Clandestine lives

There are three JOHNS. 1) The REAL JOHN; known only to his Maker. 2) JOHN'S ideal JOHN; never the real one, and often very unlike him. 3) THOMAS' ideal JOHN; never the real John, nor John's John, but often very unlike either. 

- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Autocrat of the Breakfast-table

Throughout the course of our life, we try to discover who we really are. Because it is knowing who we are that we may know the things that could satisfy our every needs. But who among us can, without even an ounce of doubt, say that he truly knows his own self?

In this very social world where one of our aims as residents of this world is to exist in harmony, we tend to create different personas to handle different characteristics and personalities we encounter in a daily basis. This reflex, sometimes voluntary action, is rooted in our ability to adapt to certain situations, especially if our survival is at stake.

However, in doing so, we create different layers that unconsciously hide our true self and hinder it from resurfacing again. We get lost in the masks that we wear that we forget which one is real and which ones are fake. What started as masks will soon become a whole outfit of lies creating another persona in our lives.

Clandestine lives. I believe everyone will agree that even once in their lives, they have lived secret lives aside from their own lives. Some may project their fame and rich resources, and others become the opposite of what they currently are.

I began to wear a mask when I realized that I was different from other boys in school. I saw how they tease the ones who were effeminate and showed unmanly mannerisms. For someone who is very self-conscious and introverted, it's very important for me that I be left alone in peace.

Now I realize that throughout my life since I first put on a mask, I became more confused of who I really  am. In the hopes of finding my real self by trying out new stuff, I just got buried in my own lies and began losing my very identity. Sometimes its fun to be a different person in certain situations with different sets of friends. But there would always come a time that the mind will grow tired and all your other personas will leak out.

Everyone has their own secret lives hidden behind their rank, attitude, or social status. But I guess what's most important is that we do not lose sight of who we really are, or at least who we're made to be. We should hold on, tightly, to the very principle and belief that made us who were are for most of the people who know us. And we must always be prepared and accept at eventually all our masks would be taken off.