How did you know?

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Everybody has their own story how they knew they were different. When I was a teenager and trying to explore my sexual curiosity, I often ask people like me this question, 'how did you know?'

And for all you reading, here's my answer.

I already knew I was different in sixth grade when I can't seem to act normal around jocks in school. I usually stammer or act weird whenever we talk. And I couldn't maintain eye-contact with them without feeling shy. Yes, I think that was the first time I had a crush on someone.

That was the time when I was conscious of how different I was based on my feelings and actions. But later on, I realized that I already had homosexual tendencies  as young as 7 years old.

When I was at that age, my mom used to bring me with her to her workplace. Her boss was a sweet old lady with a son which also helps her in the business. The son was tall, friendly, and very pleasant looking (I didn't have any concept of sexy that time). And as I kid, I can't seem to take my eyes off him. It was like I was drawn to him. I didn't know anything about crushes that time. I just knew that I was excited whenever I see him. I was fond of being with him.

When I was at the Prep level, I was being brought to and from school by a service. All grade levels were mixed in the vehicle - from Prep to Highschool. There was this senior who I was very fond of seeing. Again, friendly, pleasant, and brotherly. I could remember being touchy with him - holding his arm, resting my head on his laps. At that age, it seemed benign. But now looking back, I guess I did have a crush on him or something. Or maybe, I was just looking for a big brother figure. Quite confusing actually.

And to confuse me more as a kid, I remember a time when I was in first grade, all of us students were sitting by the wall. I don't know how it all started by I vaguely recall touching my classmate's stiff pecker and I was letting him touch mine. We didn't actually masturbate but I remember feeling a weird kind of pleasure that time.

There was also this instance when I was with my cousins. I was in third grade, I think. At that time, I already discovered the pleasure of masturbation but didn't know what it was called.(You're right, dry O's) At my cousins, I remember being in the room with one of them who is the same age as I was. I remember sitting at the side of the bed with my boner out of my shorts and my cousin at my side doing the same thing. We were touching each other's dick and occasionally stroking it. However, I don't remember ending it with a mutual jack off session.

So, that's it. That's how I knew.

And by junior year highschool, I shared my secret to my dearest and closest friends who from then on I consider as brothers. Also, at that time, I engaged in my first exploratory experience in bed with a classmate.

I guess there's a difference between knowing and accepting. I think I already knew early on in my life that I was different from other boys. But I only started to accept it when I began to acknowledge that it's a part of me. And by acknowledging it, I started to embrace it. I became less confused and paranoid and introverted and homophobic. However, accepting it doesn't it mean that being gay is all that you are. There are still more to you than your gender. And the sooner you accept who you are, the sooner you can really be comfortable with your skin. Well, that's an advice I also tell myself until now.


How bout you, how'd you know?

4 comments:

  1. you dont want to get me started. lol

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  2. ahuh so this is how ur journey began...

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  3. I was born into this world wrapped in glitter - that's how I knew :)

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