It's Christmas and what am I doing here

Pardon the tone.

I just came home from the Christmas eve mass filled with the Christmas spirit. I was giddy and chirpy coming home, excited to see all my little siblings.

But when I came home, there were no lights, no children. There was no one there. I ate spaghetti alone on a table made for eight.

Then annoying Auntie went down the stairs from her room and social-climbing cousin came in the front door. Then I felt all my Christmas spirit get bottled up again and locked in a vault with all my Christmas spirits in the past years.

I went to the local convenience store to grab a bottle of wine for myself. I want to drown myself in the spirit of alcohol just to make myself a little bit happier. But I thought, I would seem more pathetic and miserable to drink all by myself.

I don't know what's with these recent Christmases that made me feel this way. I feel like a child who did not receive a gift, or one whose parents did not come home from their work abroad, or an orphan who spends the holidays not knowing who his real parents are. And as I scroll through Instagram, I feel like a beggar watching people enjoy their time together near a warm fireplace. It just feels so empty and cold now.

I do hope this would be the last time I feel this way during Christmas. I pray that things will get better next year. But for now, I'll just sleep this one again.


Again, friends, Merry CHRISTmas!