Jeepney chronicles (again)

,
In a jeepney.

Still on my struggle in finding my identity, a scene flashed backed in my head. Inside the bathroom. Just came home from a recurring one night stand. 

I was taking a bath. All that was in my head was the thought of being dirty. I needed to clean myself thoroughly. I felt so dirty. So this is how someone raped must feel like, I thought. But I was not raped. Yet I felt so empty, so used. It felt like nothing good came out of that night. Though I had a moment of pleasure, it still wasn't what I needed. Maybe I have done it so many times that it wasn't as special as before. At some point, I grew tired of the same pattern. We meet. We eat. We go somewhere quiet. Or we drink. But as always, we end up in bed. I leave, he leaves, or we both leave separately. Maybe that's where my perception of love and relationship got messed up. At some point, I got fed up of being in this lifestyle / orientation. I got even more confused. If I am already sick of rods, does that mean I should start enjoying labias? I doubted if I was really meant to be in the rainbow team.

Alighted. Walked through the pedestrian crossing.

Is this just a phase? If this was a phase, shouldn't I be moving on now? Am I that fixated? But fixated on what? Penis envy? Daddy issue? Longing for a brotherly love?

But sometimes I enjoy it. Seeing their facial expression as they come. Cringing in ecstasy with their mouths open. Unable to contain the sensation as I continue to pump out every single drop until they beg me to stop. Quite fun to see them drop and just lay there, totally spent and sweaty. But sweet as I rest my head on their warm chest.

I can't be a metrosexual. I don't even care about my clothes and my body image. Bisexual maybe. But I should be aroused or attracted to women to be that. Maybe I am just that lustful that I could swing both ways. Maybe. I dunno.

10 comments:

  1. In time you will find out. Cheers!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. kahit sang angulo ko basahin nakakadugo pa rin talaga ang english ng mga pinoy. hahaha..XD

    matatagpuan mo rin yang da only one mo. wag na lungkot.

    ReplyDelete
  3. you're not alone, darating ka din sa point na lahat ng SEB magsasawa ka na rin and marealize mo anu important at anu talaga gusto mo :) for now stay safe at enjoy mo lang

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mugen: I hope so. Thanks! :)

    Cy: nakakadugo kasi mali-mali? churi hehe

    Seth: Ah akala ko ako lang yung ganun. Thanks, though nothing's happening to me right now. Highschool pa yang recollection na yan.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can relate but I am not Bisexual. I am Gay : )

    ReplyDelete
  6. What ever rocks your boat, as they say :)

    'But sweet as I rest my head on their warm chest' - I love this line, btw :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. na confused me. LOLz.

    Salamat sa pag visit sa blog. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. waaaah si daddy. :) salamat din sa pagdalaw! hehe :D

    ReplyDelete
  9. panghayskul nga tong muni muni na to. at this generation nga, as early as gradeshool.

    ung iba, sadyang mapusok, na pati sa lalaki papatol mairaos lang ang libog. does that make them exclusively homosexual? i don't think so.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Victor: Highschool nga yang eksenang yan hehe tipong virginal lang.

    Yun din ang iniisip ko before. yung ibang kalalakihan, nagpaparaos lang.

    ReplyDelete