Please Try Again

Last week I applied for a study program in Japan. It was supposed to last for 5months that will run from September to February next year. If I would be chosen, I would stay in a dormitory or in a local household and will be immersed in the community where the earthquake made greater damage. More than the chance to live abroad, enroll in a foreign university, and be surrounded by students from different countries, I was looking forward spending Christmas and New Year in a foreign land and seeing snow. I know, my motivations seems childish. What can I do, I want to personally experience diving in snow.

So anyway, the program mechanics said that chosen participants will be notified by email on July 25 (Wednesday). I sent my application last Friday. The wait was very excruciating. Four nights of anxiety, until the day came. All day, I waited - from the moment I woke up at noon till 6pm before I go to a meeting. No email came from the embassy from Japan. So I guess I wasn't accepted. 'I shouldn't feel rejected, at least I tried, it would have hurt more if I didn't, I should just think that there are others more suited for the program,' I thought.

But until dawn today when I got home, I still opened my email inbox to see if there's a message from the embassy. When I woke up today at noon, the first thing I did was still open my inbox. I felt kind of pathetic still hoping for an email. I guess I'm still in denial or maybe there's still hope inside that wants to believe in miracles. In any case, I did learn something about myself in this experience.

I learned that I want to be notified even if I am to be rejected. I'd rather have the embassy send me a Thank-you-for-applying-but-your-not-the-one-we-are-looking-for message, than keep on opening my inbox hoping for good news. Like I want you to tell me the truth even though it hurts. Like I want to feel the immense pain now, than prolong the agony. Because, I think that the more one is kept in the dark, he'll keep on guessing, and as he keeps on guessing, he'll be stuck in that moment. and when he's stuck he can't progress. and if he can't progress how can find other things that can help him feel fulfilled.