What if you were here


Inside a church, I saw two brothers. The older one looked like he was in his teens and his brother seemed he was just around eight. Then, another brother came along, he seemed to be a year or two younger than the older brother. Just like you and me. 

Then it got me thinking, what would it be like if you were here? Would life be any different if I'd be an older brother?

If you were here, I'd have a constant buddy in everything I wanted to do. We can go nature-tripping and be adventure junkies. We can drive around the city or even outside the city just because we're bored. I wouldn't have to look anywhere else for a companion because there you'll be in your room always ready to tag along.

We could do all sort of things together. If you can play an instrument and me singing, we can form a band. We could excel in sports together and later be known in the community. We can enter showbiz together and be famous. We can party all night long and not care about the world. We can start a business from what we are passionate about. We can go to the gym together and look all sexy. Girls (and guys) would fall head over heels for us. We would be each other's biggest competition which would motivate us to be the best.

If you were here, we could explore puberty together. It's more fun to have someone to compare things with and experience things with. I could teach you a thing or two, or maybe you'll do all the teaching. It'll be like comparing notes and maybe more.

If you were here, even though dad is not participatory in our family, I would still have all the male-love I can have from you. You'll be my brother, bestfriend, and partner-in-crime. We would be inseperable. And we could bully our older sister all day and all night long.

But I wonder if things would have been different if your're here. Would I still be me? The smart, kind, gentle son that I am now. The favorite of the family. Or would I fall into the stereotype of a middle child - the rebel, disrespectful, arrogant. 

I wonder if I would still turn out the same way. Would I be in this same lifestyle, same orientation? Perhaps not.Perhaps, I would have taken the big brother role and protect my siblings. I would have defended you from bullies and taught you how to be a man since our father couldn't.

If I'd be the same, would you accept me for who I am? I want to think so, and you'd be cool about it. We'd still do guy stuff, or you'll teach me sports, cars, and all that shiznit.

I wonder if you'd turn out to be like me. If you did, just like me, then we could grow more closer. Having someone close to you, guide you through the process is such a big deal. It's hard enough to go through it in a homophobic environment, let alone experience it on your own.

I bet life would have been easier if you're here. I bet our family would have been still together if you're here. I bet I would be less lonely knowing I have someone to lean on for strength. 

I really wish you're still here. 

Photo from here.


  1. This is so touching. I also wish that I had a younger sibling, someone I can spoil and protect.

  2. @Zai: he joined our Creator before I even had the chance to play with him.

    @Billie: thanks. also for dropping by. :)

  3. that's sad.. i feel for you..