I Just Don't

Talking to a friend about when her tongue slipped the other night.

Her: Oh, I didn't know she doesn't know.
Me: No, I haven't told her.
H: I thought she knows.
M: No.
H: Does [insert another close friend's name] know?
M: No. She doesn't know either.
H: Why? Why don't you wanna tell her?
M: I just don't.
H: We're friends, we'll understand you.
M: I just don't want to tell anybody else about it.
H. Why? I don't get it.
M: I just don't want to say.
----

Actually our conversation was longer than that with her still asking me why I don't want to tell one of our closest friends about my secret. It ended with her just accepting my reason why I don't want to tell anybody else about it.

On my way home, I kept on thinking of a deeper reason why I don't want to tell them - people who I consider my closest friends - about who I am. If I was the friend, I would not settle for just any reason. It must be substantial enough to devoid me of not knowing who my friend truly is. So here's what I thought of.

I don't want to tell them about it because I just want them to see me the same way as the first time they saw me and not just their gay friend. I don't want to talk about my intimate life with them - my closest girl friends - because first and foremost, they are girls. I find it to be awkward and disrespectful to women to talk about a man's sex life. I believe that no matter how close a guy or a gay guy and a girl is, a guy should never talk about sex with a girl. I have gay friends for that. I also just want to avoid instances wherein they'll become too comfortable with me and treat me as one of the girls like ask me how they look or if their shoes match their dress or piss with the restroom door open or change in front of me. And lastly, I think if ever I should tell anybody about my secret, it should be me who would open it up and in my own time.