Falling in and out of love

Something I read days ago suddenly helped me remember an entry I was supposed to write. This was supposed to be a post long time ago after a known couple broke up. They were together for  how many years and everybody in the the blogging and microblogging worlds know of their relationship. That is why there was shock when news of their separation broke out. Word has it that one of them may have fallen out of love. And later it was discovered that he had already been seeing someone. So observers like me can't help but wonder, which came first, falling out of love or falling in love with somebody else.

To shed more light on the topic, I asked some friends regarding the subject at hand. To elicit unbiased  and general answers, I purposely omitted the inspiration of my inquiry.

When someone is breaking up and reasoned that he already "fallen out of love", does it mean he has already "fallen in love" with somebody else?

- Hindi naman. Pero pedeng un ang reason kaya na fell out of love siya dun sa current jowa

- No. You may fall out of love simply because you want your freedom back. Ibang case ang you fell for someone else.

- Falling out of Love is born out of feeling lost and nowhere in a supposed right time and place, with the supposed right person. Falling in Love with someone else, I guess, is just simply what stupid people do. right? :)

- I think they're distinct from each other. You can fall out of love with your lover, without falling in love with somebody else. I've seen it

- hmm should be two different things. Some people claim they could love two people at the same time. I believe it can happen that you just fall out love. It has happened to me, with no third party around.


Then a follow up question:

Can you give me an example where you would believe or not believe you're partner's reason: "fell out of love?"

- My ex "fell out of love." before he said it. It was gut feel. I believed him. I set him free. I "fell out of love" sa ex ko before the most recent. I gave him 6-8 months of steady distance before i broke up. Took me two years to start a relationship again.

- Naku haha, when your partner says he fell out of love, yun na yun. Wala ka ng laban. That's the kindest way for him to tell you it's over.

- Well it would start with determining if there's reason to think there might be a third party.

In my general opinion, I believe that just like people can grow in love with someone over time, they can also grow out of love. Because people change, and so do feelings. You can't expect someone to have the same intensity or quality of love as when you first met them and last after 5, 10 years or so. That would be highly idealistic, bordering on false hope.

What you can and should expect is that over the course of your relationship, you should have planted enough memories, moments, and values that could not wither as years go by. That those years spent together helped your relationship grow stronger even if storms of lust, boredom, and temptation pass.

But in the event that these planted seeds of memories are not enough to keep your feelings from flying away, it should still demand respect from you. Falling or growing out of love should not throw away the respect and gratitude towards your soon-to-be previous partner. No matter how you fell out of love, those times you spent with that person should have enough weight  that you still consider his feelings as you go in your separate ways. You owe him that.

He deserves your honesty. He deserves to know that you're having doubts, and what's going through your mind. You can't just drop a bomb on him all of a sudden as if you are the only one in that relationship. And most especially, he deserves not to be cheated on. Just because your love is lesser should not mean you can treat that person any lesser too.

I'd like to acknowledge and extend my gratitude to my respondents for sharing their time and experience in answering those questions.

JM of L'Heure Bleue

CC of Corporate Closet

Kyllick of [A] Paper Xparrow

Mac of Living the Expectations

Kane of Human, All Too Human