihan kung anong lungkot yung bumalot sa akin.

Galing ako sa pasyente kanina. Sila ay matandang mag-asawa na nakatira sa isang assisted living facility. Tinanong ko yung babae tungkol sa kanilang anak. Ika niya, sa malapit lang nagtatrabaho yung anak niya kaya dito sila tumira para malapit lang habang hinihintay nilang sila ay umalis.

Nakuha ko agad ang gusto niyang sabihin. Doon sila tumira upang malapit lang sila sa kanilang anak kung sakaling may mawal sa kanilang dalawa.

Tuloy-tuloy lang ang hagulgol ko sa kotse sa pagpatuloy ni Whitney sa I Will Always Love You. Inisip ko marahil nabalot ako ng pinaghalong takot at lungkot.

Takot na tumanda mag-isa. Takot na tumanda na walang makakasama. Takot na umabot ako sa edad na hindi ko man lamang kayang alagaan ang sarili ko.

Ganito na lamang ba ang buhay? Magtatrabaho ka para kumita pero para saan? Malaki nga ang kita ko dito sa America pero mag-isa naman ako. Maganda nga ang buhay ko pero pag-uwi ko naman sa apartment, walang sasalubong sa akin. Malungkot. Malungkot mamuhay sa ibang bansa. Sana kayanin ko.


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Unsettling

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Unsettling
- adj. making you upset, dismay, disturb, uneasy

This is the feeling I really hate experiencing. It's like when something disrupts your current state and makes you feel uneasy and anxious. It's like having your brain think of a thousand thoughts all at the same time.

I never liked this feeling even in growing up. I see to it that everything is put into place before I retire to bed or leave the scene. I don't want to go home with so much uncertainty and vagueness. It'll just keep me up at night.

What happens if the issue is left hanging is that I wouldn't be able to think straight or I might make decisions hastily. It wouldn't be a sound decision. It would be rushed and I wouldn't care about what would happen next. I would just like to settle things at once.

Another is if that thing is left hanging, I would just totally give up on that. I would have to turn my back and just not care - at all. I'd rather be apathetic than feel hurt or dismayed or anxious or bewildered. There are far greater things to attend to than lose all my wits on that.

And so now, two hours past midnight, I can't sleep. I have a thousand things running through my mind - a thousand things to reflect on, most of which begins with "why."

I hope after this time, I wouldn't have to feel this way again.
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