Closet Clutters

Sa madaling salita, paano iuwi si Mamon [noon]? Bago ko simulan ang pagbalik-tanaw, sagutin ko muna yung tanong ninyo marahil na 'anong kalibugan na naman ito?' Pramis, di [lang] libog ito. Napadaan kasi ko sa SOGO sa North Edsa kanina kaya may bigla lang akong naalala. ("Napadaan," ibig sabihin ay dumaan yung bus na sinakyan ko,) Kaya ito ang ilang maiksing kwentong kaladkarin ni Mamon. "Saan ka? Kape tayo. Sunduin kita." - Kung saan ang "kape" ay nangahulugan ng libreng kape, libreng kwentuhan at libreng espadahan. "Sa amin ka na muna tumuloy, uwi ka na lang kinabukasan. Walang masasakyan papunta sa inyo pauwi. Gabi na." - Kung saan natulog ako sa bahay nila sa probinsya nang wala sa plano" "Masakit kasi balakang ko ngayon, punta ka dito. Tignan mo nga kung ano problema." - Nang nagamit ang aking propesyon para sa init ng katawan "Pansin mo di kita pauuwiin. Mag-check-in tayo ah"...

Sa mga bansang pinupuntahan ko mag-isa, gusto kong maranasan kung paano nagsasaya ang sangkabaklaan nila. Kaya noong nakakilala ako ng bakla dito, inaya ko siyang puntahan yung mga gaybar dito. Una namin pinuntahan yung Apollo . Sabi niya, iyun daw yung pang upperclass na gaybar. Nasa loob siya ng isang mall tapos di rin naman kalakihan. May bar, magandang lighting, lighted runway, stage, tables na kailangan ng reservation at DJ's booth. Tama nga sinabi niya. Upscale gaybar nga yun dahil mga yuppies, execs, at may kaya ang mga andun. Tsaka marami ring foreigners. At di tulad ng karamihan sa Indonesia, maraming nag-e-english doon kaya alam mong upscale. Kasama na sa entrance fee na 175,000rp (700php) ang isang drink. Elibs (wow, straight) ako sa pantatak nila. Invisible ink na kita lang sa blacklight. totyal. discreet ang peg. Mga 12mn na kami nakarating. Sabi ng kasama ko kabubukas lang daw ng bar kaya kakaunti pa lang ang nandoon. So usap-usap muna kami....

That moment he said he wanted to tell me something, I already knew what it was. I guess it's that feeling that you know what the other one feels. It's like your hearts are in synced and you're just waiting for the other one to confirm your suspicion. Nasabi ko na ba sa'yo na... Na ano? Na mahal kita?... Lost for words, all I could do was reply with a tight hug and a hundred kisses. Our hearts were one in feeling the same thing. We were in love. I love you too, I finally replied. A hundred kisses and tight hugs followed. They say, often you have to choose between someone you love or someone who loves you. That's why I feel lucky to have that guy who loves me the same way that I love him.

Those nights I spent with you It was really special Those nights I laid beside you It seemed right Those mornings I woke up in your arms It's how I imagined it Those mornings I greeted you with a kiss or two It's just bliss That moment We held hands in silence Time seemed to stop Those nights Those mornings Those moments All kept in my heart. :')

Delete all messages? -Yes. Delete locked messages? *what locked messages?* I just read your blogspot about me. Or was it? I treat you as a close friend. I also thought that we could be what others cal as "partners." I thought I couldn't stand in the way of your dreams. Yun lang. I hope we can remain good friends. I wish you success and continued happiness Mamon! that day he knew what I felt about him... Mamon! baka wala ka ng load kaya di ka makareply... hihi.. just before this night ends for me (im abt to sleep), tandaan mo, lagi kang may friend at ako yun! I appreciate your effort to dropby and tell me your story. Hindi man ako ang magiging perfect friend mo, ang mahalaga dun, may perfect ears ako for you anytime na kelangan mo at available ako.. hehehe.. basta i-count mo na ako sa mga taong "like" ka naman.. hihihi.. have a great night my friend.. brush off the negative vibes and don't linger on what happened.. may kasunod yan na ...

And so I'm back... from outer space.. :)) Yes, I'm back in the PH and back to blogging. Medyo na-miss ko din magsulat ng slight. For the past few days kasi after landing, sobrang naging hectic ang sked ko. Ang daming kailangang tapusin at ayusin. I had to apply for clearance para makuha ko na yung TOR ko at diploma. I had to enroll again para maging bonifide student at i-avail ang student rate ng isang conference. I had to sked a visa interview na sobrang slim ng chance pero buti na lang at may nag-open na sked; at na-approve pala visa ko. And lastly, I had to meet friends na na-miss ko ng ilang buwan na. So hayun, medyo packed ang unang linggo ko pagkabalik sa pinas. Pero masaya naman. Ang pinaka-memorable sa linggo ko ay yung naging masahe sa akin noong nakaraang sabado. Tagal rin hinanap ng katawan ko yung hagod at diin ng ibang kamay sa katawan ko. Wala namang ES, pero may konting tease na naganap. sige na nga, maraming tease. Yung masahista kasi e, masyado siya. ...

Matanda na tayo para gawin pang komplikado ang mga bagay-bagay. Natuwa naman ako sa papanaw ng kausap ko. Tama nga naman. Bakit nga ba kailangan pang gawing kumplikado ang buhay. Pwede naman i-brush-off yung mga bagay na di umayon sa plano mo. Kebs na lang 'di ba. Take things as it is. We dated before, had an awesome time together. Kaso hindi naging kami. Sabihin na lang nating hindi tugma yung oras at panahon. Pero nakakapag-usap pa rin kami ng maayos ngayon. Naglolokohan at nagbibiruan. Napag-uusapan namin ang nangyari noon nang walang halong kapaitan. Nakakatuwa lang. Inisip ko tuloy yung mga nangyari sa akin noon, sa mga bago kong nakilala. Siguro kung ganyan din ang pananaw ko noon marahil nakakausap ko pa rin sila hanggang ngayon. Kung sana'y hindi ko inuna ang aking emosyon, marahil ay buong puso ko pa rin silang maituturing na kaibigan. Ngunit nanaig ang damdamin. woah. Bridges were burned. Relationships lost. Kung noon sana ay naging simple lang ang tin...

Noong isang araw habang palakad-lakad ako mag-isa sa mall, napag-isip-isip ko: "paano ba style ko noon 'pag gusto kong magtanggal ng init?" Ngayon kasi parang kailangan o mas maganda yung may magtatanggal noon para sa'yo 'di ba. Paano ba ako noon? Noon, masaya na ko magjakol mag-isa. 'Yung parang may sariling buhay yung etits mo at titigas na lang siya nang kusa kaya no-choice ka kung hindi magbate. Tapos naka-tengga ka lang sa bahay, sa kwarto mo, kaya sa tuwing titigas si Junjun, parang pilit ka pang magjakol para lumambot siya. You'll be like, " You're hard again! Jeez!" Noon solb na ko sa literotika, sa mga kwentong malilibog. Kahit walang picture, basta hindi jejemon yung pagkakasulat tsaka maayos yung sentence construction, pwede na pagjakulan. Alala ko pa nga, isang beses, sa sobrang libog ko sa binabasa ko, nilabasan ako nang hindi ko hinahawakan etits ko. Pramis! Mabaog man ako. Doon ko lang napatunayan na pure libog and ima...

People come and go. There are some who stay and some just drift away. But what's sad and sometimes annoying are those who choose to leave.  Most of them leave out of jealousy or envy, anger, hurt, or pride. But what's worst are those who choose to leave despite us reaching out to them. What we can do is just let them go and hope good things for them. I have my fair share of leaving and being left behind. What makes me move forward and not look back are those who are willing to stay by side,  inspire me in everything I do, and are proud and grateful to have me in their lives. That makes me care less of the people who go and more of the people who depend on me.

"Natutulog na siya eh," I typed. I was pertaining to our mutual friend (MF) lying beside me. "Kalabitin mo lang magigising yan. hehe," he replied. I thought he meant for me to poke him to wake our friend up. "haha sorry gabi na kasi e," he added. Then I realized he wasn't just talking about a poke. *** We were three lying side by side on the bed. I was on the right, MF in the middle, and a girl friend on the left side of the bed. The phrase "kalabitin mo lang" lingered in my head as we are about to sleep. I was feeling lonely and alone being in a foreign land for about a month that I just wanted someone to cuddle with. Yes, boys and girls, I just wanted to cuddle. I've had a lot of experience on making advances on guys while sleeping. Highschool made me a pro at that. So, when I was sure that the coast was clear, and the girl on left side was facing the other way, I made my move. Pretending to be asleep, I turned to my le...

It was very sudden. Just when I was trying to figure out what's next in my life - having finished graduate school and looking for teaching stints - there came an email asking if I was interested in a post abroad. At that point, I realized that everything does have a right time. So without hesitation, I replied to the email and next thing I knew, I already had an airline ticket. Things happened so fast that at first I got nervous and anxious. But I guess that's natural to feel that way whenever change would come, especially if it was that sudden. Here I am now in a foreign country doing what I think I do best and just trying to enjoy everything that comes with it. **** In beki news, I'm very disappointed when I got here. There's not a cute guy in sight! Gosh! Crazy! I think I'll go straight! chos! Anyway, I have this borta coworker. I'll be replacing him for the post because he had to go back to Manila and attend to his sick mom. I didn't think ...

I'm feeling a little limp tonight - maybe it's the vagueness of my future or the dilemmas I am facing or the lack of financial stability I am experiencing - but all I can do is just speculate. I thought I have gone through this already, the quarter life crisis as they say - emotional lability, constant questioning of worth, and unexplainable emo-shit. I'm tired of this, tired to wake up each morning and feel unsure of everything. Ugh. I just want to shake this off. Anyway, speaking of shaking things, here's one topic I wanted to write about for so long. I first heard it from some friends [ang mag-react, guilty! hahaha] and it got me curious, though I have to say, I really don't need this. *ehem* What is it? It's penis enlargement. Yes, my dear friends, you read it right. PENIS ENLARGEMENT . The natural kind. They call it Jelq . They say Jelqing was derived from an Arabic word meaning 'milking', which is the main motion of this technique....

So it's been, what, [checks calendar] a week since...  Wait, it was just a week. Wow. Seemed like forever since I last wrote that ... post. Anyway, I've been, well, caught in a recurring nightmare called procrastination. I have accepted early this month that I will not be able to wear that sash in graduation day. But a colleague convinced me to try hard and make it through the deadline of submission. Thankfully, I was able to submit my output just in time, yesterday actually - 4 days before my defense. Now, that's what I'm preparing for. It's the final speed bump in my journey to earn another academic degree. I have big dreams to be honest. I dream of working abroad and alleviating my family's financial burden. I want to see the world and experience it all. I want a fulfilling career, one that I can boast to everyone - not cure cancer, but something close to that, maybe help the limp walk or something to that effect. I want to invest in a real estate prope...

Honestly, I didn't know he still had that effect on me. Many months have passed and alot has happened. I had my share of successes and failures that's why I never thought he still mattered to me, until that text message I received from him. I must admit, I didn't expect he would contact me ever again after reading what I wrote about him. But he did. And I can't say I was happy he did. For the months I erased him in my life, I already thought I have moved on. I didn't think of him anymore. And just recently, I was able to disconnect him from all my social media. So that text he just sent me came in by surprise. And damn it, all that feelings resurfaced - feelings I didn't know I still kept. Anger. Regret. Pity. Hurt. Intense. Everything just came back. For sometime, I was back in that emo shit I was months ago. I wanted to explode. I wanted to express myself. I wanted to write something hurtful. But I didn't, I controlled myself. I guess I'll just...

I wanted to write something for so long because these past few days to weeks were a rollercoaster (yes, that analogy again) of emotions. But where should I begin? I wanted to start at the ending, the very last text message he sent where I didn't have the will or drive to reply at. And from there, I could do a flashback of how happy and content I was seeing him, though not much often than he wanted to. Then I could finish with how we started, the first and the second time we went out. But, this is a story I can't fully grasp. Conflicting emotions overcome me up to this very moment. Regret. Relief. Hurt. Sadness. Embarrassment. And I guess more. I wanted to write a decent explanation, but I don't think it would have any bearing now. I could write an apology but he said he doesn't need it. Am I really that numb? Maybe. I guess. Perhaps being hurt for so many times makes one that way. So, about our story... I guess it ended before it even began. *image fr...

Sa gitna ng dumadagungdong na musika, napapaligiran ng mga nag-iinuman at nagsisiyahan, at habang pinapanood ang mga katabi at nasa entabladong kalalakihan na nagsasayawan, maraming bagay ang sumagi sa aking isipan. This is so high school. Like Blue Onion days. Standing in a corner. Swaying from side to side. Occasionally, sipping beer. Trying to be more frugal. Looking at the crowd. Seeing mostly gorgeous people. Feeling insecure.  Smiling at the weirdness, sexiness, and horniness around. Very high school, indeed. The only difference is, this time, I could go home with a number or a guy. *sees a guy already staring.* Sabay tugtog ng Wrecking ball... Applause... at kung ano-ano pang kantang na-remix upang umakma sa mood na sayawan at gilingan. Just the other day, I was applauding in praise to the great Creator. Tonight, I'm applauding how those half-naked men are gyrating their hips. The other day, I was praising the beauty of His creation. Now, I'm praising how those...

[PBB teens-level. Pasensya na] Sa glass wall, malayo pa lang ay nakita ko na siya papalakad sa field. nakita ko siyang pumasok. [sana hindi siya lumapit, sana hindi siya lumapit, sana hindi siya lumapit. hindi ako ready] > Hi! - Oh Hi! (kunyari di ko siya nakitang pumasok) > San si…? Punta ba siya? - Ah, hindi daw. tinatamad ata siya . Shet!!! Andito si Crush! Grrrr! Nakapangbahay pa naman ako! Nakakahiya naman. Next time dapat laging ready. He’s soo professional-looking. jeez. haay. Crush. [some random small talk later] > sige una na ko. - bagsak ka naman niyan sa kama. [parang may something wrong sa sinabi ko] > ha? hindi siguro, nood pa ko ng live streaming, ay hindi live streaming. streaming lang pala ng volleyball game kanina. - ah.. ok.. ingat ka. [wag ka muna umalis. kape muna tayo!!!!] pagkaalis niya... type sa cellphone kay mutual friend  Single ba si ….? Pressed send. Did I really just text that?! lol oh shoo...

Ang nakaraan . Hindi iyon ang unang pagkakataong nagkaraon siya ng realization habang nasa kama kasama ang isang lalaki. - wala namang nagkakagusto sa akin e. puro na lang katawan ko gusto nila , pabiro niyang banat. Maybe he was also fishing for some compliments. Ngunit sa likod ng banat na iyon ay nagtatago ang totoong frustration na nararamdaman niya sa mga lalaking nakikilala niya.  > bakit, hindi mo ba  naisip na baka ilan sa kanila ay relasyon ang hinahanap? Ikaw lang talaga ang may ayaw , sagot niya na tila kuya na nagpapayo. - choosy ko noh. ang hot ko kasi e , sarkastikong sagot niya. Nagpatawa na lang siya para maitago ang kahihiyan sa kanyang sinabi. Ang payo na iyon ay nagmula sa kanyang matagal nang crush na minsan ay nagkataong nagtagpo ang kanilang pagnanasa. Akala niya ay wari'y sinasabi sa kanya na relasyon ang gusto sa kanya, na wari'y seryoso ang kanyang pinagpapantasyahan na ng kay tagal sa kanya, na gusto niya na maging sil...

Walang-ano-ano ay naibulong niya ang kanyang munting tanong... - Nagustuhan mo rin ba ako? Nahihiya pa niyang naitanong iyon habang nakapatong at nakasiksik ang kanyang mukha sa leeg ng kanyang kasama. - I mean... nagkagusto ka ba sa akin ever? Gusto man niyang bawiin, wala na siyang magawa. nasabi na rin niya eh. He might as well clear what he wanted to ask. > Di ba nga sabi ko sa'yo noon... magpapayat ka lang ng konti, ang hot mo na. - eeeeh. di mo naman sinagot yung tanong ko... Tanging tawa na lang ang naisagot sa kanya. Parang lahat, siguro halos lahat, na lang ng nakakasama niya sa kama ay iniisipan niya ng potential na maging kasintahan. Siguro dahil na rin sa pagkasawa niya sa palagian na lang sex ang bagsak ng nakakasama niya na kung saan siya ang madalas ang nagbibigay. Kaya marahil napapaisip na siyang lumagay sa tahimik. Hindi na niya ipinagpatuloy ang pagtatanong tungkol sa nararamdaman para sa kanya. Tila mayroon na siyang hina...

Last night I was supposed to meet a friend in a coffee shop. Half an our passed and I received a message from him saying that he would not be able to come. Wanting to finish transcribing my data, I just shrugged off being stood up and continued with my business. Minutes later, I found myself transferring from the couch area to the long table because the girl beside me just decided to air-dry her feet. The stench of her sweaty feet was giving me a headache. I really felt sorry for my nose for having to endure that disgusting odor. At the long table, I immediately noticed a good-looking guy across me. He seemed to work in a corporate setting judging from his attire of a combination of long sleeves and black slacks. As he was intently reading his book, I kept on stealing glances and just appreciating the pleasant face that he has. Even at first glance I already knew he was gay. I have a knack of being right ninety percent of the time thanks to my valid gaydar. With my earphon...

Something I read days ago suddenly helped me remember an entry I was supposed to write. This was supposed to be a post long time ago after a known couple broke up. They were together for  how many years and everybody in the the blogging and microblogging worlds know of their relationship. That is why there was shock when news of their separation broke out. Word has it that one of them may have fallen out of love. And later it was discovered that he had already been seeing someone. So observers like me can't help but wonder, which came first, falling out of love or falling in love with somebody else. To shed more light on the topic, I asked some friends regarding the subject at hand. To elicit unbiased  and general answers, I purposely omitted the inspiration of my inquiry. When someone is breaking up and reasoned that he already "fallen out of love", does it mean he has already "fallen in love" with somebody else? - Hindi naman. Pero pedeng un ...

Ano'ng feeling?  pabulong na tanong ko sa kanya habang binabaybay namin ang kalsada sa campus. Masakit.  ang mabilis niyang sagot waring alam na niya ang ibig kong sabihin. Mas mabuti pa yung ma-break-an kaysa yung mamatayan. Tumango na lamang ako sa kanyang sinabi, nagtitiwala sa kanyang salita, sabay tingin sa tinatahak ng aming sasakyan. Hindi ko alam kung ano sunod na sasabihin. Hindi ko kayang magkunyaring alam ang kanyang nararamdaman dahil di pa naman ako namamatayan ng minamahal. At sa puntong iyon, hindi pa rin ako sigurado kung ano sila noong pumanaw. Noong mamatay ang lola ko, na ka-close ko, mga ilang linggo pa lang, ok na ako. Iba kasi ito, biglaan. Hindi namin inaasahan , ang pagpatuloy niya. Siya kasi, 10 years kaming magkasama. Simula college pa lang ako. Araw-araw ko siyang nakikita. Lagi kaming magkasama sa bahay. Mahirap mag-move on sa ganoon. Akala ko mag-isa ka na lang sa bahay . Hindi, magkasama pa rin kami. Siyempre, press release ko...

Mabilisang sabawan... **** Walang nangyari sa 'min. -Weh?! Naku. Alam ko na yang karakas mo. Kilala na kita. Agh!  Ano tingin mo sa 'kin?! Nakaka-offend yun ah. -Charot! hahaha **** Sa totoo lang, sa kanya ko lang unang narinig yung term na 'yun. Ayon sa pagkakapaliwanag niya sa akin at sa pagkakainitindi ko ang karakas ay yung teknik mo o moves  mo na kadalasang ginagamit upang mambiktima magpa-enamor o magpahumaling ng isang tao. Eh ano naman kung may karakas ako. Palagay ko naman may kanya-kanya tayong moves para makabingwit e. Ayon sa kanila, eto raw karakas ko: 1. Makikipagkaibigan - [wala naman masamang makipagkaibigan di ba?!] 2. Mag-aaya ng kape-kape, inom, o akyat ng bundok - [it's my way of getting to know that person. yung kami lang. far from influence of others. Nothing wrong about knowing what he likes or dislikes, right?!] 3. Mahilig daw ako maghawak ng kamay. Touchy ba. - [well, wala ako magagawa it's in my nature and professi...

So this is it. The one that I've been focusing my attention and neurons on for the past months. This is the reason why I seldom blog, why I temporarily closed down my [landi] twitter account, why I blocked out certain people in my life. This is it. So much is at stake. So many lives are relying on the its success. I am about to face the greatest challenge in my adult life. I do pray for a great outcome, not just for my sake but for all who are counting on me. Not only will I benefit from this but everyone around me. It's a great deal of pressure. Not like any other that I have experienced. Too much on my shoulder. But I am willing to carry this. I know that if this was given to me, I must have what it takes to accomplish it. I just do hope and pray for a good result.

Honest question. or like a survey. If a blogger's niche is his sexual encounters, fantasy, romance and sexuality, is there a perception that he's easy to get?  Take this blog for example. It's almost all about sex. Do you, as a reader, someone who has not met me personally [yet] (or for those who have, your first impression of me), think that I would sleep with just about anyone? So you'd know, I'm not fishing for compliments or anything. Say whatever, you want to say. I don't actually even mind what other people think. I am just honestly curious if there's such a inkling. Just wondering.  ^.^

Psst Psssssst  Narinig ko yun habang naglalakad papunta sa sakayan Pssssssst Pssst Di ako titingin, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Kung ako tinatawag niya, pangalan ko ang dapat niyang isigaw. Kung ako man yung tinatawag niya, di ako aso para lumingon sa sitsit. Ngunit di ako nakatiis. Curious bang malaman kung sino yung mokong na yun.. Nang nakalayo na ako at malapit na sa sakayan, lumingon ako. Nagulat ako sa nakita ko. Kahit sa malayo, alam na alam kong siya iyon. Si Ex, na palokong kunyari'y tinatakpan ang mukha. Ang tangi ko na lang nagawa ay ngumiti at lumapit kung saan siya paparoon. Naramdaman ko ang pananabik nang makita siya kanina. Di ko ma-explain e. Para siyang isang kaibigang matagal ko ng hindi nakausap.  Tumayo siya sa kinaroroonan at naglakad patungo sa akin. Nagtagpo kami sa gitna. Nagkamustahan. Nagulat at natuwa ako dahil naaalala pa rin niya ang mga detalye ng buhay ko - trabaho, sa school, sa pamilya, at sa mga nangyari sa buhay ko noong k...