What 2012 taught me..

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Yesterday night, my friends and I went out for dinner. During our talk a friend suggested to share our year-end evaluations. Since I've already blogged about how my year went, I was quick to answer his question. His next topic was to complete the statement: 2012 taught me to....

I haven't really thought of the lessons or general theme of the closing year so I got to think about my answer. And here's what I shared.

"2012 taught me to just keep on trying. Maybe I'll succeed, maybe I won't. No matter what the outcome may be, what's important is that I have tried that I have exerted effort to reach my dream. Even though I take things a day at a time, not really making long term plans, I still have goals for whatever opportunities and I would make every step to take advantage of that chance. I believe that it's better to have tried (in love, in career, and in life) than to regret not trying at all."

So that's it. And with this, I end my 2012 with my 100th post for the year. Here's to a hundred more next year!

Friends, I'd love for you to share what 2012 taught you.. :) Cheers to us!
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Sa Pagtatapos ng Taon

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Too-Ow-Wan-Too

Ang saya rin ng naging taon na ito. Kahit na wala masyadong gala o outdoor activities o active lifestyle keme (nahawa na ko sa mga kaibigan ko, hehe), naging maayos at makabuluhan pa rin ang taon.

Pasado!

May dalawa akong mga exams na kinuha noong simula ng taon. Awa ng Diyos nakapasa naman ako sa pareho. Kahit di ko pa dama ang epekto ng pagpasa ko sa exams na yun ngayon, masaya pa rin ako na nagbunga rin ang mga paghihirap ko sa pag-aaral para dun.

Pagkabigo.

Sabi nga nila, subok lang nang subok. Try lang nang try. Go lang nang go. Kaya marami akong sinubukan ngunit marami rin ang pagkakataong ako ay nabigo. Pero hindi ba't ganyan naman talaga ang buhay. Kailangan natin maramdaman ang pagkabigo para mas pahalagahan natin ang tagumpay. Tsaka sabi nga nila 'di ba, mas mabuti na 'yung subukan kaysa pagsisihan ang lumagpas na pagkakataon.

Love and Lost


Tumibok ang puso ko muli ngayong taon ngaunit kung gaano kabilis siya dumating ganoon din siya kabilis naglaho (isang linggong pag-ibig lang ang peg hehe). Sabi nga ng isang kaibigan, di naman daw sa tagal ng pagsasama nasusukat ang pagmamahal, asa haba ng nota daw. dyuk (kopya lang din yan). Minahal ko naman yung mokong kaso may pagkakataon lang talaga na hindi ko na nagustuhan ang pagbabago sa sarili dahil sa kanya. Inisip ko kasi, di na healthy ang relationship kung hindi mo na nakikilala ang sarili mo. Basta hayun, tinapos na lang namin bago pa kami magkasakitan ng loob. Pero ang maayos naman dun, nagkakausap pa rin naman kame pero madalang na. Marami rin naman akong natutunan sa pagsasama namin. Una dun ay marahil di pa ko handa sa isang relasyon - handang umibig pero di pa sa commitment (meganun ba?)

Bundok

Buti na lang hindi natapos ang taon na hindi ako nakaakyat ng bundok. Ang masaya pa dun, nakasama ko pa sa isa sa mga akyat ko ang isang bagong kaibigan.

Salamat, Dok.

Ang hula noong 2011 ay dapat daw mag-ingat ang mga Tiger para sa kanilang kalusugan sa taon ng 2012. Mukhang hindi ko nasunod ang warning ni Ateng Zenaida kasi nakabisita ako sa apat na doctor ngayong taon. Iba't ibang parte ng katawan. Iba't ibang karamdaman. Awa ng Diyos pa rin at buhay pa ko at di ako na-confine sa hospital. Lakas ko pa rin siguro kay Bro.

Pangarap kong Jackpot.

Hindi naman talaga jackpot ang pangarap ko. Pangarap ko lang mangibang bansa upang umunlad naman ang buhay naming mag-anak. Kaya isa yun sa mga pinagkaabalahan ko ngayong taon. Nakatatlo o apat yata akong bisita at tanong sa mga agency para maipadala na ko sa tate. Loobin sana na makaalis ako sa susunod na taon. Samahan ninyo ako sa pag-pray.

Mga bagong kaibigang nakilala.

Napakasaya talaga (oo, super) na makilala ang mga tao sa likod ng mga blog at tweets na nababasa ko. Noong una kasi sabi ko di ako magpapakita kanino man. Anonymous lang ang peg ko dapat. Dala na rin siguro ng paghanga, curiosity, at kasiyahan, naisipan ko na rin makipagkita. Heto kasi yung pagkakataon na makakilala ka ng tao na di mo naman madalas makasalamuha. Mga taong galing sa iba't ibang industriya at propesyon ngunit marami ring pagkakapareho sa iyo. Ang dami kasing pwedeng matutunan at maintindihan tungkol sa mundo mula sa kanila na maaring iba ang pananaw sa iyo. Kaya ang saya lang. Lalo na't magiging kaibigan mo ang karamihan sa kanila at tuluyan ng uukit ng marka sa iyong buhay. O di ba, saya lang.


Marami pa rin talagang dapat ipagpasalamat sa nagdaang taon. Naging makulay ito dahil sa mga pangyayari at taong naging bahagi ng aking buhay. Sabi nga nila, wala namang pirmi sa mundo, ang tanging pirmi lang ay ang pagbabago. Kaya kailangan lang nating namnamin ang bawat sandaling nangyayari at ang mga taong dumadaan sa ating buhay.


Happy New Year sa atin, Friends!
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Stroll

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Pagkababa ko ng EDSA-Crossing, naisipan kong maglakad-lakad muna sa Greenfield District.

Ibang-iba na talaga siya sa pagkakaalala ko dito noon. May parang park sa gitna tapos marami ng magagandang kainan. Tumotyal na talaga yung lugar.

Sa park ang daming tao. Mga batang nagtatakbuhan, mga mag-syota naglalampungan at pamilyang nagpipicnic. Aba! Ginawang luneta ang totyal na park.

Tapos may tumutugtog sa katapat ng The Hub. Instrumental. Flute at Piano. Puro Christmas songs. Ang ganda lang ng rendition nila. May jazz flair yung mga kanta. Sarap mag-stop and stare kaso wala namang taong nakatigil so gora lang ako sa paglalakad.

Habang naglalakad na-gets ko tuloy kung bakit maraming magsyotang pinipiling tumambay lang sa park. Iba rin kasi yung feeling na kayo lang, naglalakad or magkatabing nakaupo. Staring at the moonlit sky. Tapos magkahawak ng kamay. Nakasandal yung ulo niya sa balikat mo. O di kaya, nakahiga ka sa hita niya. Hangsweet lang di ba?

Ako naman si inggetero. Tseh. Baduy kaya nun. hehehe

Pero parang solb ka narin sa mga ganoong moments with your ispeyshal samwan. Kilig moments. Tone down muna sa gastos and just cherishing every moment with each other.

Haay. Ako na ang walang lablayf. hahaha.


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The Kiss

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All I need

Kissing you is not what I had planned
And now I'm not so sure just where I stand

I wasn't looking for true love
But now you're looking at me
You're the only one I can think of
You're the only one I see

All I need
Is just a little more time
To be sure what I feel
Is it all in my mind
Cause it seems so hard to believe
That you're all I need


Honestly, I didn't know how to start this post. All I knew was I wanted to write about the topic. And surprisingly the song above by Jack Wagner played on the radio.

I experienced my first kiss in high school when a lover greeted me as I wake up with what I recalled to be the most magical moment in my life. His kiss was soft and tender, passionate but a little restrained, and there was definitely fireworks. I was euphoric for days after that.

Same goes with my first girl kiss. But this time, she was aggressive. Her lips was soft and cherry-flavored. I walked like a zombie after that, still in shock and ecstasy. Even in school all I can remember was her soft lips against mine.

Kissing, aside from cuddling, is one of my most favorite sexual / romantic activities. In kissing, you can just get lost in the deed with your eyes closed and just let your others senses do its work. You can feel your partner's breath in your neck, and his soft gasps of air and grunts. It's just sexy and surreal. And while your lips are locked in, your hands explore every inch, every curve of your lover's body.

More than the actual kiss, the moments before the kiss is all the same, thrilling. That moment when your minds become in synced and you just gaze at each other's eyes as if both of you are having a conversation. Or that moment when your bodies are pressed against each other and you feel your lips just simply gravitate towards his.

There's also certain, well, cuteness moments after the kiss. As you let go of his lips and your heads part, for some seconds you're still stuck in the bliss of kissing, your lips still pouting or half-opened and your eyes still closed, still hanging on that moment. And as you open your eyes, you see your partner looking at you with that eyes, oh that sexy eyes, and that soft smile. It's just a moment on its own.

Even before your bodies join, your hearts and soul are already together in kissing. Well, at least that's what I think. You already open up your heart when you let someone kiss you with all the passion in the world, and you reciprocate which, as they say in contracts, consummates the understanding.

Ah kissing....


Well, that's that. It's just my kissing randoms for today.


It's still the holidays so I guess people are still in the mood to kiss, cuddle and more. 

Have a good one, guys!

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It's Christmas and what am I doing here

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Pardon the tone.

I just came home from the Christmas eve mass filled with the Christmas spirit. I was giddy and chirpy coming home, excited to see all my little siblings.

But when I came home, there were no lights, no children. There was no one there. I ate spaghetti alone on a table made for eight.

Then annoying Auntie went down the stairs from her room and social-climbing cousin came in the front door. Then I felt all my Christmas spirit get bottled up again and locked in a vault with all my Christmas spirits in the past years.

I went to the local convenience store to grab a bottle of wine for myself. I want to drown myself in the spirit of alcohol just to make myself a little bit happier. But I thought, I would seem more pathetic and miserable to drink all by myself.

I don't know what's with these recent Christmases that made me feel this way. I feel like a child who did not receive a gift, or one whose parents did not come home from their work abroad, or an orphan who spends the holidays not knowing who his real parents are. And as I scroll through Instagram, I feel like a beggar watching people enjoy their time together near a warm fireplace. It just feels so empty and cold now.

I do hope this would be the last time I feel this way during Christmas. I pray that things will get better next year. But for now, I'll just sleep this one again.


Again, friends, Merry CHRISTmas!

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Pasko ba?! Anyare?!

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Kausap ko kaninang hapon yung kaibigan ko. Nabanggit ko sa kanya na parang ngayon, di ko dama yung pasko. Parang dumating ang December na wala lang. Tapos sa susunod na linggo ay Pasko na. Eh ano naman. Parang walang pinagkaiba. Anong nangyari sa atin? wika ko sa kanya.

Bumaba kami ng mall para pakinggan yung choir na kumakanta. Rockwell kasi yun kaya wala masyadong tumitigil para makinig. They're all busy with their sosy problems. Unlike, jologs like me na pag may libreng concert, manonood talaga.

Sabi ko sa kaibigan ko. Sa mga ganitong pagkakataon lang - referring to hearing the choir sing - nararamdaman na pasko na nga. Siya naman daw naramdaman niyang pasko na nung magkasama kaming umiikot ng mall with matching picture-picture pa sa mga decors.

Iba talaga kung bata ka sa ganitong panahon. Pinakaaabangan mo yung araw na sasapit kung saan dadami na naman ang iyong pera at regalo. Dalawang linggong bakasyon kung saan pwede kang pumunta kung saan mo gusto pumunta at gawin ano mang gusto mong gawin.

Ewan ko ba kung bakit di ko masyadong nadama ang pasko. Siguro nalunod narin ako sa hype na dapat ang pasko ay panahon ng marami kang pera at marami kang bagong damit. Eh wala akong trabaho for like more than 1 year na. So wala akong bagong damit. wala akong bagong sapatos. Wala nga rin akong mga regalo sa mga chikiting kong kapatid at sa pamangkin-inaanak ko e.

Pero naisip ko. Eh ano naman kung walang pera. Ang mahalaga naman talaga ngayong pasko ay yung oras kasama ng ating pamilya at kaibigan. Panahon na mapalapit muli tayo sa isa't isa. Panahon para pagtuonan ng pansin ang mga taong mahalaga sa atin. Masyado na kasing na commercialized ang pasko.

Sabihin na nating sweet-lemoning or rationalizing. Pero para sa akin basta sama-sama sa pasko at may kaunting handa, ubod na ng saya ang pasko. Merry Christmas Friends :D
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Clandestine lives

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There are three JOHNS. 1) The REAL JOHN; known only to his Maker. 2) JOHN'S ideal JOHN; never the real one, and often very unlike him. 3) THOMAS' ideal JOHN; never the real John, nor John's John, but often very unlike either. 
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Autocrat of the Breakfast-table


Throughout the course of our life, we try to discover who we really are. Because it is knowing who we are that we may know the things that could satisfy our every needs. But who among us can, without even an ounce of doubt, say that he truly knows his own self?

In this very social world where one of our aims as residents of this world is to exist in harmony, we tend to create different personas to handle different characteristics and personalities we encounter in a daily basis. This reflex, sometimes voluntary action, is rooted in our ability to adapt to certain situations, especially if our survival is at stake.

However, in doing so, we create different layers that unconsciously hide our true self and hinder it from resurfacing again. We get lost in the masks that we wear that we forget which one is real and which ones are fake. What started as masks will soon become a whole outfit of lies creating another persona in our lives.

Clandestine lives. I believe everyone will agree that even once in their lives, they have lived secret lives aside from their own lives. Some may project their fame and rich resources, and others become the opposite of what they currently are.

I began to wear a mask when I realized that I was different from other boys in school. I saw how they tease the ones who were effeminate and showed unmanly mannerisms. For someone who is very self-conscious and introverted, it's very important for me that I be left alone in peace.

Now I realize that throughout my life since I first put on a mask, I became more confused of who I really  am. In the hopes of finding my real self by trying out new stuff, I just got buried in my own lies and began losing my very identity. Sometimes its fun to be a different person in certain situations with different sets of friends. But there would always come a time that the mind will grow tired and all your other personas will leak out.

Everyone has their own secret lives hidden behind their rank, attitude, or social status. But I guess what's most important is that we do not lose sight of who we really are, or at least who we're made to be. We should hold on, tightly, to the very principle and belief that made us who were are for most of the people who know us. And we must always be prepared and accept at eventually all our masks would be taken off. 
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Facebook Friendship

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Do you know the Friendship feature of Facebook? The friendship page is like your usual profile page, in timeline format with cover photo. The difference is that it only shows the posts and photos and other mutual connections you and your friend has. For example, I go to my friendship page with friend A. I would expect to see our mutual friends, mutual likes, timeline conversation, and photos that we are both tagged in. It's an old service actually, but it's only now that I discovered it's full potential. It's one great stalking tool. I know, boredom made me do it.

I initially thought that the service works just for you and your friend, hence its link 'See Friendship.' I then discovered that you can write virtually anyone in the box and see if they have mutual friends.

Here's the thing. I've been stalking this guy, a classmate, which I have a strange vibe with. Everytime I'm with him, my gaydar goes wild - like butterflies in my tummy.

A little bit earlier, I opened the FB page of O-bar Ortigas (just because my people are going there tonight). And just out of sheer boredom and curiosity, I sought the friendship between my friend and O-bar. Lo and behold they have 61 friends in common. Most, if not all, are buffed up guys who you wouldn't have thought to be clubgoers. (Well, di ko pa naman nakikita ang demographics ng O-bar clubgoers. So what do I know.) Most of them are sports-enthusiasts, gym-goers, and corporate weekend warriors. 

Then, I wonder, how do you subtly tell a guy, who you are friends with - but not yet in the secret-sharing level, that you are also on a common boat as he is? May code ba tayo para jan -  hand signals, chants, secret password, secret handshake? 
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Sigaw sa isip

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Salamat nakasakay rin ng jeep.
Ang sakit na ng paa ko kakahintay.

Wait. Ano yung naaamoy ko?
Jeez! Amoy sibuyas! Jutoks? Where?

Oh. Ate, why you so stinky?
OMFG! Nagtaas ka pa ng kamay? Baba mo yan ate!
Nose, I'm so sorry you have to smell this.
Tingin na lang ako sa other side.

Grabe. Tindi talaga ng jabar mo ate.
Ano yun? May isa pa kong naaamoy.
But wait there's more pala BO mo.
Amoy kachichas naman.

Posible pala yun noh, magkatawang tao ang katchichas.
At kaw yun ate.
Abah. Abah.

Kaw na nga ang matindi sa amoy, kaw pa may ganang magtakip ng ilong dahil sa amoy ng trak ng basura.
At least yun fleeting. pag lumagpas na, wala na.
Eh yung sa'yo integrated na sa pawis mo.
Grabe!!!



Grabe!
Ang sama ko.
Kakagaling ko lang nyan sa prayer meeting kung ano-ano na iniisip kong masama.
Dala lang siguro to ng puyat. Mejo aburido lang ako.
Usually naman talaga, mabait ako e. Kind-meek-gentle.
Minsan naman, tulad ngayon, sarcastic and loud. pero buti pagod na kong mag make parinig. baka majombag ako ng big smelly arms ni ate.
Madalang naman arrogant and proud. Pag may nakikilala lang naman akong kala nila ay ke gagaling na nila. Tseh.



Wala pa bang bababa jan sa dulo nang makausog na ko.
Baka kasi dumikit yung amoy ni ate sa damit ko.
Susunugin ko na to pag ganun.

Haays hayaan ko na nga.
Pag pray ko nalang na sana mababait ang mga kaibigan ni ate at i-gift sa kanya ay complete bath set ng Bench or ng Marks and Spencer.




Sarap din pala maging bakla no.
Nakaka-hug ka sa mga friends mo nang walang malisya.
Nakakasandal ka ng pasweet-sweet lang. ganyan.
Holding hands kahit nag-uusap lang.
Akbay-akbay.
Touchy-touchy ba.
Sarap lang may ka-skin contact.
Speaking of touchy, hahaha Mac!

para po! (may sumigaw)

Ay dito na pala ko.

Ay. Taray ni ate. Fishnet stockings at pekpek shorts.
Masubukan nga yan minsan pag namundok ako.
Well yung stockings lang. Taray siguro ng tan lines ko nun.
And we sometimes wonder why women get raped.
Gusto ko ma-rape sa bundok. chos.

Magpapamasahe ba ko ngayong gabi?
Gusto ko bang mamolestya at ma-violate?
Ano nga bang term na yun, donselya? Nabasa ko lang sa twitter. Hanapin ko nga mamaya.
Kaso sayang sa pera.
Though studies have shown that an hour of a good massage is equivalent to 8 hours of sleep.
Tipid mode parin ang mananaig.
Uwi na lang ako.

Buti nalang may jeep na nag-aabang.
Uy, cute. sana taga sa amin lang siya.

Boss, bayad po. Brad, paabot. (sabi ko)




-tahimik na ang utak hanggang sa balur-
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Never mine

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Whenever I have this feeling, Citybuoy's literary piece comes to mind - Never Yours. (If you haven't had the time to read it, now is the best time to do so.) However, I'm no master storyteller. I can't whip up a great storyline from an emotion or experience. But I do feel. So I'll just write whatever it is that I feel.


Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I can't feel jealous. He's never mine. I wanna be happy.. I AM happy for him. I would just like to think that it was just never meant to be. The truth is, I am not ready. I think I'm not. He's just better off without me. I would just like to think I'm no good for him. Maybe I'm good for someone else but not him. Rationalizing, I am. But that's life. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.

Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I did feel a little jealous. But why should I, he's never mine. Confused. Awkward. Insanely uncomfortable. And irritatingly curious. That's what I felt. It was awfully hard to keep a straight, perky face. Quiet, I was. I wasn't able to react to the scenes. But it's hard to dwell on vagueness. It's hard to tread the path filled with grey areas. At some point, I would want to seek clarity. But that's life. It's just meant to be experienced.

Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I can't feel angry because he's never mine. There were no agreements confirmed, no commitment sealed. Helpless. Powerless. All I can do is watch. Hopeful, I am. That though many came that never became mine, there is someone out there, someone in this hopeful universe, that I would eventually call mine.


/me slaps face (3 times)
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Jeepney chronicles (again)

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In a jeepney.

Still on my struggle in finding my identity, a scene flashed backed in my head. Inside the bathroom. Just came home from a recurring one night stand. 

I was taking a bath. All that was in my head was the thought of being dirty. I needed to clean myself thoroughly. I felt so dirty. So this is how someone raped must feel like, I thought. But I was not raped. Yet I felt so empty, so used. It felt like nothing good came out of that night. Though I had a moment of pleasure, it still wasn't what I needed. Maybe I have done it so many times that it wasn't as special as before. At some point, I grew tired of the same pattern. We meet. We eat. We go somewhere quiet. Or we drink. But as always, we end up in bed. I leave, he leaves, or we both leave separately. Maybe that's where my perception of love and relationship got messed up. At some point, I got fed up of being in this lifestyle / orientation. I got even more confused. If I am already sick of rods, does that mean I should start enjoying labias? I doubted if I was really meant to be in the rainbow team.

Alighted. Walked through the pedestrian crossing.

Is this just a phase? If this was a phase, shouldn't I be moving on now? Am I that fixated? But fixated on what? Penis envy? Daddy issue? Longing for a brotherly love?

But sometimes I enjoy it. Seeing their facial expression as they come. Cringing in ecstasy with their mouths open. Unable to contain the sensation as I continue to pump out every single drop until they beg me to stop. Quite fun to see them drop and just lay there, totally spent and sweaty. But sweet as I rest my head on their warm chest.

I can't be a metrosexual. I don't even care about my clothes and my body image. Bisexual maybe. But I should be aroused or attracted to women to be that. Maybe I am just that lustful that I could swing both ways. Maybe. I dunno.

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Style envy and turn-on: Ectomorphs

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I'm a shirt-jeans kind of guy. My sense of style, at least what I want for myself, is more on simplicity and comfort, relaxed. I'm not really into layering, or colors, or brands, or accessories. As long as I feel comfortable with what I'm wearing and the clothes match, I'm okay. I'm bordering on the heavy side, fine I'm already gone over the heavy limit, which makes my choice of clothes , style, and pattern very limited.

Here are some of the people I envy who just look good in anything.


Joseph Gordon-Levitt



Ryan J. Adams


Harry Shaum




Ectomorph - a bodytype. typically a skinny guy. small frame, long limbs, lean muscles.



*Photos are not mine.
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Nakakatuwang gising

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Nakakatuwang kahit alas sais ka na nakatulog at alas nuebe ka bumangon ay masaya ka parin sa gising mo. Yung tipong ang saya-saya mo lang nang ikaw ay humimbing sa pagtulog tapos dala mo pa rin sa pagmulat ng iyong mga mata. Nakakatuwa lang.

Nakakatuwa rin na kahit di ka masyadong nakainom, ang katotohanan ay isang baso lang ng wine ang ininom mo, ay naging ubod pa rin ng saya ang gabi mo dahil nakita mo ang mga taong nasisisyahan kang makita muli, at ang mga taong gustong gusto mo ng makita at makilala. Nakakatuwa lang.

Nakakatuwa lalo na yung ang gaan na agad ng pakiramdam mo sa mga taong unang beses mo lang nakilala dahil lang ang dali nilang pakisamahan at kausapin. Yung tipong ang tagal ninyo ng magkakakilala. Nakakatuwa talaga.

Nice to be in your company guys ulit kahit saglit lang- Nimmy, Leo, Nikki, Nate, Louie, Beej - at sa nakaka-awestruck na sina Joms at Jap. Salamat sa masayang madaling araw Josh, Josh, Keemo, Migs, at sa butihing hostess Mac. Nakakatuwa talaga.

PS.
Dito ko na lang din isisingit. Did you ever hava a you-remind-me-of-a-friend/person-I-know moment? Kasi madalas mangyari sa akin yun. Yung tipong kapag kasama mo yung tao, may naaalala kang ibang taong katulad niya - sa itsura, sa kilos o galaw, sa pananalita, sa paggamit ng wika, o maging sa mga mannerisms. Di naman sa crush/pinagnanasaan mo yung taong naiisip mo. Basta bigla mo lang siya naalala out of the blue dahil sa naobserbahan mo sa kasama mo. Isa pang yung nakakatuwa. Nakakatuwang isiping kahit sabihin nating unique tayong lahat, meron at merong tao sa mundo na katulad o kamukha mo. If everybody is unique, therefore, everybody is the same. Di ko alam ang connect, naisip ko lang. :D
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Tease and Control

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A friend (yes, friend talaga, sana mabasa mo 'to) and I were having a light conversation through text one night. One of the topics was something about refraining from being a tease. I told him that for me it's alright to tease, it's the thing after the tease that should be controlled. Same is my belief on flirting. He replied, "gawain mo kasi kaya alam mo mag control..."

I didn't know how to react at first. I was thinking, "should I feel insulted?" Then, I tried to reflect on his statement. Am I tease, I said to myself. If I tease or flirt, am I able to control myself?

That's when I realized that more often than not, I would give in to my urge and wouldn't resist invites. I am after all allowed to enjoy my single-hood, right? Plus, it's really nice to cuddle afterwards.

Oh, but there's a lot of times I tease without anything happening, like in random places. I'm not a horny bunny to approach just about anyone who returns a look.

But still, I firmly believe (haha, with conviction) that flirting / teasing is very healthy and necessary. It gets our mojos up and our sense in heightened levels. Pleasure centers are very much ready to process even the slightest stimuli for maximal arousal.


photo from here.


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Peeking inside: Why I Blog

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I started this blog last year in April. At the beginning, I just wanted an outlet where I can narrate my most recent sexual encounters as well as my past conquests. Usually these kinds of stories along with my normal daily adventures are written in my journal which I started in 2006. But since I spend more time in front of the computer, blogging seemed to be more feasible. I've been blogging since Friendster came out, then Myspace, then Livejournal, then Multiply, then Wordpress, Tumblr, and Blogspot. The surviving blogs that still get updated are my Wordpress blogs and this one. Wordpress is where I blog everything under the sun with the exception of gay materials. As I have said earlier, this blog started primarily as an avenue for my past and present sexual adventures. It was supposed to be a little something like Solotouch where I share true sex stories. But I later learned that it could turn into something more.

When I started, I wasn't concerned with other blogs. All I did was write my story and publish it, expecting nothing from the blogosphere. But then somewhat of a problem came up. I needed to vent out the heartache I was feeling. At that time, I could not get anyone from my circle of gay friends to go out with me. Plus, I'm not too comfortable to bare my soul to them and be all dramatic. So what else could I go but to blog about it. Then, this blog became my confidant for my times of loneliness and weakness as a loving gay guy. 

Later on, I began to wonder, if I'm having this kind of problems, would there be someone out there who knows how to handle these kinds of situations? That inquiry led me to seek wisdom from those who have already gone through the phases that I'm going through. I remember subscribing first to the blogs of the Fabcasters. And from their blogs, I looked for the people who left comments and followed them to their blogs. If I find it interesting and helpful in my life, I would without a doubt subscribe to their blogs. That's why until now, I continue to read blogs because there is so much wisdom and experience to be learned and understand from others.

I didn't really think that people would want to subscribe to my blog because all I wrote that time was stories of love and lust. I'm not even a good writer at that. But I was very much ecstatic when one-by-one bloggers began to subscribe and leave comments in my entries. What I didn't realize was that in this part of reality, there exists a community ready to help and be a friend to others.

From the start I promised myself that I would remain anonymous as to protect the life that I'm living (homophobic family and nosy neighbors). But after sometime, interacting with other bloggers, reading their stories, and exchanging twits, one could not help but grow a certain trust in them somehow. And all you wanted to do is put a face to their names / usernames. This year, I am very fortunate to have met and shared  moments with some of the bloggers I follow. All our meetings were pleasant and enjoyable which makes me hopeful and eager to met more of them in the coming months.

Lastly, I would like my stories be helpful to others as well. I would like them to know that they are not alone in their journey, that they are not alone in asking questions and seeking answers, that there are people who have gone through the things they are going through, that there are people who may be in the other side of the country or the world who are ready to help, and there are people who are very accepting and non-judgmental. Bloggers are very diverse - there are people whose stories and use of words are as deep as the ocean, some write with wit, others write with authority. I'm sure there are people in this side of the worldwide web who can be role models to others.

PS.

I just want to share something I read in some guy's tumblr blog. It serves as a reminder for me whenever I write.

Write for yourself.
Write what you would read.
Write to tell more than a story. 





photo from here
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Just some lines

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Mothers will always love you. But grandmas will always be on your side. - Suits
I really have a soft spot when it comes to grandmothers. Most of my childhood was spent under the care of my grandparents. Through my parents' separation, they became my stronghold especially my grandma. I guess, I'm a lola's boy. And as a lola's boy, the statement above speaks the truth. Grandmothers will always back you up and be on your side no matter what happens. I remember when I was young, I lost a 500-peso bill. Actually, it was stolen by my classmate. Anyway, my aunt was pestering me to show her where my money was. Then grandma butted in and told her that we already deposited it in the bank. There are a lot more times when my grandma came to my rescue. I just can't thank her enough for doing that for me. 

Akala ko ang mga nanay lang, mga magulang lang, yung magbibigay ng unconditional love. Hindi pala. - Carmina 
This was one of the sweetest lines I have heard someone say to their special someone. One could expect unconditional love would only come from parents - like in the Filipino saying: matitiis ng anak ang magulang, pero di matitiis ng magulang ang anak. But Zoren proved that love, any kind of love, should be given unconditionally and unselfishly. For pointers on how to love, seek 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Hon, anong kailangan mo?Ikaw at ikaw lang, mahal ko. - From MMK, Pulang Laso episode
 My heart melted. I wished I have the same love they had for each other. Sweet. Another example of an unconditional and unselfish love. Putting the needs of his partner over his own.
Distillery - Fort. Beki nights pag Sabado. Dami lang.
Sama ako!
 This one is from our get-together the other night. I've always wanted to try places where modern day bekis go and hang-out or party or even meet. I'm primarily curious if I could fit in that scene or not. I also wonder how PLU interact and socialize. Lastly and more importantly, I'm looking forward people-watch and admire male beauty and hotness.



photo from here
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Pulang Laso Aftermath

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Kasama ang mga kaibigan, pinag-usapan namin ang nakaraang episode ng MMK.

"Pag AIDS, kelangan bakla dapat? That is so stereotypical."

"Pag bakla AIDS na agad? Di pa pedeng tulo muna?"

"Or di ba pedeng lagnat muna o sipon?!"

Siyempre katuwaan lang naman yun. Alam naman naming ito ay isang napakahalagang paksang talakayin at pag-usapan.

"Pero pano ba talaga naghahawahan?"

"Alam ko tatlo lang yan: dugo, karayom (galing sa may AIDS), at pagpasa ng ina sa anak."

"Ang alam ko any body fluids e. Mapa-tamod at laway."

"Pano naghahawahan pag sa lalake at babae. Di ba tamod naman yun."

Lumabas tuloy ang katotohanang kakaunti lang ang alam namin tungkol sa HIV.

"Wag kang mag-alala. 1% lang naman ang chance mong mahawa sa unprotected sex e."

"Yun nga e, dapat di ka umaasa dun sa 1% na yun e."

At least sa huli, tama naman ang nasabi namin.
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MMK's Pulang Laso

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Did you catch last Saturday's episode of MMK, starring Joem Bascon and Carlo Aquino? They did an episode in line with the World AIDS Day.

I really love their approach on a very sensitive topic. They were able to portray the hardships people living with AIDS go through and how they cope. What I love most about the story of the characters was their undying love for each other.

I'm really one who easily cries. And for most parts of the show, I was crying alongside the characters. I don't know if it's just me putting myself in their shoes or they're just great actors.

I felt for Carlo Aquino's character when his parents disowned him for being gay And after finding out that he had HIV/AIDS, instead of showing sympathy, his parents was embarrassed and disgusted of him. Joem's character's father (played by kuya Bodji) was the contrary. He was sympathetic and supportive. He did not blame nor scolded Joem for being careless. Instead, he did what every parent should do. He expressed his unconditional love and support to his son.

I also loved Joem's line to Carlo's mother which goes, "Hindi siya bakla. Hindi rin siya AIDS-victim. Siya si Kevin." (Not sure if I remember it correctly.) Madalas kasi para sa karamihan yung HIV/AIDS lang ang nakikita nila sa mga taong may ganitong sakit. Hindi nila inisip na tao parin naman ang kaharap nila. Tsaka kung naaalala ko ng tama ang seminar namin dati, di naman talaga tamang tawaging AIDS-victim dahil ito ay parang nangangahulugan ng kahinaan at kawalan ng pag-asa. Kaya mas tamang sabihing Person/People Living with HIV (PLHIV / PLWHIV) para naman mangahulugang may pagkakataon pa ring mabuhay nang normal at di pa katapusan ng mundo kapag mayroon kang ganitong sakit.

Nagalingan talaga ako sa episod na yun. Sana maraming nakapanood para mamulat sila kahit papaano tungkol sa buhay HIV/AIDS.
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