Misconceived Actions

I remember my initial reaction - sincere happiness. I was happy for him, for having found that one special person he would love; someone he won't grow tired loving. And most especially, I was happy that he is happy.

But later on, I can't help but feel sad, sad that he is someone else's love; sad that it wasn't me. But mostly because I felt sorry for myself believing that we can be together, that there can be us.

This happened a long time ago. I had a crush on him the moment I saw his face. And I began to like him more as we get to spend more time with each other. He was good-looking, cool and very much masculine; traits that are a huge turn-on to me. I told myself that there is no way this guy would like someone like me. So I just settled to being his friend. That way, I can still be close to him.

But there came a time when things went further than friendship, well, at least that's what I thought it did. Something happened between us. I was hesitant at first but since it was what I wanted for so long and he seemed to wanted it too [at that time], who am I to resist, right?

It happened so fast. From that night on, we started to exchange sweet messages. I believed that there was something that could happen between us. We already had a pet name to call each other. I was so into him. And I think I told him that I liked him  even before I have met him. We looked forward to another chance to spending the night together.

But I was such a fool for playing it cool. I knew he was seeing other people. Still, I tried to block the emotions out and didn't let it bother me. It was my mistake for playing the supportive friend.

One night, I was just surprised to discovered that he's already taken and that it was very much serious.

I was just dumbfounded. I didn't know how to react. We were not a couple in the first place, so why should I be jealous? Why should I be angry? But I was just in so deep that it was hard not to feel broken.

And what's more heartbreaking was that his partner was someone who I had a thing with as well. (What happened to me and his partner was not the same as what happened to us. It was mostly rousing online videos and chats.)

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So what's the point of this entry? Please don't get me wrong. I'm not being bitter.

I just what to remind myself of that time when I felt my heart break. It's just sad. It was an awful feeling. Maybe you'll wonder why I felt that way where in the first place, there was no commitment from any of us; no exclusivity; no agreement. But you have to understand. It was my emotion that I invested. Therefore, it is valid for me.

And more than feeling sad, I felt sorry for myself. Sorry for allowing myself to feel that way. Sorry for letting someone come in too close. Sorry for being so vulnerable.

It wasn't their fault, obviously not. It was all on me. I was the idiot one hoping and believing for something so far-fetched. Both of them stable, both good-looking. They're perfect for each other.

As for me, I learned a lot from this experience. No matter how hard you try to guard your heart, there will come a person who'll let all those chains loose. And when that moment comes, you'll be vulnerable You won't even notice you're already baring your soul. It would be a nice ride. You'll feel blissful, heavenly, even. However when the heartache comes, it will take you by surprise. You'll think less of yourself, feel sorry for yourself, and eventually question if you're still worthy of any love. You'll cry alone. You'll even cry in front of your friends. You'll laugh at your silliness, crying over a guy, in front of your friend, in a public place. But what's important is that you don't let go of yourself as you go through this tough times. Life goes on. There is nothing you can do about it and obviously nothing you can do about them. After you cry your heart out, block out everything that brings back those sad memories. Don't think it's sour graping. It's called moving forward. Remember that moving on is a choice. It is your choice who you want to keep in your life and who you discard. You write your own story. You decide it's ending. And dear, you'll know it's just about time to write a new chapter.