Closet Clutters

Yesterday night, my friends and I went out for dinner. During our talk a friend suggested to share our year-end evaluations. Since I've already blogged about how my year went, I was quick to answer his question. His next topic was to complete the statement: 2012 taught me to.... I haven't really thought of the lessons or general theme of the closing year so I got to think about my answer. And here's what I shared. "2012 taught me to just keep on trying. Maybe I'll succeed, maybe I won't. No matter what the outcome may be, what's important is that I have tried that I have exerted effort to reach my dream. Even though I take things a day at a time, not really making long term plans, I still have goals for whatever opportunities and I would make every step to take advantage of that chance. I believe that it's better to have tried (in love, in career, and in life) than to regret not trying at all." So that's it. And with this, I end my 2012 ...

Too-Ow-Wan-Too Ang saya rin ng naging taon na ito. Kahit na wala masyadong gala o outdoor activities o active lifestyle keme (nahawa na ko sa mga kaibigan ko, hehe), naging maayos at makabuluhan pa rin ang taon. Pasado! May dalawa akong mga exams na kinuha noong simula ng taon. Awa ng Diyos nakapasa naman ako sa pareho. Kahit di ko pa dama ang epekto ng pagpasa ko sa exams na yun ngayon, masaya pa rin ako na nagbunga rin ang mga paghihirap ko sa pag-aaral para dun. Pagkabigo. Sabi nga nila, subok lang nang subok. Try lang nang try. Go lang nang go. Kaya marami akong sinubukan ngunit marami rin ang pagkakataong ako ay nabigo. Pero hindi ba't ganyan naman talaga ang buhay. Kailangan natin maramdaman ang pagkabigo para mas pahalagahan natin ang tagumpay. Tsaka sabi nga nila 'di ba, mas mabuti na 'yung subukan kaysa pagsisihan ang lumagpas na pagkakataon. Love and Lost Tumibok ang puso ko muli ngayong taon ngaunit kung gaano kabilis siya dumating ganoon din s...

Pagkababa ko ng EDSA-Crossing, naisipan kong maglakad-lakad muna sa Greenfield District. Ibang-iba na talaga siya sa pagkakaalala ko dito noon. May parang park sa gitna tapos marami ng magagandang kainan. Tumotyal na talaga yung lugar. Sa park ang daming tao. Mga batang nagtatakbuhan, mga mag-syota naglalampungan at pamilyang nagpipicnic. Aba! Ginawang luneta ang totyal na park. Tapos may tumutugtog sa katapat ng The Hub. Instrumental. Flute at Piano. Puro Christmas songs. Ang ganda lang ng rendition nila. May jazz flair yung mga kanta. Sarap mag-stop and stare kaso wala namang taong nakatigil so gora lang ako sa paglalakad. Habang naglalakad na-gets ko tuloy kung bakit maraming magsyotang pinipiling tumambay lang sa park. Iba rin kasi yung feeling na kayo lang, naglalakad or magkatabing nakaupo. Staring at the moonlit sky. Tapos magkahawak ng kamay. Nakasandal yung ulo niya sa balikat mo. O di kaya, nakahiga ka sa hita niya. Hangsweet lang di ba? Ako naman si inggetero. Tseh...

All I need Kissing you is not what I had planned And now I'm not so sure just where I stand I wasn't looking for true love But now you're looking at me You're the only one I can think of You're the only one I see All I need Is just a little more time To be sure what I feel Is it all in my mind Cause it seems so hard to believe That you're all I need Honestly, I didn't know how to start this post. All I knew was I wanted to write about the topic. And surprisingly the song above by Jack Wagner played on the radio. I experienced my first kiss in high school when a lover greeted me as I wake up with what I recalled to be the most magical moment in my life. His kiss was soft and tender, passionate but a little restrained, and there was definitely fireworks. I was euphoric for days after that. Same goes with my first girl kiss. But this time, she was aggressive. Her lips was soft and cherry-flavored. I walked like a zombie after tha...

Pardon the tone. I just came home from the Christmas eve mass filled with the Christmas spirit. I was giddy and chirpy coming home, excited to see all my little siblings. But when I came home, there were no lights, no children. There was no one there. I ate spaghetti alone on a table made for eight. Then annoying Auntie went down the stairs from her room and social-climbing cousin came in the front door. Then I felt all my Christmas spirit get bottled up again and locked in a vault with all my Christmas spirits in the past years. I went to the local convenience store to grab a bottle of wine for myself. I want to drown myself in the spirit of alcohol just to make myself a little bit happier. But I thought, I would seem more pathetic and miserable to drink all by myself. I don't know what's with these recent Christmases that made me feel this way. I feel like a child who did not receive a gift, or one whose parents did not come home from their work abroad, or an orphan...

Kausap ko kaninang hapon yung kaibigan ko. Nabanggit ko sa kanya na parang ngayon, di ko dama yung pasko. Parang dumating ang December na wala lang. Tapos sa susunod na linggo ay Pasko na. Eh ano naman. Parang walang pinagkaiba. Anong nangyari sa atin? wika ko sa kanya. Bumaba kami ng mall para pakinggan yung choir na kumakanta. Rockwell kasi yun kaya wala masyadong tumitigil para makinig. They're all busy with their sosy problems. Unlike, jologs like me na pag may libreng concert, manonood talaga. Sabi ko sa kaibigan ko. Sa mga ganitong pagkakataon lang - referring to hearing the choir sing - nararamdaman na pasko na nga. Siya naman daw naramdaman niyang pasko na nung magkasama kaming umiikot ng mall with matching picture-picture pa sa mga decors. Iba talaga kung bata ka sa ganitong panahon. Pinakaaabangan mo yung araw na sasapit kung saan dadami na naman ang iyong pera at regalo. Dalawang linggong bakasyon kung saan pwede kang pumunta kung saan mo gusto pumunta at gawin ano...

There are three JOHNS. 1) The REAL JOHN; known only to his Maker. 2) JOHN'S ideal JOHN; never the real one, and often very unlike him. 3) THOMAS' ideal JOHN; never the real John, nor John's John, but often very unlike either.  - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Autocrat of the Breakfast-table Throughout the course of our life, we try to discover who we really are. Because it is knowing who we are that we may know the things that could satisfy our every needs. But who among us can, without even an ounce of doubt, say that he truly knows his own self? In this very social world where one of our aims as residents of this world is to exist in harmony, we tend to create different personas to handle different characteristics and personalities we encounter in a daily basis. This reflex, sometimes voluntary action, is rooted in our ability to adapt to certain situations, especially if our survival is at stake. However, in doing so, we create different layers that unconsciously hi...

Do you know the Friendship feature of Facebook? The friendship page is like your usual profile page, in timeline format with cover photo. The difference is that it only shows the posts and photos and other mutual connections you and your friend has. For example, I go to my friendship page with friend A. I would expect to see our mutual friends, mutual likes, timeline conversation, and photos that we are both tagged in. It's an old service actually, but it's only now that I discovered it's full potential. It's one great stalking tool. I know, boredom made me do it. I initially thought that the service works just for you and your friend, hence its link 'See Friendship.' I then discovered that you can write virtually anyone in the box and see if they have mutual friends. Here's the thing. I've been stalking this guy, a classmate, which I have a strange vibe with. Everytime I'm with him, my gaydar goes wild - like butterflies in my tummy. A ...

Salamat nakasakay rin ng jeep. Ang sakit na ng paa ko kakahintay. Wait. Ano yung naaamoy ko? Jeez! Amoy sibuyas! Jutoks? Where? Oh. Ate, why you so stinky? OMFG! Nagtaas ka pa ng kamay? Baba mo yan ate! Nose, I'm so sorry you have to smell this. Tingin na lang ako sa other side. Grabe. Tindi talaga ng jabar mo ate. Ano yun? May isa pa kong naaamoy. But wait there's more pala BO mo. Amoy kachichas naman. Posible pala yun noh, magkatawang tao ang katchichas. At kaw yun ate. Abah. Abah. Kaw na nga ang matindi sa amoy, kaw pa may ganang magtakip ng ilong dahil sa amoy ng trak ng basura. At least yun fleeting. pag lumagpas na, wala na. Eh yung sa'yo integrated na sa pawis mo. Grabe!!! Grabe! Ang sama ko. Kakagaling ko lang nyan sa prayer meeting kung ano-ano na iniisip kong masama. Dala lang siguro to ng puyat. Mejo aburido lang ako. Usually naman talaga, mabait ako e. Kind-meek-gentle. Minsan naman, tulad ngayon, sarcastic and loud. pero buti pag...

Whenever I have this feeling, Citybuoy's literary piece comes to mind - Never Yours . (If you haven't had the time to read it, now is the best time to do so.) However, I'm no master storyteller. I can't whip up a great storyline from an emotion or experience. But I do feel. So I'll just write whatever it is that I feel. Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I can't feel jealous. He's never mine. I wanna be happy.. I AM happy for him. I would just like to think that it was just never meant to be. The truth is, I am not ready. I think I'm not. He's just better off without me. I would just like to think I'm no good for him. Maybe I'm good for someone else but not him. Rationalizing, I am. But that's life. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I did feel a little jealous. But why should I, he's never mine. Confused. Awkward. Insanely uncomf...

In a jeepney. Still on my struggle in finding my identity, a scene flashed backed in my head. Inside the bathroom. Just came home from a recurring one night stand.  I was taking a bath. All that was in my head was the thought of being dirty. I needed to clean myself thoroughly. I felt so dirty. So this is how someone raped must feel like, I thought. But I was not raped. Yet I felt so empty, so used. It felt like nothing good came out of that night. Though I had a moment of pleasure, it still wasn't what I needed. Maybe I have done it so many times that it wasn't as special as before. At some point, I grew tired of the same pattern. We meet. We eat. We go somewhere quiet. Or we drink. But as always, we end up in bed. I leave, he leaves, or we both leave separately. Maybe that's where my perception of love and relationship got messed up. At some point, I got fed up of being in this lifestyle / orientation. I got even more confused. If I am already sick of rods, does...

I'm a shirt-jeans kind of guy. My sense of style, at least what I want for myself, is more on simplicity and comfort, relaxed. I'm not really into layering, or colors, or brands, or accessories. As long as I feel comfortable with what I'm wearing and the clothes match, I'm okay. I'm bordering on the heavy side, fine I'm already gone over the heavy limit, which makes my choice of clothes , style, and pattern very limited. Here are some of the people I envy who just look good in anything. Joseph Gordon-Levitt Ryan J. Adams Harry Shaum Ectomorph - a bodytype. typically a skinny guy. small frame, long limbs, lean muscles . *Photos are not mine.

Nakakatuwang kahit alas sais ka na nakatulog at alas nuebe ka bumangon ay masaya ka parin sa gising mo. Yung tipong ang saya-saya mo lang nang ikaw ay humimbing sa pagtulog tapos dala mo pa rin sa pagmulat ng iyong mga mata. Nakakatuwa lang. Nakakatuwa rin na kahit di ka masyadong nakainom, ang katotohanan ay isang baso lang ng wine ang ininom mo, ay naging ubod pa rin ng saya ang gabi mo dahil nakita mo ang mga taong nasisisyahan kang makita muli, at ang mga taong gustong gusto mo ng makita at makilala. Nakakatuwa lang. Nakakatuwa lalo na yung ang gaan na agad ng pakiramdam mo sa mga taong unang beses mo lang nakilala dahil lang ang dali nilang pakisamahan at kausapin. Yung tipong ang tagal ninyo ng magkakakilala. Nakakatuwa talaga. Nice to be in your company guys ulit kahit saglit lang- Nimmy, Leo, Nikki, Nate, Louie, Beej - at sa nakaka-awestruck na sina Joms at Jap. Salamat sa masayang madaling araw Josh, Josh, Keemo, Migs, at sa butihing hostess Mac. Nakakatuwa talaga...

A friend (yes, friend talaga, sana mabasa mo 'to) and I were having a light conversation through text one night. One of the topics was something about refraining from being a tease. I told him that for me it's alright to tease, it's the thing after the tease that should be controlled. Same is my belief on flirting. He replied, "gawain mo kasi kaya alam mo mag control..." I didn't know how to react at first. I was thinking, "should I feel insulted?" Then, I tried to reflect on his statement. Am I tease, I said to myself. If I tease or flirt, am I able to control myself? That's when I realized that more often than not, I would give in to my urge and wouldn't resist invites. I am after all allowed to enjoy my single-hood, right? Plus, it's really nice to cuddle afterwards. Oh, but there's a lot of times I tease without anything happening, like in random places. I'm not a horny bunny to approach just about anyone who return...

I started this blog last year in April. At the beginning, I just wanted an outlet where I can narrate my most recent sexual encounters as well as my past conquests. Usually these kinds of stories along with my normal daily adventures are written in my journal which I started in 2006. But since I spend more time in front of the computer, blogging seemed to be more feasible. I've been blogging since Friendster came out, then Myspace, then Livejournal, then Multiply, then Wordpress, Tumblr, and Blogspot. The surviving blogs that still get updated are my Wordpress blogs and this one. Wordpress is where I blog everything under the sun with the exception of gay materials. As I have said earlier, this blog started primarily as an avenue for my past and present sexual adventures. It was supposed to be a little something like Solotouch where I share true sex stories. But I later learned that it could turn into something more. When I started, I wasn't concerned with other blogs....

Mothers will always love you. But grandmas will always be on your side. - Suits I really have a soft spot when it comes to grandmothers. Most of my childhood was spent under the care of my grandparents. Through my parents' separation, they became my stronghold especially my grandma. I guess, I'm a lola's boy. And as a lola's boy, the statement above speaks the truth . Grandmothers will always back you up and be on your side no matter what happens. I remember when I was young, I lost a 500-peso bill. Actually, it was stolen by my classmate. Anyway, my aunt was pestering me to show her where my money was. Then grandma butted in and told her that we already deposited it in the bank. There are a lot more times when my grandma came to my rescue. I just can't thank her enough for doing that for me.  Akala ko ang mga nanay lang, mga magulang lang, yung magbibigay ng unconditional love. Hindi pala. - Carmina  This was one of the sweetest lines I have heard someone...

Kasama ang mga kaibigan, pinag-usapan namin ang nakaraang episode ng MMK. "Pag AIDS, kelangan bakla dapat? That is so stereotypical." "Pag bakla AIDS na agad? Di pa pedeng tulo muna?" "Or di ba pedeng lagnat muna o sipon?!" Siyempre katuwaan lang naman yun. Alam naman naming ito ay isang napakahalagang paksang talakayin at pag-usapan. "Pero pano ba talaga naghahawahan?" "Alam ko tatlo lang yan: dugo, karayom (galing sa may AIDS), at pagpasa ng ina sa anak." "Ang alam ko any body fluids e. Mapa-tamod at laway." "Pano naghahawahan pag sa lalake at babae. Di ba tamod naman yun." Lumabas tuloy ang katotohanang kakaunti lang ang alam namin tungkol sa HIV. "Wag kang mag-alala. 1% lang naman ang chance mong mahawa sa unprotected sex e." "Yun nga e, dapat di ka umaasa dun sa 1% na yun e." At least sa huli, tama naman ang nasabi namin.

Did you catch last Saturday's episode of MMK, starring Joem Bascon and Carlo Aquino? They did an episode in line with the World AIDS Day. I really love their approach on a very sensitive topic. They were able to portray the hardships people living with AIDS go through and how they cope. What I love most about the story of the characters was their undying love for each other. I'm really one who easily cries. And for most parts of the show, I was crying alongside the characters. I don't know if it's just me putting myself in their shoes or they're just great actors. I felt for Carlo Aquino's character when his parents disowned him for being gay And after finding out that he had HIV/AIDS, instead of showing sympathy, his parents was embarrassed and disgusted of him. Joem's character's father (played by kuya Bodji) was the contrary. He was sympathetic and supportive. He did not blame nor scolded Joem for being careless. Instead, he did what every paren...