Closet Clutters

Yesterday night, my friends and I went out for dinner. During our talk a friend suggested to share our year-end evaluations. Since I've already blogged about how my year went, I was quick to answer his question. His next topic was to complete the statement: 2012 taught me to.... I haven't really thought of the lessons or general theme of the closing year so I got to think about my answer. And here's what I shared. "2012 taught me to just keep on trying. Maybe I'll succeed, maybe I won't. No matter what the outcome may be, what's important is that I have tried that I have exerted effort to reach my dream. Even though I take things a day at a time, not really making long term plans, I still have goals for whatever opportunities and I would make every step to take advantage of that chance. I believe that it's better to have tried (in love, in career, and in life) than to regret not trying at all." So that's it. And with this, I end my 2012 ...

Too-Ow-Wan-Too Ang saya rin ng naging taon na ito. Kahit na wala masyadong gala o outdoor activities o active lifestyle keme (nahawa na ko sa mga kaibigan ko, hehe), naging maayos at makabuluhan pa rin ang taon. Pasado! May dalawa akong mga exams na kinuha noong simula ng taon. Awa ng Diyos nakapasa naman ako sa pareho. Kahit di ko pa dama ang epekto ng pagpasa ko sa exams na yun ngayon, masaya pa rin ako na nagbunga rin ang mga paghihirap ko sa pag-aaral para dun. Pagkabigo. Sabi nga nila, subok lang nang subok. Try lang nang try. Go lang nang go. Kaya marami akong sinubukan ngunit marami rin ang pagkakataong ako ay nabigo. Pero hindi ba't ganyan naman talaga ang buhay. Kailangan natin maramdaman ang pagkabigo para mas pahalagahan natin ang tagumpay. Tsaka sabi nga nila 'di ba, mas mabuti na 'yung subukan kaysa pagsisihan ang lumagpas na pagkakataon. Love and Lost Tumibok ang puso ko muli ngayong taon ngaunit kung gaano kabilis siya dumating ganoon din s...

Pagkababa ko ng EDSA-Crossing, naisipan kong maglakad-lakad muna sa Greenfield District. Ibang-iba na talaga siya sa pagkakaalala ko dito noon. May parang park sa gitna tapos marami ng magagandang kainan. Tumotyal na talaga yung lugar. Sa park ang daming tao. Mga batang nagtatakbuhan, mga mag-syota naglalampungan at pamilyang nagpipicnic. Aba! Ginawang luneta ang totyal na park. Tapos may tumutugtog sa katapat ng The Hub. Instrumental. Flute at Piano. Puro Christmas songs. Ang ganda lang ng rendition nila. May jazz flair yung mga kanta. Sarap mag-stop and stare kaso wala namang taong nakatigil so gora lang ako sa paglalakad. Habang naglalakad na-gets ko tuloy kung bakit maraming magsyotang pinipiling tumambay lang sa park. Iba rin kasi yung feeling na kayo lang, naglalakad or magkatabing nakaupo. Staring at the moonlit sky. Tapos magkahawak ng kamay. Nakasandal yung ulo niya sa balikat mo. O di kaya, nakahiga ka sa hita niya. Hangsweet lang di ba? Ako naman si inggetero. Tseh...

All I need Kissing you is not what I had planned And now I'm not so sure just where I stand I wasn't looking for true love But now you're looking at me You're the only one I can think of You're the only one I see All I need Is just a little more time To be sure what I feel Is it all in my mind Cause it seems so hard to believe That you're all I need Honestly, I didn't know how to start this post. All I knew was I wanted to write about the topic. And surprisingly the song above by Jack Wagner played on the radio. I experienced my first kiss in high school when a lover greeted me as I wake up with what I recalled to be the most magical moment in my life. His kiss was soft and tender, passionate but a little restrained, and there was definitely fireworks. I was euphoric for days after that. Same goes with my first girl kiss. But this time, she was aggressive. Her lips was soft and cherry-flavored. I walked like a zombie after tha...

Pardon the tone. I just came home from the Christmas eve mass filled with the Christmas spirit. I was giddy and chirpy coming home, excited to see all my little siblings. But when I came home, there were no lights, no children. There was no one there. I ate spaghetti alone on a table made for eight. Then annoying Auntie went down the stairs from her room and social-climbing cousin came in the front door. Then I felt all my Christmas spirit get bottled up again and locked in a vault with all my Christmas spirits in the past years. I went to the local convenience store to grab a bottle of wine for myself. I want to drown myself in the spirit of alcohol just to make myself a little bit happier. But I thought, I would seem more pathetic and miserable to drink all by myself. I don't know what's with these recent Christmases that made me feel this way. I feel like a child who did not receive a gift, or one whose parents did not come home from their work abroad, or an orphan...

Kausap ko kaninang hapon yung kaibigan ko. Nabanggit ko sa kanya na parang ngayon, di ko dama yung pasko. Parang dumating ang December na wala lang. Tapos sa susunod na linggo ay Pasko na. Eh ano naman. Parang walang pinagkaiba. Anong nangyari sa atin? wika ko sa kanya. Bumaba kami ng mall para pakinggan yung choir na kumakanta. Rockwell kasi yun kaya wala masyadong tumitigil para makinig. They're all busy with their sosy problems. Unlike, jologs like me na pag may libreng concert, manonood talaga. Sabi ko sa kaibigan ko. Sa mga ganitong pagkakataon lang - referring to hearing the choir sing - nararamdaman na pasko na nga. Siya naman daw naramdaman niyang pasko na nung magkasama kaming umiikot ng mall with matching picture-picture pa sa mga decors. Iba talaga kung bata ka sa ganitong panahon. Pinakaaabangan mo yung araw na sasapit kung saan dadami na naman ang iyong pera at regalo. Dalawang linggong bakasyon kung saan pwede kang pumunta kung saan mo gusto pumunta at gawin ano...

There are three JOHNS. 1) The REAL JOHN; known only to his Maker. 2) JOHN'S ideal JOHN; never the real one, and often very unlike him. 3) THOMAS' ideal JOHN; never the real John, nor John's John, but often very unlike either.  - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Autocrat of the Breakfast-table Throughout the course of our life, we try to discover who we really are. Because it is knowing who we are that we may know the things that could satisfy our every needs. But who among us can, without even an ounce of doubt, say that he truly knows his own self? In this very social world where one of our aims as residents of this world is to exist in harmony, we tend to create different personas to handle different characteristics and personalities we encounter in a daily basis. This reflex, sometimes voluntary action, is rooted in our ability to adapt to certain situations, especially if our survival is at stake. However, in doing so, we create different layers that unconsciously hi...

Do you know the Friendship feature of Facebook? The friendship page is like your usual profile page, in timeline format with cover photo. The difference is that it only shows the posts and photos and other mutual connections you and your friend has. For example, I go to my friendship page with friend A. I would expect to see our mutual friends, mutual likes, timeline conversation, and photos that we are both tagged in. It's an old service actually, but it's only now that I discovered it's full potential. It's one great stalking tool. I know, boredom made me do it. I initially thought that the service works just for you and your friend, hence its link 'See Friendship.' I then discovered that you can write virtually anyone in the box and see if they have mutual friends. Here's the thing. I've been stalking this guy, a classmate, which I have a strange vibe with. Everytime I'm with him, my gaydar goes wild - like butterflies in my tummy. A ...

Salamat nakasakay rin ng jeep. Ang sakit na ng paa ko kakahintay. Wait. Ano yung naaamoy ko? Jeez! Amoy sibuyas! Jutoks? Where? Oh. Ate, why you so stinky? OMFG! Nagtaas ka pa ng kamay? Baba mo yan ate! Nose, I'm so sorry you have to smell this. Tingin na lang ako sa other side. Grabe. Tindi talaga ng jabar mo ate. Ano yun? May isa pa kong naaamoy. But wait there's more pala BO mo. Amoy kachichas naman. Posible pala yun noh, magkatawang tao ang katchichas. At kaw yun ate. Abah. Abah. Kaw na nga ang matindi sa amoy, kaw pa may ganang magtakip ng ilong dahil sa amoy ng trak ng basura. At least yun fleeting. pag lumagpas na, wala na. Eh yung sa'yo integrated na sa pawis mo. Grabe!!! Grabe! Ang sama ko. Kakagaling ko lang nyan sa prayer meeting kung ano-ano na iniisip kong masama. Dala lang siguro to ng puyat. Mejo aburido lang ako. Usually naman talaga, mabait ako e. Kind-meek-gentle. Minsan naman, tulad ngayon, sarcastic and loud. pero buti pag...

Whenever I have this feeling, Citybuoy's literary piece comes to mind - Never Yours . (If you haven't had the time to read it, now is the best time to do so.) However, I'm no master storyteller. I can't whip up a great storyline from an emotion or experience. But I do feel. So I'll just write whatever it is that I feel. Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I can't feel jealous. He's never mine. I wanna be happy.. I AM happy for him. I would just like to think that it was just never meant to be. The truth is, I am not ready. I think I'm not. He's just better off without me. I would just like to think I'm no good for him. Maybe I'm good for someone else but not him. Rationalizing, I am. But that's life. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Never mine. He's never mine. What then should I feel? I did feel a little jealous. But why should I, he's never mine. Confused. Awkward. Insanely uncomf...

In a jeepney. Still on my struggle in finding my identity, a scene flashed backed in my head. Inside the bathroom. Just came home from a recurring one night stand.  I was taking a bath. All that was in my head was the thought of being dirty. I needed to clean myself thoroughly. I felt so dirty. So this is how someone raped must feel like, I thought. But I was not raped. Yet I felt so empty, so used. It felt like nothing good came out of that night. Though I had a moment of pleasure, it still wasn't what I needed. Maybe I have done it so many times that it wasn't as special as before. At some point, I grew tired of the same pattern. We meet. We eat. We go somewhere quiet. Or we drink. But as always, we end up in bed. I leave, he leaves, or we both leave separately. Maybe that's where my perception of love and relationship got messed up. At some point, I got fed up of being in this lifestyle / orientation. I got even more confused. If I am already sick of rods, does...

I'm a shirt-jeans kind of guy. My sense of style, at least what I want for myself, is more on simplicity and comfort, relaxed. I'm not really into layering, or colors, or brands, or accessories. As long as I feel comfortable with what I'm wearing and the clothes match, I'm okay. I'm bordering on the heavy side, fine I'm already gone over the heavy limit, which makes my choice of clothes , style, and pattern very limited. Here are some of the people I envy who just look good in anything. Joseph Gordon-Levitt Ryan J. Adams Harry Shaum Ectomorph - a bodytype. typically a skinny guy. small frame, long limbs, lean muscles . *Photos are not mine.

Nakakatuwang kahit alas sais ka na nakatulog at alas nuebe ka bumangon ay masaya ka parin sa gising mo. Yung tipong ang saya-saya mo lang nang ikaw ay humimbing sa pagtulog tapos dala mo pa rin sa pagmulat ng iyong mga mata. Nakakatuwa lang. Nakakatuwa rin na kahit di ka masyadong nakainom, ang katotohanan ay isang baso lang ng wine ang ininom mo, ay naging ubod pa rin ng saya ang gabi mo dahil nakita mo ang mga taong nasisisyahan kang makita muli, at ang mga taong gustong gusto mo ng makita at makilala. Nakakatuwa lang. Nakakatuwa lalo na yung ang gaan na agad ng pakiramdam mo sa mga taong unang beses mo lang nakilala dahil lang ang dali nilang pakisamahan at kausapin. Yung tipong ang tagal ninyo ng magkakakilala. Nakakatuwa talaga. Nice to be in your company guys ulit kahit saglit lang- Nimmy, Leo, Nikki, Nate, Louie, Beej - at sa nakaka-awestruck na sina Joms at Jap. Salamat sa masayang madaling araw Josh, Josh, Keemo, Migs, at sa butihing hostess Mac. Nakakatuwa talaga...

A friend (yes, friend talaga, sana mabasa mo 'to) and I were having a light conversation through text one night. One of the topics was something about refraining from being a tease. I told him that for me it's alright to tease, it's the thing after the tease that should be controlled. Same is my belief on flirting. He replied, "gawain mo kasi kaya alam mo mag control..." I didn't know how to react at first. I was thinking, "should I feel insulted?" Then, I tried to reflect on his statement. Am I tease, I said to myself. If I tease or flirt, am I able to control myself? That's when I realized that more often than not, I would give in to my urge and wouldn't resist invites. I am after all allowed to enjoy my single-hood, right? Plus, it's really nice to cuddle afterwards. Oh, but there's a lot of times I tease without anything happening, like in random places. I'm not a horny bunny to approach just about anyone who return...

I started this blog last year in April. At the beginning, I just wanted an outlet where I can narrate my most recent sexual encounters as well as my past conquests. Usually these kinds of stories along with my normal daily adventures are written in my journal which I started in 2006. But since I spend more time in front of the computer, blogging seemed to be more feasible. I've been blogging since Friendster came out, then Myspace, then Livejournal, then Multiply, then Wordpress, Tumblr, and Blogspot. The surviving blogs that still get updated are my Wordpress blogs and this one. Wordpress is where I blog everything under the sun with the exception of gay materials. As I have said earlier, this blog started primarily as an avenue for my past and present sexual adventures. It was supposed to be a little something like Solotouch where I share true sex stories. But I later learned that it could turn into something more. When I started, I wasn't concerned with other blogs....

Mothers will always love you. But grandmas will always be on your side. - Suits I really have a soft spot when it comes to grandmothers. Most of my childhood was spent under the care of my grandparents. Through my parents' separation, they became my stronghold especially my grandma. I guess, I'm a lola's boy. And as a lola's boy, the statement above speaks the truth . Grandmothers will always back you up and be on your side no matter what happens. I remember when I was young, I lost a 500-peso bill. Actually, it was stolen by my classmate. Anyway, my aunt was pestering me to show her where my money was. Then grandma butted in and told her that we already deposited it in the bank. There are a lot more times when my grandma came to my rescue. I just can't thank her enough for doing that for me.  Akala ko ang mga nanay lang, mga magulang lang, yung magbibigay ng unconditional love. Hindi pala. - Carmina  This was one of the sweetest lines I have heard someone...

Kasama ang mga kaibigan, pinag-usapan namin ang nakaraang episode ng MMK. "Pag AIDS, kelangan bakla dapat? That is so stereotypical." "Pag bakla AIDS na agad? Di pa pedeng tulo muna?" "Or di ba pedeng lagnat muna o sipon?!" Siyempre katuwaan lang naman yun. Alam naman naming ito ay isang napakahalagang paksang talakayin at pag-usapan. "Pero pano ba talaga naghahawahan?" "Alam ko tatlo lang yan: dugo, karayom (galing sa may AIDS), at pagpasa ng ina sa anak." "Ang alam ko any body fluids e. Mapa-tamod at laway." "Pano naghahawahan pag sa lalake at babae. Di ba tamod naman yun." Lumabas tuloy ang katotohanang kakaunti lang ang alam namin tungkol sa HIV. "Wag kang mag-alala. 1% lang naman ang chance mong mahawa sa unprotected sex e." "Yun nga e, dapat di ka umaasa dun sa 1% na yun e." At least sa huli, tama naman ang nasabi namin.

Did you catch last Saturday's episode of MMK, starring Joem Bascon and Carlo Aquino? They did an episode in line with the World AIDS Day. I really love their approach on a very sensitive topic. They were able to portray the hardships people living with AIDS go through and how they cope. What I love most about the story of the characters was their undying love for each other. I'm really one who easily cries. And for most parts of the show, I was crying alongside the characters. I don't know if it's just me putting myself in their shoes or they're just great actors. I felt for Carlo Aquino's character when his parents disowned him for being gay And after finding out that he had HIV/AIDS, instead of showing sympathy, his parents was embarrassed and disgusted of him. Joem's character's father (played by kuya Bodji) was the contrary. He was sympathetic and supportive. He did not blame nor scolded Joem for being careless. Instead, he did what every paren...

Inside a church, I saw two brothers. The older one looked like he was in his teens and his brother seemed he was just around eight. Then, another brother came along, he seemed to be a year or two younger than the older brother. Just like you and me.  Then it got me thinking, what would it be like if you were here? Would life be any different if I'd be an older brother? If you were here, I'd have a constant buddy in everything I wanted to do. We can go nature-tripping and be adventure junkies. We can drive around the city or even outside the city just because we're bored. I wouldn't have to look anywhere else for a companion because there you'll be in your room always ready to tag along. We could do all sort of things together. If you can play an instrument and me singing, we can form a band. We could excel in sports together and later be known in the community. We can enter showbiz together and be famous. We can party all night long and not care abo...

Whenever we feel tensed, our instinct is to relieve it. We don't want to hold on to it because we know that if we do so, what little tension we feel at the beginning will build up. And later on, once it becomes so big we won't be able to control or bear with it, and we will just explode. And what are these that cause tension? Most likely, it's stress from work or the anxiety from deadlines. There's also pressure from different aspects of our lives - family, friends, school, work, love life. These stressors keep our bodies contracted - our shoulders shrugged, wrist clenched, back tightened, toes curled. Not allowing our muscles to loosen up and relax results to poor performance. Like what I've said earlier, we immediately want to relieve the tension before it becomes problematic. What do we do? We relax. Have a break. Go on a vacation. Meet up with friends. Do just anything that puts our minds away from thinking about work. So that when we do return to our...

Nako kung siya lang at ako ang nasa room kanina, malamang di ko na talaga napigilan sarili ko. Baka nahubaran ko na siya ng tuluyan. Kasi ba naman bigla-biglang magbaba ng shorts at brief. Well gilid lang naman. Parang ganyan oh. Isipin niyo lang may t-shirt at shorts. Pero kahit na. Konting baba pa ay kitang kita na ang singit niya. (Singit na ata yung nakita ko e) Pati pubes. Mukhang di naman siya balbon. Kaya siguro wala ko masyado nakita. Or nag-aahit siya. Haays. My imagination. May susukatin lang dapat ako sa hita niya nang walang ano-ano, habang ako ay nakaupo at siya naman ay nakatayo at nakaharap sa akin, biglang binaba ang shorts. Pasensya na at naulit. Di pa rin kasi ako makapaniwala na wala pang isang dipa ang layo ng crotch niya sa face ko nung gawin niya yun e. Manukso ba kasi. Kulang na lang ngumanga ako at maglaway. Grabe lang. Ako naman yung nawalan ng composure. For a moment nag-lag ako, iniisip ko na ako na lang ang hahawak at magbababa. Pero nun...

I was with some friends that time. At the street as we were all having a conversation, I noticed, through my peripheral vision, three men approaching. They're tall, lean yuppies wearing what looked like uniforms, their polo barongs. They were all good looking. When they walked behind me, I tried to subtly turn my head and follow them. But when I turned my head to the other side, I saw my guy friend's eye looking, no, staring at the three tall yuppies. I just returned my head and smiled. I felt like my suspicion were validated. But later on, when we all went our separate ways, I wondered,was that really a validation rooted from my wishful thinking or do guys check other guys out? I have asked my girl friends if they check other girls out too. Almost all of them said yes. They do so because  (1) they find the girl's dress / outfit / accessories interesting, (2) they want to check the competition, or (3) they want to feel good about themselves by finding flaws from oth...

Saw two guys from my past today. It was just so unexpected meet them in those places. First was JM. As I was walking through the neighborhood streets, I saw a familiar figure walking towards my direction. I couldn't have been more certain that it was him. A sweet smile confirmed my guess. He just came from work and was just about to go home. Since it was the first time since we saw each other after so long, he decided to accompany me in my errands. While walking to different establishments, we were like our old selves again together - joking and teasing each other. It was just fun to see him again after both us became busy with our lives. And as we walked further, it was apparent that our relationship stayed the same after months of not speaking and seeing each other. It's as if nothing changed. And I was glad it was like that.  Then I realize, this is what I want. Maybe with him or not. Who knows. I just want to have somebody who can be my best bud in public and in the...

At natuloy din ang akyat namin ni Heyoshua yesterday. Di ba I was talking about trekking again in one of my previous posts. Hayan, ginawa na namin. Todo sa pawis pero todo naman sa bawi sa picture-picture. Sa Mt. Gulugod Baboy nga pala ito sa Anilao Batangas. At dahil successful naman ang climb, inisip naming ulitin 'to. At tulad naman din dati open naman ang akyat kung sino gusto sumama. The more the merrier, di ba. 

Makakatikim na naman ako ng inipit mula sa Eurobake. Naku, kapag bibisita kami sa mga kamag-anak namin sa Bulacan, lagi kaming may pasalubong nito. Mahilig kasi ako sa tinapay at matatamis. So it's always a treat to have this as we go back home. Before, the filling was thicker. It was more fun to eat it. Pero tulad ng former favorite kong burger, nagbago na rin ito. Still, it was  nice to see the store still alive after all these years. I hope my children can still enjoy their delicious delicacies. 

Dati super favorite ko ang Bacon Mushroom Melt. Kumpara mo sa Champ or BigMac, mas gusto ko parin ito. Naka-styro tapos served hot pa. Talagang melt. Pero simula nang nagmahal ang Wendy's, nagbago na rin ang BMM. Lumiit na siya. Numipis ang patty. Nagbago na rin ang lasa ng buns niya. Nung nag-order ako kanina ulit nito, mejo na-disappoint ako. Di na talaga siya tulad ng dati. Di nito na-trigger ang childhood memories ko. Happy memories with BMM. Sayang. Na-miss ko na ang Bacon Mushroom Melt...

We remember those who went ahead of us. May their souls celebrate with our Creator and watch over us always.

Sa bus, nakaupo ako sa may window side. Hinihintay na lang mapuno ito para makaalis na. Isa na sa mga huling pumasok ay si boy-bata may suot na backpack at may dala-dalang grocery bags sa magkabilang kamay. May sinusundan siyang lalaking may malaking bag na dala. Inakala kong magkasama sila. Naupo si Boy-bata sa tabi. Napatingin ako at napaisip, pede si Boy. Ako ay pagod na dahil sa buong umagang pagbabanat kaya di ko na lang siya pinansin. O sige, inaamin ko na minsa'y tila inakit ko siya sa paminsang pagkambyo. Pero natapos lang yun sa ganun. Nang magsimula ng umandar ang bus. Napansin kong si BB ay palinga-linga sa direksyon ko. Naman, trained eye ata 'to. Malinaw ang peripheral vision. Noong nakita ko ulit siya tumingan, ginantihan ko rin siya ng tingin. Iniisip ko kung may balak nga si BB sa akin ay makikipagtitigan ito. Nang pagtingin ko sa kanya, bumaling naman siya ng tingin. Malamang assuming lang ako, bulong ko sa isip ko. Matapos makaikot na ang kundoktor at mangole...

Taking off from my drunk tipsy headache-driven post earlier this morning (which I reverted back to draft), I wonder: Is the past of a person really important to know? Do past loves, exploits, and heartaches have bearing on the present one? I really love this short film because they handled the question "how many have you loved?" so maturely. Some people when asked that, even me, would be defensive. But the story gave such a romantic treatment to the situation. As for my question earlier, I guess it depends on the intention of the question and the manner of answering. Props to  WongFu Productions for another brilliant masterpiece!

Since my last post, I haven't had any ideas yet on what to write. So I just frequent my blogspot to read bloggers' post and scan through my stats. Now, I just want to acknowledge the sources of my blog's traffic. Top Referring URLs (All time) Souljacker Orallyours Citybuoy I remember when I was young Asian Meat Market Green Breaking Spontaneous & Planned Zai moonchild Top Referring Sites (All time) Google Philippines Google Souljacker Orallyours Top Search Keywords (All time) equanimity spa homme spa kamuning rustic spa kamuning japanese bath house japanese bathhouse Thanks!  Sabi na sa inyo e, mema post lang :P

Taking off from my last entry, I was feeling kinda adventurous one night. I took a leak in a comfort room in a mall in Mandaluyong. It was one of those comfort rooms on a floor with less traffic. I immediately felt the tension inside as I entered the room. I went straight to the last cubicle and didn't bother to close it shut. After pissing, as I've said, felt adventurous. I haven't done anything naughty inside a public restroom before. So there I went. There was a certain excitement knowing that someone might come in maybe join or watch me. I was almost close to coming when I heard the door open slowly. I stopped for a while and tried to sense if I had company. I turned my head and there's no one there. Somewhat relieved that I was still alone, I tucked in my junk inside my pants and went out the cubicle. As I approached the door, I could see three men handwashing and two men drying their hands. I just smiled and said audibly: "may conference ba?" :) I...

For as long as I remember, I've been masturbating almost the same way as I first did it. Lying on my back and pumping Bruno (yes, he has a name) using a forehand grip. Well, there's a slight variation from what I originally did when I was a kid. Back then, when Bruno still had foreskin, I used the index-middle finger-thumb grip, and sometimes the palm on the crown with the fingers dangling down on the shaft. And as I reach orgasm (still dry then), my toes will point upward towards my head. When I grew older and my body matured, I began to use the forehand grip still lying on my back, but when I consummate my toes would curl and my feet would point away from my body. I wouldn't consider myself adventurous when it comes to self-pleasuring. As long as I can release, I'm content. I hear different variations from my friends like kneeling, standing, or with one leg on top of a chair, or humping a pillow, or the two hand pump or edging or twisting, wringing. Though I trie...

I really don't know how to handle gay banters like the ones straight people do. Minsan pakiramdam ko pag di ako sumagot, lalabas naman akong guilty or affected at pag sumagot naman ako, lalabas namang umaamin na ko. Ang weird lang. Di ko alam kung ano ang tamang timpla ng comedy na di naman ako mabubuking. Pasensya na, dito ko na lang kinikuwento, kasi feeling ko friends naman tayo lahat dito e. Where was I? Ah, banters. Like tonight. Casually, I asked a classmate to open a tight bottle for me. Wala naman talaga kong ibig sabihin doon eh. I was just asking him a favor to open the bottle for me because I honestly can't. Then, he jokingly remarked, "Si girlfriend talaga oh." In my mind, I was like, 'what?! where did that come from.' Shux. For a moment, I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. (Pero syempre may kasama ng kilig yun. Si crush kasi yun e.) Ayus lang sana kung kami lang e, pede pa ko maglambing ng konti kaso ang masama  doon ay narining ...

I just can't understand myself. Whenever I like a guy just because I want to be his friend, I can't seem to approach him without thinking of flirting with him. It's like that's my default mechanism in approaching the male species. Naalala ko tuloy yung movie na napanood ko sa youtube. The only way this kid knows how to repay a guy's kindness was to give his self. Nagiging ganun kaya ako. Pero di naman sa lahat. I feel that way towards someone who (1) I really want to befriend and (2) I am really attracted to. Like last weekend, I went with a group in an outing. There was this married guy who was really appealing, cute, and funny. I really wanted to get to know him more and be close to him. I kinda see an older brother figure in him. When we were night swimming in the pool, I kept on resisting the urge to make a move on him. Even in our sleep when we were assigned to adjacent beds, I was trying hard to control my actions because as they say you don't shit in...

I've already thought of this topic two weeks ago but I can't seem to put into words the things that I want to say. I wanted to  provide an argument - based on Church doctrines and scriptures - on what Christianity thinks of homosexuality. But I'm not really articulate and I struggle with words. So I'll just leave it to the writers to give you that. Plus, there's a lot of sites in the internet about this topic. So, what exactly do I want to say? Well, I mentioned earlier that I thought of this topic two weeks ago. It happened when I attended a catholic charismatic group's program. At that time I was kind of missing something in my life. And I knew what or who that is. It was Jesus. I had been missing celebrating mass during Sundays and I haven't turned to God for a long time. I just wondered, can a guy like me - with this urges and thoughts - join a religious group and not feel any hypocrisy? Is there such a thing as gay christian? I know J...

Smiles can truly turn a frown rightside up. Whenever I see someone smile even if the smile was not meant for me, or if someone smiles at me even if it was a stranger, I feel like everything's going to be all good like sunshine on a cloudy day. Yeah, that's a line from a song. Like last night when two guys smiled at me while I was eating alone in a fastfood chain. Like this morning when someone across my seat inside the train smiled at me. Like this evening someone smiled at me as I was walking inside the mall. It's just refreshing to see sweet smiles from people. Made me blush, honestly. Smiles are like ice cream. No one can resist it. Everybody likes it. And what's cherry on top of that ice cream of smile? Well, why the lingering look (or a second look), of course! 

"You're a treasure! You know that? :D" Ang sarap lang masabihan ng ganun. Kahit sa simpleng usapan lang sa chat, iba pa rin ang naging dating sa akin. Parang napakahalaga ko. Parang ang laki ng nagawa ko para sa kanya. Sobrang nakakagaan ng puso. Lalo na ngayong hindi ko alam kung anong ginagawa ko sa buhay, napakalaking tulong ng mga salitang iyan para maibsan ang nararamdaman kong lungkot. Salamat. Salamat sa mga salitang iyan. Salamat lalo na't galing iyon sa iyo.

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I remember corpcloset's advice in a talk some time ago that if a gay guy should decide to stay in the closet, he should be ready to play the part. But my dilemma was that I don't know anything about what straight guys talk about like cars, sports, or girls. --- I have long chosen not to put a finality on my gender orientation until I haven't been with a girl. Wouldn't you agree that as a consumer, before we decide which product to buy, we look at other alternatives. Maybe there's something the one has that the other has not. 

Just thought of sharing. “Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”  ―  Barack Obama

The other night, I met a blogger for the first time. We had a dose of coffee and conversation. Most of the topics that came up were about love and relationships, topics which I seldom talk to someone because I have limited confidante. Anyway, in the conversation, some of the beliefs and principles I that live by came up.  Find someone who complements you and not someone who'll complete you. Love yourself first before you can love others. Love should bring out the best in you and not the worst in you. Sa pag-ibig kapag may sumuko na, ibig sabihin nito tapos na ang relasyon. (syempre, you should fight for it first. pero pag di naman talaga nag-work out, dapat ng sumuko) Guard your heart. Don't give yourself wholly to a person. Leave some for yourself. Kung kayo talaga para sa isa't isa, kayo talaga sa huli. Kapag nagawa niyang saktan ka o lokohin ka once, malamang mauulit din yun. Once trust is lost or tainted it's hard to regain or mend. Basic lang naman tala...

When I opened my dashboard today as I would like to follow-up on my blog reading, I noticed my stats. It already flat-lined. For more than a week now, I haven't published any post to gain traffic. Just when I thought I was the only one who finds it taxing to write a decent blog nowadays, I saw Mugen's post ' Why Its Hard To Blog These Days .' I have easily identified with some reasons listed in his post. There are 100 posts in my blog yet only 73 are published. I don't think I ran out of ideas to write. It's just I couldn't find the energy or zeal to finish the entries that I've started. I even had a series in mind with all the titles and the outlines already listed. But I guess what's lacking is the drive and excitement I used to have. And now, I feel I'm back at the beginning - trying to find my voice, trying to discover my style. But if I remember it correctly, this was how I started blogging - from reading other blogs and being inspired ...

Indeed, I have leveled up. Officially, I'm at level 26! Wuhoo! Last year, I spent the first day of my twenty-sixth year at the highest peak in the Philippines, and today I closed the year quietly here at our house. This past year has been very memorable for me. A lot of things have happened that have made me stronger and wiser. New places conquered. New profession. New learning. Strengthened bonds.Love found and lost. New friendships. Truly, a lot to be thankful for. All I can do now is cherish all that happened to me this past year and still be hopeful for the coming year. Here's to success and surprises! :) *dear, there's always two sides of the story.