Unsettling

Unsettling
- adj. making you upset, dismay, disturb, uneasy

This is the feeling I really hate experiencing. It's like when something disrupts your current state and makes you feel uneasy and anxious. It's like having your brain think of a thousand thoughts all at the same time.

I never liked this feeling even in growing up. I see to it that everything is put into place before I retire to bed or leave the scene. I don't want to go home with so much uncertainty and vagueness. It'll just keep me up at night.

What happens if the issue is left hanging is that I wouldn't be able to think straight or I might make decisions hastily. It wouldn't be a sound decision. It would be rushed and I wouldn't care about what would happen next. I would just like to settle things at once.

Another is if that thing is left hanging, I would just totally give up on that. I would have to turn my back and just not care - at all. I'd rather be apathetic than feel hurt or dismayed or anxious or bewildered. There are far greater things to attend to than lose all my wits on that.

And so now, two hours past midnight, I can't sleep. I have a thousand things running through my mind - a thousand things to reflect on, most of which begins with "why."

I hope after this time, I wouldn't have to feel this way again.