Closet Clutters

Bale ika-16 na ng Hulyo ngayon sa Pinas at bukas ay ika-17 na. Dapat ay tatlong taon na kami ng huli kong kasintahan bukas. Ngunit  tulad ng nasabi ko na sa nakaraang post ay wala na kami. Hindi kami umabot ng isang taon, ni hindi namin nasubukan 'yung pinaghahandaan naming LDR. Kung bakit kami naghiwalay ay sa ibang pagkakataon ko na sasabihin. Hindi iyon ang pakay ko sa post na ito bagkos, ngayon ang simula ng aking paghilom. "Paghilom?! Arteh! Dalawang taon na kayong wala. Move-on, move-on din." Oo, paghilom. Tama nga, dalawang taon na nga. Ngunit kailangan ko maging totoo. Hindi ganoon kadali ang magpatuloy o mag-"move on" tulad ng sinasabi ng nakararami. Sabi nga sa kasabihan, madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. Ngunit pakiramdam ko ito na ang tamang oras na harapin lahat ng mga alaala at pangyayari at ito na rin ang tamang panahom simulan ito. Sa totoo, ito na ang pinakamatagal ko bago maka-move-on. Doon sa unang tatlo kong kasintahan, mabilis akon...

It was in an event of some sort. The venue was packed. People were chatting, drinking, dancing in every corner. Around the venue were booths, probably of the event's sponsors. I went around the place, trying to see who was there. Surprisingly, I was with a date. I have met him weeks before, but the interest slowly faded. As I walk around the dance floor, moving from booth to booth, I noticed a familiar signage. It was the logo of the company where the ex works. Manning the booth was none other than HiM, my ex. Throughout the event, I tried my best to avoid seeing him, or even talking to him. But the more I try to avoid him, the more that we tend to gravitate towards each other. Then finally, as I was talking to some random dude, like in a classic cliche rom com fashion, we were back to back having our own separate conversations, when we bumped into each other. "Oh. Hi!" I said, as if I was surprised. "Hey!" "You wanna grab something to drink f...

Just saw Love, Simon in our town cinema. I saw it alone. I just had to see it. There's something about coming of age movies, and teen love stories that excites me. I came out of the theater with a renewed sense of hope for love after seeing the movie. Its poster reads "Everyone deserves a great love story." I do believe that now. I do believe that everyone deserves a great love story. I deserve a great love story too. After my last relationship I lost any hope or enthusiasm for love. I thought that my last relationship might have been the last time I'll be able to love again, the last time I'll be able to give myself and love so much that it hurts. But this movie gave me new found belief that someday, I'll find someone who I could spend the rest of my life with. It wasn't just the love story that I related to from the movie. It was also the struggle of Simon in coming out and his struggle for acceptance not just by the school but also his family and ...

Recently I got in touch with the highschool barkada and of course, the secret kalandian was there. I think I have mentioned him in one of my entries before. Well, just to give you guys an idea again: he's slightly taller than me, a bit in the skinny side, dark, and well-endowed. So heto na nga. Bilang matagal kaming hindi nagkitang magbabarkada, maraming kwentuhang naganap. Inabot kami ng madaling araw. Nagsiuwian na ang lahat maliban sa akin. Si Kalan (kalandian) naman, nandoon rin siyempre kasi bahay niya yun. Balak ko magpaiwan  talaga para makipagkwentuhan pa kasi matagal ko rin siyang di nakakausap nang personal. At naalala ko noong huli naming pagkikita/pagsasama, wala namang naganap sa amin dahil may gf siya noon. Ngayon, may gf ulit siya (bago) kaya inalis ko na sa utak ko na pwedeng may mangyari ulit sa amin. Naupo ako sa kama ninya habang nakaharap naman siya sa computer niya at nagke-kwento ng mga bagay tungkol sa trabaho niya at sa hobby niya na video editing. ...

I don't remember if I've written an inception story before but I had the weirdest (or hottest) inception dream the other night. It was weird because it involves people from college that I haven't seen for quite awhile. So here's how the dream/s went. I was sitting on a couch with, let's just call him, John. John is tall, dark, quiet, hairy, mysterious, and straight guy that I have always had a crush on since college. We were there talking with another college bud.  The conversation was vague. I don't exactly paid much attention to it because I was a bit distracted. I noticed that John was slightly leaning on my right arm where I was putting my body weight on. Of course, I am far too familiar with those kinds of signals - brushing, touching, nudging, leaning - coming from straight guys. It's obvious that he was flirting. Being straight, he doesn't want to come of as gay by initiating flirting/sex. They tease you. And I, horny as heck (in my dream, c...

Thing are starting to be clear now. I have been seeing a number of pictures of Ilocos in my Newsfeed. It reminded me of the trip with the ex. It was a fun memory. Touring the region, the attractions, scenes, and landmarks. But along with those happy memories is the first time we almost break up. For some reason I was having a fit. I wasn't sure what I was going through but it felt like I was having a tantrum.  Looking back, I realize now why I said thoses words to him that time. I told him that he was better off without me, that he needs ssomeone else, that he needs someone who would be able to take care of him. In short, he needed someone better. Remembering it all now, I realize more things about my feelings then. I realize now that it would be selfish for me to want him to go to the US with me and leave his family. It would be selfish for me to leave him in the Philippines for a while and wait for me to petition for him. And it wouls be selfish of me to ask him to...

Matapos kong ihinto ang sasakyan sa paradahan, di ko na napigilang umiyak. Habang tumutugtog ang kanta ni reyna Whitney Houston na I Have Nothing, ako naman ay humahagulgol. Di ko maintindihan kung anong lungkot yung bumalot sa akin. Galing ako sa pasyente kanina. Sila ay matandang mag-asawa na nakatira sa isang assisted living facility. Tinanong ko yung babae tungkol sa kanilang anak. Ika niya, sa malapit lang nagtatrabaho yung anak niya kaya dito sila tumira para malapit lang habang hinihintay nilang sila ay umalis. Nakuha ko agad ang gusto niyang sabihin. Doon sila tumira upang malapit lang sila sa kanilang anak kung sakaling may mawal sa kanilang dalawa. Tuloy-tuloy lang ang hagulgol ko sa kotse sa pagpatuloy ni Whitney sa I Will Always Love You. Inisip ko marahil nabalot ako ng pinaghalong takot at lungkot. Takot na tumanda mag-isa. Takot na tumanda na walang makakasama. Takot na umabot ako sa edad na hindi ko man lamang kayang alagaan ang sarili ko. Ganito na lamang ba ...